My Parents are considering leaving our inheritance to charity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't feel entitled, but I would be upset.

Why would this upset you if you didn't feel entitled to it? Seems to me the appropriate response would be to take pride that your parents were going to help others.

It doesn't seem that complicated to me. I acknowledge my parents' right to do as they please; I'd never contest it. Yet, I have every right to feel however I feel about whatever.

It does not seem normal to me that my parents' charity would start that far from home. I might feel different if we were wealthy. Unfortunately, no trust funds here. So whatever few bucks we manage to save should go to family. I'm fine with the idea of leaving money to grandkids. But not strangers, no.

Ok, so you think you have every right to feel however. Just acknowledge you also feel entitled to their money. You don't get to say "I don't feel entitled, but I would be upset." Because, you DO feel entitled, which is why you're upset.

That's legitimate. Just let's not pretend like you don't feel entitled.

+1.

There is nothing wrong with feeling upset. However, you don't feel upset unless you feel entitled. You think of their money as your inheritance. Your inheritance doesn't exist unless they die and will it you their money. Until they die, you have no inheritance. It's their money to do with as they please. If you don't feel entitled, you would be happy that they were using their money to help people as opposed to just squandering it away. Think of this way: if you have a choice, would you prefer that they spent it away lavishly enjoying themselves, like cruises around the world, trips to casinos, hosting large dinner events for friends, etc so that there was no money left, or would you rather they leave money to charity. If you considered that you would never get the money, what would you prefer they do with it? That's the attitude that you have if you did not feel entitled to the money. Another way to think, if they were not your parents, but were a wealthy childless couple, what would you expect them to do with their money? That's the non-entitled perspective.

If you are upset because you are not getting "your inheritance" then you feel entitled to that money. You feel that you deserve to get that money. It doesn't matter if you feel that you deserve it to care for their grandchildren, if you feel that you deserve it as their child, or for whatever reason, you are entitled. You can't hold the lofty opinion that you don't feel entitled and then feel upset that they chose to do something positive with their money like donate to charity.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you feeling upset or feeling cheated by your parents' decision. But you feel entitled to their money. I do too. I just acknowledge that I feel entitled. And why do I feel entitled? That's the way I was raised BY THEM. They made the point that family was the most important, that having and caring for children and grandchildren is a priority. My parents have told me explicitly that they will use some of they money to help my kids pay for college. They have financially helped my siblings and I regularly throughout our childhood and adulthood. If they opted to give their money to charity, I would be happy that they did something good but I would feel cheated because of what they told me they would do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's their money, but a financial advisor or attorney could sort this out so you wouldn't be the "entitled" daughter.

They could leave it for your brother in a trust.Either you or a lawyer could be a trustee, so your brother couldn't drink or snort it up. If your family/children have any serious health issues this money would be important and potentially life saving. I wish you luck.

This is what my parents have done in their will. My brother is not really messed up, but he is the only one not married (early 50s) and has a history of not being that responsible with money. My parents are afraid he will just squander every cent of his inheritance, so they have it written in the will that my sister is the trustee of his money, and he will essentially need to get "approval" from her before he uses the money for anything.

[Anonymous]

For Xmas get them the dvd set for this

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Goodwin_Games

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I don't feel entitled to their money but I don't think its right that I don't get my inheritance specifically because my brother can't be trusted. It would be one thing if there plan was to leave it to charity because that is important to them but thats not the case.

The fact that you keep referring to it as *your* inheritance means you *do* feel entitled to their money. It's not YOUR inheritance. It is THEIR money. When they die, if they decide to leave it to you, THEN it becomes your inheritance.

Maybe they will still leave it to you or part of it, but they don't want you to expect it or rely on it. Possibly, they think that your brother makes bad choices because he anticipates being saved by their inheritance. And maybe they don't want any of their kids to assume they have a windfall coming and make choices accordingly.

But whatever their reason for doing what they're doing, if you act petulant about it, they'll be even more inclined not to leave you anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't feel entitled, but I would be upset.

Why would this upset you if you didn't feel entitled to it? Seems to me the appropriate response would be to take pride that your parents were going to help others.

It doesn't seem that complicated to me. I acknowledge my parents' right to do as they please; I'd never contest it. Yet, I have every right to feel however I feel about whatever.

It does not seem normal to me that my parents' charity would start that far from home. I might feel different if we were wealthy. Unfortunately, no trust funds here. So whatever few bucks we manage to save should go to family. I'm fine with the idea of leaving money to grandkids. But not strangers, no.

Ok, so you think you have every right to feel however. Just acknowledge you also feel entitled to their money. You don't get to say "I don't feel entitled, but I would be upset." Because, you DO feel entitled, which is why you're upset.

That's legitimate. Just let's not pretend like you don't feel entitled.

+1.

There is nothing wrong with feeling upset. However, you don't feel upset unless you feel entitled. You think of their money as your inheritance. Your inheritance doesn't exist unless they die and will it you their money. Until they die, you have no inheritance. It's their money to do with as they please. If you don't feel entitled, you would be happy that they were using their money to help people as opposed to just squandering it away. Think of this way: if you have a choice, would you prefer that they spent it away lavishly enjoying themselves, like cruises around the world, trips to casinos, hosting large dinner events for friends, etc so that there was no money left, or would you rather they leave money to charity. If you considered that you would never get the money, what would you prefer they do with it? That's the attitude that you have if you did not feel entitled to the money. Another way to think, if they were not your parents, but were a wealthy childless couple, what would you expect them to do with their money? That's the non-entitled perspective.

If you are upset because you are not getting "your inheritance" then you feel entitled to that money. You feel that you deserve to get that money. It doesn't matter if you feel that you deserve it to care for their grandchildren, if you feel that you deserve it as their child, or for whatever reason, you are entitled. You can't hold the lofty opinion that you don't feel entitled and then feel upset that they chose to do something positive with their money like donate to charity.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you feeling upset or feeling cheated by your parents' decision. But you feel entitled to their money. I do too. I just acknowledge that I feel entitled. And why do I feel entitled? That's the way I was raised BY THEM. They made the point that family was the most important, that having and caring for children and grandchildren is a priority. My parents have told me explicitly that they will use some of they money to help my kids pay for college. They have financially helped my siblings and I regularly throughout our childhood and adulthood. If they opted to give their money to charity, I would be happy that they did something good but I would feel cheated because of what they told me they would do.

Not necessarily. The parents are using the money to send a signal to her brother that he isn't good enough to be trusted with money. It's a very harsh judgment from a set of parents. Somehow they have decided that OP shouldn't get the money either, and there is a possible judgment hidden in that as well. That's upsetting regardless of entitlement or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't feel entitled, but I would be upset.

Why would this upset you if you didn't feel entitled to it? Seems to me the appropriate response would be to take pride that your parents were going to help others.

It doesn't seem that complicated to me. I acknowledge my parents' right to do as they please; I'd never contest it. Yet, I have every right to feel however I feel about whatever.

It does not seem normal to me that my parents' charity would start that far from home. I might feel different if we were wealthy. Unfortunately, no trust funds here. So whatever few bucks we manage to save should go to family. I'm fine with the idea of leaving money to grandkids. But not strangers, no.

Of course you have a right to feel any way you want about it, but if you come here expecting sympathy, I doubt you're going to get it.

Most people don't have any expected inheritance. In fact, many people end up having to spend a lot of money when a parent or parents die because there isn't even enough money in their parents' "estate" to pay for a funeral, grave plot, et cetera.

Feel however you want. But if you expect people to feel sympathy or share in your outrage, you're going to be disappointed. And if you express to your parents that you are outraged and upset, it probably will only make them less inclined to leave you anything.

It also can fester and damage the relationship you have with your parents while they are still alive. If you love them and want to enjoy their company while they're still with you, the best thing you can do is let it go and put it out of your mind -- in fact, pretend they have no estate or money or inheritance to leave anyone and just appreciate the relationship you have with them. It was never your money to begin with, so it's not as if you are losing something you had. You are losing something you perceived as yours. What people are telling you is that your parents aren't taking anything away from you because it was never yours to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't feel entitled, but I would be upset.

Why would this upset you if you didn't feel entitled to it? Seems to me the appropriate response would be to take pride that your parents were going to help others.

It doesn't seem that complicated to me. I acknowledge my parents' right to do as they please; I'd never contest it. Yet, I have every right to feel however I feel about whatever.

It does not seem normal to me that my parents' charity would start that far from home. I might feel different if we were wealthy. Unfortunately, no trust funds here. So whatever few bucks we manage to save should go to family. I'm fine with the idea of leaving money to grandkids. But not strangers, no.

Ok, so you think you have every right to feel however. Just acknowledge you also feel entitled to their money. You don't get to say "I don't feel entitled, but I would be upset." Because, you DO feel entitled, which is why you're upset.

That's legitimate. Just let's not pretend like you don't feel entitled.

+1.

There is nothing wrong with feeling upset. However, you don't feel upset unless you feel entitled. You think of their money as your inheritance. Your inheritance doesn't exist unless they die and will it you their money. Until they die, you have no inheritance. It's their money to do with as they please. If you don't feel entitled, you would be happy that they were using their money to help people as opposed to just squandering it away. Think of this way: if you have a choice, would you prefer that they spent it away lavishly enjoying themselves, like cruises around the world, trips to casinos, hosting large dinner events for friends, etc so that there was no money left, or would you rather they leave money to charity. If you considered that you would never get the money, what would you prefer they do with it? That's the attitude that you have if you did not feel entitled to the money. Another way to think, if they were not your parents, but were a wealthy childless couple, what would you expect them to do with their money? That's the non-entitled perspective.

If you are upset because you are not getting "your inheritance" then you feel entitled to that money. You feel that you deserve to get that money. It doesn't matter if you feel that you deserve it to care for their grandchildren, if you feel that you deserve it as their child, or for whatever reason, you are entitled. You can't hold the lofty opinion that you don't feel entitled and then feel upset that they chose to do something positive with their money like donate to charity.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you feeling upset or feeling cheated by your parents' decision. But you feel entitled to their money. I do too. I just acknowledge that I feel entitled. And why do I feel entitled? That's the way I was raised BY THEM. They made the point that family was the most important, that having and caring for children and grandchildren is a priority. My parents have told me explicitly that they will use some of they money to help my kids pay for college. They have financially helped my siblings and I regularly throughout our childhood and adulthood. If they opted to give their money to charity, I would be happy that they did something good but I would feel cheated because of what they told me they would do.

Not necessarily. The parents are using the money to send a signal to her brother that he isn't good enough to be trusted with money. It's a very harsh judgment from a set of parents. Somehow they have decided that OP shouldn't get the money either, and there is a possible judgment hidden in that as well. That's upsetting regardless of entitlement or not.

Nonsense. It's clear that OP isn't upset because she thinks her parents are judging her. She is upset because she isn't going to get the money that she thinks she's entitled to. She made it pretty clear in her post that her parents' reasoning is that they don't think it would be fair to favor one child over the other and leave one the money and not the other. That's pretty reasonable. And I actually think they are to be commended for reaching that conclusion.

I also don't think it's that they don't "trust" either adult child with money. It's possibly more that they don't want either adult child to live their life with the expectation that there's a windfall coming. And it's pretty clear that they're probably correct in that judgment, as it sounds like OP was *expecting* that money. Maybe they don't want either child to expect an inheritance. So if there is some judgment of OP, it's probably justified (at least given OP's outrage enough to post on a forum).

[Anonymous]

Anything left here will be in trust with the financial advisor. Our oldest is incredibly irresponsible.

We have some set aside to donate but I'm not doing all of this for charity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are considering leaving our inheritance to Charity because my brother is a *(CK Up. And my parents always believe everything should be equal between us. Why should I have to suffer because of his actions. Would you be upset?

Very much so. I wouldn't lift a finger to help them in their old age so they could use their precious money to fend for themselves, and they'd have none to leave to charity.

This is not charity but spite and horrendous parenting.

It's not your fault that your brother is a screwup.

Er, trying to force your parents to run through their money so there's nothing left for charity is the definition of spiteful. You sound like a lovely person.

Not leaving money to a child who hasn't learned to take care of themselves is not horrendous parenting, and treating all children equally even if it's not "fair" is also not horrendous parenting. If they leave money to you and not your brother, that could easily be the end of your relationship. Would you rather have money than your brother?

I'm the poster you're quoting and, frankly, I couldn't give a flip about what you think of me.

Re. the issue and the bolded part: That's not the horrendous parenting part. The horrendous parenting part is lumping the children together. One is a screw up and leaving him zero money is fine. Why should the other child suffer for her brother's mistakes? It's totally not fair.

You bet your last red cent I would never darken my parents' door again if they pulled shit like that with me. Thank goodness they are not that kind of people who would pull something like this (at least, not my Mum, and the man who sired me would be homeless without her) and I don't have a screw up brother.

You would never darken your parents' door again if they left all their money to charity? Presumably, they'd be dead, so there wouldn't be much reason to go visit them anyway. We'll count you as another one who feels entitled to their parents' money. I guess if your parents raise you to be that way, they're only reaping what they sowed.

Anyone who refers to their father as "the man who sired me" obviously has some issues, so there's that, too, I guess.

[Anonymous]

I'm still struggling with the term "our inheritance". I don't get that at all. It's their money, they worked for it or sucked up well enough to get it. If you didn't, that is really that. Obviously if you were engaged in some worth endeavor then what your sibling was doing would not matter.

[Anonymous]

My parents left everything to the RCC. Ultimately, I it went along way in helping their diocese settle the all the sexual abuse suits that they had pending. Oh well......

[Anonymous]

I admit I would be annoyed and disappointed. However, I would do my best to get over it. One of my good friends has a very wealthy, self-made parent who has always said she would leave the vast majority of her estate to charity. She's been very generous, but has been firm on that throughout. It's a perfectly reasonable point of view, and the adult kids have had many years to get used to the idea. Nobody's spiteful enough to cut their mother out of their lives because of her intentions. Maybe they're all hoping she'll change her mind, or maybe they are just decent people who accept their mother's wishes.

[Anonymous]

I would stop talking to them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would stop talking to them

and the brother, too. F--k the whole family.

[Anonymous]

You don't have an inheritance until after someone dies and leaves you something. Frankly, at this point, I can't stand your whole family.