My last name is never included...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find the changed names jarring, as I didn't change mine. It's so hard when you're trying to find a friend, say Suzie Smith, and someone says, "Oh, you mean Suzie Jones." Then when people get divorced, and someone takes a whole new name, its really confusing, but whatever it is, it's their choice. I respect that. People should respect yours.

FWIW, it cuts both ways in our house: I'm a Tyrel and I married a Stark, and sometimes I am Lady Tyrel, others I am Lady Stark, and sometimes my husband is Lord Tyrel. He gets called my name more than I get his!

The bolded. How hard is it to make a note in one's address book? Calling someone something they don't want to be called is bad manners.

Who maintains address books anymore?

All my life, my last name which is a common first name for men has caused great confusion - people who haven't met me, but are processing a form with my name on it often assume I'm a man. Getting called by my husband's last name doesn't even register on my annoyance radar.

[Anonymous]

Ha ha - we got a card from an elderly aunt addressed:
Mr. and Mrs. <dh's first name> <my last name>.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every team needs a name. When you gt married you form a team. Pick a name for your team, make sure people know your team name then let it go.

Hate the overuse of "team" as a metaphor. My family is not competing against other families. We are a family. With different names, first and last. Jane Rose and John Philip, Laura Ann and Michael Lee. Smith and Jones.


There are many places all over the world where families do not share one single last name. Many. And it's just not that big of a deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I don't always know how to address such envelopes. John and Jane Doe, John Doe and Jane Crow, John and Jane Crow Doe, John and Jane Doe Crow, (or any variation thereof with hyphens), John Crow and Jane Crow Doe. All of these are possibilities and frankly, when I'm addressing several dozen envelopes (or even just one) I don't have the bandwidth to deal with it or what will or won't offend your delicate sensibilities. I am sure there are very few people who are annoying you on purpose and quite a lot who just aren't sure what your preference is and how you want your name to appear on the envelope and whether there will be enough room.

Jesus, how is this difficult? If they have different names, it's just "John Doe and Jane Crow". Not rocket science!!! If they hyphenate, that's a different name entirely. Wouldn't you know that?

Addressing people the way they wish to be addressed is a basic courtesy. If you're really lost about such things, you could wait until they send you a card and see how they put their return address. Last year, DH and I were "John Black and Mary Brown". This year, now that we have a child who carries my last name, we are simply "The Black & Brown Family". It's really not difficult to be courteous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your children have your husbands name I think your name is irrelevant unless you are my employee or my lawyer or my doctor.

Wow. Way to erase the woman in the family. She's just a vessel for creating the people who carry her husband's name, huh?

My DH and I both kept our own last names. Our son has my last name. Would you erase my husband and use only my last name on our cards, then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every team needs a name. When you gt married you form a team. Pick a name for your team, make sure people know your team name then let it go.

Hate the overuse of "team" as a metaphor. My family is not competing against other families. We are a family. With different names, first and last. Jane Rose and John Philip, Laura Ann and Michael Lee. Smith and Jones.


There are many places all over the world where families do not share one single last name. Many. And it's just not that big of a deal.

What is the envelope addressing etiquette in those countries? Is there any kind of consistency in naming in those countries?

The difficult aspect here is that there are so many different possibilities and choices. We just don't always know which choices people have made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so etiquette experts...weigh in on this;

Neighbor has different last name than husband. Child one has mom's last name and child two has dad's. I assume the following would be correct for their Christmas card:

The Crabapple - DiVenivedivici Family

Or,

Ms. Crabapple and Mr. DiVenivedivici (no mention of kids)

(or Ms. and Mr. but include children's first names)
Sylvester and Sofia

Or, (formal - too formal for Christmas card)

Ms. Harriet Crapapple and Mr. Salvatore DiVenivedivici
Master Sylvester Crabapple and Miss Sofia DiVenivedivici

I would say "The Crabapple & DiVenivedivici Family". I only hyhpenate if they hyphenate and use both. The formal example you use is correct. BTW, I love your neighbors. Love the idea of both children carrying family names from each parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mr and Mrs Smith is correct.
I agree it can't be hard to write From/To: The Smith-Jones Family

No, it's not. Using someone's real, legal name is correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AH, I totally get it. I would be frustrated by that too. What can I say? Casual sexism is alive and well and built into our patriarchal society. At least you know you are fighting the good fight

Yep. This is why we decided to give our kid my last name and not DH's. Enough with these assumptions. Naming traditions are rooted in pretty nasty history of women being akin to property - which isn't to say that changing your name is weak or makes you property. Take DH's name, hyphenate, keep yours, whatever you want. But it's a personal choice and that choice should be respected.

We did this, too! You're the only other one I've encountered on DCUM. Let's be friends.

[Anonymous]

This is seriously NOT complicated, and I think the people who claim it's so complex that they can't be bothered to figure it out have their own agenda (I'm pretty sure they are in families where everyone has the same last name and think it's such a bother for women to have their own names).

My husband and I kept our own names. My kids have a hyphenated name. We have gotten holiday cards and every one was addressed "properly" in that they say some version of:

Smith-Jones Family
Jane Smith and Michael Jones and Family
Jane Smith and Michael Jones
Smith/Jones Family
Hell, even Jane Smith and Family or Michael Jones and Family is fine if they don't the other spouse's name.

We have not gotten a single card that says only:
"The Smith Family" or "The Jones Family."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drives me crazy too. Before kids, most family was good about just putting both of our names. Now that we have kids it has been completely forgotten that I don't share their name. I know I can't say anything, but especially when it's his family it feels like a slap in the face, as if I don't matter anymore.

I agree!! LAZY people..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't change my name either and don't really care how people address us, but it's usually The Husband's Name Family. I have family members where the wife didn't change her name but they have 3+ kids so writing all their first names isn't possible when addressing. I usually just say "Husband's Name Family" too. Wish there were a better alternative, but I think people know it's not any kind of judgment on whether they changed their names (since I didn't either)! Should be interesting to see how this evolves since fewer women are changing their names.

The better alternative is easy. Address it to the "Wifeslastname & Husbandslastname Family." How is this difficult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always write "Jane and John Doe". I figure that even if you're not Jane Doe, I'm still correct?

I only write "Jane Smith and John Doe" on my unmarried, living together friends cards.

Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always write "Jane and John Doe". I figure that even if you're not Jane Doe, I'm still correct?

I only write "Jane Smith and John Doe" on my unmarried, living together friends cards.

Nope.

I think this is correct. Technically her name isn't next to the last name, it's just avoiding using her last name?

What's your family name if you don't hyphenate or take your DH's last name? Smith Family and Jane Doe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always write "Jane and John Doe". I figure that even if you're not Jane Doe, I'm still correct?

I only write "Jane Smith and John Doe" on my unmarried, living together friends cards.

No, you are certainly not correct. If they are married, they should be addressed as:

Jane Smith and John Doe
123 Maple Street

If they are unmarried, you would write:

Jane Smith
John Doe
123 Maple Street

You would ONLY write Jane and John Doe if Jane's name is Doe.