Any success stories come out of affairs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman.

They were married to others and had an affair with each other?

He was married and cheated on his wife with Joanne. They married and he cheated on joanne with his mistress of 15 years who eventually stopped seeing him due to his alcoholism. He had a really bad drinking problem. I think there are other celeb success stories but this is not one of them.

[Anonymous]

Typically, at least one affair partner tends to have an avoidant personality. They will retreat into themselves when their emotions get too complicated, or the conflict flares up after real life kicks in- around 3 years into the relationship. So, often things appear great with the reboot, until the old pattern kicks in again.

If they don't have another affair, there is potential for a retreat coping mechanism to kick in: drinking, immersing in a "healthy" hobby/sport, taking a travel/sales job- anything that removes you from your partner so you can avoid being truly intimate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married my AP 14 years ago. I was married, he was not. Not great first marriage (clearly), but XH and I get along better now than when we were married. Two kids by XH, incredibly well-adjusted, productive members of society, two more kids with 2nd husband.
XH and I have always made a very concentrated effort to put our kids first, we are able to sit together at sporting events, graduations, etc---people are surprised to learn that we are divorced. He comes to my extended family functions, I went to the funeral of his father.

[b]

Does he know you cheated on him? Curious

[Anonymous]

DH and I srd a success story OP. Happily married 4 years after - much better at communication and I wouldn't say "happier" than before but definitely more authentic, which has it's own rewards.

Good luck with this, time heals a lot - communication and owning you'd own faults and contributions are really helpful. I have a much better world view and an fever ally more forgiving of everyone now: kids, family, friends. I think a lot is dependent on how he owns up to this, if he's truly remorseful and wants to do the work, it's worth a shot - especially if kids are involved.

Peace be with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is married to her AP. They've been married for 20+ years, are not financially ruined, and for all intents and purposes, their marriage looks like any other long-time marriage.

Us kids are not complete fuck ups (we all have good jobs, do interesting things, and are otherwise functional members of society), but I do think we all struggle with knowing how to act in our own relationships, having not had good role models growing up. I know I have guilt, shame, self-esteem, and commitment issues as well, but I try to keep those hidden.

Holidays are hard. They are made harder by the fact that my dad is single, and I feel guilty if he is alone. Sometimes we do the holidays as one big family, but I feel awkward that my dad has to spend Christmas with his ex-wife's AP and his kids (and grandkids), just so that my dad can see his own children and grandchildren.

So I guess, yes, my mom and stepdad had a successful affair, but not without consequences.

This sounds just like my DH's family. The two annoying things for me are:
- cheating MIL makes a big fuss when her ex is present at events (get the F over it!)
- cheating MIL pretends like the cheating didn't happen before they were separated. FIL hired a PI before they separated and has proof so I don't know why she denies it.

DH and siblings all have had f'ed up relationships.

[Anonymous]

The thing is, you may never fully know what your children think. I basically lost all respect for my mom after she humiliated my father and embarrassed our family by cheating with our neighbor. Twenty years later, she's still with him, and I think she's pathetic and he's a loser. I really resent her dragging our family into this messy, embarrassing situation. But I pretend that I don't mind because it's easier for me that way. But we aren't as close as we could be. She may never be willing to admit to herself that her cheating had any negative consequences, but it has.

Only cheat if you're willing to lose the respect of your children, permanently.

[Anonymous]

I know people who are totally in denial at the wreckage they caused. You could call that "success", I guess. I know far more who have to live with the guilt, regret, and interpersonal consequences for the rest of their lives, and it's hard for them even though their affair-based marriage is itself happy enough.

I don't know anyone who wouldn't be at least as happy if not more if they had broken it off, gotten divorced, and then begun dating again in a more honorable manner. If it's really true love, the relationship will survive both of you doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing is, you may never fully know what your children think. I basically lost all respect for my mom after she humiliated my father and embarrassed our family by cheating with our neighbor. Twenty years later, she's still with him, and I think she's pathetic and he's a loser. I really resent her dragging our family into this messy, embarrassing situation. But I pretend that I don't mind because it's easier for me that way. But we aren't as close as we could be. She may never be willing to admit to herself that her cheating had any negative consequences, but it has.

Only cheat if you're willing to lose the respect of your children, permanently.

I don't know the back story. But honestly? You sound really angry. I hope for your sake that you can mature a bit, realize that everybody makes mistakes in life, and that not everything revolves around you. Have you ever talked to your mom about what happened? Like a real, mature discussion? What led to her decision? I am not condoning her behavior, but I think you could probably benefit from some sort of closure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing is, you may never fully know what your children think. I basically lost all respect for my mom after she humiliated my father and embarrassed our family by cheating with our neighbor. Twenty years later, she's still with him, and I think she's pathetic and he's a loser. I really resent her dragging our family into this messy, embarrassing situation. But I pretend that I don't mind because it's easier for me that way. But we aren't as close as we could be. She may never be willing to admit to herself that her cheating had any negative consequences, but it has.

Only cheat if you're willing to lose the respect of your children, permanently.

I don't know the back story. But honestly? You sound really angry. I hope for your sake that you can mature a bit, realize that everybody makes mistakes in life, and that not everything revolves around you. Have you ever talked to your mom about what happened? Like a real, mature discussion? What led to her decision? I am not condoning her behavior, but I think you could probably benefit from some sort of closure.

You sound awfully immature and judgmental, "honestly". I don't think everything revolves around me, and you have no justification to make that accusation. The point I'm trying to make is that people do not always know how others truly feel.

I wish my mother saw her affair as a decision, if not a mistake. Instead she sees it as something that happened to her, rather than a choice she made. She tries to blame my father entirely, and although he certainly was a jerk to her, it's not as if he could have compelled her to have an affair if she didn't want to-- with a married man no less! We've never been able to have real discussion about it because she doesn't accept accountability for her actions. Nor is she willing to admit that her relationship with her AP is fundamentally messed up and always has been. So I choose to keep the peace. The underlying problem, of course, is that she's insane. Understanding that she has some fundamental problems in her grasp of reality has brought me some measure of peace. She would probably describe herself as the kind of success story that the OP asked about, but she can only feel that way if she turns a blind eye to a lot of problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman.

They were married to others and had an affair with each other?

He was married and cheated on his wife with Joanne. They married and he cheated on joanne with his mistress of 15 years who eventually stopped seeing him due to his alcoholism. He had a really bad drinking problem. I think there are other celeb success stories but this is not one of them.

Paul Newman must have been a very high functioning alcoholic. I love his Newman's Own salad dressings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing is, you may never fully know what your children think. I basically lost all respect for my mom after she humiliated my father and embarrassed our family by cheating with our neighbor. Twenty years later, she's still with him, and I think she's pathetic and he's a loser. I really resent her dragging our family into this messy, embarrassing situation. But I pretend that I don't mind because it's easier for me that way. But we aren't as close as we could be. She may never be willing to admit to herself that her cheating had any negative consequences, but it has.

Only cheat if you're willing to lose the respect of your children, permanently.

I don't know the back story. But honestly? You sound really angry. I hope for your sake that you can mature a bit, realize that everybody makes mistakes in life, and that not everything revolves around you. Have you ever talked to your mom about what happened? Like a real, mature discussion? What led to her decision? I am not condoning her behavior, but I think you could probably benefit from some sort of closure.

You sound awfully immature and judgmental, "honestly". I don't think everything revolves around me, and you have no justification to make that accusation. The point I'm trying to make is that people do not always know how others truly feel.

I wish my mother saw her affair as a decision, if not a mistake. Instead she sees it as something that happened to her, rather than a choice she made. She tries to blame my father entirely, and although he certainly was a jerk to her, it's not as if he could have compelled her to have an affair if she didn't want to-- with a married man no less! We've never been able to have real discussion about it because she doesn't accept accountability for her actions. Nor is she willing to admit that her relationship with her AP is fundamentally messed up and always has been. So I choose to keep the peace. The underlying problem, of course, is that she's insane. Understanding that she has some fundamental problems in her grasp of reality has brought me some measure of peace. She would probably describe herself as the kind of success story that the OP asked about, but she can only feel that way if she turns a blind eye to a lot of problems.

So you would have preferred if she'd stayed married to your father, who was a jerk to her? Maintain the facade of a loveless marriage until you were 18 and then divorced? When did you start thinking she was insane?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman.

They were married to others and had an affair with each other?

He was married and cheated on his wife with Joanne. They married and he cheated on joanne with his mistress of 15 years who eventually stopped seeing him due to his alcoholism. He had a really bad drinking problem. I think there are other celeb success stories but this is not one of them.

Paul Newman must have been a very high functioning alcoholic. I love his Newman's Own salad dressings.

I prefer to make my own dressings, but really like his salsa.

No, he wasn't high functioning. His mistress broke it off because he couldn't get it up - you can look it up.

As for Newman's Own - there are a lot of people behind celeb companies. I'm betting you realize Jessica Simpson doesn't really design clothes or do the books

[Anonymous]

I consider my story a success of sorts. AP and I broke up as soon as ex-dh found out. Ex-dh was an abusive, drug-addicted ass hole. His behavior was abusive and scary before, but escalated so severely in light of the affair that I finally got the balls to leave him. I'm thankful everyday that I am not still tied to that man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing is, you may never fully know what your children think. I basically lost all respect for my mom after she humiliated my father and embarrassed our family by cheating with our neighbor. Twenty years later, she's still with him, and I think she's pathetic and he's a loser. I really resent her dragging our family into this messy, embarrassing situation. But I pretend that I don't mind because it's easier for me that way. But we aren't as close as we could be. She may never be willing to admit to herself that her cheating had any negative consequences, but it has.

Only cheat if you're willing to lose the respect of your children, permanently.

I don't know the back story. But honestly? You sound really angry. I hope for your sake that you can mature a bit, realize that everybody makes mistakes in life, and that not everything revolves around you. Have you ever talked to your mom about what happened? Like a real, mature discussion? What led to her decision? I am not condoning her behavior, but I think you could probably benefit from some sort of closure.

You sound awfully immature and judgmental, "honestly". I don't think everything revolves around me, and you have no justification to make that accusation. The point I'm trying to make is that people do not always know how others truly feel.

I wish my mother saw her affair as a decision, if not a mistake. Instead she sees it as something that happened to her, rather than a choice she made. She tries to blame my father entirely, and although he certainly was a jerk to her, it's not as if he could have compelled her to have an affair if she didn't want to-- with a married man no less! We've never been able to have real discussion about it because she doesn't accept accountability for her actions. Nor is she willing to admit that her relationship with her AP is fundamentally messed up and always has been. So I choose to keep the peace. The underlying problem, of course, is that she's insane. Understanding that she has some fundamental problems in her grasp of reality has brought me some measure of peace. She would probably describe herself as the kind of success story that the OP asked about, but she can only feel that way if she turns a blind eye to a lot of problems.

Your perspective is very interesting.

I am about to seek a divorce from my DW and I hope to wind up with my AP. I wish that I could have a conversation with my oldest to give them the real reasons for actions but I can't... They are too young. I am in a very lonely marriage and it is not appropriate to discuss a sexless and affection less marriage with them. They are still my child.

[Anonymous]

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?