My Parents are considering leaving our inheritance to charity

[Anonymous]

I think that I would be upset that they were phrasing things like this. Am I owed an inheritance? Well, no. But should my parents be going out of their way to assure that *I* get nothing even though I've done nothing wrong? Well, no, that would suck of them.

If they have worries that I would give my brother the money or that my brother would give me big problems if I was the sole inheritor, I would be interested in hearing those reasons. But to just be cut out of the will like that would be confusing and hurtful. Like they don't think I'm smart or capable enough to look out for myself.

[Anonymous]

Suffer? Suffer?

What an entitled, narcissistic thing to say. I assume you wouldn't know actual suffering if it punched you in the nose. I hope your parents do leave their inheritance to charity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't feel entitled, but I would be upset.

Why would this upset you if you didn't feel entitled to it? Seems to me the appropriate response would be to take pride that your parents were going to help others.

It doesn't seem that complicated to me. I acknowledge my parents' right to do as they please; I'd never contest it. Yet, I have every right to feel however I feel about whatever.

It does not seem normal to me that my parents' charity would start that far from home. I might feel different if we were wealthy. Unfortunately, no trust funds here. So whatever few bucks we manage to save should go to family. I'm fine with the idea of leaving money to grandkids. But not strangers, no.

Ok, so you think you have every right to feel however. Just acknowledge you also feel entitled to their money. You don't get to say "I don't feel entitled, but I would be upset." Because, you DO feel entitled, which is why you're upset.

That's legitimate. Just let's not pretend like you don't feel entitled.

+1.

There is nothing wrong with feeling upset. However, you don't feel upset unless you feel entitled. You think of their money as your inheritance. Your inheritance doesn't exist unless they die and will it you their money. Until they die, you have no inheritance. It's their money to do with as they please. If you don't feel entitled, you would be happy that they were using their money to help people as opposed to just squandering it away. Think of this way: if you have a choice, would you prefer that they spent it away lavishly enjoying themselves, like cruises around the world, trips to casinos, hosting large dinner events for friends, etc so that there was no money left, or would you rather they leave money to charity. If you considered that you would never get the money, what would you prefer they do with it? That's the attitude that you have if you did not feel entitled to the money. Another way to think, if they were not your parents, but were a wealthy childless couple, what would you expect them to do with their money? That's the non-entitled perspective.

If you are upset because you are not getting "your inheritance" then you feel entitled to that money. You feel that you deserve to get that money. It doesn't matter if you feel that you deserve it to care for their grandchildren, if you feel that you deserve it as their child, or for whatever reason, you are entitled. You can't hold the lofty opinion that you don't feel entitled and then feel upset that they chose to do something positive with their money like donate to charity.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you feeling upset or feeling cheated by your parents' decision. But you feel entitled to their money. I do too. I just acknowledge that I feel entitled. And why do I feel entitled? That's the way I was raised BY THEM. They made the point that family was the most important, that having and caring for children and grandchildren is a priority. My parents have told me explicitly that they will use some of they money to help my kids pay for college. They have financially helped my siblings and I regularly throughout our childhood and adulthood. If they opted to give their money to charity, I would be happy that they did something good but I would feel cheated because of what they told me they would do.

Not quite. I think I have a decent relationship with my parents. Part of this relationship is supporting and helping each other if need be. I just can't fathom what kind of douchebag you have to be to either 1) turn away a parent in need or 2) not to give your kids the best you can afford. I'm foreign-born, so you may chuck it up to cultural differences. I abhore dumping parents in old folks' homes as much as kicking out 18-year-olds out of the house. My parents' denial to do what I'd do for my kids would upset me, because it would mean a significant shift in our relationship. Not because I don't sleep at night trying to calculate how much they'd leave me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that I would be upset that they were phrasing things like this. Am I owed an inheritance? Well, no. But should my parents be going out of their way to assure that *I* get nothing even though I've done nothing wrong? Well, no, that would suck of them.

If they have worries that I would give my brother the money or that my brother would give me big problems if I was the sole inheritor, I would be interested in hearing those reasons. But to just be cut out of the will like that would be confusing and hurtful. Like they don't think I'm smart or capable enough to look out for myself.

OP, perhaps you are not as upset about losing the inheritance as you are about not being included in the conversation when the decision was made. Maybe start your conversation with your parents with the thought that you feel hurt that you were not included in the conversation.

I am not convinced this is about the money alone.

[Anonymous]

If the parents die and do not leave a will, the estate gets divided among the closest kin (along with the tax man). Right? That means the children.

The parents can opt to will their estate to other people or to a charity if they want to. But they would have to actively disinherit their kids by writing a will to exclude them from inheriting anything. That's the part that just seems..hurtful.

I'm trying to think of reasons why I would actively disinherit my own kids if they were reasonably responsible and our relationship was not very bad. And I really can't come up with much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's their money, but a financial advisor or attorney could sort this out so you wouldn't be the "entitled" daughter.

They could leave it for your brother in a trust.Either you or a lawyer could be a trustee, so your brother couldn't drink or snort it up. If your family/children have any serious health issues this money would be important and potentially life saving. I wish you luck.

This is what my parents have done in their will. My brother is not really messed up, but he is the only one not married (early 50s) and has a history of not being that responsible with money. My parents are afraid he will just squander every cent of his inheritance, so they have it written in the will that my sister is the trustee of his money, and he will essentially need to get "approval" from her before he uses the money for anything.

I would be horrified by this arrangement. This will pit siblings against each and cause conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's their money, but a financial advisor or attorney could sort this out so you wouldn't be the "entitled" daughter.

They could leave it for your brother in a trust.Either you or a lawyer could be a trustee, so your brother couldn't drink or snort it up. If your family/children have any serious health issues this money would be important and potentially life saving. I wish you luck.

This is what my parents have done in their will. My brother is not really messed up, but he is the only one not married (early 50s) and has a history of not being that responsible with money. My parents are afraid he will just squander every cent of his inheritance, so they have it written in the will that my sister is the trustee of his money, and he will essentially need to get "approval" from her before he uses the money for anything.

I would be horrified by this arrangement. This will pit siblings against each and cause conflict.

ugh. How is a sibling supposed to determine if the irresponsible sibling is spending their money wisely? He could ask for money to fix his car, I could give it to him and he could spend it on hookers. How the heck could I control what a grown man does with money?

If this was a sibling with downs or a serious handicap that's one thing. But please don't put me in charge of babysitting another grown up. Udh.

[Anonymous]

Can a financial adviser be the manager of the trust? I seriously can not imagine trying to make determinations like that for a grown, independent family member. It just seems really...insulting to them. I understand the good intentions, but how awkward.

[Anonymous]

Its one thing for someone to give money to a charity that they believe in and another to do it because they are mad or disappointed in a relative. I agree that recommending a trust manager that provides money from the estate for specific purposes (education, down payment on house) and under specific conditions (must attend and graduate college, be employed for a specified period of time) is a good control to see that the money isn't wasted.

[Anonymous]

On the flip side, some parents in that situation decide that the irresponsible sibling is the one that needs more help and so leaves them ALL the money. And you wonder why so many people don't have wills....

[Anonymous]

I used to know some mobsters...

[Anonymous]

Let me fix that for you:

"My Parents are considering leaving their assets to charity."

How lovely and generous of them! Now go get a job and stop counting other people's money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the parents die and do not leave a will, the estate gets divided among the closest kin (along with the tax man). Right? That means the children.

The parents can opt to will their estate to other people or to a charity if they want to. But they would have to actively disinherit their kids by writing a will to exclude them from inheriting anything. That's the part that just seems..hurtful.

I'm trying to think of reasons why I would actively disinherit my own kids if they were reasonably responsible and our relationship was not very bad. And I really can't come up with much.

Rarely. You have to have a really big estate (around $11 million for a couple) before you start to have any tax issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the flip side, some parents in that situation decide that the irresponsible sibling is the one that needs more help and so leaves them ALL the money. And you wonder why so many people don't have wills....

Yep. this is what happened to my DH. The other kids mostly moved past it, but it still rankles him when we visit and he sees his parent's beautiful little house falling into utter disrepair because they somehow still can't afford to keep it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the parents die and do not leave a will, the estate gets divided among the closest kin (along with the tax man). Right? That means the children.

The parents can opt to will their estate to other people or to a charity if they want to. But they would have to actively disinherit their kids by writing a will to exclude them from inheriting anything. That's the part that just seems..hurtful.

I'm trying to think of reasons why I would actively disinherit my own kids if they were reasonably responsible and our relationship was not very bad. And I really can't come up with much.

Rarely. You have to have a really big estate (around $11 million for a couple) before you start to have any tax issues.

I thought that you had to have a will on file or there would be some sort of chunk taken out by the government. Does the money automatically go to a person's spouse, then children?