Parents buying out my brothers x wife from the house

[Anonymous]

OP, you have every right to be annoyed and hurt. Those who are giving you a really hard time have probably not seen how treating siblings equally when it comes to money can really drive a wedge in families (even families who do not have a dysfunctional history).

I think you have to just try to move forward. Focus on the things you are thankful for and endeavor to do better by your own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they have kids? Perhaps neither your brother nor his ex can afford the house on their own, and your parents are helping to give their grandchildren more stability by letting them stay in their home post-divorce. You would really begrudge kids that just because you didn't get a cut?

Do you really think that bailing out the family in this way is going to promote healthy relationships? I guess it shows the kids that mommy and daddy and going to bail you out forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1641, I agree with you in principle, but as adults, we all really need to understand that "fairness" and equity are fluid things. The money that OPs brother is getting may not have been available as liquid assets for the parents to share a year ago, ten years ago, or whatever. OP does not know the full circumstance of this money ie. if it's a loan, if the parents will actually own the house, etc. She's making assumptions based on her own interpretation of the situation and her own measuring stick of fair (which seems to be purely about money).

Let me give you a different example. I grew up with an alcoholic mother in an abusive home. My brothers were born when I was a teenager. I raised them until they were young children (due to my mother'so incompetence to do so). I left home very young and forged out on my own.

Shortly after I left, my mother met another man, stopped drinking, and cleaned up her act. My brothers ended up, by all accounts, having a fairly stellar childhood, in a warm and loving home.

I don't begrudge them one moment of that. Is it fair? Hell no. Is it equitable? Nope. BUT life isn't then what it was then and is wasn't what it is now. Nothing can MAKE life fair. I love my brothers deeply and I am so happy they had the childhood I didn't.

I have a lot of tools in my emotional toolbox they'll never have because of my experience. I am driven, unflappable, independent, and always land on my feet. The trade off in my life was being who I am. So it's not fair by one measuring stick, but more than fair in another.

1641 here. I do agree to some extent that fairness is equity can be fluid in the sense it depends where you are financially and emetionally in that moment your kids need your support. You can't give what you don't have and there is no time machine to go back and change things. I do hope your mom has tried to make amends and perhaps be a better grandparent to your kids (assuming you have kids) than she was a parent to you. No it won't bring back your childhood but I would think some regret and making an effort to move forward would go a long way.

I bolded the part about being driven, unflappable, and independent because to some extent as a parent that is my hope for all my children. No, I don't want them to grow up in a home with unhappy parents with marital issues put in charge of their much younger siblings as a way forge independence and drive (my backstory). The challenge for me is doing better by my children in a way that still encourages the drive and independence within a close non-dysfunctional relationship. Part of that is I want my kids to be able to support each other (though I know personalities play into that) and whatever I can do to not create a sibling rivalalry situation I feel will help towards that goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they have kids? Perhaps neither your brother nor his ex can afford the house on their own, and your parents are helping to give their grandchildren more stability by letting them stay in their home post-divorce. You would really begrudge kids that just because you didn't get a cut?

Do you really think that bailing out the family in this way is going to promote healthy relationships? I guess it shows the kids that mommy and daddy and going to bail you out forever.

I think there is a difference between helping someone out during a difficult time in their life and routinely bailing someone out as a part of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was suppose to care my parents bought my brother a house?
Here I was just thankful I did not need to turn to my parents for financial assistance.

+1. OP, I have been in your situation, and it never occurred to me to be upset.

[Anonymous]

OP: What could your parents do to make you whole? What would you like to see happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going to tell you something that may shatter your entire world. I hope you're sitting.

Life isn't fair. It's not equitable. It's not even. It doesn't even pretend to be.

So now you know.

Your brother is going through a tough time. Trust me, even when it seems like a winning proposition, there are very few rewards about going through a divorce.

Your parents buying out the ex makes a lot of sense as it keeps your brother in the house. If there are children, it keeps them in the house. He doesn't need to liquidate equity to pay her off, plus real estate fees, legal fees, etc. coming to that kind of financial arrangement early on saves a lot of heartache down the road and keeps your brother on better financial footing.

You don't know his arrangement with them. Maybe it's a loan that will be paid back. Maybe they will have partial legal title to the house as an asset. Maybe they will take it out of inheritance. Maybe they think by helping him now, it will save him needing their help later. Maybe, they just feel really like giving him the money.

But regardless... It's none of your business. And if you want to complain about fair, you should refer to my first point. Life isn't fair.
You should be happy you come from a family that helps out when there is a NEED.

All of this.