Any success stories come out of affairs?

[Anonymous]

My father cheated.

I despise him.

Haven't talked to him for decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing is, you may never fully know what your children think. I basically lost all respect for my mom after she humiliated my father and embarrassed our family by cheating with our neighbor. Twenty years later, she's still with him, and I think she's pathetic and he's a loser. I really resent her dragging our family into this messy, embarrassing situation. But I pretend that I don't mind because it's easier for me that way. But we aren't as close as we could be. She may never be willing to admit to herself that her cheating had any negative consequences, but it has.

Only cheat if you're willing to lose the respect of your children, permanently.

I don't know the back story. But honestly? You sound really angry. I hope for your sake that you can mature a bit, realize that everybody makes mistakes in life, and that not everything revolves around you. Have you ever talked to your mom about what happened? Like a real, mature discussion? What led to her decision? I am not condoning her behavior, but I think you could probably benefit from some sort of closure.

You sound awfully immature and judgmental, "honestly". I don't think everything revolves around me, and you have no justification to make that accusation. The point I'm trying to make is that people do not always know how others truly feel.

I wish my mother saw her affair as a decision, if not a mistake. Instead she sees it as something that happened to her, rather than a choice she made. She tries to blame my father entirely, and although he certainly was a jerk to her, it's not as if he could have compelled her to have an affair if she didn't want to-- with a married man no less! We've never been able to have real discussion about it because she doesn't accept accountability for her actions. Nor is she willing to admit that her relationship with her AP is fundamentally messed up and always has been. So I choose to keep the peace. The underlying problem, of course, is that she's insane. Understanding that she has some fundamental problems in her grasp of reality has brought me some measure of peace. She would probably describe herself as the kind of success story that the OP asked about, but she can only feel that way if she turns a blind eye to a lot of problems.

So you would have preferred if she'd stayed married to your father, who was a jerk to her? Maintain the facade of a loveless marriage until you were 18 and then divorced? When did you start thinking she was insane?

No, I would have preferred that she divorce my father before sleeping with the other guy. And ideally wait until her AP was already divorced, but I guess that's a lot to ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Your perspective is very interesting.

I am about to seek a divorce from my DW and I hope to wind up with my AP. I wish that I could have a conversation with my oldest to give them the real reasons for actions but I can't... They are too young. I am in a very lonely marriage and it is not appropriate to discuss a sexless and affection less marriage with them. They are still my child.

Well, have you considered keeping your pants on until you divorce? I know it sounds crazy...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Your perspective is very interesting.

I am about to seek a divorce from my DW and I hope to wind up with my AP. I wish that I could have a conversation with my oldest to give them the real reasons for actions but I can't... They are too young. I am in a very lonely marriage and it is not appropriate to discuss a sexless and affection less marriage with them. They are still my child.

Well, have you considered keeping your pants on until you divorce? I know it sounds crazy...

+1 to keeping your pants on. Seriously, nobody really needs to have an affair. It may seem that way to you, and I'm sorry your marriage is unhappy (although maybe it would be happier if you stopped cheating), but don't expect others to be persuaded by your rationalizations.

Knowing that your parent is capable of long-term deceit and betrayal is a very upsetting thing for a child, even an adult child, and can fundamentally alter the parent-child relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Your perspective is very interesting.

I am about to seek a divorce from my DW and I hope to wind up with my AP. I wish that I could have a conversation with my oldest to give them the real reasons for actions but I can't... They are too young. I am in a very lonely marriage and it is not appropriate to discuss a sexless and affection less marriage with them. They are still my child.

Well, have you considered keeping your pants on until you divorce? I know it sounds crazy...

+1 to keeping your pants on. Seriously, nobody really needs to have an affair. It may seem that way to you, and I'm sorry your marriage is unhappy (although maybe it would be happier if you stopped cheating), but don't expect others to be persuaded by your rationalizations.

Knowing that your parent is capable of long-term deceit and betrayal is a very upsetting thing for a child, even an adult child, and can fundamentally alter the parent-child relationship.

Parents fuck up in so many ways. Cheating, staying with a toxic partner, addiction, etc etc. Guess what? Our parents are human beings! They make mistakes. They sometimes put their needs first. At some point, we as children realize that our parents are fallible. But also at some point we have to grow up, try to empathize with what went wrong, and try to forgive. Extreme cases such as any type of child abuse and neglect are unforgivable. But the other stuff? Come on. Grow up and move on and try to be the best you can be...and have some compassion.

[Anonymous]

I think people use affairs as excuses for a lot of things. Leaving sla bad marriage. Hating a parent. Whatever. I wonder how many of these supposedly dysfunctional marriages that began as affairs would be exactly the same without that origin story. Like, the PPs who despise their parents for cheating, would you guys have the same amount of contempt and disappointment for family members who harmed the family in other ways (alcoholism, abuse, a dimple lack of warmth and affection)?

My mom had an affair when I was a kid. She and my dad didn't get divorced until several years later and I didn't learn about the affair itself until I was an adult. That information didn't changed feelings about either of my parents. If my mom hadn't cheated, they still would've been unhappily married. Learning about the affair clarified my father's anger and also the degree to which my mom put up with it during their divorce, but that was about it.

I think that it's hard for a lot of people to view affairs as relationships in their own right. Complicated, yes. Deceitful, yes. But relationships with their own dysfunctions.

[Anonymous]

Wow, that's really rich, the people trying to minimize the impact of affairs on children. Sure, adult children should realize their parents are human. But an affair, divorce, and quick remarriage is devastating for a child. I totally understand why that might be unforgiveable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, that's really rich, the people trying to minimize the impact of affairs on children. Sure, adult children should realize their parents are human. But an affair, divorce, and quick remarriage is devastating for a child. I totally understand why that might be unforgiveable.

You know what else is unhealthy? Being that angry for 20 years. Obviously having an affair is not ideal for anyone, but the PPs who remain furious with their parents decades later should probably seek therapy for these issues so they can move on themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Parents fuck up in so many ways. Cheating, staying with a toxic partner, addiction, etc etc. Guess what? Our parents are human beings! They make mistakes. They sometimes put their needs first. At some point, we as children realize that our parents are fallible. But also at some point we have to grow up, try to empathize with what went wrong, and try to forgive. Extreme cases such as any type of child abuse and neglect are unforgivable. But the other stuff? Come on. Grow up and move on and try to be the best you can be...and have some compassion.

Excuses, excuses. Don't expect any sympathy when your AP cheats on you, after you've dragged your family through decades of messy post-infidelity fallout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, that's really rich, the people trying to minimize the impact of affairs on children. Sure, adult children should realize their parents are human. But an affair, divorce, and quick remarriage is devastating for a child. I totally understand why that might be unforgiveable.

You know what else is unhealthy? Being that angry for 20 years. Obviously having an affair is not ideal for anyone, but the PPs who remain furious with their parents decades later should probably seek therapy for these issues so they can move on themselves.

How naive you are. If an affair becomes a long-term partnership, it isn't "decades later". My mother's affair is still negatively affecting our family now. She's still fighting with my dad about how to foist him into our family as if he's not a sleazeball. She brought him un-invited to my wedding, for fuck's sake. She went behind my back and told my child to call him "Grandpa". It's not in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, that's really rich, the people trying to minimize the impact of affairs on children. Sure, adult children should realize their parents are human. But an affair, divorce, and quick remarriage is devastating for a child. I totally understand why that might be unforgiveable.

You know what else is unhealthy? Being that angry for 20 years. Obviously having an affair is not ideal for anyone, but the PPs who remain furious with their parents decades later should probably seek therapy for these issues so they can move on themselves.

How naive you are. If an affair becomes a long-term partnership, it isn't "decades later". My mother's affair is still negatively affecting our family now. She's still fighting with my dad about how to foist him into our family as if he's not a sleazeball. She brought him un-invited to my wedding, for fuck's sake. She went behind my back and told my child to call him "Grandpa". It's not in the past.

Then you should definitely seek therapy to get some professional help in dealing with your incredibly dysfunctional family. It sounds like the affair is actually the least of your problems and more a symptom of your mom's obvious personality disorder than the thing that started the problem.

I say this as a person whose parent did have an affair, and a messy, nasty divorce, and who are still incapable of being in the same room for anything. They both came to my wedding, but there were no "bride's family" pictures because my parents flat out refused to pose for pictures together. I am not angry and bitter about this years later and have good relationships with both of my parents, including the one who had an affair. It does not always work the way it worked for you. Some people are able to put it behind them. I'm sorry that you're not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, that's really rich, the people trying to minimize the impact of affairs on children. Sure, adult children should realize their parents are human. But an affair, divorce, and quick remarriage is devastating for a child. I totally understand why that might be unforgiveable.

You know what else is rich? When a parent stays with a toxic spouse. My dad is untreated manic depressive. He was an emotional bully. He didn't speak to me for two years during high school because I said something that upset him. I wished that either my parents would get divorced or my dad would drop dead. Neither happened. I left home at 17 and never looked back. I am now 42 and understand that my parents made lots of mistakes, that I have a very skewed view of male/female relationships and a host of other issues. But I have learned to grow up, have some sort of relationship with both parents, move on, and have some fucking compassion that I hope I can pass on to my own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, that's really rich, the people trying to minimize the impact of affairs on children. Sure, adult children should realize their parents are human. But an affair, divorce, and quick remarriage is devastating for a child. I totally understand why that might be unforgiveable.

You know what else is unhealthy? Being that angry for 20 years. Obviously having an affair is not ideal for anyone, but the PPs who remain furious with their parents decades later should probably seek therapy for these issues so they can move on themselves.

Fuck off. It is never NOT going to be true that my father abused my mother and abandoned his children. He is not even sorry about it. He behaved unforgivably and does not want, or deserve, forgiveness.

"Don't worry, if you have an affair someday your kids will get therapy and move on with their lives" is an absolutely idiotic and immoral philosophy.

[Anonymous]

Nobody's asking anyone to stay in a miserable marriage. Just get divorced. Have a little integrity. Don't expect that you can lie, sneak around, and have it both ways without making anyone think less of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, that's really rich, the people trying to minimize the impact of affairs on children. Sure, adult children should realize their parents are human. But an affair, divorce, and quick remarriage is devastating for a child. I totally understand why that might be unforgiveable.

You know what else is unhealthy? Being that angry for 20 years. Obviously having an affair is not ideal for anyone, but the PPs who remain furious with their parents decades later should probably seek therapy for these issues so they can move on themselves.

Fuck off. It is never NOT going to be true that my father abused my mother and abandoned his children. He is not even sorry about it. He behaved unforgivably and does not want, or deserve, forgiveness.

"Don't worry, if you have an affair someday your kids will get therapy and move on with their lives" is an absolutely idiotic and immoral philosophy.

+1. It's not like the passage of time magically transforms a cheating parent into an honest and trustworthy one. Feel free to treat people badly, because they'll spend thousands of dollars on therapy and that will make it all just fine.