DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are mad at the wrong person. Your DH broke your agreement and lied to you for 1.5 years! Your MIL probably thought she was trying to help save your relationship with your husband by covering his lie and she went a little overboard. I would try to let it go, it's in the past and there's nothing you can do about it now. Any grudges you hold need to be worked out with your DH, he is the one to blame.

Again, it may appear that way bc of the nature of my post, but that's only because I'm handling it with DH, so the DH part of it isn't really something I need feedback on (though if you have any let me know). So DH wanted to tell me at one point and MIL convinced him not to. That is another part of it I'm struggling with.

I don't think there's much to work through with your mother in law. She had an obnoxious phone conversation because your husband made a bad move. She was trying to protect your feelings. I don't see how she has any blame at all. If she has done things that bother you since then, by all means bring that up with her. But leave this long misstep out of your relationship with her.

If I care about it, I need to do something to address it. If you are saying I should leave this out, how should I do this? Should I divorce my DH if I can't get over it?

Also those were just examples of a pattern of truly obnoxious behavior that lasted at least two days.

I think you could benefit from talking to a therapist about this. Clearly the posters here are not understanding your issue and are not helping you resolve it. Maybe a family therapist could help you work it out.

I think the main disconnect is that no one else thinks your mother in law did anything wrong, so there is no rational reason for you to be mad at her. An what on earth is she supposed to apologize for? She was annoying for two days almost 2 years ago? When she was TRYING to be nice and spare your feelings? I just really don't see any issue at all here. She wasn't really being passive aggressive, she was PRETENDING because she thought it would make you feel better. If you feel like you have to discuss this with her, just have a normal conversation. Tell her you appreciate what he was trying to do, but in the future you would rather her not be complicit in your husband lying to you. This should really be something you should be able to laugh at by now.

You only found out two weeks ago, so I'm hoping your emotions are just running high now and soon this won't bother you at all anymore. You should treat your MIL with kindness and recognize that even though she was annoying those two days, she meant well. But if you are still bothered by this, definitely talk to a professional. Maybe he/she can guide you about how to build a better relationship.

[Anonymous]

So have you thought about what you would like MIL to apologize for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am someone who needs to address something directly to heal from it, and if this need can't be met, I will never have a relationship of substance with her.

But here is where I think you are off track. You are assuming that there is something you can do that will make you have a relationship of substance with her. Just accept that this isn't necessarily going to happen. You can be nice and civil to her, and ensure that you don't have a relationship fraught with constant conflict. You can't make the two of you be close.

This is right. I am accepting this, just sad about it.

Or I don't know - you could put on your big girl panties and talk to your MIL about it and tell her you were hurt be her behavior that weekend, and you now learned some of the source.

You also paint her telling your DH not to tell you as somehow betraying your trust, but that's not the case. It was your DH's responsibility to know the right course of action in that situation - not your MILs. She could have easily been giving advice based on what she would want in the same situation, which clearly makes her wrong when it comes to you, but it doesn't make her evil.

[Anonymous]

I think the main disconnect is that no one else thinks your mother in law did anything wrong, so there is no rational reason for you to be mad at her. An what on earth is she supposed to apologize for? She was annoying for two days almost 2 years ago? When she was TRYING to be nice and spare your feelings? I just really don't see any issue at all here.

Well, I agree with everything you said except this. I do think that what her MIL did was somewhat wrong, but not nearly as wrong as what her DH did. I would feel weirded out if my MIL was insanely overacting annoyance with me about not telling her I was pregnant in order to hide the fact that she knew I was pregnant. I would not, however, be dwelling on it or expecting an apology two years after the fact. I would probably think, "that was kind of annoying and over the top on MIL's part. What a waste of time and energy," and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am someone who needs to address something directly to heal from it, and if this need can't be met, I will never have a relationship of substance with her.

But here is where I think you are off track. You are assuming that there is something you can do that will make you have a relationship of substance with her. Just accept that this isn't necessarily going to happen. You can be nice and civil to her, and ensure that you don't have a relationship fraught with constant conflict. You can't make the two of you be close.

This is right. I am accepting this, just sad about it.

Or I don't know - you could put on your big girl panties and talk to your MIL about it and tell her you were hurt be her behavior that weekend, and you now learned some of the source.

You also paint her telling your DH not to tell you as somehow betraying your trust, but that's not the case. It was your DH's responsibility to know the right course of action in that situation - not your MILs. She could have easily been giving advice based on what she would want in the same situation, which clearly makes her wrong when it comes to you, but it doesn't make her evil.

Never said she was evil, just that I don't feel I can trust her given this. Similar with DH but I am working through with him. I think the trust issues were kind of obvious so I'm disappointed she didn't foresee them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You ARE overreacting. It sounds like you need to take a deep breath and just let go already. This woman is your child's grandmother. Work to forgive little issues like passive-aggressive comments (so not a big deal) and build a good relationship.

Oh shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think the main disconnect is that no one else thinks your mother in law did anything wrong, so there is no rational reason for you to be mad at her. An what on earth is she supposed to apologize for? She was annoying for two days almost 2 years ago? When she was TRYING to be nice and spare your feelings? I just really don't see any issue at all here.

Well, I agree with everything you said except this. I do think that what her MIL did was somewhat wrong, but not nearly as wrong as what her DH did. I would feel weirded out if my MIL was insanely overacting annoyance with me about not telling her I was pregnant in order to hide the fact that she knew I was pregnant. I would not, however, be dwelling on it or expecting an apology two years after the fact. I would probably think, "that was kind of annoying and over the top on MIL's part. What a waste of time and energy," and move on.

See, if MIL and I had a great relationship at this point, I would think that too. The problem is, something was off about that whole trip, and afterward I left feeling confused and not really trusting her and not knowing why. I guess I'm sad about what could have been had this not been hanging in the air all this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am someone who needs to address something directly to heal from it, and if this need can't be met, I will never have a relationship of substance with her.

But here is where I think you are off track. You are assuming that there is something you can do that will make you have a relationship of substance with her. Just accept that this isn't necessarily going to happen. You can be nice and civil to her, and ensure that you don't have a relationship fraught with constant conflict. You can't make the two of you be close.

This is right. I am accepting this, just sad about it.

Or I don't know - you could put on your big girl panties and talk to your MIL about it and tell her you were hurt be her behavior that weekend, and you now learned some of the source.

You also paint her telling your DH not to tell you as somehow betraying your trust, but that's not the case. It was your DH's responsibility to know the right course of action in that situation - not your MILs. She could have easily been giving advice based on what she would want in the same situation, which clearly makes her wrong when it comes to you, but it doesn't make her evil.

Yes, I would like to but at a loss for how to initiate this conversation. I agree with you that it is really on DH. It's just that with DH, I have a lot of other reasons built up to trust him so the betrayal of trust (I get that this is a charged word but I don't know of a better one... it's more intense than I really mean if that helps). With MIL I don't have that foundation of a relationship.

I'm big on integrity, honesty, and any deception about something you know someone cares about is a wrong to me. If she were to acknowledge this, I think I could move forward from it and try to "start fresh" as it were. Otherwise, the lack of trust will always be there. Of course I want my daughter to be exposed to none of this regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I agreed to tell our families about our pregnancy when we were all together at a family gathering (both our parents would be there). I was 17 weeks at the time of the gathering. I was nervous about miscarriage and also pretty sick, and knew it would make things worse for me if people knew. DH and I agreed we could each tell a few out of town friends.

After the pregnancy announcement MIL immediately became strangely passive-aggressive. Like "did so-and-so know before me?" and getting on the phone with people to tell them about the pregnancy and saying things in my earshot like "yeah, they're not finding the gender, yes, i know, what a horrible idea" - I let it go several times, and at some point I actually said to her directly "are you upset that we didn't tell you? We weren't intending anything malicious with that, we just wanted to celebrate together, and I wasn't comfortable telling anyone for awhile." That worked to stop the barrage of passive aggression, but she still remained annoying in general about the pregnancy, and something just felt off about it and I just felt like I couldn't really trust MIL after that. I kind of traced the deterioration of my relationship with her to that day.

So then about 1.5 years later, I am talking to DH about where things went wrong with his MIL, and I again traced it back to this trip. And he comes out with, there's something I should tell you about that. Apparently he had told his mom about the pregnancy and she was just overacting to keep that from me, that whole time. Even after she knew it was upsetting me.

I feel pretty betrayed, but I'm not sure what to do about it. MIL still doesn't know I know. I'm happy to hear advice such as "get over it, you're overreacting," but I'm not sure DCUM's invalidating my feelings will be enough for me. I can try to ignore it, but I feel hurt that MIL would think that building her relationship with me (not to mention my relationship with DH) on a lie was a good idea. I don't hold grudges in the sense of anger, but it's hard for me to feel trust for someone who hasn't unequivocally acknowledged doing anything wrong in a way that makes clear that it won't happen again. And at this point I've been pretty protective of myself around MIL ever since then, so it would be really difficult to take down those walls. And whenever I have felt a deep betrayal of trust I have never fully been able to salvage the relationship back to a warm one.

As for DH I felt betrayed too, but at least we have communicated about it, so I'm not holding in a bunch of feelings.

It's an unpleasant situation, but you MIL has little to do with it. Since it's your husband who chose to tell his mom about your pregnancy, she can't promise it wont happen again. Additionally, say you were in her shoes, what would you do? If you tell your DIL that your son, her DH broke her trust, it might hurt their marriage. If you don't - well, you get what you just wrote. She was in a tricky position and her actions are understandable.

I would hope that I would tell my child not to lie to her spouse... and then later on he wanted to tell me and she talked him out of it.

Also, I'm not saying this to get DH off the hook, I totally admit this is 90% his fault. The difference is I have a means to work through that with him, whereas I don't have a direct line of communication with MIL and I'm not sure I want one.

Honestly, you sound like a drama queen. I do not support lies, but the way you are coming off, I sort of understand your DH lying about telling his mom. Other than that, you cannot understand him being excited and slipping and telling his mom? Then his mom doesn't want to get him in trouble so agrees to a deception to keep him from hearing your drama about telling his own mom about the pregnancy.
Op, you sound like you are 15 --move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What it comes down to was that your husband made a mistake telling his mother beforehand and that his mother was thoughtless about acting up to show that it was a surprise. I can tell from here your MIL likes drama!

It's not a big deal - your MIL is an idiot, and it looks as if she's doing that all the time now, so you knew that already!

Your husband should apologize for telling his mother in advance. No need to escalate with his mother. Move on.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are mad at the wrong person. Your DH broke your agreement and lied to you for 1.5 years! Your MIL probably thought she was trying to help save your relationship with your husband by covering his lie and she went a little overboard. I would try to let it go, it's in the past and there's nothing you can do about it now. Any grudges you hold need to be worked out with your DH, he is the one to blame.

Again, it may appear that way bc of the nature of my post, but that's only because I'm handling it with DH, so the DH part of it isn't really something I need feedback on (though if you have any let me know). So DH wanted to tell me at one point and MIL convinced him not to. That is another part of it I'm struggling with.

I don't think there's much to work through with your mother in law. She had an obnoxious phone conversation because your husband made a bad move. She was trying to protect your feelings. I don't see how she has any blame at all. If she has done things that bother you since then, by all means bring that up with her. But leave this long misstep out of your relationship with her.

If I care about it, I need to do something to address it. If you are saying I should leave this out, how should I do this? Should I divorce my DH if I can't get over it?

Also those were just examples of a pattern of truly obnoxious behavior that lasted at least two days.

I think you could benefit from talking to a therapist about this. Clearly the posters here are not understanding your issue and are not helping you resolve it. Maybe a family therapist could help you work it out.

I think the main disconnect is that no one else thinks your mother in law did anything wrong, so there is no rational reason for you to be mad at her. An what on earth is she supposed to apologize for? She was annoying for two days almost 2 years ago? When she was TRYING to be nice and spare your feelings? I just really don't see any issue at all here. She wasn't really being passive aggressive, she was PRETENDING because she thought it would make you feel better. If you feel like you have to discuss this with her, just have a normal conversation. Tell her you appreciate what he was trying to do, but in the future you would rather her not be complicit in your husband lying to you. This should really be something you should be able to laugh at by now.

You only found out two weeks ago, so I'm hoping your emotions are just running high now and soon this won't bother you at all anymore. You should treat your MIL with kindness and recognize that even though she was annoying those two days, she meant well. But if you are still bothered by this, definitely talk to a professional. Maybe he/she can guide you about how to build a better relationship.

I'm definitely going to talk to therapist about it.

You guys seem to be coming from a place of not believing that deception can set a bad tone for relationships. My experience has been that it definitely can, and has here. It's not the 2 days of annoyance that I'm upset about, it's the fact that they would lie to me forever about something they both knew I cared about.

[Anonymous]

What you've succeeded in doing is ensuring your DH (and probably ILs) think twice before being honest with you. What do they have to gain from it? Not much, it seems. This is what you'll also be teaching your kids. I feel sorry for your husband and predict divorce is in yoru future. You'd be much better off with someone better suited to your needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I agreed to tell our families about our pregnancy when we were all together at a family gathering (both our parents would be there). I was 17 weeks at the time of the gathering. I was nervous about miscarriage and also pretty sick, and knew it would make things worse for me if people knew. DH and I agreed we could each tell a few out of town friends.

After the pregnancy announcement MIL immediately became strangely passive-aggressive. Like "did so-and-so know before me?" and getting on the phone with people to tell them about the pregnancy and saying things in my earshot like "yeah, they're not finding the gender, yes, i know, what a horrible idea" - I let it go several times, and at some point I actually said to her directly "are you upset that we didn't tell you? We weren't intending anything malicious with that, we just wanted to celebrate together, and I wasn't comfortable telling anyone for awhile." That worked to stop the barrage of passive aggression, but she still remained annoying in general about the pregnancy, and something just felt off about it and I just felt like I couldn't really trust MIL after that. I kind of traced the deterioration of my relationship with her to that day.

So then about 1.5 years later, I am talking to DH about where things went wrong with his MIL, and I again traced it back to this trip. And he comes out with, there's something I should tell you about that. Apparently he had told his mom about the pregnancy and she was just overacting to keep that from me, that whole time. Even after she knew it was upsetting me.

I feel pretty betrayed, but I'm not sure what to do about it. MIL still doesn't know I know. I'm happy to hear advice such as "get over it, you're overreacting," but I'm not sure DCUM's invalidating my feelings will be enough for me. I can try to ignore it, but I feel hurt that MIL would think that building her relationship with me (not to mention my relationship with DH) on a lie was a good idea. I don't hold grudges in the sense of anger, but it's hard for me to feel trust for someone who hasn't unequivocally acknowledged doing anything wrong in a way that makes clear that it won't happen again. And at this point I've been pretty protective of myself around MIL ever since then, so it would be really difficult to take down those walls. And whenever I have felt a deep betrayal of trust I have never fully been able to salvage the relationship back to a warm one.

As for DH I felt betrayed too, but at least we have communicated about it, so I'm not holding in a bunch of feelings.

It's an unpleasant situation, but you MIL has little to do with it. Since it's your husband who chose to tell his mom about your pregnancy, she can't promise it wont happen again. Additionally, say you were in her shoes, what would you do? If you tell your DIL that your son, her DH broke her trust, it might hurt their marriage. If you don't - well, you get what you just wrote. She was in a tricky position and her actions are understandable.

I would hope that I would tell my child not to lie to her spouse... and then later on he wanted to tell me and she talked him out of it.

Also, I'm not saying this to get DH off the hook, I totally admit this is 90% his fault. The difference is I have a means to work through that with him, whereas I don't have a direct line of communication with MIL and I'm not sure I want one.

Honestly, you sound like a drama queen. I do not support lies, but the way you are coming off, I sort of understand your DH lying about telling his mom. Other than that, you cannot understand him being excited and slipping and telling his mom? Then his mom doesn't want to get him in trouble so agrees to a deception to keep him from hearing your drama about telling his own mom about the pregnancy.
Op, you sound like you are 15 --move on.

We have pretty different worldviews. I think the childish one is yours, but to each his own.

This is 1.5 years of strange interactions with his mother that I'm wondering if could have been different had this not happened. I'm not trying to be a drama queen. In fact, I'm trying hard to take the space I need and work through the emotions surrounding this so that this doesn't cause unnecessary drama.

[Anonymous]

You guys seem to be coming from a place of not believing that deception can set a bad tone for relationships. My experience has been that it definitely can, and has here. It's not the 2 days of annoyance that I'm upset about, it's the fact that they would lie to me forever about something they both knew I cared about.

So it WAS not being able to announce your pregnancy in the manner you desired.......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You hold on to things for far too long. 1.5 years later? Should not be an issue or even cross your mind. Also is it productive to discuss how your relationship went wrong with MIL? Why not focus on either improving it or improving your boundaries/expectations?

But I just learned about it a few weeks ago.

I'm asking how to improve it in light of this.

this issue is worthy of one big eye roll-- the mistake was to expect your husband to keep a secret that was evidently hard for him to do.
If your DH cannot hold water, then don't ask him too. In all honesty, I would be wondering what it is about ME and my reactions to stuff which why may be why my DH was willing to come up with this ruse.