Considering leaving a good job ($120K) in mid-thirties to be a SAHM

[Anonymous]

I think if you have a good emergency fund set up, have tracked your spending etc., you should do it. Make sure there's money in the budget for part time preschool.

You may also want to buy a property before you quit. Make sure you can afford the mortgage on one income.

DC is a work-centric town, so I'm not surprised at most of these responses. If you can swing it financially and that's what you want to do, you should do it. You won't regret spending more time with your children while they are young.

[Anonymous]

If you quit now you are never going to want to go back to work before your kids go to college if you could find a job after being out of the labor force for 10 years. I am doing the opposite. I worked full-time when my kids were young and just went to 80% part-time now that they are in K and 2nd grade. When we run into kids my 2nd grader spent years with at daycare he doesn't even remember them. He doesn't remember that I used to work full-time. I love that I can make connections to other moms at school and to his teachers. I plan on going to 60% in a couple of years as they get older and 50% went they are in middle school. I think it is more important to stay home during these ages. By delaying working part-time we were able to save for our retirement, start saving for college, and buy a house in a neighborhood with good public schools. I also advanced in my career and have an easier time going part-time.

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM and have been one for close to 10 years.

I would advice you not to leave your job, because I am sensing that you do not have the kind of finances right now that is conducive to leaving the work place. It is not about being able to pay the bills on one salary. It is about being able to afford a house, afford insurance, afford college and afford retirement on one salary in this region.

Divorce is a real possibility for many women who advocate being a WOHM, but I think that women in stable, solid and happy relationships know where they stand. I will presume that you have one of those marriages and divorce is not a concern. You can give yourself piece of mind by having life and disability insurance.

I think you need to seriously think what you can do (training, change of career, other streams of revenue) so that you can work from home. Once you are established, you can leave your 9 to 5 job.

[Anonymous]

Does anybody know: Is it hard to buy short or long term disability insurance if you are not employed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you quit now you are never going to want to go back to work before your kids go to college if you could find a job after being out of the labor force for 10 years. I am doing the opposite. I worked full-time when my kids were young and just went to 80% part-time now that they are in K and 2nd grade. When we run into kids my 2nd grader spent years with at daycare he doesn't even remember them. He doesn't remember that I used to work full-time. I love that I can make connections to other moms at school and to his teachers. I plan on going to 60% in a couple of years as they get older and 50% went they are in middle school. I think it is more important to stay home during these ages. By delaying working part-time we were able to save for our retirement, start saving for college, and buy a house in a neighborhood with good public schools. I also advanced in my career and have an easier time going part-time.

PP who was a SAHM w/ freelance work for 7 yrs. I was a SAHM from the birth of #1 and was eager to get back to work when #2 started K. IMO, there's no perfect way or perfect years to be a SAHM. My kids go to a school with mostly FT working parents so I found the parent connections were happening more at aftercare pick up rather than right after school. DS was begging to go to aftercare with all his friends since they weren't available for mid-week playdates. The school also doesn't want much in the way of parent volunteers and schedules nearly all activities for evenings/weekends. However, I have friends where the school culture is much more focused around at-home parents so I'd probably feel differently if we were in that kind of neighborhood.

When I quit I figured I'd go back to work when #2 was about 3, figuring I'd be comfortable with full-time preschool then but I was loving SAHM life and our PT preschool that I had no desire to go back to work. Once they were both in school full-day I was ready. Now with 1 in ES and 1 in MS, I feel like I'm home plenty but DH and I both WAH one day a week (and any other time we need to) so that helps. I also go in early so I'm home by 5. That works fine with kids who are in bed by 9pm but would have been awful when my babies did best by being in bed at 7pm at the latest.

[Anonymous]

My post may have been the post you are referring to. I can't remember what details I shared but I earned about $150k and I am 36 years old with 2 kids. I ended up leaving my job to be a SAHM and I am so much happier. I had some issues about wasting my hard earned degrees and becoming financial dependent on my DH. His money is my money and both our #1 priorities are our children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a ppstnup before you stay home that outlines spousal support in case of divorce.

Ditto

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you quit now you are never going to want to go back to work before your kids go to college if you could find a job after being out of the labor force for 10 years. I am doing the opposite. I worked full-time when my kids were young and just went to 80% part-time now that they are in K and 2nd grade. When we run into kids my 2nd grader spent years with at daycare he doesn't even remember them. He doesn't remember that I used to work full-time. I love that I can make connections to other moms at school and to his teachers. I plan on going to 60% in a couple of years as they get older and 50% went they are in middle school. I think it is more important to stay home during these ages. By delaying working part-time we were able to save for our retirement, start saving for college, and buy a house in a neighborhood with good public schools. I also advanced in my career and have an easier time going part-time.

This is what I'd like to do as well. I think SAH during the baby/toddler years is more for the mom, no kid remembers that. That's why moms are always like it was a great time, but kids are like ??? ok, lol. I worked part time while my kids were infants but I'd also like to do it when they are in middle school because I feel like that's when kids really need the most guidance.

[Anonymous]

I think for you, go for it. I said No to the previous poster. Different circumstances. I have a 28 month old and 24-28 months have been amazingly joyful and fun. She is soaking in so much. She learms phrases at daycare and sometimes I feel sad when I'm not the one teaching her all the new things. She also is at an age where she can say heartbreaking stuff like "want play with mommy. No want daycare." But we need my salary for our finances so SAH is not a realistic option for us. I thought 12-24 months was fun. 24-28 has been amazing. Enjoy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about the reality of sahm vs the fantasy of it?

Fantasy: Lunch at pain quotidien with your girlfriends and maybe a nice bikram yoga after
Reality: cold cuts at home. Voga is moving dishes to dishwasher.

Fantasy: Tuesday my gym play dates with DS best friends followed by ice cream at the park
Reality: my gym is too expensive, play date at the public park, ice cream truck becomes a nuisance

Fantasy: rock solid ass toned from jogging around in stroller with DS
Reality: exhausted after 3 loads of laundry, cleaning house and chasing kid around. Ass still big.

Fantasy: drop kid off at play based schooling 2x a week. Enjoy a margarita with bff then home for a quick shower and masterbation sash before heading back to pick up kid
Reality: can't afford play based schooling. Decide on chipotle. Masterbation sounds tiring. Maybe watch hgtv instead.

Just sayin'

I lived this life as a SAHM in NW DC and our HHI was $250k. I still felt like the poor mom among everyone I met at playgroups, parks etc.
Generally the only moms who SAH in NW are those with a major breadwinner backing them. It would honestly be very hard to SAH with a tight budget--
the things that keep you sane as a SAH are pool memberships, part-time preschool, trips out for lunch (with and without kids), spontaneous trips for frozen yogurt, classes/sports for the kids, etc. Never mind all the crazy travel that everyone in NW does--
the trips to the West Coast 4 times a year, international travel, ski trips, etc. There is a lot of money in the SAHM crowd in NW DC.
If would be hard (not impossible but hard) to exist in this community and have to watch every spare dollar.

Agree that it depends on your crowd. Even 250 hhi might not feel like enough.
I do have a sah friend with a dh who only makes 120k living in NW. Her older preschooler kid does a lot of classes but they don't eat out often and don't hire babysitters and they take affordable vacations (drive somewhere, drive to go see grandparents). Plus they live in a one bed condo. A very tight space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I re-framed my term of unemployment. I left a well-paying job for good reasons and have no regrets about that. It did take a very long time to find work. Right now, I am anticipating a July 1st start date, meaning that I will have been out of work for two years. During this time, I've invested seriously in my children and household. It has been a true gift. At first, I was too mired down in the frustration of finding myself seemingly unemployable. At the one year mark, a mentor challenged me to re-frame my situation. I was a SAHM, working on my writing. She was just offering a way to spin, but she hit on the truth of my circumstance. That is exactly what I had been doing. The job I am now expecting is a great fit for my family, now that I've been able to thoroughly establish systems at home and bring my children to a stronger place, academically, socio-emotionally, and developmentally. There's a lot of flexibility. The pay is no great, certainly not by DCUM standards, but it will allow me to more than meet our basic needs and max out savings. We learned to prioritize our expenses while I was out of work and developed a solid means of passive income.

I'm going back to work because I need to feed the part of me that reflects my professional excellence. I crave the intellectual environment and collegial atmosphere. I want to socialize with grown ups again.

Taking time off from work to dedicate yourself to parenting is a desirable luxury. Don't underestimate your own needs when taking this step. You don't want to view this as a sacrifice, and that's exactly what you'll face after awhile.

I was going to write a response, but whatever I had inside my head, this gal did a way better job of explaining things. What a great response.

PPs have suggested living on one income for a minimum of six months to test out the viability re finances. I would also use that time to quite actively seek out part-time work. Contract work can be intrusive. You get used to a schedule, work hard to make sure it takes hold, then a contract assignment comes in an you have to scuttle all your efforts to make room for a large responsibility. Part-time work from the start is just a routine part of your family life; it's something to build around and provides consistency which is the key to success with your children.

I've gained a lot from this experience. I would encourage you to take your own needs seriously. Right now, time off from work may seem like great fun, but it will get lonely out here. It is VERY easy to fall away from the professional network you take for granted right now. I'd use these next six months to intensify my involvement in professional associations, join meet ups, look up useful conferences coming up in the next year. If I had held onto any of these, I wouldn't have had those moments of embarrassment, when I felt I'd given too much of myself away and saw others advancing while I had to live by a different metric.

Money is only one issue that you need to mull before making this decision. And, yes, ten years is far too long to go without having a meaningful connection to your professional world. Even though it's only been two years (three, if you consider my last job wasn't part of my career track, it was just a job), I have to start all over.

If you were part of my small circle of highly-accomplished, go-getting, Type-A friends, we'd be sitting at my dining room table going over an Excel spreadsheet and a built-out calendar to cover the next two years. We'd work to ensure your balance. The mommy part is what you're focusing on, maybe even the marital partner piece as well. You may be able to afford the transition financially, but you really need to focus on what it will cost you emotionally and professionally.

Are you prepared to take an internship in order to re-enter the workforce? Are you wiling to start off making half of what you currently do when you decide to go back to work? How about answering to people far junior in their experience?

I'm very lucky to have had a mentor who knew me well enough that she essentially created a position for me. Nothing on record would indicate my capacity to do the work assigned to this position. I have busy work (contract, part-time consulting) on my resume covering the last three years, which has made it very difficult to present my talents to potential employers.

The bright side is that I have no regrets about how I spent these last years, and that I now know what my new career track must look like in order to maintain what I've built. It's been humbling, so humbling, because I had a brilliant reputation. Strong mind, excellent worker, outstanding product. The measurables of the last three years in now way reflect what I once had.

Factor yourself into this equation as you move forward. I don't mean to neg on your vision. It's just so easy to build an idea around what you can provide without taking into account what you will need.

Think on that a bit more. Prioritize yourself when making you plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I'd add (new poster here) is that around 2 to 3 they become real pains to be around. It is NOT sunshine and rainbows, let me tell you.

This, this this. also - 110 K - that is TIGHT for a family of four in this area. Tight, tight, tight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I'd add (new poster here) is that around 2 to 3 they become real pains to be around. It is NOT sunshine and rainbows, let me tell you.

I actually disagree. I think the 18-24 month age is the hardest to parent (have a 4 yr old and 18 month old now). SO active, but can't communicate that well, need to be watched every second, etc. My 4 year old is much easier and has been since about 2.5 (and he isn't an easy kid by nature).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about the reality of sahm vs the fantasy of it?

Fantasy: Lunch at pain quotidien with your girlfriends and maybe a nice bikram yoga after
Reality: cold cuts at home. Voga is moving dishes to dishwasher.

Fantasy: Tuesday my gym play dates with DS best friends followed by ice cream at the park
Reality: my gym is too expensive, play date at the public park, ice cream truck becomes a nuisance

Fantasy: rock solid ass toned from jogging around in stroller with DS
Reality: exhausted after 3 loads of laundry, cleaning house and chasing kid around. Ass still big.

Fantasy: drop kid off at play based schooling 2x a week. Enjoy a margarita with bff then home for a quick shower and masterbation sash before heading back to pick up kid
Reality: can't afford play based schooling. Decide on chipotle. Masterbation sounds tiring. Maybe watch hgtv instead.

Just sayin'

I lived this life as a SAHM in NW DC and our HHI was $250k. I still felt like the poor mom among everyone I met at playgroups, parks etc.
Generally the only moms who SAH in NW are those with a major breadwinner backing them. It would honestly be very hard to SAH with a tight budget--
the things that keep you sane as a SAH are pool memberships, part-time preschool, trips out for lunch (with and without kids), spontaneous trips for frozen yogurt, classes/sports for the kids, etc. Never mind all the crazy travel that everyone in NW does--
the trips to the West Coast 4 times a year, international travel, ski trips, etc. There is a lot of money in the SAHM crowd in NW DC.
If would be hard (not impossible but hard) to exist in this community and have to watch every spare dollar.

Agree that it depends on your crowd. Even 250 hhi might not feel like enough.
I do have a sah friend with a dh who only makes 120k living in NW. Her older preschooler kid does a lot of classes but they don't eat out often and don't hire babysitters and they take affordable vacations (drive somewhere, drive to go see grandparents). Plus they live in a one bed condo. A very tight space.

She stays home, have 2+ kids, and live in a 1bed room condo. I'm sorry there are probably some misplaced priorities here. Hope they are at least saving money b/c having teenagers in a 1bed room will be... Complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I'd add (new poster here) is that around 2 to 3 they become real pains to be around. It is NOT sunshine and rainbows, let me tell you.

I actually disagree. I think the 18-24 month age is the hardest to parent (have a 4 yr old and 18 month old now). SO active, but can't communicate that well, need to be watched every second, etc. My 4 year old is much easier and has been since about 2.5 (and he isn't an easy kid by nature).

well, to each their own, but I have heard dramatically more about 3 being tough than 18-24 months. I personally found that stage a breeze with both of mine. Now, 2.5-3.5 were rough stuff.