Mixed children...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a parent of racially mixed children. One of my children looks like one race. The other looks like the other. Parents of mixed children, what advice can you give me? People always come up to me and say, "oh one looks like their dad and the other looks like you." Their dad is not even present. When I ask what they mean, they say, "One looks white and the other has your skin." It's so strange to me. When I was a kid, no one commented on my skin color. But all of a sudden, just because Dad is white, it's open to discussion.... Skin color wasn't even discussed in my circles. What will this mean for my kids? Also, will they feel like they belong? Will either race be accepting? What can I do to help in this situation? I wish I could read minds. Are people thinking positive thoughts. Sometimes, I don't think they are and it saddens me....

Thanks!

Best thing you can do is to be a positive role model and stop worrying about what other people are thinking. Transmit positive, constructive values on issues of race and color. If your own life experiences haven't given you the tools to do this then it's time to do some reading and soul-searching so that you can.

[Anonymous]

I may be about to go through this. I'm black and DH is white. DD is a fair-skinned blue-eyed blonde. Baby #2 is due next week. At first I prayed that my children would share the same skin color, esp. if #2 turns out to be a girl. But I realized there are so many more important things to worry about. It's a shame that people never let you forget your appearance -- they judge constantly -- if you are female.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I may be about to go through this. I'm black and DH is white. DD is a fair-skinned blue-eyed blonde. Baby #2 is due next week. At first I prayed that my children would share the same skin color, esp. if #2 turns out to be a girl. But I realized there are so many more important things to worry about. It's a shame that people never let you forget your appearance -- they judge constantly -- if you are female.

I have a black friend, whose husband is also black -- both are fair-skinned. Their (now adult) daughter has an extremely dark complexion, and my friend's been asked all her life about her daughter. You just can't escape it, it seems, even in a family with identical ethnic backgrounds.

In my case, I'm white, and my son looks white, but my husband (his father) is another race. I get asked all the time if this is my husband's child. Personally, I think having a lighthearted attitude/response works best, and can be subtly educational at the same time.

Best wishes with your pending delivery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a parent of racially mixed children. One of my children looks like one race. The other looks like the other. Parents of mixed children, what advice can you give me? People always come up to me and say, "oh one looks like their dad and the other looks like you." Their dad is not even present. When I ask what they mean, they say, "One looks white and the other has your skin." It's so strange to me. When I was a kid, no one commented on my skin color. But all of a sudden, just because Dad is white, it's open to discussion.... Skin color wasn't even discussed in my circles. What will this mean for my kids? Also, will they feel like they belong? Will either race be accepting? What can I do to help in this situation? I wish I could read minds. Are people thinking positive thoughts. Sometimes, I don't think they are and it saddens me....

Thanks!

Why is it okay for you to mention that your DH is white but not tell us your race? Sounds like you are hung up on race as well.

Yeah, I noticed the Tiger Woods response, too. I get the vibe that she's black with a creamy-hued complexion and her other child (I'm guessing a daughter) is darker and with the "wrong" hair and she feels uncomfortable when people make comments.

Without further clarification, my advice: get some therapy now for your resentment.

Wow, jump to wrong conclusions much?

Are you OP? What race do others perceive you as that causes you to fret about what other people say or think about your darker child?

[Anonymous]

My daughter is mixed-race, and I found the book "Does Anybody Else Look Like Me?: A Parent's Guide To Raising Multiracial Children" to be an interesting read. I didn't agree with everything the author had to say, but it's a thoughtful discussion of the subject (with some very interesting anecdotal content as well). You might want to check it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a parent of racially mixed children. One of my children looks like one race. The other looks like the other. Parents of mixed children, what advice can you give me? People always come up to me and say, "oh one looks like their dad and the other looks like you." Their dad is not even present. When I ask what they mean, they say, "One looks white and the other has your skin." It's so strange to me. When I was a kid, no one commented on my skin color. But all of a sudden, just because Dad is white, it's open to discussion.... Skin color wasn't even discussed in my circles. What will this mean for my kids? Also, will they feel like they belong? Will either race be accepting? What can I do to help in this situation? I wish I could read minds. Are people thinking positive thoughts. Sometimes, I don't think they are and it saddens me....

Thanks!

Why is it okay for you to mention that your DH is white but not tell us your race? Sounds like you are hung up on race as well.

Yeah, I noticed the Tiger Woods response, too.

What is the "tiger woods response"?

[Anonymous]

I am white. My husband is Asian. And I post that because I think there IS a difference in how biracial children (and interracial marraige) are perceived depending on the races involved. So take this for what it is worth...

In my area, we encounter Asian/white "mixed" kids occasionally. Not every day, but its not terribly uncommon. Black/white biracial children are less frequent in my area.

Perhaps it is because my children don't look much like me, or perhaps it is because I am in a biracial marraige, but I DO notice other biracial couples/kids. I think there is some feeling of... I don't know... community? knowing that you're not the ONLY ones out there. I find myself looking at other people's kids frequently... mostly because I think the kids are beautiful. I hope I'm not gawking at them.

I have had people ask if my kids are adopted. I have had people comment that they don't look anything like me. I have had people look around, looking for my child's parent (and looking right past me) when I am not standing right next to him.

I have personally never been offended by any of this. I think NONE of these people have been racist, or even particularly insensitive. I think they simply are having a natural reaction to confronting something that they don't see everyday. I readily admit that some people ARE racist, but I think that those people are going to: 1) just sneer at you from afar, or 2) if they're bolder, say something outright nasty. I'm sure I will encounter this sooner or later, and frankly I don't know how I'll react to that when the day comes.

But really, I'd encourage the OP to view these comments (and react to these comments) with some sympathy and understanding. I realize some people make dumb assumptions, but mostly I think they are well meaning people who perhaps just haven't been exposed to many biracial couples/kids. This isn't a crime, and it doesn't make them bad people. It is merely a reflection of the times we live in...

[Anonymous]

Mixed children are not that uncommon around here. I personally think that this will be the look of the future America - a blend of beige/caramel color that is hard to nail down to one race or ethnicity. And as a tangential comment - have you seen the winners of Gap's cutest kid contest? 3 of the 4 winners were kids of mixed race. And they were cute indeed!

[zumbamama]

I am mixed Asian/White. My kids are technically 1/4 Asian, 3/4 white...but one looks very Asian, one looks completely white. I get questions, looks, but I don't mind them. People are just curious. My husband (white) gets questions when he is out with our Asian looking son. People ask, where is his mother from? I get looks/questions when I'm with my white-looking DD. I say, oh she looks her Dad, my son looks like me.

When I see mixed raced couples/families, I'm smiling inside because I think it's beautiful. If I hear an accent, I'll probably ask where he/she is from, or how to say hello in their language. Talking about culture doesn't have to be hush-hush...it can be a ice-breaker or a learning moment.

I teach my kids that all colors are beautiful. And that we have many colors in our family. I was happy to let them watch documentaries on Obama's multiracial upbringing, to reinforce the whole melting pot mentality of our country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mixed children are not that uncommon around here. I personally think that this will be the look of the future America - a blend of beige/caramel color that is hard to nail down to one race or ethnicity. And as a tangential comment - have you seen the winners of Gap's cutest kid contest? 3 of the 4 winners were kids of mixed race. And they were cute indeed!

I agree with this. People like Obama, Keanu Reeves, Ann Curry, Tiger Woods ... who else ... will be the future demographic. A few months ago there was an article about white people becoming a minority in 2042.

I'm Asian, DH is white and DD has blonde hair. I have olive-y skin. People often and openly make a comment or inquiry. Her skin is so fair. Her hair is so light. Is her father blonde? It hasn't bothered me and nobody has asked me if DD is adopted. I know people can make flippant remarks (unintentionally) which can be hurtful and offensive, but I'm not offended and I think people are curious. My primary concern now is her identity and how she will fare in her tween/teen years.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are both "mixed" but we both consider ourselves and our children African American, even though they look racially very ambiguous. OP, people who make comments about your childrens' appearance or ask about their parents are RUDE. They may not be racist, they may be well-intentioned, but they are rude nonetheless. Just because you see something interesting/different doesn't give you the right to comment or ask questions. In my opinion, the only appropriate comment to make about other childrens' appearance is along the lines of "what lovely children!" Asking about parentage or ethnic background may be due to benign interest but it's still RUDE. Keep your questions to yourself.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP. I forgot to give my recommendation for a response to people who ask questions: "Why do you ask?" That usually helps them remember their manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP. I forgot to give my recommendation for a response to people who ask questions: "Why do you ask?" That usually helps them remember their manners.

My friend who is half white, half Korean says he is tired of people asking him "what are you?
It's usually asked by other asians.
So now, when someone asks him "what are you? He tells them "I'm a human being." And smile

[Anonymous]

I am very proud of my mixed children, and when people ask me whether they are mixed,I don't hesitate to tell them. More often than not, people assume I am their nanny because I have blue eyes and blond hair. It isn't until they see that my kids have blue eyes as well that they realize I could be their mother. I find it funny, and I don't take offense in people's curiosity about my children's race.

But before I had children, there was a tiny moment when I was sad that my children would likely look nothing like me. Now I know that even though they may not look exactly like me, they still have some of my features and they definitely have some of my character.

They are still little so they haven't been faced with questions about their looks yet. But even kids would sometimes ask me about why they look different than I do, and I always am happy to explain that they are both white and black. My kids also have different complexions, one is somewhat pale, one is darker skinned.

Maybe my outlook will change as they get older, but for now I look at my children as nature's beautiful way of combining the genes of two people who on the outside may look different but are ultimately united by their love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP. I forgot to give my recommendation for a response to people who ask questions: "Why do you ask?" That usually helps them remember their manners.

I'll try to remember to stay far away from you and not engage in ice-breaking conversation.....

I have a mixed race foster child and I get people asking questions all the time. Maybe most of them don't bother me because I'm not his biological mother, but some comments are hurtful, even if they're meant in a positive way. One person said I was doing a good job because his skin looked like it had gotten lighter since he'd been with us. Huh?? That's the kind of ignorant comment I hope he never hears.