worried about my single and 35 year old sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you think you're going to tell her that she doesn't know? Do you think she isn't aware of online dating? Do you think she doesn't know she's overweight?

Aside from the issue of if she's running out of time (I would agree she absolutely is), your "helpful input" isn't likely to be great for your relationship with your sister. Dating advice from a married sibling is about as annoying as it comes, no matter how well intentioned. It treats the single person like they're stupid.

Unless she asks, I'd leave the topic alone and focus on having a great sisterly relationship.

NP: Seriously, I'm sure PP here has good intentions, but this is what drives me frickin' BATTY about DCUM! Everyone is too scared and too conflict-averse to actually ENGAGE IN CARING CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE THEY LOVE!!! WTF???

OP this is your sister. OF COURSE you should engage her on this. I'm in my 40s, married, 2 kids, relatively happy. But you know what? I didn't get here all by myself. I had patterns in the past that kept me from meeting guys who would actually make sense to settle down with. I met my DH when I was 37 and was lucky to be able to have kids at 39 and 41. But those bad patterns I had? It took LOVING FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO CARED ABOUT ME to give me some seriously needed feedback about how I present myself, what they think is driving my choices in men (not usually good choices), what had helped them work through similar situations/issues, and then loving me through my struggles ot figure myself out.

I'm not saying your sister has some huge issues to figure out. There are generally way more single women than single men of any age, so I get it, it could just be the odds are against her. But just in case there ARE issues affecting her self-confidence, you should talk to her about it. Ask her what her social life has been like the last 5 or 10 years. What makes her happy socially? What bums her out? How does she feel she presents herself when in public or with guys she likes? Does she have any male friends and has she ever asked them for advice? That was a HUGELY helpful step for me. My male friends told me things about how I appear in public and how it might drive a lot of guys away that I'd never even considered.

But no matter what, she is your sister. No matter who the person is - friend, neighbor, co-worker - if you care about them and they seem to be worried about something, don't be afraid to reach out. At minimum, ask caring questions and be an ear. But even better, offer your take, offer to help them think about solutions, resources, others to talk to...whatever. But for someoen who has diminished self-esteem, or may have anxieties or fears you have no idea about, or whatever it is, having someone care enough to ask and offer to help them process steps to take towards more happiness is welcomed/needed the vast majority of the time.

All this tip-toeing around loved ones, especially when they say they themselves are concerned, is absolutely mind-boggling to me. Is this really what people want their kids to learn from them, that when something is wrong or you see someone else struggling, you don't reach out unless they ask you to? Really? Sometimes people will be mad or angry or reject your offer of help. If you meant it in good intentions, so it goes, just keep moving on with your life. But the number of people so hurt/sad/isolated/shy that they would NEVER ask for help but actually really really want or need it... it's worth the risk because most will want someone to care and talk to.

Sorry OP, rant over! But please to reach out to your sis and if she's open to it, talk to her about her social life and help her unpack it and figure out what she could do differently to boost her own self-confidence and expose herself to more friends and potential boyfriends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 35, single, and USED to really want to get married and have kids.

Then people around me started getting married and having kids, and I realized that it changes everything, and isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'm privy to the exhausting marital challenges of family/friends, and the changes/challenges of having kids. And it's really, really decreased my interest. I'm in no rush. I don't envy my family/friends. I enjoy the time to play Awesome Auntie to all the kiddies, but I also enjoy the freedom to pursue my own interests and hobbies. I feel fulfilled and happy!

OP, unless your sister *really* truly asks for your help, I would stay out of it. You really risk damaging the relationship without her explicit asking for your involvement. It's possible to have a fulfilling life without marriage/kids, and it's possible that maybe she's not really that interested in marriage/kids, but says so because that's just the expected thing to say.

But the key, the KEY here is what her sister wants for herself. If she feels she wants a husband and kids, then her sister SHOULD talk to her about how she is trying to get there and what else she might do. No question though: her sister getting to a place where she's happy with HERSELF is always the first and most important thing. OP's sister does not sound happy, but OP can talk to her about that part.

Your situation PP is that you are now happy. Cool, that is great for you, and you're not alone, there are many women or women and men who get to that point and realize that's not what they want. Cool, you're in a place you're happy to be. But do NOT make the mistake of thinking that that is where all women will get to. If it's a big deal for a woman now that she's single, or that she doesnt have kids, you have NO IDEA whether she'll turn out ot be someone who would be happy with not trying further, or who would regret not doing everything she could when she could to try to find those things. Of course it's never too late to find a partner/boyfriend/husband, people get married in their 80s so that's not the time-limited thing. But having kids with a husband - that is time-limited.

Maybe OPs sis isn't' as worried or unhappy as she thinks, and if that's true, cool, she should just keep being a good sister. But she needs to ASK, she needs to engage her sister. Making assumptions that she'll end up content in the same way as you are is awful, and her sis may need some real caring attention to face processing what she will need to do to make herself happy, if indeed she is nto at all where she wants to be in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is not an asshole. Her sister wants to get married and have kids, but she has not had a relationship in 15 years and is significantly overweight and is 35. Taken together, its a set of circumstances that are challenging. I am guessing that not being in a relationship and being overweight are linked for her, and not just in the obvious ways of limiting the pool of interested men. Perhaps being overweight is a way of protecting her from vulnerability. If she is unhappy with her relationship status, or her weight, or both, she should find a really excellent therapist. A dating service isn't going to do much if she's not internally ready.

As for stories of getting married later: well, I had relationships in my later 20s and early 30s, but had intimacy issues too, and instead of being overweight I was too thin, but the roots were similar (control issues). Did therapy in my early-mid 30s to figure out why I seemed unable to be in a normal, committed loving relationship, along with dealing with body issues. Transformed my life. Met my now DH when I was 37, had kids at 38 and 40 (but I have ucky genetics, my mom did not go into menopause until 58 and was fertile into her 40s). This would not have happened if I had not done the internal work. I changed how I felt about myself, changed the kinds of men I dated, and allowed myself to be truly vulnerable.

This is so important. If you take 10 women age 35 and single, and looked at why they're single, you would get all sorts of reasons and NO ONE can assume the same approach will work for everyone:

* Some may live somewhere where there just arent' enough single hetero men, no matter how much you're out there and looking.

* Some may really want a partner and kid, but have issues they are very aware of (like intimacy issues, self-esteem issues, weight issues, life events (caring for older parent all-consuming), but haven't been able to figure out how to work through or work around and could use a loving ear and mind to help them think it through more or get them to supports they didn't know about/were afraid to use

* Some may want a partner and kid and have issues they are NOT aware of, and need a loving someone to help them think about it and see any issues they haven't faced (that is about being happy in general, forget men and kids! That is key no matter what you want in life).

* Some may only think they want a husband and kids, because society tells them they have to want those things, but they don't really. Reaching out and engaging them isn't going to change that, and sometimes it helps them realize they don't really want it. Still, reaching out because you love them is a good thing, and if this is who they are, cool, accept that.

* and some may be so caught up in something else, they just can't or won't pay attention to their own happiness or what they want, and this just isn't the time for them to pay attention to their relationship or kid situation. Even if later, if they start to focus, it might be too late.

But in ALL Of these cases, a loving person who is checking in because they care and they are willing to be a "thought partner" in the person exploring what they want, what they've tried ot get it, how they feel about not having it, how important it is (or not important), and what new/different things they're willing to try to get it if they want it.... that can never be a bad thing. Even if they don't react well or the offer is taken the wrong way. Way more often than not, it opens a door they didn't realize they could walk through. It's worth the risk.

[Anonymous]

By the way PP I quoted above ^^^ , I loved your post and was just trying to say that it's basically always a good idea to look at whether you're happy or not and what you can do for yourself or others to explore what it might take to get more stable/self-content. You did the hard work, and it led to great results. It's hard to get from "not there" to "there", but stories like yours show that it can really take looking in new directions to get there. And most of us, if we knew where to look on our own or could just go there, we would. Some of us need prompting or exposure or reflection from aloving eye to get there. Your story is great!