Mixed children...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: No matter where I go people comment. It used to bother me but it really doesn't anymore because really, life is too short to let well-intentioned but clueless people get up your nose.

I have a standard response, which is to kind of chuckle and fling my hands up and say, "yeah, well that's genetics for you." For 95% of people that is a total conversation ender because really, what can you say to that. Those who persist in the conversation usually do so because they want to tell you their OWN story (ie "my son's wife is asian and I have the most beautiful little brown grandchildren" or whatever) in which case you can turn the conversation to them and not have to talk about yourself anymore, which is what they want anyway.

I think this is great advice. Our children watch us carefully in these (and all other) situations, and they often end up mirroring our feelings and following our lead for years to come. I personally like the idea of staying relaxed, light-hearted and gracious in the face of others' curiosity and even rudeness. If we're comfortable in our own skin it's way more likely our children will be comfortable in theirs.

Thanks to OP for starting this topic, by the way. What an interesting discussion!!

[Anonymous]

I look like the nanny and both my DH and I are white.

I think it is generous, and many PP's have said this, to think that others are trying to learn and know, and maybe it is not to judge, but maybe to understand why your child is SO beautiful.

I am always asking, and not to judge, but to connect. I love kids, in all colors, shapes, and sizes and want to connect to their parents. There is only so much I can assume...I am sorry if my questions hurt anyone. They are asked so that I do not make assumptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I look like the nanny and both my DH and I are white.

I think it is generous, and many PP's have said this, to think that others are trying to learn and know, and maybe it is not to judge, but maybe to understand why your child is SO beautiful.

I am always asking, and not to judge, but to connect. I love kids, in all colors, shapes, and sizes and want to connect to their parents. There is only so much I can assume...I am sorry if my questions hurt anyone. They are asked so that I do not make assumptions.

OP here: Oh no, please continue asking your questions. First of all, we can tell when the question originates from a kindred spirit..... I'm not always offended by the questions. My intention is not to "close people up" but to help understand things for myself (selfish on my part) and bring awareness to possible reactions.

[Anonymous]

We have mixed race kids. People stare all the time. Often we get nice comments like, "wow, we are just staring, because your kids are so beautiful". I love the interest in my kids and graciously say thank you to the lovely comments. My kids are there and I want them to feel good about themselves and not feel that the discussion is taboo. So often if someone is staring (usually in a nice way!), I will break the ice and smile at them to make is easier for them in case they want to ask. Life is too short to come up with those fancy evasive answers and tactics. I am also one of those people who accept friend requests on Facebook from anyone I know. Even if they were not a close friend. Again, life is too short to worry and think too hard about these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We met a couple in the park with twins. Mom was asian, dad was white - 1 twin was asian, 1 was white. I thought it was amazing! No judgment, just crazy how twins could be so totally different.

If they were both white, yet 1 looked like the dad and 1 like the mom, the difference just wouldnt be as apparent, but amazing nonetheless.

I come from a single race family where all 4 siblings look almost identical, so anytime I see siblings that look so different, I think its cool.

Sounds similar to my family We have three kids--one toddler and b/g twins. The toddler girl (brown eyes) and twin boy (blue/green eyes) looks more like my husband (Lebanese), while the twin girl (blue/green eyes) looks more like me (Chinese). While the kids definitely resemble us, it is difficult to discern their enthnicity by looking at them individually. I find that most people we encounter are just curious and/or fascinated by the kids backgrounds--what does an asian-arab baby look like?! Of course, I have to remember that we are living in a culturally diverse city. Our encounters might be entirely different if we were living in the middle of the U.S. somewhere.

When the kids are with our respective families, they are taught the various aspects of the two cultures; never do we tell them they belong to one or the other. Overall, our experiences have been positive. Who knows? Their ethnic ambiguity might prove to be an advantage in our ever evolving society.

[Anonymous]

Mixed-race kid here (black/white) who grew up in the area. I think it's great that we (the adults) all generally agree to take the attitude to not be bothered by what other people are thinking, and to try to assume that people are coming from a place of sincere interest as opposed to maliciousness, but let's pause for a moment and consider how it affects the kids. No matter what your race - to have some stranger ask your mother whether or not you are adopted within your earshot is not a good feeling. It is rude - pure and simple. In my opinion, it is also rude to ask someone what their ethnicity is before you even know their name. And it does impact the child. I still can remember feeling hurt by society's general inability to recognize that me and my mother are related when we're out in public. I would be standing right next to my mother, practically holding her hand, and salespeople would ask me if I was lost or if I needed some help. People would tell my mother that she had such pretty daughters, and then ask if we were adopted. Once I got old enough to understand that it was race that was motivating this reaction, I always appreciated that my mother gave a less-than-diplomatic response. She didn't let people off the hook for asking rude questions, and I loved her for it. So OP, I guess my advice to you would be yes, assume the best of people (i.e., that they're not asking with malicious motivations), but at the same time, that doesn't mean you have to launch into some explanation of your family tree every time a stranger gets curious and is not polite enough to hold themselves back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: In my opinion, it is also rude to ask someone what their ethnicity is before you even know their name. And it does impact the child.

She didn't let people off the hook for asking rude questions, and I loved her for it. So OP, I guess my advice to you would be yes, assume the best of people (i.e., that they're not asking with malicious motivations), but at the same time, that doesn't mean you have to launch into some explanation of your family tree every time a stranger gets curious and is not polite enough to hold themselves back.

PP, i'm glad somebody else understands the rudeness of asking for someone's ethnicity before even getting a first name out of them or anything beyond that. I'm an adult and when that happens to me, it irritates me to no end. I can't imagine if a child has to hear that shit all the while still developing her/his self-esteem and identity.

I'm very pleased that your mother was assertive enough to get the message across to the rude people, no matter how curious they may have been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: In my opinion, it is also rude to ask someone what their ethnicity is before you even know their name. And it does impact the child.

She didn't let people off the hook for asking rude questions, and I loved her for it. So OP, I guess my advice to you would be yes, assume the best of people (i.e., that they're not asking with malicious motivations), but at the same time, that doesn't mean you have to launch into some explanation of your family tree every time a stranger gets curious and is not polite enough to hold themselves back.

***

PP, i'm glad somebody else understands the rudeness of asking for someone's ethnicity before even getting a first name out of them or anything beyond that. I'm an adult and when that happens to me, it irritates me to no end. I can't imagine if a child has to hear that shit all the while still developing her/his self-esteem and identity.

I'm very pleased that your mother was assertive enough to get the message across to the rude people, no matter how curious they may have been.

"In my opinion, it is also rude to ask someone what their ethnicity is before you even know their name."

I don't feel that way. Handling rude questions is one thing, but I'd rather not give some complete stranger my name. If the person is asking because they are obviously curious as to why I look the way I do, I'll give them a brief answer to get me through the elevator ride, but I don't want to get into introductions with someone whose name I won't remember should I run into them on the metro in a year. Besides, sometimes they are horribly unsatisfied with my answer when I say, "I am from DC."

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who hates it when bi-racial children are refered to as "mixed"? Come on these are people, not two different breeds of animals that have mated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: In my opinion, it is also rude to ask someone what their ethnicity is before you even know their name. And it does impact the child.

She didn't let people off the hook for asking rude questions, and I loved her for it. So OP, I guess my advice to you would be yes, assume the best of people (i.e., that they're not asking with malicious motivations), but at the same time, that doesn't mean you have to launch into some explanation of your family tree every time a stranger gets curious and is not polite enough to hold themselves back.

***

PP, i'm glad somebody else understands the rudeness of asking for someone's ethnicity before even getting a first name out of them or anything beyond that. I'm an adult and when that happens to me, it irritates me to no end. I can't imagine if a child has to hear that shit all the while still developing her/his self-esteem and identity.

I'm very pleased that your mother was assertive enough to get the message across to the rude people, no matter how curious they may have been.

"In my opinion, it is also rude to ask someone what their ethnicity is before you even know their name."

I don't feel that way. Handling rude questions is one thing, but I'd rather not give some complete stranger my name. If the person is asking because they are obviously curious as to why I look the way I do, I'll give them a brief answer to get me through the elevator ride, but I don't want to get into introductions with someone whose name I won't remember should I run into them on the metro in a year. Besides, sometimes they are horribly unsatisfied with my answer when I say, "I am from DC."

I'm the poster you're quoting - I wasn't saying I want to give strangers my name, just that it's a rude question to ask of a stranger. Like you, I also don't want to get into introductions with people I will likely never see again - but quite frankly, have never had that happen in one of those "where are you from" or "what are you mixed with" encounters, because it never occurs to the person that it's a rude question to ask of a stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mixed-race kid here (black/white) who grew up in the area. I think it's great that we (the adults) all generally agree to take the attitude to not be bothered by what other people are thinking, and to try to assume that people are coming from a place of sincere interest as opposed to maliciousness, but let's pause for a moment and consider how it affects the kids. No matter what your race - to have some stranger ask your mother whether or not you are adopted within your earshot is not a good feeling. It is rude - pure and simple. In my opinion, it is also rude to ask someone what their ethnicity is before you even know their name. And it does impact the child. I still can remember feeling hurt by society's general inability to recognize that me and my mother are related when we're out in public. I would be standing right next to my mother, practically holding her hand, and salespeople would ask me if I was lost or if I needed some help. People would tell my mother that she had such pretty daughters, and then ask if we were adopted. Once I got old enough to understand that it was race that was motivating this reaction, I always appreciated that my mother gave a less-than-diplomatic response. She didn't let people off the hook for asking rude questions, and I loved her for it. So OP, I guess my advice to you would be yes, assume the best of people (i.e., that they're not asking with malicious motivations), but at the same time, that doesn't mean you have to launch into some explanation of your family tree every time a stranger gets curious and is not polite enough to hold themselves back.

Hi pp, op here. thank you for sharing your perspective. I really appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who hates it when bi-racial children are refered to as "mixed"? Come on these are people, not two different breeds of animals that have mated.

No, you are not the only one. My husband is black and I am white, I prefer bi-racial and also hate "mixed."

[Anonymous]

OP here. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced. I can't shield my children completely (I feel it's ok to shield them in the beginning as they are building their confidence and self esteem). I will show them what is beautiful about the West, the US in particular (as I am a true blooded, PROUD American. I love this country and all it stands for.) and the India I love (the philosophy, the humility, the culture, the "hunger"...). I will take comments regarding ethnicity as a compliment. Inspired by one of the Oscar speeches and something my father always taught me, I will choose love over hatred.

[Anonymous]

I don't mind mixed. I am half german and half indian and I love that i'm mixed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mixed-race kid here (black/white) who grew up in the area. I think it's great that we (the adults) all generally agree to take the attitude to not be bothered by what other people are thinking, and to try to assume that people are coming from a place of sincere interest as opposed to maliciousness, but let's pause for a moment and consider how it affects the kids. No matter what your race - to have some stranger ask your mother whether or not you are adopted within your earshot is not a good feeling. It is rude - pure and simple. In my opinion, it is also rude to ask someone what their ethnicity is before you even know their name. And it does impact the child. I still can remember feeling hurt by society's general inability to recognize that me and my mother are related when we're out in public. I would be standing right next to my mother, practically holding her hand, and salespeople would ask me if I was lost or if I needed some help. People would tell my mother that she had such pretty daughters, and then ask if we were adopted. Once I got old enough to understand that it was race that was motivating this reaction, I always appreciated that my mother gave a less-than-diplomatic response. She didn't let people off the hook for asking rude questions, and I loved her for it. So OP, I guess my advice to you would be yes, assume the best of people (i.e., that they're not asking with malicious motivations), but at the same time, that doesn't mean you have to launch into some explanation of your family tree every time a stranger gets curious and is not polite enough to hold themselves back.

Well, perhaps it was your mother's less than diplomatic response that taught you to be so sensitive to it. Just think if she took a different attitude and showed joy and pride over you no matter what the discussion, you may not feel this way. When people make comments, I usually reinforce it and say to my DC, "see how nice that woman was? That was such a nice compliment" or something like it.

I think you were trained to be overly sensitive to it (perhaps because of the times). Now mixed races in this area are so common, I know my kids do not think twice about it. so many of their friends have black/white, asian/white, lebanese/white, iranian/white, asian/black, etc. parents, that they feel this is the norm. I think the key is that they feel the mixed aspect is the norm.

People make strange comments in life, whether it is about race, height, weight, religion, etc. it is important to teach our kids what is the right way to react to each of these. I choose not to make my kids feel like they should have a chip on their shoulder at all times and too feel good about themselves.