He signed away his parental rights

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently started seeing this guy and things are going pretty good so far.
Except one thing kinda bothers me. He has a six year old son that he had with and former girlfriend that now lives with her parents and is in the process of being formally adopted by them.

Shortly after his birth, both him and his former GF signed away their parental rights to the child.
The GF because she was in prison and the guy I am seeing because he says he wasn't in a good place financially and didn't think he could be a good father and provide for his son. I get a hunch that he didn't want to pay child support for eighteen years.

My problem is that I have a six year old son and I cannot even imagine absolving my parental rights no matter what. If I had to peddle apples on the street corner, I would.
I like this guy, but this really bothers me that he could do something like this.
Is this a deal breaker?

OK, I'm going to be contrary.

First, I don't think it's fair to compare your child with his. Was your child planned for and expected? Was his? What I'm trying to say is suppose his ex GF accidentally-on-purpose got prego in a way to "trap" him (which is unthinkable, yeah, but we're talking a jailbird here) or something. His feelings about the child are probably very much different than yours.

Second, he came clean and told you the truth about something he likely knew you'd have some issue with. If he were a real scumbag trying to get out of something, would he have bothered?

Third, at the time it sounded like he was handed a bunch of bad choices and he had to make the least-crappy one that worked best for the kid. The *easy* thing would have been to abort the baby, and they didn't go that route. I gotta hand them all credit for that.

Main thing you have to decide is if you're subconsciously looking for a way out of this relationship and thinking this could be an excuse.

No one here knows the guy or the situation like you do. But as for me and what I've heard so far, I'm inclined to give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

Lord almighty I detest this line of thinking, as if pregnancy can happy by a vengeful slut on her own. TWO people have sex. TWO people take the equal risk of pregnancy. And at 26, he should own up to it.

So it's totally outside the realm of possibility that some unstable woman (and given that she's in prison, I'd say there's instability there) would lie about being on birth control so as to trap her baby daddy into a more formal relationship?

Man, this forum is so eager to damn someone they don't even know. Welcome to the Internet, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH had a baby when he was an 18 year old wild child and trouble maker, managed to put himself through college and now DS is getting ready to go to college. He's a great dad.

For someone to do this at TWENTY SIX?! To paraphrase Maya Angeleou - he's showing you who he is - believe him.

Although I often feel like I'm the only one, I'm not. I got pregnant at 18 and my boyfriend was 21, turning 22. We married three years later. Despite my husband's age, he worked full time and attended evening college classes to graduate. He's now two semester's away from his master's degree. Our first born will be in college when I'm in my 30's but he's an honor roll student and great kid. My Dh has never turned his back on him and he was years younger than your boyfriend. I would think he would at least be trying to help support the child financially, even if he signed over his rights.

"When people show you their true colors, don't try to paint a different picture".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So, is every mother who gives her child up for adoption because she doesn't feel she can raise the child also going to get this "run away" advice when some male asks this question?

It doesn't sound like a typical adoption situation.
Parents were unstable, grandparents stepped in, 26 year old dad didn't want to pay child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently started seeing this guy and things are going pretty good so far.
Except one thing kinda bothers me. He has a six year old son that he had with and former girlfriend that now lives with her parents and is in the process of being formally adopted by them.

Shortly after his birth, both him and his former GF signed away their parental rights to the child.
The GF because she was in prison and the guy I am seeing because he says he wasn't in a good place financially and didn't think he could be a good father and provide for his son. I get a hunch that he didn't want to pay child support for eighteen years.

My problem is that I have a six year old son and I cannot even imagine absolving my parental rights no matter what. If I had to peddle apples on the street corner, I would.
I like this guy, but this really bothers me that he could do something like this.
Is this a deal breaker?

OK, I'm going to be contrary.

First, I don't think it's fair to compare your child with his. Was your child planned for and expected? Was his? What I'm trying to say is suppose his ex GF accidentally-on-purpose got prego in a way to "trap" him (which is unthinkable, yeah, but we're talking a jailbird here) or something. His feelings about the child are probably very much different than yours.

Second, he came clean and told you the truth about something he likely knew you'd have some issue with. If he were a real scumbag trying to get out of something, would he have bothered?

Third, at the time it sounded like he was handed a bunch of bad choices and he had to make the least-crappy one that worked best for the kid. The *easy* thing would have been to abort the baby, and they didn't go that route. I gotta hand them all credit for that.

Main thing you have to decide is if you're subconsciously looking for a way out of this relationship and thinking this could be an excuse.

No one here knows the guy or the situation like you do. But as for me and what I've heard so far, I'm inclined to give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

Lord almighty I detest this line of thinking, as if pregnancy can happy by a vengeful slut on her own. TWO people have sex. TWO people take the equal risk of pregnancy. And at 26, he should own up to it.

So it's totally outside the realm of possibility that some unstable woman (and given that she's in prison, I'd say there's instability there) would lie about being on birth control so as to trap her baby daddy into a more formal relationship?

Man, this forum is so eager to damn someone they don't even know. Welcome to the Internet, I guess.

Sure, she can lie. That's still the risk he takes when he has unprotected (meaning his penis) sex with someone. Right up there with condom breaking, etc. He still carries the risk and the kid is still 50% his doing and responsibility. No one forced him to put his sperm in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So, is every mother who gives her child up for adoption because she doesn't feel she can raise the child also going to get this "run away" advice when some male asks this question?

They should, if he has a young kid the same age.

+1 the adoption of his six year old son is being finalized now.
OP has a six year old now. Don't you think this affects their compatibility as a couple?
OP's priority is her son - this guy has way different priorities, clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So, is every mother who gives her child up for adoption because she doesn't feel she can raise the child also going to get this "run away" advice when some male asks this question?

Um if a 26 yo woman gives her child up for adoption I am going to have serious questions about her ability to be a long term relationship partner/potential parent. There are very few situations where I could envision a sane stable mid 20s woman doing this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not only about the money.
It's about the responsibility.
I know of 2 women who had to sign a prenup that if they got pregnant, they had to terminate the fetus.

This is not legal.

Why would someone make up such allegations if they were not true?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not only about the money.
It's about the responsibility.
I know of 2 women who had to sign a prenup that if they got pregnant, they had to terminate the fetus.

This is not legal.

Why would someone make up such allegations if they were not true?

NP here. They may have signed it, that doesn't mean it is enforceable as PP noted. However, it does make me seriously question the competence of the attorney that drafted it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So, is every mother who gives her child up for adoption because she doesn't feel she can raise the child also going to get this "run away" advice when some male asks this question?

They should, if he has a young kid the same age.

I agree given that the adoption process is ongoing rather than 6 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Most judges will not grant a termination of parental rights with a very good reason. Things like a long history of drug abuse, which includes an inability to care got themselves and child abuse. If someone else is trying to adoption, they will allow it.

Just because he didn't have the financial and emotional resources? I'm not buying it.

[Anonymous]

For*

[Anonymous]

Ugh, withOUT a good reason.

I'm too distracted to type today.

[Anonymous]

You know what to do here, OP.

Run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most judges will not grant a termination of parental rights with a very good reason. Things like a long history of drug abuse, which includes an inability to care got themselves and child abuse. If someone else is trying to adoption, they will allow it.

Just because he didn't have the financial and emotional resources? I'm not buying it.

There are several kinds of adoption. Newborn and older child adoption is very easy if the biological parents consent. My son's birthmom parented her older child and placed her younger with us. She's a great parent with a great kid. She was not in a position to parent two kids. If she had a 3rd child and parented I would fully support it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most judges will not grant a termination of parental rights with a very good reason. Things like a long history of drug abuse, which includes an inability to care got themselves and child abuse. If someone else is trying to adoption, they will allow it.

Just because he didn't have the financial and emotional resources? I'm not buying it.

OP, didn't share whether or not he has substance abuse issues, a criminal history, etc. The court would have referred him to social services if he mentioned deep, financial problems, something is probably wrong with him. Many single families struggle financially. Unless there's some sort of severe child abuse or the parent is an out of control addict that has proven to the courts it's in the child's best interest to have him sign away his parental rights, it's not happening. He could have co-parented with GS's parents. There was support there if he needed it. It sure sounds like he isn't close to his family or wasn't six years ago. This little kid has been abandoned by both parents and is at an age where he is aware of it.

Is he even gainfully employed? What exactly is it that you like about him, OP?