Husband of 25 years tells me he thinks he made a mistake by marrying me

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm the one who told you to elbow your husband in the throat. If that tactic doesn't work for you, get a makeover. New hair, makeup and update your wardrobe. Then, if you don't have small children, start finding activities in the evenings to do in in your new clothes with your new hair and makeup on. If he wants to focus on some mythical memory of "what might have been" let him. There are other fish in the sea, just bait your hook and lower the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this to my husband all the time. No big deal. You're over thinking it.

I also say this to DH all the time. I also say that we probably would not still be married if it weren't for the kids. I actually feel like this quite often when I am mad or having a bad day.

DH knows I love him. Even when we were dating, I would say we should break up occasionally.

I honestly don't understand why you think this is okay. Do you not realize how hurtful it is?

PP here. Because it is how I feel! Our relationship took a nose dive when our second child was born. DH and I had no relationship for two years and became parenting roommates. I have grown and my expectations are lower now. I accept our marriage for the kids. We both love our kids dearly.

I have been with DH for 15 years. Sometimes I really hate him. Other times I like him like a friend. Once in a while, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Usually it is middle ground. I used to think we were unique with our marital issues but after witnessing other families go through worse, I realize these ups and downs are quite normal and what marriage is all about.

It sounds like you can't handle the truth!

I can totally relate to this.

[Anonymous]

OP, was marrying the OW even an option? It sounds like she chose someone else and he never fully got over her. I am sorry he is telling you this 25 years into marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP here. He called off our engagement because he couldn't decide if he wanted to be with me or the OW. He agonized for months over which one of us he wanted to marry. He finally decided on me and six weeks later we were married and I was pregnant. And he tells me now he has doubted this decision all these years.

But he doesn't want to leave. I don't know what to feel. I'm just stunned. He told me this when we were in bed one Saturday morning. We weren't fighting, he said he just wanted to be honest. I told him he of course made the right decision.

I tend to let things just roll over me but this one threw me for a loop. I mean, what does this say about how he really feels about our life together for the past 25 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He called off our engagement because he couldn't decide if he wanted to be with me or the OW. He agonized for months over which one of us he wanted to marry. He finally decided on me and six weeks later we were married and I was pregnant. And he tells me now he has doubted this decision all these years.

But he doesn't want to leave. I don't know what to feel. I'm just stunned. He told me this when we were in bed one Saturday morning. We weren't fighting, he said he just wanted to be honest. I told him he of course made the right decision.

I tend to let things just roll over me but this one threw me for a loop. I mean, what does this say about how he really feels about our life together for the past 25 years?

Was he dating both of you at the same time?

I know he has hurt you but try to work through this. You are married.

I had a long term bf I loved very much. We both hurt one another a lot. I actually always felt I loved him more. I wanted to marry him. He was the love of my life.

DH wasn't exactly a rebound because I had other rebounds before him. DH did everything right. He was so sweet and kind.

Ex eventually begged me back and said he wanted to marry me. I ended up choosing the other guy, now DH. I don't think I ever loved DH the way I loved my ex.

When DH and I are rocky, I do think of Ex occasionally. I wonder if I made the right decision. When I look at my kids, I remind myself that this is the life I chose. I remind myself that I would probably be divorced with older kids had I married the Ex.

[Anonymous]

I just keep coming back to how heartless it was of him to tell you this. Some things you just take the grave. Why this sudden need to unburden himself of this information on a random Saturday morning? Nope nope, I would have to punch him in his eye.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Was the other woman begging to marry him? Were you both his "pre-fiancees" at the same time? Was he trulu double-dating right up to his engagement?

Wow. I totally do not relate at all...

But that's neither here nor there (just an interesting tidbit, I guess).

Anyway, I would talk this out. You can assure him that you love him, but that you're actually very hurt to think that he doesn't love you. At the very least, he married the person who loved him the MOST, of that you're sure--because no one could love him more than you do (or did). And that fact might be an indication that he made the right choice after all.

But I'd also tell him that if he's trying to tell you that he doesn't love you anymore, ir he wants to get a divorce, or even if he wants to work on your relationship, then please just SAY SO rather than engage in this little game. You don't deserve to have to guess what's going on. That is disrespectful, even if he already knows he wants out.

[Anonymous]

OP, what your DH and other posters need to understand is that a great bf/gf that you are madly in love with does not automatically translate to a solid marriage partner. Marriage is so much more -combined assets, kids, in-laws.......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your kind, honest and thoughtful responses. He looked the OW up on Facebook in front of me. Her profile picture showed her seemingly happy with her husband of many decades. He broke down crying in front of me when he saw her photo. He said "he looks like a nice guy"

It's pretty shitty, you know? He's a workaholic and morbidly obese....and although I know he is faithful, I can't help but wonder if his food and weight issues as well as lack of interest in parenting and family life is really regret over marrying me. We are culturally Catholic (although hes an Atheist these days)...he has a huge, unhealthy guilt complex. I got pregnant on our wedding night. And he's telling me now that he felt he made the wrong choice a week after the wedding.

I have a college degree in teaching\education. I went back to work a few years ago but quit after one year in the classroom because I hated it. Hes so dependent on me for everything that I'm not sure he would function all that well on his own. Hes diabetic with COPD.

So really neither of us are in a position to leave but damn, I feel like I've wasted time. But I am still crazy in love with him.

My goodness, it sounds like he's having some kind of crisis - breaking down crying while looking at a FB picture of a college GF from decades ago?
This would simultaneously repulse and alarm me.

[Anonymous]

Morbidly obese = depressed. How long has he been like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He called off our engagement because he couldn't decide if he wanted to be with me or the OW. He agonized for months over which one of us he wanted to marry. He finally decided on me and six weeks later we were married and I was pregnant. And he tells me now he has doubted this decision all these years.

But he doesn't want to leave. I don't know what to feel. I'm just stunned. He told me this when we were in bed one Saturday morning. We weren't fighting, he said he just wanted to be honest. I told him he of course made the right decision.

I tend to let things just roll over me but this one threw me for a loop. I mean, what does this say about how he really feels about our life together for the past 25 years?

This long lost GF is carrying all of his unfulfilled hopes and dreams, his long lost youth and potential and the full weight of his mid-life crisis.
He's imagining "what if" because real life is...real, with all of it stressors and disappointments and struggles, and you are part of that real life.
That he would share this with you so bluntly and weep over her FB photo in your presence is pretty pathetic, but the fact that you are still madly in love with him despite this shows that he definitely made the right choice. That he cannot see that is really sad for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He called off our engagement because he couldn't decide if he wanted to be with me or the OW. He agonized for months over which one of us he wanted to marry. He finally decided on me and six weeks later we were married and I was pregnant. And he tells me now he has doubted this decision all these years.

But he doesn't want to leave. I don't know what to feel. I'm just stunned. He told me this when we were in bed one Saturday morning. We weren't fighting, he said he just wanted to be honest. I told him he of course made the right decision.

I tend to let things just roll over me but this one threw me for a loop. I mean, what does this say about how he really feels about our life together for the past 25 years?

This long lost GF is carrying all of his unfulfilled hopes and dreams, his long lost youth and potential and the full weight of his mid-life crisis.
He's imagining "what if" because real life is...real, with all of it stressors and disappointments and struggles, and you are part of that real life.
That he would share this with you so bluntly and weep over her FB photo in your presence is pretty pathetic, but the fact that you are still madly in love with him despite this shows that he definitely made the right choice. That he cannot see that is really sad for both of you.

Agree with the bolded. Maybe you talk to him and help guide him into counseling. Sounds like he needs help from a professional to sort through feelings.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a classic midlife crisis. Very selfish. He actually wants you to also feel bad for the choice that he made which was you. Does that make any sense?

You sound like a lovely person. I would've told him to shut the f up, turned over, and read another DCUM thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this to my husband all the time. No big deal. You're over thinking it.

+1. I love my husband but have said things similarly. We started dating at 21 and I had no clue what his career would be or that it would take over our lives. I wish sometimes I'd married someone else who doesn't travel and isn't the golden boy. It would be nice to be able to have kids and just hang out at home some nights.

humble brag. called out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your kind, honest and thoughtful responses. He looked the OW up on Facebook in front of me. Her profile picture showed her seemingly happy with her husband of many decades. He broke down crying in front of me when he saw her photo. He said "he looks like a nice guy"

It's pretty shitty, you know? He's a workaholic and morbidly obese....and although I know he is faithful, I can't help but wonder if his food and weight issues as well as lack of interest in parenting and family life is really regret over marrying me. We are culturally Catholic (although hes an Atheist these days)...he has a huge, unhealthy guilt complex. I got pregnant on our wedding night. And he's telling me now that he felt he made the wrong choice a week after the wedding.

I have a college degree in teaching\education. I went back to work a few years ago but quit after one year in the classroom because I hated it. Hes so dependent on me for everything that I'm not sure he would function all that well on his own. Hes diabetic with COPD.

So really neither of us are in a position to leave but damn, I feel like I've wasted time. But I am still crazy in love with him.

Wow. This has nothing to do with you. He is blaming you for choices he made. Stop thinking about his feelings and begin thinking of yours. Thia whole post is so sad.