Making time for kids? Study says quality trumps quantity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been saying for 7 year that staying home was for ME. It was I wanted to do. I wanted (and still want) that time with my kids, and I fortunately had a husband and financial situation supportive of that. I do not think my children would have been harmed by going to (the right) daycare, but I would have been heartbroken. And there are obvious side benefits to my husband, such as he does very few errands (which he hates and I don't mind) and he doesn't have to sick days or pick ups, etc.

Not all (not even many) SAHP families think less of 2 working parent families or feel bad for the kids or think their own kids are better off.
I think I am personally less stressed.

Thank you for your honesty. I can definitely see the appeal of having a SAHP and how it makes life easier for families in many regard. I think it's great you are able to do what works for your family without making comments about how working parents are "having someone else raise their children" or are "missing out on the formative years" in order to justify your choice to SAH. I'm a working mom and I have no animosity toward women who make other choices than me, but if drives me nuts when women like to tear down my need to work to support my family with comments about how working moms clearly don't care about their children, etc.

[Anonymous]

If someone wants to think I am screwing my children by working, please do me a favor and take it one step further. Assume I am so deluded I don't even realize there is a problem. That's less annoying that being told I feel guilty and that I am constantly trying to justify myself.

I don't feel guilty. Pity me if you must.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So my kids hit the jackpot because they have an MBA mom who stays home and lawyer dad who makes a ton, and we all eat dinner together? Nah, they are just average kids with average parents just doing their best like everyone else.

Yes, they did. They may be average kids but they are lucky enough to be growing up in very priviliged circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone wants to think I am screwing my children by working, please do me a favor and take it one step further. Assume I am so deluded I don't even realize there is a problem. That's less annoying that being told I feel guilty and that I am constantly trying to justify myself.

I don't feel guilty. Pity me if you must.

Agreed, and thanks for saying that.

I guess I don't HAVE to work--we could get by on my husband's salary--but I WANT to work. I don't feel guilty about it and was never heartbroken about taking my kids to day care. People that have a hard time understanding that--just think about pretty much every man you know. That's how I feel--I go to work, and I have kids that I love, and there's not much more to it. Easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work. I also spend a lot of time with my kids. I haven't read the study in detail but I will say that I think many SAHMs believe there is a great value to hours 4+ with their kids during the day and I don't believe it. I am close to my kids, know them well, and they are happy and secure based on my spending around 4 hours a weekday focused on them, their father spending 2-4 hours, and their loving nanny/teachers the rest of the time.

If you've only ever stayed at home I can see how easy it would be to think that the next 4 hours after the first 4 make a big difference but having seen it from my side, I just don't think it does.

I completely agree. And to go a step further, I think they are enormously positively influenced by the other caregivers in their lives. I think the study is a step in the right direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone wants to think I am screwing my children by working, please do me a favor and take it one step further. Assume I am so deluded I don't even realize there is a problem. That's less annoying that being told I feel guilty and that I am constantly trying to justify myself.

I don't feel guilty. Pity me if you must.

Agreed, and thanks for saying that.

I guess I don't HAVE to work--we could get by on my husband's salary--but I WANT to work. I don't feel guilty about it and was never heartbroken about taking my kids to day care. People that have a hard time understanding that--just think about pretty much every man you know. That's how I feel--I go to work, and I have kids that I love, and there's not much more to it. Easy.

THIS.
There was a woman in the other thread was essentially asked – if a dad gets home on the early side, spends a ton of time with his kids and is very involved in their lives, is he a great dad? And why is a woman in the same situation not a great mom? There was no answer.

[Anonymous]

Well, I just left a job and am now spending significant time at home for the first time in years. Here are the differences I see with "quantity time": I am not snapping at the kids anymore to get ready faster, I am not arguing with my older child about taking so long with his math homework, we are not eating takeout as much, the kids are getting to play informally with neighborhood friends, the house is clean, and I am volunteering.

At the same time, I am concerned about what my next step in the workforce might be, and am I vaguely aware of trying to spend less money, though we are doing fine on one salary. There is no right or wrong, only trade-offs. But in my particular situation (long hours, low pay, hated my job) it was the right call. At no point in my decision making did I think, as the original article implied, that my choice was going to affect my children's outcomes in the long term. And it was also not about guilt. It was a practical decision for a specific current situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone wants to think I am screwing my children by working, please do me a favor and take it one step further. Assume I am so deluded I don't even realize there is a problem. That's less annoying that being told I feel guilty and that I am constantly trying to justify myself.

I don't feel guilty. Pity me if you must.

Agreed, and thanks for saying that.

I guess I don't HAVE to work--we could get by on my husband's salary--but I WANT to work. I don't feel guilty about it and was never heartbroken about taking my kids to day care. People that have a hard time understanding that--just think about pretty much every man you know. That's how I feel--I go to work, and I have kids that I love, and there's not much more to it. Easy.

THIS.
There was a woman in the other thread was essentially asked – if a dad gets home on the early side, spends a ton of time with his kids and is very involved in their lives, is he a great dad? And why is a woman in the same situation not a great mom? There was no answer.

I will tell you.
As long as the kids have a competent, loving, and stable primary caregiver (from birth to at least age three,) it doesn't much matter who the caregiver is.

[Anonymous]

My concern has never been the quality and quantity of time I spend with my kids. My concern is the quality and quantity of time they spend with others. Am I going to warehouse my children 10 hours a day so that they can spend 2 hours in a luxurious home with me? Am I going to drop them off to a middle class daycare in a home where I would not be comfortable for 10 minutes?

It's such a small amount of time to sacrifice to raise your children to school age. What good is your career satisfaction if your kid is being warehoused by people who do not love them during the most formative years of their lives? I didn't love being a SAHM, but I loved my children and I made that sacrifice for them. Sometimes you have to do things that aren't your very first choice in the world, but you do them because they're right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, it says income and mothers educational level are the most important factors in their longitudinal study, that trumps both quality and quantity

It's embedded in the article, since it's not as interesting as your take-home message

Thanks for sharing

So my kids hit the jackpot because they have an MBA mom who stays home and lawyer dad who makes a ton, and we all eat dinner together? Nah, they are just average kids with average parents just doing their best like everyone else.

You live in a very isolated world if you think that is true. Of course they hit the jackpot. On the other hand, they are growing up in a family that has absolutely no frame of reference about the rest of the world, so that puts them at a significant disadvantage. So the end result is probably the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My concern has never been the quality and quantity of time I spend with my kids. My concern is the quality and quantity of time they spend with others. Am I going to warehouse my children 10 hours a day so that they can spend 2 hours in a luxurious home with me? Am I going to drop them off to a middle class daycare in a home where I would not be comfortable for 10 minutes?

It's such a small amount of time to sacrifice to raise your children to school age. What good is your career satisfaction if your kid is being warehoused by people who do not love them during the most formative years of their lives? I didn't love being a SAHM, but I loved my children and I made that sacrifice for them. Sometimes you have to do things that aren't your very first choice in the world, but you do them because they're right.

How do you stand talking to the WOHMs you know? They've chosen such a small thing over a larger, grander love. They must make you sick to your stomach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My concern has never been the quality and quantity of time I spend with my kids. My concern is the quality and quantity of time they spend with others. Am I going to warehouse my children 10 hours a day so that they can spend 2 hours in a luxurious home with me? Am I going to drop them off to a middle class daycare in a home where I would not be comfortable for 10 minutes?

It's such a small amount of time to sacrifice to raise your children to school age. What good is your career satisfaction if your kid is being warehoused by people who do not love them during the most formative years of their lives? I didn't love being a SAHM, but I loved my children and I made that sacrifice for them. Sometimes you have to do things that aren't your very first choice in the world, but you do them because they're right.

I also feel bad for the kids who are "warehoused." Fortunately for me and all of the other working parents I know, our kids were not "warehoused." They were cared for by competent caregivers: nannies, grandparents, high-quality day care centers, etc.

My kids are out of day care now and they are developmentally the same as the kids who had SAHP. You wouldn't be able to tell that they were in day care in their early years.

[Anonymous]

"This study has nothing to do with the way children perceive their childhood, with how close they feel to their parents, with how safe and well taken care of they felt during their childhood, with what kinds of emotional and social problems they might have experienced with little parent time, etc. etc...and those are all the actually important things when it comes to "Did I raise my children well?" Sad."

That was my thought, and I'm a working mom. But I'm still okay with working - I agree with the PP who works but still has numerous quality hours with her kids every day, as does her DH. It's not work vs. SAH. Big difference between working 9-5, with a 15 minute commute (or working from home) and working 9-6:30 plus two hours of commuting time. Big difference between coming home from work and paying attention to your kids, and coming home and checking out, or coming home and being stressed until their bedtime because you have to get back on-line to work more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My concern has never been the quality and quantity of time I spend with my kids. My concern is the quality and quantity of time they spend with others. Am I going to warehouse my children 10 hours a day so that they can spend 2 hours in a luxurious home with me? Am I going to drop them off to a middle class daycare in a home where I would not be comfortable for 10 minutes?

It's such a small amount of time to sacrifice to raise your children to school age. What good is your career satisfaction if your kid is being warehoused by people who do not love them during the most formative years of their lives? I didn't love being a SAHM, but I loved my children and I made that sacrifice for them. Sometimes you have to do things that aren't your very first choice in the world, but you do them because they're right.

Methinks you need to read the study.

[Anonymous]

Do I wish my kid could be in preschool for 4 hrs a day instead of 8-9? Yes. Do I wish I could have had a year maternity leave? Yes. Do I wish I was independently wealthy and did not have to protect my earning capacity? Yes. Don't we all?