Cleaning out grandma's house - WOW!!! greed

[Anonymous]

I agree with the email suggestion.

Dear [cousins, by name, and uncle].

Thank you for [whatever honestly worthwhile thing they've helped with--'helping grandma transition to her new home.'?] Cousin T and I were on the phone and discussing how now is a suitable time to help downsize and clear out many of her things. I think of many of her things that I would cherish to give a new home in my own house.

I understand from Cousin T that you have already claimed or taken these items. In fact, speaking with him it seems that among you, you've claimed for yourselves every special item I can think of, and there are many such items.

[relative X and] I haven't been part of this process, and I'd like to be open with you that it's upsetting that we were not included in this process to identify some things we feel are special to us. [/amend to the singular if it's just you- but-you could certainly include your DD, for example].

I'd like you to reconsider the distribution of these items before Uncle heads to Florida. While grandma may have verbally agreed to pass along certain items to you, she undoubtedly did not realize that I had a strong interest and would have spoken up if I'd realized it was the time for her to make those particular decisions. I have asked her [actually do this, very generally, before you email] if she'd be open to me moving certain of my dad's things or the things which are particularly sentimental with memories of her, and she was totally for that.
I'd like to avoid drawing things out but I think it's fair for each of us to name the top thing we'd like to have, and then we can then go round with each of our second choice, and so on. I don't mind who would go first, and if others do, I suggest we go in order of age and include younger generations if they are interested. Although I know not every item is still in grandma's house at this point, I believe everyone can be gracious about passing along an item they might have if it is someone else's selections.
Sincerely
OP

Also include other relations so that you add more people to your position.Wait a week, and if Taking Relatives ignore, say, "X and I have started our selections. Mine is such and such, X's is such and such.

If they respond 'claimed', let them do so for one item each. At some point you can say, I'd like the desk,..oh, R took it? She requested the candelabra.ill ask her to set aside the bookcase for me then. Do it all as reply to all and Your other (left out) relatives can get on board too.

If necessary, say I spoke with grandma and she really liked this way of sharing her things evenly [but ask her first! And persuade her to agree]

[Anonymous]

Op again. They might say Well grandma said I could have all 3 things.
And you have to then respond like so:

I know how grandma is so generous. She didn't realize we would ALL want many of the same items. Let's be fair about this and be as equal as we can be. Taking lots of things for yourself that are genuine heirlooms for several people besides you is not fair, Cousin'.

[Anonymous]

^^oops, PP again, not OP! Apologies!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the email suggestion.

Dear [cousins, by name, and uncle].

Thank you for [whatever honestly worthwhile thing they've helped with--'helping grandma transition to her new home.'?] Cousin T and I were on the phone and discussing how now is a suitable time to help downsize and clear out many of her things. I think of many of her things that I would cherish to give a new home in my own house.

I understand from Cousin T that you have already claimed or taken these items. In fact, speaking with him it seems that among you, you've claimed for yourselves every special item I can think of, and there are many such items.

[relative X and] I haven't been part of this process, and I'd like to be open with you that it's upsetting that we were not included in this process to identify some things we feel are special to us. [/amend to the singular if it's just you- but-you could certainly include your DD, for example].

I'd like you to reconsider the distribution of these items before Uncle heads to Florida. While grandma may have verbally agreed to pass along certain items to you, she undoubtedly did not realize that I had a strong interest and would have spoken up if I'd realized it was the time for her to make those particular decisions. I have asked her [actually do this, very generally, before you email] if she'd be open to me moving certain of my dad's things or the things which are particularly sentimental with memories of her, and she was totally for that.
I'd like to avoid drawing things out but I think it's fair for each of us to name the top thing we'd like to have, and then we can then go round with each of our second choice, and so on. I don't mind who would go first, and if others do, I suggest we go in order of age and include younger generations if they are interested. Although I know not every item is still in grandma's house at this point, I believe everyone can be gracious about passing along an item they might have if it is someone else's selections.
Sincerely
OP

Also include other relations so that you add more people to your position.Wait a week, and if Taking Relatives ignore, say, "X and I have started our selections. Mine is such and such, X's is such and such.

If they respond 'claimed', let them do so for one item each. At some point you can say, I'd like the desk,..oh, R took it? She requested the candelabra.ill ask her to set aside the bookcase for me then. Do it all as reply to all and Your other (left out) relatives can get on board too.

If necessary, say I spoke with grandma and she really liked this way of sharing her things evenly [but ask her first! And persuade her to agree]

You can send something like that and be prepared for them to tell you to go pound sand. Unless Grandma steps in and says "Whoa! Share the crap folks!" Be prepared to let it go. AND if you go whining to Grand ma, be prepared for them to be pissed off that you "Tattled!" and again tell you to pound sand.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised they didn't ask and I'm surprised you didn't think of what you wanted beforehand. My grandma is an artist and I plan on asking for a still life and a portrait painting that she did when she dies. I'd love her wedding china that grandpa brought home from the Korean war for her, but not sure if my aunts would want that first.

Speak up or hold your peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised grandma let this happen. Over a decade ago, grandma made a list for all the grandkids and kids of what we want. The oldest chose first then the rest of us down to the youngest. Then she started again with the oldest. For instance- oldest grandkid got the silver, then I (2nd oldest grandkid) got the crystal. Oldest daughter got the engagement ring, oldest son got the father's wedding rings.There were about 15 of us and we all found it fair. She marked the bottoms of items with stickers with our names on it.

When it happened we all found it morbid, but grandparents really enjoyed giving away their lives treasures and talking about when they'd gotten them and the history of the items.

But if I were you, I would go home more often to visit. My grandparents (both sets) are 1k miles away and I manage to visit 1-2x a year. If you aren't as involved in their daily lives, it's different. I know my cousins who live locally had a much different relationship with the grandparents. Life isn't always fair.

This is what my grandparents did. Started with the oldest and worked their way down to the youngest. They tagged each item in the house on the bottom and it was listed in the will. No one complained, everything was equal. For the things that were sentimental and not valuable and were unclaimed, we did a general round robin of claiming the items by text, email or phone calls or in person (depending on the day). It worked and we've remained close.

My parents have already started doing something similar.

[Anonymous]

OP, the more you cry "it's not fair!" the more you sound like a four-year-old who wants to stay up late eating candy.

It's stuff, OP. Let it go. If you really want to remember grandma, go visit her and make some memories instead of crafting passive-aggressive emails to your relatives trying to make them ship some of her crap to you.

Greed is the theme here, and you're neck-deep in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the more you cry "it's not fair!" the more you sound like a four-year-old who wants to stay up late eating candy.

It's stuff, OP. Let it go. If you really want to remember grandma, go visit her and make some memories instead of crafting passive-aggressive emails to your relatives trying to make them ship some of her crap to you.

Greed is the theme here, and you're neck-deep in it.

Of all the things you've mentioned, the only one that even seems worth asking for is the bookshelf from your father's room, and that's also the one you have the best (but still not inviolable) claim on.

So send the e-mail, and explain: "I don't want to ruin relationships by fighting about things, but I would really love to have is the bookshelf that was Dad's when he was growing up. It's a connection to Grandma and Dad -- before he was a dad -- and it would mean a lot to me if you could see your way clear to passing it on to his daughter."

Anything else you can get on eBay.

[Anonymous]

I learned the hard way when relatives of mine died that death brings out the crazy in people. When my grandmother died and we went to her house after she had passed in the hospital, I knew if there was something I absolutely had to have of hers I better see if it was around, I wanted a picture of us that she had and her family bible. That was it. So I took them and put them in my purse. If anyone asked where they were I was ready to say that I had them and we could discuss who got them, but no one ever said anything. As for actual financially valuable items, i left that for everyone else to figure out. My grandmother had actually written down on tape names of people and put it on items so there was no arguing who got the candle sticks, etc.

I have never gotten anything from when any of my other relatives died. You should have said something when you were out there. People are not mind readers, don't assume anyone else is looking out for you. If there is something you really want that is claimed, find out who claimed it and talk to them about it.

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP, I feel your pain. My baby SIL has already claimed the ONE THING in my ILs house that she knows my husband loves. Literally, in a house full of beautiful antiques, he wants ONE PAINTING, and my in-laws are in perfect health, not dying anytime soon, and as he is admiring it one day, she says "MOMMY, I want THAT painting". What a bitch, she only wants it because DH likes it so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother moved into assisted living.
My cousins, who are local to the area , have gone through her house "claiming" items and taking them out.
My siblings and I live 800-2500 miles away and have not claimed anything.
My parents, who live nearby my grandmother, are on vacation and will be back next week.
My dad, the executor of her estate, doesn't stand up for me and my siblings to make sure we have a few items from my grandmother and have not told the other side of the family to delay removing things from her house.

I want to email them telling them how selfish they were to do this without everyone participating...

This exact situation happened to me on both sides. On one side, we were to split the contents of my grandmother's house 3 ways. Eventually the other two parties said I could have 4 items chosen from the house, not one third. I decided to not make an issue of it and chose 4 things, modest things actually. One of the four they said I could not have. I suppose I could have gotten a lawyer and fought, but the estate had already dragged out for almost 4 years and I didn't have the money for a lawyer, and one of the other parties was a lawyer as well as being the executor and power of attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is about to happen to my husband's grandmother. The vultures are circling the house as we speak. I don't want my husband involved. At all.

It's very upsetting to see people you've know almost your whole life be so greedy. Over things. How shameful.

My mother died several months ago. Fortunately she chose her lawyer, not a family member, to be executor. Per the will everything was to be split between 4 children. The executor let us know from the get-go that if problems arose in equitably splitting items of value he would take over, have everything appraised and then those items would need to be "purchased" from the estate.

Executors can have a lot of control over how it all goes down in the end. We haven't had major problems in splitting things up so far, bet I'm glad the executor has a backbone and is willing to lay down the law if need be. Highly recommend using a competent, unrelated lawyer as executor!

My grandparents just passed in September and they had a trust set up this way. My cousins threw a fit when they found out they would have to purchase things in an auction. They had gone to the house after the funeral and put their names on everything and tried removing stuff from the house. I can't wait till they find out the level of debt my grandparents were in for their medical care and that there will literally be no money left. Selfish assholes.

Ah, the insurance companies, hospital groups, "providers" and pharmaceutical companies will avail themselves of your grandparents' estate. Murica

[Anonymous]

OP, how many Hummels and what would you do with them?

[Anonymous]

We don't really know the exact details of how this all came about, so is it possible that your relatives who live closest to your grandmother's house took the large items simply because they had the space to keep them? And since they have to store them, they'd take what was useful or meaningful to them. Renting a local storage unit costs money, and someone would have to pay the rent on that monthly. Shipping is expensive and isn't realistic to do unless you know someone really wants the item(s). What they did may not have been motivated so much by greed, but practicality.

No one will know what meant the most to you unless you tell them. The only way you'll stand a chance to get anything is to make your wishes known to them and ask (nicely) if you can have it.

But you also have to go into this acknowledging your grandmother has all these relatives besides you and there are only so many items. Unless you and your grandmother discussed it ahead of time, you may not have gotten what you had your heart set on anyway. And maybe your relative will end up giving you the item you wished for sometime in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP, I feel your pain. My baby SIL has already claimed the ONE THING in my ILs house that she knows my husband loves. Literally, in a house full of beautiful antiques, he wants ONE PAINTING, and my in-laws are in perfect health, not dying anytime soon, and as he is admiring it one day, she says "MOMMY, I want THAT painting". What a bitch, she only wants it because DH likes it so much.

Well, plenty of time to address this issue, isn't there? Tell DH to talk to his parents.

Life is really not as unfair and difficult as some of you make it out to be...