Inlaws Paying for Other grandchildren/sister in law to go to disney---Am annoyed, would you be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op here again--also why I asked on an anonymous forum and not say something to them or DH, because wasn't sure if it was my pregnancy hormones or if this is something that is worth discussing. I have not said anything to my inlaws other then to offer to help them plan/offer suggestions when they told us.

Did you not say that your kid has already been to Disney -- that your parents live in FLA and so your kids will always have easy access to Disney? So know you are annoyed that your in-laws are paying for the other kids to go to Disney, the same place you have already been and have acess to and will admittedly go to on many other trips? I.just. can't.

It's not about the money. Someone else suggested we offer to pay, which I am going to suggest to my husband. It's about being included in a big "family" trip that included the other grandchildren. When I go it's because my parents live there. It is not the all inclusive deal you may be imagining. One day one park home to sleep. Not the resort/package trip my Inlaws are doing. I just mentioned my ffrequency/ that we've been as was being transparent and wanted honest feedback and thought that could be a reason for the non invite.

YOU may be seeing this as "a big family trip" but clearly your in-laws do not and I'd bet they'd be baffled that you think it shortchanges your own kids. They see it as a trip for them SIL's family, period. Their money, their time, their choice. I think you're seeing this as being cut out of something you feel should have been for everyone when they were just figuring your kids have done and will do Disney over and over, and SIL's won't. You are inflating this into a slap at your kids and by extension yourself when frankly they may have had zero agenda like that. They know you have frequent access to Disney and likely will for years. I would bet they even would say, "But we figured you and the kids would be tired of Disney since you've been there and are able to go whenever."

They probably felt you might feel insulted if they DID offer Disney, that you'd respond, "Well, we go there anyway, no thanks." They can't read your mind.

The in-laws probably just figure that Disney is basically grandma and grandpa's back yard to your kids, but it's a big-deal destination to SIL's kids. And I would feel the same way in their shoes.

You cannot blame them for not knowing that you want your kids to get a "resort/package trip" that visiting your parents doesn't provide.

+1

The ILs can do as they wish with their (THEIR) money.

And they are not your parents - so even if you have a beef with what you think is unequal treatment, you (OP) have no standing here. They are not your parents.

You sound like a spoiled brat.

[Anonymous]

In this instance, you probably have to let it go. Perhaps in the future they will do something special for your children.

But in the big picture, I COMPLETELY understand. My IL's often do things with my SIL and her children that seems to cry favoritism. Whether that is true or not, who knows. If have been told before that many MILs feel closer to their daughters children than their sons. I cannot imagine that at this point in my life, but I guess it is a real thing. But regardless of the showing of favoritism- time, money, travel plans, phone calls, facebook messages, etc - the real issue is that my children are getting substantially "less" of their grandparents than their cousins are.

At this age (4 & 1)- they have no clue. But at some point they will. And they will ask questions. Its far too noticeable. And then what do you say. How do you explain to a child that Nana loves them just as much as Darla.. even though it looks like she loves Darla more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to build a closer relationship, don't look for reasons to be annoyed. People don't want to spend as much time with family members who try to guilt-trip them or otherwise add drama to their lives.

+1

If people have to walk around on tiptoes around you, it creates a lot of stress and anxiety, and it will make them less and less likely to engage with you, even if it's not a conscious decision.

+1 I feel the same about MIL. She is not easy to get along with, and has never been helpful to us. She dishes out the digs when there is a wedding, funeral, birth, whatever. Who needs it?

OP, are they nice people who you like to spend time with/be around? If so, maybe you can mention next time you talk to MIL that you would like DC to see Disney with her sometime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In this instance, you probably have to let it go. Perhaps in the future they will do something special for your children.

But in the big picture, I COMPLETELY understand. My IL's often do things with my SIL and her children that seems to cry favoritism. Whether that is true or not, who knows. If have been told before that many MILs feel closer to their daughters children than their sons. I cannot imagine that at this point in my life, but I guess it is a real thing. But regardless of the showing of favoritism- time, money, travel plans, phone calls, facebook messages, etc - the real issue is that my children are getting substantially "less" of their grandparents than their cousins are.

At this age (4 & 1)- they have no clue. But at some point they will. And they will ask questions. Its far too noticeable. And then what do you say. How do you explain to a child that Nana loves them just as much as Darla.. even though it looks like she loves Darla more.

That is such BS. A good Mil is a good MIL, who treats all of their children equally. Maybe not the same, but it should all come out in the wash, so to speak. What kind of person lets one child feel worse than the other by providing more for one than another? That is an awful human being right there. In fact, when there is favoritism, I always get the impression that the awful MIL must have been an awful mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--I understand this, and when we had no kids it never bothered me --but when it affects my children and the lack of interest in them, it is hard to not upset me. So i am basically supposed to not care, ignore it and just be chill?

As for the question about better off--my DH and i are in no way rich but we are better off than his sister, so that could be a part of it

Oh god honey, you need to drop this. It will only make you crazy. My MIL has never interacted with our kids. She takes herstep daughtsrs and their kids to Disney once a year. Than God we opted out. I am NOW grateful since I have not seen her in four years.

I am free to do want I want when my spouse takes to the kids to her visit without me. I get a break. They get reality check and we never discuss it. It is what it is.

Happy to be free.

+1

You don't need your MILs issues, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this instance, you probably have to let it go. Perhaps in the future they will do something special for your children.

But in the big picture, I COMPLETELY understand. My IL's often do things with my SIL and her children that seems to cry favoritism. Whether that is true or not, who knows. If have been told before that many MILs feel closer to their daughters children than their sons. I cannot imagine that at this point in my life, but I guess it is a real thing. But regardless of the showing of favoritism- time, money, travel plans, phone calls, facebook messages, etc - the real issue is that my children are getting substantially "less" of their grandparents than their cousins are.

At this age (4 & 1)- they have no clue. But at some point they will. And they will ask questions. Its far too noticeable. And then what do you say. How do you explain to a child that Nana loves them just as much as Darla.. even though it looks like she loves Darla more.

That is such BS. A good Mil is a good MIL, who treats all of their children equally. Maybe not the same, but it should all come out in the wash, so to speak. What kind of person lets one child feel worse than the other by providing more for one than another? That is an awful human being right there. In fact, when there is favoritism, I always get the impression that the awful MIL must have been an awful mother.

My MIL has always spent more money on my husbands nieces and nephews. The nieces and nephews are very very poor, and we've even given them money. My mother in law makes clear differences but I understand why. My parents are much more well off, and my children are constantly showered with gifts from my mom. She can't compete with that so she doesn't even try. She does however cook my children home cooked meals and baked goods, takes them to church and other festivals, and continuously showers them with love. They will never get her money I'm certain, but they do get her love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this instance, you probably have to let it go. Perhaps in the future they will do something special for your children.

But in the big picture, I COMPLETELY understand. My IL's often do things with my SIL and her children that seems to cry favoritism. Whether that is true or not, who knows. If have been told before that many MILs feel closer to their daughters children than their sons. I cannot imagine that at this point in my life, but I guess it is a real thing. But regardless of the showing of favoritism- time, money, travel plans, phone calls, facebook messages, etc - the real issue is that my children are getting substantially "less" of their grandparents than their cousins are.

At this age (4 & 1)- they have no clue. But at some point they will. And they will ask questions. Its far too noticeable. And then what do you say. How do you explain to a child that Nana loves them just as much as Darla.. even though it looks like she loves Darla more.

That is such BS. A good Mil is a good MIL, who treats all of their children equally. Maybe not the same, but it should all come out in the wash, so to speak. What kind of person lets one child feel worse than the other by providing more for one than another? That is an awful human being right there. In fact, when there is favoritism, I always get the impression that the awful MIL must have been an awful mother.

I've heard this as well and for my mom it is true. She treats my kids way better than my brother's kids. She sends my kids gifts every month. She's paid for all of their clothes and a lot of their toys. I never ask her too and don't need her too, she just does it. I do remind her to show the same affection to my brother's child, and she tries but it's obviously not the same. My mom was a great mother also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they want to discover it without you telling them this and that and being the jaded "expert" with this thing you have done so many times before.

Let. It. Go.

[Anonymous]

Let it goooooo
Let it goooooo!

Step away and slam the door!

Here I stand...
In the light of daaaaaaaaay.

*My MIL* never bothered me anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this instance, you probably have to let it go. Perhaps in the future they will do something special for your children.

But in the big picture, I COMPLETELY understand. My IL's often do things with my SIL and her children that seems to cry favoritism. Whether that is true or not, who knows. If have been told before that many MILs feel closer to their daughters children than their sons. I cannot imagine that at this point in my life, but I guess it is a real thing. But regardless of the showing of favoritism- time, money, travel plans, phone calls, facebook messages, etc - the real issue is that my children are getting substantially "less" of their grandparents than their cousins are.

At this age (4 & 1)- they have no clue. But at some point they will. And they will ask questions. Its far too noticeable. And then what do you say. How do you explain to a child that Nana loves them just as much as Darla.. even though it looks like she loves Darla more.

That is such BS. A good Mil is a good MIL, who treats all of their children equally. Maybe not the same, but it should all come out in the wash, so to speak. What kind of person lets one child feel worse than the other by providing more for one than another? That is an awful human being right there. In fact, when there is favoritism, I always get the impression that the awful MIL must have been an awful mother.

No way. I think most MILs are much closer to daughter's families than son's families. I see it constantly with my own family and with friends and other relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be hurt in the circumstances you describe, because it sounds like this is ongoing. I'm sure the DCUM harpies will descend on this thread shortly telling you that you're not owed anything telling you that your kids are probably brattier than you realize...blah blah blah. But I get that it isn't about the money or Disney, it's about your in-laws relationship with your kids. This dynamic, for whatever reason, happens in a lot of families.

That said, I think you need to let it go. My in-laws aren't kind to my kids or us. I've decided that they aren't worth my energy!

Yes, I don't think confronting the ILs will be productive at all.

[Anonymous]

yes, it's wrong to assume that grandparents have to invite everyone to everywhere and pick up the tab.

[Anonymous]

I think most women feel more related to daughter's children then some other woman's children. I know, I know, this sounds stupid, but biology is stronger than social norms.

OP, your MIL doesn't care for you. She had no say in the matter, so all you can expect is to be tolerated, I guess.