Spin-off from toddler at wedding thread: okay to request not to bring baby to wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(1) It's called a child free wedding. Yes, it is a thing and you wouldn't be inventing it - you're free to choose that for yourself. Some people will be annoyed, but I found with weddings, you really can't please anyone, so just please yourself & your spouse without out & out disrespecting others. But, you achieve this by mentioning "child free" on the invitation, not individually to specific people whose specific children you do not want in attendance. Do not approach your SIL about this. Just announce that it is a child free wedding.

(2) Your list of grievances seem unfair to me. You took offense at not being "family" when you were just the girlfriend. You were not yet family. Now that you are engaged, you are family-to-be and thus should be included going forward, but to take offense that your SIL did not make her brother's girlfriend a bridesmaid is just reading too much into things, IMO. Being invited last minute to things - it's careless but it's not malicious. When dealing with ILs, it's helpful to not attribute malice when all you know is that they forgot to consider something that would be important to you; that's not the same as plotting to hurt you. Things are much less dramatic when you don't assume to know some one's intentions.

The first part of this makes sense. Except that SIL will of course (if she is anything like my SIL) think she is the exception. Even if you told the rest of your family that there will not be any children (including first cousins, nieces/nephews, whomever). Yup, SIL is the exception of exceptions. :sarcasm: And this behavior of SILs will continue for the duration of your relationship. The one thing SIL has given you is fair warning of her louse behavior, OP. Know that.

Your wedding, your rules. ESPECIALLY if you are paying for it yourselves. Period.

[Anonymous]

Of course you can have an adults only wedding! Your reasons sound crazy though. You really think she was trying to steal your thunder by announcing her pregnancy weeks after your engagement? Ha hahaha ha.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is generally about "stealing anyone's thunder". It depends on the bride's reasons, and what is happening with the bride and why she planned the way she did, but I never heard it was "stealing anyone's thunder".

It's simple: kids don't really enjoy weddings, for the most part. Why make it difficult?

[Anonymous]

Kid free weddings are fine, but OP is a petty diva for her reasoning.

I think there is more to the story and that you are very insecure, OP. It sounds like you are jealous as well. Did SIL get the cute brother, lol? I imagine that people will know that you were targeting the SIL with your policy and that they expect that behavior from you.

Do what you want, but don't complain when your kids aren't close with their cousins, aunt and uncle or when you get left out of future events. This is your chance to extend an olive branch and grow up while entering a new phase of your life. Enjoy your 5 minutes of "shine" at your wedding and then hop back into the back seat for the rest of the ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kid free weddings are fine, but OP is a petty diva for her reasoning.

I think there is more to the story and that you are very insecure, OP. It sounds like you are jealous as well. Did SIL get the cute brother, lol? I imagine that people will know that you were targeting the SIL with your policy and that they expect that behavior from you.

Do what you want, but don't complain when your kids aren't close with their cousins, aunt and uncle or when you get left out of future events. This is your chance to extend an olive branch and grow up while entering a new phase of your life. Enjoy your 5 minutes of "shine" at your wedding and then hop back into the back seat for the rest of the ride.

You sound crazy and vengeful. I don't think this is about kids at weddings, at all, frankly.

Brides can do what they want at their weddings. If you don't like it, don't go. If you are that crazy and vengeful, you won't be missed. For the bride, this is only the beginning of your antics. Really, let someone else have their day in peace. You have no boundaries at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kid free weddings are fine, but OP is a petty diva for her reasoning.

I think there is more to the story and that you are very insecure, OP. It sounds like you are jealous as well. Did SIL get the cute brother, lol? I imagine that people will know that you were targeting the SIL with your policy and that they expect that behavior from you.

Do what you want, but don't complain when your kids aren't close with their cousins, aunt and uncle or when you get left out of future events. This is your chance to extend an olive branch and grow up while entering a new phase of your life. Enjoy your 5 minutes of "shine" at your wedding and then hop back into the back seat for the rest of the ride.

You must be accustomed to trying to boss your brother around. Those days are over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. By the way, I would not attend your wedding if nursing babies weren't allowed. Just a heads up since you're talking about an infant.

A 9 month old isn't an infant! Pump if you are nursing. My 9 month old was walking, and would have been asleep by 7 pm. I wouldn't drag him to someone's wedding.

Sorry, but your opinion becomes irrelevant when you say a 9 month olld isn't a infant.

I think it's fine to say "no babies" but then it also means that you have to be gracious when people can't attend for that reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course you can have an adults only wedding! Your reasons sound crazy though. You really think she was trying to steal your thunder by announcing her pregnancy weeks after your engagement? Ha hahaha ha.

How long was the SIL supposed to wait? If she'd announced at the wedding by making a toast for herself, maybe that's stealing thunder...but a few weeks after your engagement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After four years together, I recently got engaged to a wonderful man, and our wedding is scheduled for July 2016. We are planning a very small ceremony and reception, with a total of only 24 guests, mostly family. My fiance's SIL (soon to be my SIL I suppose) just announced that she is pregnant (with her first), within weeks of us announcing our engagement. She has a history of "stealing the show" when it comes to family affairs, and also of excluding my fiancé and I from family related events that she organizes [for example: she often has parties, and will invite my fiance's sister and parents, who live three hours away, well in advance, but does not invite us until literally the last possible minute, and we often have to work nights, which she knows, and then are unable to attend, etc. At her wedding, last summer, she had several bridesmaids, one of which was my fiance's sister, but I was not included in the bridal party, despite knowing her for many years. Onviously it's her prerogative who gets to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, but she then used it against me, saying that because I was neither in the wedding, nor actually part of the family (again, despite having been dating her then-fiance's brother for three years at that point), I was not allowed to attend the rehearsal dinner, or the pre-wedding "family only" brunch.]

It occurred to me, once she announced her pregnancy, that when our wedding happens, she will have a baby (judging by her due date it sounds like baby will be about 8/9 months old at the time of the wedding). I have been to a wedding before that was utterly ruined by babies screaming the entire time. No one else coming to the wedding has a child. I am not anti-children, but I'm acutely aware of the possibility of the baby not only "stealing the show", which future SIL seems to LOVE to do anyway, but also SIL being stubborn enough not to leave if the baby starts screaming in the middle of our vows, etc.

What hadn't occurred to me was that I might have a say in whether baby is allowed to attend the wedding. I just read through the "toddler at wedding" thread in the general parenting discussion section, and many posters said things like "are you sure it's okay with your SIL that the toddler attends the wedding..." And then I realized that maybe I have some say here. I know she'll be miffed, but it is my wedding, and she went so far as to exclude me from her rehearsal dinner and brunch, so I don't honestly feel that bad about it. Future SIL's parents, who are super active and also extremely excited about their first grandchild, live nearby and will not be attending the wedding, so I'm sure they could watch the baby.

So, can I tell SIL, as politely as possible, something like "I'm super excited to be an aunt, but we've planned a very small ceremony for adults only. We are thrilled to invite you and (fiance's brother) to our wedding, but hope you'll understand that we would prefer it if you left your little one at home so we can keep the focus on (fiancé) and I, just for our wedding." ?? Well, my wording is a bit clunky, but you get the idea. Can I ask that of her, or is such a request unreasonable?

1. You obviously don't like her. Your SIL is not a fool.
2. Your fiancé's sister was in the wedding - that's her husband's sister. Her SIL to be. Don't you think that's a little different than your fiancé's brother's girlfriend? Who doesn't even like you to begin with? The rehearsal dinner exclusion, okay, that was clueless and rude. But the wedding party?!?

Just say no kids and try to sort out your problems with your SIL. Don't view her pregnancy as an attack on you.

[Anonymous]

You are too immature and attention-seeking to be getting married. Grow up a bit and then try again.

[Anonymous]

Yes it's true that there are adults-only weddings. I've always found them a little cold, because to me a wedding is about family, not just a big special prom.

[Anonymous]

Please don't read too much into the timing of her pregnancy announcement. If you've never been pregnant, maybe you don't know that there really are only a few weeks in which it is reasonable to announce a pregnancy. Many of us like to wait until 12 weeks, when the danger of miscarriage decreases dramatically, but you can't wait much past 16-18 weeks because you may be showing by then.

In my case, we had to tell my husband's family a couple weeks earlier than I would have otherwise liked because we were scheduled to go to his sister's wedding when I was about 14-15 weeks. I didn't know if I could keep it a secret then, but I also didn't want to announce right amidst all the frenzy for her wedding, so we ended up telling my husband's parents and siblings at about 10 weeks (so that the excitement could pass and everyone could return to paying attention to the wedding).

But who knows if we succeeded. Maybe his sister thinks we "stole the spotlight" from her. She's a lovely person, so I doubt it, but my point remains: the timing on these announcements isn't as simple as you'd think, especially if there are sensitive feelings involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you really need to dial it back. Your wedding isn't for another 14 months, and you're already putting together the wording so you can stick it to your SIL. The more you plot and plan how you will get back at your SIL for excluding you from her wedding, the more it will blow up in your face. AND more importantly, it makes you look really petty.

Focus your energy on things like your dress, the reception and building your life together with your fiance.

So true. Your marriage is the beginning of a long life with your soon-to-be SIL. I cannot imagine why you are being so negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. By the way, I would not attend your wedding if nursing babies weren't allowed. Just a heads up since you're talking about an infant.

That's your prerogative, and the prerogative of the OP's SIL as well if she's breastfeeding at the time of the wedding. But there is the also the option to pump and store so someone else can feed the baby. Unless the wedding requires an overnight trip somewhere, there is no reason to have to take an infant to a wedding because of breastfeeding. That's a choice the mother is making (unless there's some condition where the chilid can't ever take a bottle). Just as the bride and groom have a choice to have an adults-only wedding and/or reception.

I also know a couple who attended a wedding with their infant but got a room in the hotel where the reception took place and dad would stay with the baby for a while, then go down to the reception while mom came up to feed the baby, and so on. Yeah, it was one of those looooong receptions. Grandma took a turn babysitting in the room too, so the mom and dad could have some time together. Just saying that this can work if people really want to be at the wedding.

To OP: If your future SIL wants to be at her brother's wedding for her brother's sake, she will make it work even if it's a no-kid wedding. If the SIL wants to play drama queen, she will be sure to ignore every possibility that would make it work, and to bray loudly to the world about how mean you are. I'd really be sure you and your new husband plan to live somewhere far from her and hers.