My MIL just told my 9-year old that she was going to turn into a "fatty" if she ate whipped cream...

[Anonymous]

A girl in their family becoming fat is the worst fear that some people have. It's a weird world. I have boys and they never get such nonsense, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mother makes comments like this all the time, and doesn't see anything wrong with it. She is French, and self-esteem or the denting of it is not in her vocabulary. She wants to make sure that our under-weight family does not become normal-weight, because in her eyes, we would then be obese! Quelle horreur!

Your DH could perhaps say something.

I'm convinced that the self esteem movement is uniquely American. I have seen Europeans be quite direct re weight. A Chinese-Am friend who was born and raised in the U.S. and went to visit her grandparents in China every couple years has told me several times that her grandmother was quite horrified and "direct" about how "big" she got when she hit her teens/20s. My friend is normal sized for an American -- 5 ft 6 in and wears about a size 6; for her Chinese grandma that was obese as all the girls in the family and all the girls she knew -- neighbors, friend's granddaughters etc. -- were more like 5 ft and 100 lb max. My Indian grandparents -- same way; the issue of weight never came up, but if a grandkid wasn't doing well in school, they'd be quick to make comments about who was smart or not. Did it hurt feelings, sure. Did it need to be said -- yes and for me it was a motivator.

I am Indian and I think what you described is BS. I remember some uncle making comments about how some woman shoudl be "slimming herself" and getting ready for marriage. My dad snapped back that she wasn't a piece of meat to be sold in a market, she was a person. That shut him right up, and I was so proud of him. There are insensitive, mean jerks in every culture but what you describe is by no mean an "Indian" thing - it's a tactless, mean jerk thing.

And telling a child that she is not smart is not at all motivational. If you're not "smart", why bother? When I was failing - literally failing - algebra, my parents worked with me a lot, told me to just keep putting in 100% and I'd get it eventually. I ended up zipping through trig and calculus. If they had just said I was stupid, I would have just veered toward things that were easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just checked and one serving of whipped cream has 15 calories and 1 gram of fat. All of you bitches criticizing the OP and her daughter can go stick your face in it. What OP's MIL said is false. There is no reason why a NINE-year-old can't have whipped cream on her dessert without turning into a "fatty." But I'm sure the MIL, along with many of you, would rather she develop a lifelong eating disorder than admit that is something that's okay.

The can of aerosol whipped cream in my MIL's fridge says it has 79 servings in it. So, do you have a postal scale to measure that one 15-calorie serving?

Just pointing out that "portion size" is often tweaked on the nutritional labels of processed foods, so it may appear healthier. Don't get fooled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just checked and one serving of whipped cream has 15 calories and 1 gram of fat. All of you bitches criticizing the OP and her daughter can go stick your face in it. What OP's MIL said is false. There is no reason why a NINE-year-old can't have whipped cream on her dessert without turning into a "fatty." But I'm sure the MIL, along with many of you, would rather she develop a lifelong eating disorder than admit that is something that's okay.

The can of aerosol whipped cream in my MIL's fridge says it has 79 servings in it. So, do you have a postal scale to measure that one 15-calorie serving?

Just pointing out that "portion size" is often tweaked on the nutritional labels of processed foods, so it may appear healthier. Don't get fooled.

Edit: I'm not OP but we are also at MIL's house

[Anonymous]

So I really want to know how to handle this myself; We barely ever have junk food in the house, but that is causing my dd to go beserk when she gets any junk at her friend's or grandma's or wherever;
I try to get her to exercise portion control but she doesnt "get it" despite many explanations of why something is bad for health. Also she has a tendency to put on weight rather quickly! What do i do what do i do??

[Anonymous]

So I really want to know how to handle this myself; We barely ever have junk food in the house, but that is causing my dd to go beserk when she gets any junk at her friend's or grandma's or wherever;
I try to get her to exercise portion control but she doesnt "get it" despite many explanations of why something is bad for health. Also she has a tendency to put on weight rather quickly! What do i do what do i do??

[Anonymous]

WAIT!!

Ok OP may or may not have luck having her or her DH talk with MIL.

More importantly, OP and her DH need to talk with their DD. They need to throw grandma under the bus, and explain

1) why they believe what she said is wrong and if grandma has any issues with food herself,

2) what grandma is trying to achieve by this (which is health, but just going about it wrong), and

3) what OP and DH think is correct re eating habits and staying healthy.

Bottom line: Grandma probably can't be changed. Treat her like a virus and inoculate your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may have problems with food herself, and if that's the case, it will be difficult for her to see what is wrong with her comments. Sometimes people don't even realize that they have disordered attitudes toward food and eating, even when it is pointed out to them.

The eating disorders that we have in the US are with the 30% who are OBESE.

The reason the majority are obese is because they eat without any discipline. This is the real issue ....... not the MIL who may or may not have skewed views about eating and diets.

Stop shifting the blame and accept responsibility for why we have a problem with obesity in this country.

Is it your contention that name-calling and humiliation and fat-shaming are appropriate ways to correct this? Serious question.

Serious answer: No that is not my contention. However, at the same time, attributing any sort of comment regarding someone putting on weight or wanting to restrict a diet is not "fat-shaming" but common sense. The approach of soft-pedaling the issue just does not work and you can just look around you to see the effect of that approach. People - most people - put on weight because they eat too much. They gorge on food like there is no tomorrow and don't exercise. Telling a kid that he/she has eaten enough or that he/she should be more active is not fat-shaming - nor is telling a kid that certain types of food are nothing but empty calories.

One can always make an exception and eat something that is junk but when one does it all the time and one eats endless amounts of junk, it is not wrong to point it out.

The reason that cigarette smoking is less of an issue today than it was is because we literally made it not only uncomfortable for people to smoke but made it cost prohibitive. If we took the approach that blunt warnings and making it uncomfortable to smoke was the equivalent of "cigarette shaming" we'd not have made the headway that we did. Education played a role for sure but most people who are obese know it is not good for them in terms of their health, their self esteem, their social interactions, etc but they still over-eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm convinced that the self esteem movement is uniquely American. I have seen Europeans be quite direct re weight. A Chinese-Am friend who was born and raised in the U.S. and went to visit her grandparents in China every couple years has told me several times that her grandmother was quite horrified and "direct" about how "big" she got when she hit her teens/20s. My friend is normal sized for an American -- 5 ft 6 in and wears about a size 6; for her Chinese grandma that was obese as all the girls in the family and all the girls she knew -- neighbors, friend's granddaughters etc. -- were more like 5 ft and 100 lb max. My Indian grandparents -- same way; the issue of weight never came up, but if a grandkid wasn't doing well in school, they'd be quick to make comments about who was smart or not. Did it hurt feelings, sure. Did it need to be said -- yes and for me it was a motivator.

Spot on, PP!

And I especially agree with your comment about the directness of Indian parents, grand-parents and other relatives when they see someone - especially someone younger - who has put on weight. They point blank would tell the person without any concern about the person's self-esteem or sensitivity.

The only thing I would add is that in days gone by, someone putting on weight in India was often associated with affluence but that is no longer the case. India has a huge problem with obesity among the middle class and the more affluent. It has been caused by the fast food culture that has caught on in India as well as a much more sedentary life-style. The net effect is that diabetes is rising at an alarming rate and since blood sugar is not as closely monitored it plays havoc with other organs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may have problems with food herself, and if that's the case, it will be difficult for her to see what is wrong with her comments. Sometimes people don't even realize that they have disordered attitudes toward food and eating, even when it is pointed out to them.

The eating disorders that we have in the US are with the 30% who are OBESE.

The reason the majority are obese is because they eat without any discipline. This is the real issue ....... not the MIL who may or may not have skewed views about eating and diets.

Stop shifting the blame and accept responsibility for why we have a problem with obesity in this country.

Is it your contention that name-calling and humiliation and fat-shaming are appropriate ways to correct this? Serious question.

Serious answer: No that is not my contention. However, at the same time, attributing any sort of comment regarding someone putting on weight or wanting to restrict a diet is not "fat-shaming" but common sense. The approach of soft-pedaling the issue just does not work and you can just look around you to see the effect of that approach. People - most people - put on weight because they eat too much. They gorge on food like there is no tomorrow and don't exercise. Telling a kid that he/she has eaten enough or that he/she should be more active is not fat-shaming - nor is telling a kid that certain types of food are nothing but empty calories.

One can always make an exception and eat something that is junk but when one does it all the time and one eats endless amounts of junk, it is not wrong to point it out.

The reason that cigarette smoking is less of an issue today than it was is because we literally made it not only uncomfortable for people to smoke but made it cost prohibitive. If we took the approach that blunt warnings and making it uncomfortable to smoke was the equivalent of "cigarette shaming" we'd not have made the headway that we did. Education played a role for sure but most people who are obese know it is not good for them in terms of their health, their self esteem, their social interactions, etc but they still over-eat.

You talk too much

[Anonymous]

As someone who suffered from a serious eating disorder for more than 15 years, I would be LIVID if someone made a similar comment to my child. Telling a child they are going to turn into a fatty if they use whipped cream does not come from a place of caring. It is not sound diet or health advice. That comment was loaded with guilt, shame and fear and it is unacceptable to foist that on a young girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A girl in their family becoming fat is the worst fear that some people have. It's a weird world. I have boys and they never get such nonsense, of course.

THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: But is she right?

Well of course she is right, if she sits and eats multiple servings of whipped cream daily, she MIGHT become a fatty. Or even most likely will. Or she could be my husband and have abs despite doing little work and eating a lot.

Is she right that a dollop of whipped cream at the holidays- shoot even a lot of dollops at the holidays, is going to have lasting impact............um, no.

that whipped cream is the last straw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I really want to know how to handle this myself; We barely ever have junk food in the house, but that is causing my dd to go beserk when she gets any junk at her friend's or grandma's or wherever;
I try to get her to exercise portion control but she doesnt "get it" despite many explanations of why something is bad for health. Also she has a tendency to put on weight rather quickly! What do i do what do i do??

Read one of Ellyn Satter's books. Once in awhile your kid should have unlimited access to junk food. So let's say a few nights a week you do dessert - one cookie, or whatever. Every now and then just have a plate of cookies out and everyone can eat as much as they would like in that one sitting.

Don't worry about your daughter's weight. Encourage good habits and the rest is up to her, without judgment from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I really want to know how to handle this myself; We barely ever have junk food in the house, but that is causing my dd to go beserk when she gets any junk at her friend's or grandma's or wherever;
I try to get her to exercise portion control but she doesnt "get it" despite many explanations of why something is bad for health. Also she has a tendency to put on weight rather quickly! What do i do what do i do??

We do not get any junk food at home - no cookies, soda, fruit juice, chips/cheetos, whipped cream, icecream, cupcakes, buttery croissant etc.

My kids eat a lot of fruits everyday in lieu of dessert at home. For special occasions (festivals, holidays, restaurants) - they are allowed to eat what ever dessert they want to eat, after they have their dinner. This allows them to not see dessert as something that they have to have every day, but it certainly is part of a celebratory meal.

The trick is to get them to view junk food as a treat that happens once in a while. Not something that is part of their daily diet.