Spin-off from toddler at wedding thread: okay to request not to bring baby to wedding?

[Anonymous]

You know this is a lifetime relationship, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. By the way, I would not attend your wedding if nursing babies weren't allowed. Just a heads up since you're talking about an infant.

You can't pump for one night?

You know pumping's a lot harder, requires more equipment, and takes up more time than nursing a baby, yes?

I know. I nursed until 2 years and my matron of honor had a 5 week old at my wedding. She nursed, at a black tie wedding, no less.

But no. I never pumped unless nursing was absolutely not possible (work and business trips).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think its reasonable. But then Again I'm more than happy when 2 year old DS isn't invited to a wedding. I was pretty much thrilled when my SIL (DH's sister) pulled the adult ot card when she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I have a feeling I'm an outlier though

Nope- you aren't! If my parents lived next to the wedding venue we would ALL be thrilled with a night with grandma and grandpa! SIL might want a fun night at 8-9 months with her DH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you inviting them at all? Within 2 lines it's clear you don't like her.
Yes it is rude to say don't bring your newborn.

Why is her fiance inviting his brother and wife?! Are you nuts?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After four years together, I recently got engaged to a wonderful man, and our wedding is scheduled for July 2016. We are planning a very small ceremony and reception, with a total of only 24 guests, mostly family. My fiance's SIL (soon to be my SIL I suppose) just announced that she is pregnant (with her first), within weeks of us announcing our engagement. She has a history of "stealing the show" when it comes to family affairs, and also of excluding my fiancé and I from family related events that she organizes [for example: she often has parties, and will invite my fiance's sister and parents, who live three hours away, well in advance, but does not invite us until literally the last possible minute, and we often have to work nights, which she knows, and then are unable to attend, etc. At her wedding, last summer, she had several bridesmaids, one of which was my fiance's sister, but I was not included in the bridal party, despite knowing her for many years. Onviously it's her prerogative who gets to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, but she then used it against me, saying that because I was neither in the wedding, nor actually part of the family (again, despite having been dating her then-fiance's brother for three years at that point), I was not allowed to attend the rehearsal dinner, or the pre-wedding "family only" brunch.]

It occurred to me, once she announced her pregnancy, that when our wedding happens, she will have a baby (judging by her due date it sounds like baby will be about 8/9 months old at the time of the wedding). I have been to a wedding before that was utterly ruined by babies screaming the entire time. No one else coming to the wedding has a child. I am not anti-children, but I'm acutely aware of the possibility of the baby not only "stealing the show", which future SIL seems to LOVE to do anyway, but also SIL being stubborn enough not to leave if the baby starts screaming in the middle of our vows, etc.

What hadn't occurred to me was that I might have a say in whether baby is allowed to attend the wedding. I just read through the "toddler at wedding" thread in the general parenting discussion section, and many posters said things like "are you sure it's okay with your SIL that the toddler attends the wedding..." And then I realized that maybe I have some say here. I know she'll be miffed, but it is my wedding, and she went so far as to exclude me from her rehearsal dinner and brunch, so I don't honestly feel that bad about it. Future SIL's parents, who are super active and also extremely excited about their first grandchild, live nearby and will not be attending the wedding, so I'm sure they could watch the baby.

So, can I tell SIL, as politely as possible, something like "I'm super excited to be an aunt, but we've planned a very small ceremony for adults only. We are thrilled to invite you and (fiance's brother) to our wedding, but hope you'll understand that we would prefer it if you left your little one at home so we can keep the focus on (fiancé) and I, just for our wedding." ?? Well, my wording is a bit clunky, but you get the idea. Can I ask that of her, or is such a request unreasonable?

We did not invite children to our wedding that were not out of town people or relatives. We provided babysitting during the ceremony for toddlers and below (there were two). Our ceremony was at a winery in Virginia and the reception was there too. It was great to have the toddlers at the reception and everyone was happy to see them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We did not invite children to our wedding that were not out of town people or relatives. We provided babysitting during the ceremony for toddlers and below (there were two). Our ceremony was at a winery in Virginia and the reception was there too. It was great to have the toddlers at the reception and everyone was happy to see them too.

Also, I had a 6 week old at my sister's wedding and we had a babysitter at the hotel where the reception was. Both DH and I were in the wedding. The babysitter took care of my baby during the ceremony and through most of the reception. We brought DC down at the end of the reception to introduce him. Everyone was happy.

[Anonymous]

I am an event planner and a co owner of a small catering company. I think it is perfectly reasonable to have no children/babies at your wedding.

SIL sounds like she is a little bratty and may have a problem with you. Do not talk to anyone in your DH's family about your feelings towards SIL. You cannot trust them to not tell SIL and blow it up into a big scene. Remember, these are the same inlaws who are totally ok with attending her parties that purposefully exclude your DH, their child. I am willing to bet your DH is not the favorite son. Keep her at arm's length and always be polite but never attempt to get too close to this woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an event planner and a co owner of a small catering company. I think it is perfectly reasonable to have no children/babies at your wedding.

SIL sounds like she is a little bratty and may have a problem with you. Do not talk to anyone in your DH's family about your feelings towards SIL. You cannot trust them to not tell SIL and blow it up into a big scene. Remember, these are the same inlaws who are totally ok with attending her parties that purposefully exclude your DH, their child. I am willing to bet your DH is not the favorite son. Keep her at arm's length and always be polite but never attempt to get too close to this woman.

LOL. Don't listen to people who make money off weddings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an event planner and a co owner of a small catering company. I think it is perfectly reasonable to have no children/babies at your wedding.

SIL sounds like she is a little bratty and may have a problem with you. Do not talk to anyone in your DH's family about your feelings towards SIL. You cannot trust them to not tell SIL and blow it up into a big scene. Remember, these are the same inlaws who are totally ok with attending her parties that purposefully exclude your DH, their child. I am willing to bet your DH is not the favorite son. Keep her at arm's length and always be polite but never attempt to get too close to this woman.

+10000

BTDT - this woman nailed it. If SIL is a bratty PITA now, just you wait, OP. The more you give, the more she will take - at any expense.

If you have warm, caring, inclusive, pleasant, non-depressed SILs, be grateful. Not all of us are that lucky.

[Anonymous]

Why are you dragging out the engagement so long? Just make an appt at the court house, tell everyone the night before like your sil does to you and have a small wedding without kids. Done. You can have a nice reception later in the week or month or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know this is a lifetime relationship, right?

Exactly. Which is why you should be respectful of the bride's wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an event planner and a co owner of a small catering company. I think it is perfectly reasonable to have no children/babies at your wedding.

SIL sounds like she is a little bratty and may have a problem with you. Do not talk to anyone in your DH's family about your feelings towards SIL. You cannot trust them to not tell SIL and blow it up into a big scene. Remember, these are the same inlaws who are totally ok with attending her parties that purposefully exclude your DH, their child. I am willing to bet your DH is not the favorite son. Keep her at arm's length and always be polite but never attempt to get too close to this woman.

LOL. Don't listen to people who make money off weddings.

Fool, she sees a lot of weddings. She has experience. Unlike you. I would bet you are the selfish, self centered SIL who whines when she doesn't get her way.

[Anonymous]

It is fine to have an adults-only wedding. Kind to offer to help find a babysitter for anyone that needs it if that's feasible.

But OP, I think you need to check yourself about your attitude towards this family member. The original post suggests that you feel like she was trying to steal the spotlight by announcing her pregnancy soon after you announced your engagement. That is pretty, hate the word, but bridezilla-ish. Yes maybe she does other bitchy stuff like the last minute party invitation example you gave. But you've got to be bigger than that and not act all desperate like you feel threatened that she will upstage you at your wedding. Otherwise her family/your new family is going to think you are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you inviting them at all? Within 2 lines it's clear you don't like her.
Yes it is rude to say don't bring your newborn.

Why is her fiance inviting his brother and wife?! Are you nuts?!

[/b]Within 2 lines it's clear you don't like her.[b]

[Anonymous]

(1) It's called a child free wedding. Yes, it is a thing and you wouldn't be inventing it - you're free to choose that for yourself. Some people will be annoyed, but I found with weddings, you really can't please anyone, so just please yourself & your spouse without out & out disrespecting others. But, you achieve this by mentioning "child free" on the invitation, not individually to specific people whose specific children you do not want in attendance. Do not approach your SIL about this. Just announce that it is a child free wedding.

(2) Your list of grievances seem unfair to me. You took offense at not being "family" when you were just the girlfriend. You were not yet family. Now that you are engaged, you are family-to-be and thus should be included going forward, but to take offense that your SIL did not make her brother's girlfriend a bridesmaid is just reading too much into things, IMO. Being invited last minute to things - it's careless but it's not malicious. When dealing with ILs, it's helpful to not attribute malice when all you know is that they forgot to consider something that would be important to you; that's not the same as plotting to hurt you. Things are much less dramatic when you don't assume to know some one's intentions.