Do you have a child that is gay or bi?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't talked to many people who are gay/lesbian, have you?

You don't have to be gay to know the answer to this. Even if you are straight, when was your first "crush"? Most people have their first crush when they are 10-13. It may not be a direct correlation but most people have a pretty good idea of who they are attracted to at an early age. Whether or not they admit it to themselves is another thread.

I had my first crush when I was 3, on Scott, the little boy in my carpool to nursery school. Then, I had my second crush in 1st grade when I was 5, on Matthew. In second grade, at age 6, I had a crush on Craig, because he was cute and very smart. Lest you worry this equals sluttiness, I didn't do more than kiss until I was in college, and have had sex with a whopping total of two men, the second of whom I married.

Kudos to you. A lot of gay and bi people are known for constantly hooking up and having several relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who say they knew when their kid was 4 or 6 or whatever -- how? Is it just that they acted different from their siblings and had different interests? I'd like to think it isn't the stereotypical -- he's a boy but he won't play with trucks or sports and he'd rather play with an ez-bake oven, but is that what it was?

Hmmm ... I don't know what it was specifically when he was a little boy. He was very active, very into sports, happy to play cars. He has two sisters and was equally happy to play with their stuff, playing house, etc., but he'd always dump them if a little neighbor boy came by to go ride bikes or play ball. He had very specific opinions about his clothes and hair, but also had no problem going outside and getting as dirty as all the other boys.

But I do remember telling him when he was 7, there's a word for when boys like boys and girls like girls, in the way that makes your heart happy and you think you want to marry them, and that word is gay. I remember how his whole body relaxed and then happiness washed over his face, to know this feeling that's different from everyone else, has a name. That kind of confirmed it for me, and DH then made it a point to point out gay men who were happy and successful in life, so he'd see people like himself in grownup form. One time he was home sick in middle school and watching rerun after rerun of Will & Grace. He turned to me and said "I don't want to be like Jack when I grow up. I want to be like Will."

You don't know if you are gay that early. You know after puberty. Saying that he should be with men is going to confuse him. Wait until afterer puberty when the hormones kick in.

Every single thing you said is wrong. Firstly if you ask most gay or lesbian people when they knew they were gay, they will tell you it was preschool/elementary school age. They may not have known the word for it, but they knew they were different. Secondly, we never told DS he should date men. We just pointed out gay people who were doing well in all facets of life and were happy, so he could have role models. It was subtle and if it'd meant nothing to DS he wouldn't have picked up on it. He was never confused about who he was attracted to. I remember him saying in 5th or 6th grade, "I don't think I'm going to ever get married," and my husband ruffling his hair and responding, "I think your time will come; keep an eye out." DS meant he didn't think he'd be allowed to get married. He knew if he got married it would be to a boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does a 13 year old know what they are? It's one thing to find one or the other sex "attractive", it's another to be having sex with them...

How did you know you were straight before you had sex? Sexuality is about more than sex, it's about emotional intimacy and relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't talked to many people who are gay/lesbian, have you?

You don't have to be gay to know the answer to this. Even if you are straight, when was your first "crush"? Most people have their first crush when they are 10-13. It may not be a direct correlation but most people have a pretty good idea of who they are attracted to at an early age. Whether or not they admit it to themselves is another thread.

I had my first crush when I was 3, on Scott, the little boy in my carpool to nursery school. Then, I had my second crush in 1st grade when I was 5, on Matthew. In second grade, at age 6, I had a crush on Craig, because he was cute and very smart. Lest you worry this equals sluttiness, I didn't do more than kiss until I was in college, and have had sex with a whopping total of two men, the second of whom I married.

Kudos to you. A lot of gay and bi people are known for constantly hooking up and having several relationships.

Different poster here: please give a citation for your opinion because it sounds more like a stereotype than a fact.

[Anonymous]

My oldest son came out as being gay. It was difficult for DH and I to accept, so we more or less disowned him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest son came out as being gay. It was difficult for DH and I to accept, so we more or less disowned him.

I'm sure he's better off without you anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Especially in teen girls and even more so in teen girls with mental health problems it seems to be very common to experiment with orientations. If they are struggling with identity, it makes sense they are struggling in all realms.

Same as how 50-60% of homeless kids identify as non-straight. Part of the culture. Teens in foster care/group homes also have much higher rates of non straight orientations.

When development hits big barriers (abuse, trauma, neglect, mental illness) one would expect that really all parts of development process would be impacted, including sexual orientation. People who identify as non straight report far more early life trauma.

Did you ever think that these kids are being kicked out of their homes for being gay/bi?

That may be true for a very small proportion but for the most part it isn't. These aren't kids from great homes that are anti-gay. It is rarely situations where parents and straight sibs are at home having a great life and just this one child gets kicked out or leaves because s/he is gay. These are mostly kids from quite dysfunctional homes where there are tons of issues, and their parents and sibs are also having issues. And often these teens don't self-identity as non-straight until they are on the street.

Link to reference on all of this info? It seems like a lot of assumptions if you are not getting this from an actual study of homeless children and frankly it seems really unconvincing.

I write this as a physician who specializes in adolescent medicine and one sub-area of expertise is on LGBT adolescents. The first poster is using statistics incorrectly. Homeless LGBT youth end up on the street because of familial rejection of their sexual minority status. There is no data which suggests that family dysfunction causes homosexuality or gender discordance. I would recommend that s/he examine the following data from thinkprogress.org.:

http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2012/07/12/515641/study-40-percent-of-homeless-youth-are-lgbt-family-rejection-is-leading-cause/#

Another reference from the Society for Adolescent Health and Medicine:

https://www.adolescenthealth.org/SAHM_Main/media/Advocacy/Positions/Apr-13-LGBT-Position-Final.pdf

You apparently are not very well read.

I could show you dozens of studies like these that show a connection between early childhood traumas and sexual minority orientation
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20395586
http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs10508-010-9636-x

Youth in the fostercare system have a much higher prevalence of identifying as non-straight as well. If you really think that most kids who live in group homes are there because their awesome families kicked them out, you have never spent much time with kids in care. Most come from extremely dysfunctional families. same with youth who are homeless. A recent study (I'll find the link) said that 50-70% of youth who are on the streets identify as non-straight. Again, you will find that their homes are not all wonderful and that they were kicked out due to identifying as LGBT+. I highly doubt you work with homeless youth if they really think they are only on the streets because of family rejection for their sexual orientation and that all their straight siblings are happy and healthy and living wonderful lives with accepting, loving parents.

There are also studies showing that sexual orientation identity is quite fluid between the years of 15-22 with many identifying differently at 22 then they did at 15 or 16 or 17.

I think it is foolish to say that we know exactly how sexual orientation develops for every person and that it is the same for all. Some may clearly know and never question it but similar to personality development, I think that for others life events, particularly childhood trauma can shape that development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Kudos to you. A lot of gay and bi people are known for constantly hooking up and having several relationships.

And a lot of straight people are known for constantly expressing foolish opinions about people who are gay or bi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Kudos to you. A lot of gay and bi people are known for constantly hooking up and having several relationships.

And a lot of straight people are known for constantly expressing foolish opinions about people who are gay or bi.

I'm not straight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Kudos to you. A lot of gay and bi people are known for constantly hooking up and having several relationships.

And a lot of straight people are known for constantly expressing foolish opinions about people who are gay or bi.

I'm not straight

Regardless, neither of you has given a citation for the claim/cliche that any particular demographic or sexual orientation is more likely to hook up than to pair off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Kudos to you. A lot of gay and bi people are known for constantly hooking up and having several relationships.

And a lot of straight people are known for constantly expressing foolish opinions about people who are gay or bi.

I'm not straight

That's fine. I'm not homophobic. I believe that gay and bi people can be just as foolish as straight people.