MIL Rant...sorry in advance

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're handling it well OP. And there are lots of great lines offered here for comebacks.

I would only be able to tolerate it graciously for a limited amount of time also.

I have two MILs and one of them does a ton of this kind of thing, except it's usually framed in terms of how martyred she is/was. I pretty commonly use variations on "well, I never would have gotten married at all, let alone had kids, in that scenario." Sometimes I say it laughingly and sometimes I say variations on it pretty seriously - a la you wouldn't be a grandmother if my life looked like that so perhaps you should keep it to yourself!

Or, "you know Madge, you're right! I make twice as much as your son so I need to talk to him about letting me take weeknights off."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to tell her, and not "gently" either, to shut it.

Agreed. Tell your husband he needs to get your back on this and stop allowing her to say this ridiculous stuff. And if it were me, I'd probably stop allowing her access to the grandkids as much. If she can't respect me in my home, I don't really want her in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm new to this thread, and don't mean to be rude, but I too am surprised,given your profession, on how you chose to handle your MIL. Wouldn't you counsel a client to stand up for themselves in a very polite, but direct manner, rather than run to DCUM? Your MIL needed to be put in her place and I'm surprised you didn't have the sense to do that.

This seems like a really strange expectation of mental health professionals: they should not have the same emotional range, need to vent (in a safe and anonymous forum no less) and vulnerabilities as the rest of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm new to this thread, and don't mean to be rude, but I too am surprised,given your profession, on how you chose to handle your MIL. Wouldn't you counsel a client to stand up for themselves in a very polite, but direct manner, rather than run to DCUM? Your MIL needed to be put in her place and I'm surprised you didn't have the sense to do that.

This seems like a really strange expectation of mental health professionals: they should not have the same emotional range, need to vent (in a safe and anonymous forum no less) and vulnerabilities as the rest of the world.

OP here, I'd also like to point out therapists are not to be confused with advice columnists. I don't counsel anyone to take any particular course of action, but rather I aid (as would any proficient therapist) a person find the course of action which best suits their needs and capacities.

[Anonymous]

So the best course of action you could find was to pansy out and complain to DCUM rather than confront the issue head on? You go girl with your mental health professional self. Useless profession.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the best course of action you could find was to pansy out and complain to DCUM rather than confront the issue head on? You go girl with your mental health professional self. Useless profession.

Oh no, you crapped on the thread. ^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the best course of action you could find was to pansy out and complain to DCUM rather than confront the issue head on? You go girl with your mental health professional self. Useless profession.

Some people find it therapeutic to articulate and express their thoughts in a forum specifically designed for that and others seem to find it therapeutic to take a crap on other people and themselves in public forum. Thank god for DCUM--cheapest therapy of all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the best course of action you could find was to pansy out and complain to DCUM rather than confront the issue head on? You go girl with your mental health professional self. Useless profession.

Some people find it therapeutic to articulate and express their thoughts in a forum specifically designed for that and others seem to find it therapeutic to take a crap on other people and themselves in public forum. Thank god for DCUM--cheapest therapy of all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I have to hear another "gentle" joke about my expectations that my husband contribute to housework I am going to lose it. Husband works 9-5 at a three-letter agency. So that obviously exempts him from housework. Meanwhile, I am working on my PhD, have a consulting business that I run from home, have 2 children under 5 and no nanny or childcare help, and see patients in a private psychotherapy practice 10 hours a week in my clinic. My MIL is routinely passively-aggressively complimenting him in front of me on making time to empty the dishwasher after he spent the whole day at work. She *kiddingly* reminds me that "expecting the breadwinner to come home and clean" was unheard of in her day.

I've gently responded too many times to count that we are equals (I make as much money but even if I didnt/were a fulltime SAHM the expectations that we all carry our weight would be the same).

It only happens 2x per year for annual visits but I am fresh in the middle of it and need to scream about it here so I dont scream about it in my dining room.

</rant>

Must blow up at her - in front of DH who should be setting her straight - and get it over with.
Tell her that thank god it isn't 'her day' anymore and if it was you'd be jumping off a fucking bridge.
I'd say exactly that and if say it sternly and if say crazy assertive kiss my ass stuff often to her. If she doesn't want to see that dude if me she should stick to saying polite pleasant things. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I have to hear another "gentle" joke about my expectations that my husband contribute to housework I am going to lose it. Husband works 9-5 at a three-letter agency. So that obviously exempts him from housework. Meanwhile, I am working on my PhD, have a consulting business that I run from home, have 2 children under 5 and no nanny or childcare help, and see patients in a private psychotherapy practice 10 hours a week in my clinic. My MIL is routinely passively-aggressively complimenting him in front of me on making time to empty the dishwasher after he spent the whole day at work. She *kiddingly* reminds me that "expecting the breadwinner to come home and clean" was unheard of in her day.

I've gently responded too many times to count that we are equals (I make as much money but even if I didnt/were a fulltime SAHM the expectations that we all carry our weight would be the same).

It only happens 2x per year for annual visits but I am fresh in the middle of it and need to scream about it here so I dont scream about it in my dining room.

</rant>

Must blow up at her - in front of DH who should be setting her straight - and get it over with.
Tell her that thank god it isn't 'her day' anymore and if it was you'd be jumping off a fucking bridge.
I'd say exactly that and if say it sternly and if say crazy assertive kiss my ass stuff often to her. If she doesn't want to see that dude if me she should stick to saying polite pleasant things. Done.

Just blow up at her - in front of DH who should be setting her straight - and get it over with.
Tell her that thank god it isn't 'her day' anymore and if it was you'd be jumping off a fucking bridge.
I'd say exactly that and I'd say it sternly and I'd say crazy assertive kiss my ass stuff often to her. If she doesn't want to see that side of me she should stick to saying polite pleasant things. Done.
(Sorry @ autocorrect )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask her if, by her logic, once you get your PhD and start earning more than 50% of the HHI, that means *you* shouldn't have to help around the house and her son should do it all?

Or you could laughingly say, "Watch out, Larla, or somebody might think you are jealous that women today don't get stuck with an unfair amount of the housework." Then fake laugh.

No - don't ask her. You don't need a debate with your mil you need her to stop acting like a crazy rude out of control witch.
Put her in her place. You can debate stuff later when she's nicer and you can stand her being in the same room as you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I have to hear another "gentle" joke about my expectations that my husband contribute to housework I am going to lose it. Husband works 9-5 at a three-letter agency. So that obviously exempts him from housework. Meanwhile, I am working on my PhD, have a consulting business that I run from home, have 2 children under 5 and no nanny or childcare help, and see patients in a private psychotherapy practice 10 hours a week in my clinic. My MIL is routinely passively-aggressively complimenting him in front of me on making time to empty the dishwasher after he spent the whole day at work. She *kiddingly* reminds me that "expecting the breadwinner to come home and clean" was unheard of in her day.

I've gently responded too many times to count that we are equals (I make as much money but even if I didnt/were a fulltime SAHM the expectations that we all carry our weight would be the same).

It only happens 2x per year for annual visits but I am fresh in the middle of it and need to scream about it here so I dont scream about it in my dining room.

</rant>

You counsel people and yet you ate so fragile as to get worked up someone of another generation having a different take on life to the point you feel like screaming? Perhaps you are ill suited for your chosen profession.

See? You need to be very assertive and a bit scary otherwise the crap hurled your way will never end.
Trust me. I've gotten it to stop 100%. It's worth a little crazy, our lives are all much better now.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know it rankles, but I think it's fine your DH isn't making a huge big deal about it. He is saying something, but he's not willing to have a blow up about it.

I know it hurts your feelings some, but it's his mother, it isn't actually changing anything about your household, and she only visits a couple of times a year.

What do you care what she thinks anyway? Her opinion is literally weightless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know it rankles, but I think it's fine your DH isn't making a huge big deal about it. He is saying something, but he's not willing to have a blow up about it.

I know it hurts your feelings some, but it's his mother, it isn't actually changing anything about your household, and she only visits a couple of times a year.

What do you care what she thinks anyway? Her opinion is literally weightless.

Oh yea and maybe she can start piling on the antidepressive prescriptions to dull her feelings because after all why should women's feelings be legitimate? Just stuff them away and when you start having problems because of it pop a pill. It's a win-win - for the pharma companies only.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I guess I could have provided a little more info about how this isn't me hiding under a bed and wishing the mean witch would just go away. As a former military officer and crisis management specialist I have to say, no one has ever questioned my assertiveness before. But one of the great things about being older (in my case at least) is simply knowing what battles to choose. MIL, like many previous posters have noted, isnt here that often, and her comments are grating but might be anchored in her own history which could allow for some empathy (if I am feeling generous).

DH, well, he is...not assertive. I love the guy, he is a fantastic father and generous husband, but I am definitely the fighter in the relationship. I wish it were different, but I've made peace with the fact that his neutrality is probably what has allowed our marriage to be fairly successful (he doesnt personalize *anything* while I personalize *everything.*) and he has made peace with the fact that if he wants to get laid more often he needs to step up and fight for me sometimes...so we work it out.

My MIL is okay. She is a highly medicated product of another era who is impervious to change. So, in this case, I chose you lovely friends as a sounding board instead of banging my head against a wall that has real repercussions yet little hope of change.