Husband of 25 years tells me he thinks he made a mistake by marrying me

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Warm hugs.

I agree with many of the prior posters - it sounds like he is reviewing his life, a la mid life crisis, and looking at it with a negative lens.

Nevertheless, it sounds like you feel really awful, and that much of the meaning that you thought you shared was imaginary. But it wasn't, of course.

Hang in there. More hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post reminded me of this article. I only hope I can be as strong as her if this ever happens to me!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=all

I didn't really get her stance. She basically just refused to acknowledge what her DH was saying. And they still ended up divorced in the end. It just didn't resonate with me. But it seemed to help ger through, so there's that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry. I would die if my Dh said that to me after 25 years of marriage. (And to the PP whose DH said he didn't love her when they got married....OMG. I would have been out the door that night. Life's too short, my friend).

I don't understand why people think its acceptable to say such terrible things to their spouses. You basically destroy the other person's vision of their last 25 years of life, too.

Has the "other" college girlfriend suddenly popped up on Facebook?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post reminded me of this article. I only hope I can be as strong as her if this ever happens to me!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=all

Munson eventually got divorced.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he may have reconnected with his old girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say this to my husband all the time. No big deal. You're over thinking it.

I also say this to DH all the time. I also say that we probably would not still be married if it weren't for the kids. I actually feel like this quite often when I am mad or having a bad day.

DH knows I love him. Even when we were dating, I would say we should break up occasionally.

[Anonymous]

He's probably stepped out on the marriage and thinks that he's wasting his time with you. I mean, are you even having sex any more? Be honest!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has midlife crisis written all over it. Men, especially, get to this point and become obsessed with all they haven't accomplished, all they have missed out on, all the ways they didn't measure up to their young vision of themselves. I've seen it so many times.

What they tend to do is to focus it all outwards, and look for external solutions. It's easier to lay the blame at their wives' feet than it is to look inward and see it's themselves they're not happy with. And of course, the idealized notion of the ones that got away or the current women around them fill a perfect fantasy slot.

In your shoes, I've spent a lot of hours calmly talking about these things. I had to get my husband to start looking inside himself, so he realized how miserable and full of self-loathing and judgment he was, and that not even the most perfect, ideal woman would change that.

He needed to figure out what to work on in himself. He needed to think about and decide whether it was worth it to give up all he had with me and our kids, to chase his fantasies. I told him he was totally free to leave and pursue his dream, and I wished him well, but that it meant I would move on, live my own life, and hopefully find a new man who was sure he wanted to be with me.

He had been checked out, and putting his energy into fantasizing about other women for a few years. But when I told him that he'd have to actually think carefully, and make a choice, he started to see me in a new light. He eventually started recognizing his childish fantasies for what they were. He started figuring things out and making changes in himself. His focus and direction shifted to reality and how to make it better, starting with himself.

It hasn't been easy. I've taken a lot of damage that will take a long time to heal. We've both grown. I'd just as soon have skipped this phase, but growth is painful.

This is so spot on and thoughtful. Thank you

[Anonymous]

I am a DH; DW and I have been having a hard time for a few years. In my heart of hearts I have often reflected on "the one that got away". My DW experienced a tragedy when young in that her first love died in a car crash. After a few brutal years, I think we both often think of what could have been...the really hard part is to realize that this is life - choices made and that it is the life that we have built together that should be bringing us together. But, three teenagers, financial stress, and a complete lack of intimacy brought on by stress and a difference of sex drives and you have too adults both thinking of what could have been. As with most relationship issues, it comes down to communications. Try to move past your hurt and have an open dialog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you haven't already, you should punch your husband in his throat with using your elbow and all the power you can muster for telling you this after 25 years of marriage.

LOL! Exactly. OP, then kick the jerk to the curb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this to my husband all the time. No big deal. You're over thinking it.

I also say this to DH all the time. I also say that we probably would not still be married if it weren't for the kids. I actually feel like this quite often when I am mad or having a bad day.

DH knows I love him. Even when we were dating, I would say we should break up occasionally.

I honestly don't understand why you think this is okay. Do you not realize how hurtful it is?

[Anonymous]

There is no such thing as the one who got away. That person is not there for a reason. And always looks better than the partner you are disagreeing with about finances and how to raise kids.

[Anonymous]

I agree it's mean to say this, particularly unprovoked. But to be honest, I feel this way about my spouse. I don't think either of us really were very smart about what was really important for us in a mate, and we both could have found better matches. (Me -- someone more forgiving, more calm, more fun, more focused on the positive. Him -- someone more athletic, more organized, more blonde and with bigger ta-tas.)

But, really, at this point -- does it matter? We're not going to turn back time and be able to find a better match in our 20's. Those years are long gone. The only question is whether it's a "mistake" to stay together tomorrow, and next month, and next year, and in the next decade. That's really the only relevant question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this to my husband all the time. No big deal. You're over thinking it.

I also say this to DH all the time. I also say that we probably would not still be married if it weren't for the kids. I actually feel like this quite often when I am mad or having a bad day.

DH knows I love him. Even when we were dating, I would say we should break up occasionally.

I honestly don't understand why you think this is okay. Do you not realize how hurtful it is?

PP here. Because it is how I feel! Our relationship took a nose dive when our second child was born. DH and I had no relationship for two years and became parenting roommates. I have grown and my expectations are lower now. I accept our marriage for the kids. We both love our kids dearly.

I have been with DH for 15 years. Sometimes I really hate him. Other times I like him like a friend. Once in a while, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Usually it is middle ground. I used to think we were unique with our marital issues but after witnessing other families go through worse, I realize these ups and downs are quite normal and what marriage is all about.

It sounds like you can't handle the truth!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post reminded me of this article. I only hope I can be as strong as her if this ever happens to me!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=all

Munson eventually got divorced.

Interesting. I remember that essay when it came out, and I remembered wondering if they could sustain that. Guess I know the answer.
For those of you, like me, that read or heard about the orginal essay when it came out, here is a follow-up essay that received far, far less publicity
http://time.com/author/laura-munson/
From the essay...
"Back in 2008, I was met with the words, “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.” And an encore in 2011: “It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s that I’m not in love with you anymore.” The first time, I believed that the relationship was salvageable. The second time, I knew the marriage had to end."

I read that and all I can think is--wow, that's 3 years she could have spent establishing herself as her own person, looking for new relationships, whatever, instead of holding on to this marriage.