Insanely attracted to my male opposing counsel...

[Anonymous]

Life is too short for shitty marriages. If it can't be fixed, move on.

Crushes are normal for anyone with a pulse. Using it as a form of escapism can be detrimental. Find a healthier way to get that dopamine rush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No offense but they aren't that high-powered if they are in their 40's and still on the road doing depositions against a 20-something, very immature adversary.

Some attorneys just like depos. Or maybe it's a C-level depo and the lead partner wants to defend it for relationship reasons. Or maybe the lead partner is having an affair with a legal assistant in the branch office and so always grabs those depos.

I've seen all three happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:28 years old and already unhappy in your marriage? Yikes.
If you don't have kids, you might want to think this one older. It's only going to get worse.

I'm not sure if I agree. Is there anyone out there so happily married that they never get crushes on anyone, no matter how long they have been married?

OP, how long have you been with your husband?

We have been together since I was 16 and had an unplanned pregnancy and got married, been pretty miserable for most of the marriage but we both hide it pretty well and raise our kids in a mostly functional household that I don't want to ruin, so I have put my happiness on the back burner since 16 pretty much.

It makes sense that you would be attracted to others. You never got to have other relationships as an adult, and you are with someone where the compatibility is not great. I respect your wanting to give your children a stable home. Would you consider an open marriage? I would imagine that your husband would be happy to explore other relationships as well, after 12 years in an unhappy marriage?

Thank you for the kind response, I have brought up an open marriage and he is 100% against it, likely because it would be much easier for me to find a partner than it would be for him. I really have no idea what to do at this point except keep my fantasies to myself and keep moving forward.

What if you agreed to let him find a partner before you started looking for one?

[Anonymous]

I can agree, it can be very difficult since physical attraction is not something that can just be squashed by a change of thinking patterns.

I think it is both the attractiveness of the men as well as their power positions that make these men turn you on. (After all, if Donald Trump managed a Burger King, well he wouldn't have such a beautiful wife would he...????)

Anyway, that being said, if you are unhappily married OP, you need to figure out what to do in that bad situation.
You need to address your marriage & figure out if it is something you want to continue or if it is already past fixing.
It should be your number ONE priority before even thinking of other men.

Skipping dealing w/your marital woes, then possibly jumping in to swim w/the sharks will only make your marriage problems multiply tenfold.

Trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Duh-older men, partners are going to look attractive. Money and power.

No offense but they aren't that high-powered if they are in their 40's and still on the road doing depositions against a 20-something, very immature adversary. Only a very immature, 20-something lawyer would see that as "high-powered."

High powered attorneys do depositions against 20 something DOJ attorneys all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been a litigator for 25 years at DOJ and the only thing I think about my opposing counsel is how to beat them in the case. Focusing on attraction to them is not mature, not professional, and not appropriate. I would confer with a therapist if I were in your situation.

I was a DOJ for 12 years, but worked another office before that. When I was at my old office I had a case where opposing counsel was an exotically beautiful woman. I wanted to keep this case going as long as possible so even when they offered me a settlement which my client had told me that his office would accept, I refused to settle, insisting that we go to trial. It was only when they offered me half of what my client was willing to pay that I felt obliged to accept the settlement. I was much younger then.

[Anonymous]

I have been a litigator for 25 years at DOJ and the only thing I think about my opposing counsel is how to beat them in the case. Focusing on attraction to them is not mature, not professional, and not appropriate. I would confer with a therapist if I were in your situation.


I was a DOJ for 12 years, but worked another office before that. When I was at my old office I had a case where opposing counsel was an exotically beautiful woman. I wanted to keep this case going as long as possible so even when they offered me a settlement which my client had told me that his office would accept, I refused to settle, insisting that we go to trial. It was only when they offered me half of what my client was willing to pay that I felt obliged to accept the settlement. I was much younger then.

Wow. I'm glad for your client agency that the settlement worked out in the end, but your behavior was really unethical. I'm glad you are no longer at DOJ representing the United States.

[Anonymous]

I am a 42 year old partner in a big law firm (happily married) and you just made my day thinking that it is even possible that a 28 year old would have a crush on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Duh-older men, partners are going to look attractive. Money and power.

No offense but they aren't that high-powered if they are in their 40's and still on the road doing depositions against a 20-something, very immature adversary. Only a very immature, 20-something lawyer would see that as "high-powered."

High powered attorneys do depositions against 20 something DOJ attorneys all the time.

Also, she said she was at a plaintiff's firm. Totally different situation where it might not be uncommon at all for a more junior person to have a prominent role in a case.

[Anonymous]

I had an affair with a senior colleague and it has haunted me thru life. My career was shot because I was so devastated and made a fool of myself. Then, in order to put that affair behind me I married someone else in haste, he turned out to be a closet bully who has made my life hell (and I made the mistake of confiding my history to him which he uses against me.

Just, please, think long before acting on impulses. Just do what you know is right for the long term. I wish I had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair with a senior colleague and it has haunted me thru life. My career was shot because I was so devastated and made a fool of myself. Then, in order to put that affair behind me I married someone else in haste, he turned out to be a closet bully who has made my life hell (and I made the mistake of confiding my history to him which he uses against me.

Just, please, think long before acting on impulses. Just do what you know is right for the long term. I wish I had.

Best post yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 42 year old partner in a big law firm (happily married) and you just made my day thinking that it is even possible that a 28 year old would have a crush on me.

I'm a 41 year old partner in a boutique (marriage on the rocks) and a client's very attractive deputy GC emailed me a few days ago after a group dinner. A dinner which she had been drinking a lot. And she emailed me at 11:58PM asking if I was still in the office, which was across the street from her hotel. No mention of it the next day, she had a total poker face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 42 year old partner in a big law firm (happily married) and you just made my day thinking that it is even possible that a 28 year old would have a crush on me.

Haha, glad I could help.