Just out of curiosity.....

[Anonymous]

I'd like to think it was equal, but if it came down to it, I guess I'd have to say that being a parent comes first. Our responsibility to the kids seem greater than to our spouses. If I don't cook, clean, work or speak to my spouse she'll get pissed and leave, but she's self sufficient and can survive. Kids, especially smaller ones, aren't even half of the way there. In addition to basic needs, they learn how to be a "person" from us. The responsibility is greater, so the love, for me at least, is greater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I can't relate to anything you're saying,OP. There is really no comparison for me. I unconditionally love my son. He is my absolute priority and my husband completely understands and supports this. Makes me think your bond with your children is weak or nonexistent.

NP here. Your dig about OP's child-bond is weak and reveals either jealousy, insecurity, or both.

Of course a person's natural, unconditional bond with a dependent child is usually stronger. Effortlessly stronger. That's why it is SO important to put your marriage first. Marriages are ultimately more fragile. Your kids will always be your kids. Your H may not always be your H.

My husband and myself are my top priorities. My child is more dependent on me and of course his immediate needs must be taken care of before a self-sufficient adult's; my DH and I agree on that. But our son will do better in life if he knows he is not the center of the universe and when he sees the strong love between his parents. We are our first priority, and our son is going to be a better man for it.

[Anonymous]

Np here, I agree.

[Anonymous]

My parents always put themselves and their marriage first. Always.
They have been very happily married for 50 years. It IS nice to have happily married parents because I do not worry in the least about their marriage or loneliness, etc.

The only problem is that we kids knew that we rarely came first. We knew that we were a second priority because their decisions, small and large, over the years have reflected that.

Trust me, that is NOT a good feeling and it has negatively impacted the adult parent/child relationships. We all feel deep inside that our parents would never truly place our needs first in life because they never have. In some ways, they could have been a very happy childless couple, as they were very fulfilled within their two-some.

So do not make your kids feel that they always come second and your spouse always comes first.

Instead, let them learn that there is always an abundance to go around and that everyone in a family is a priority. There is no hierarchy of needs to be met. There is enough to fill everyone's needs.

Operate out of a model of abundance rather than scarcity.

[Anonymous]

I must be really naive. I find a lot of these responses shocking. I do my best to be as actively loving, supportive, and doting on both my husband and my child as I can be. i reserve specific time to be with my husband, just the two of us, just as I do with my daughter. However, if both needed me at the same time, and their needs were of equal intensity, there is absolutely no way I would ever choose my husband. my daughter comes first. And I know my husband would answer this the same way. I would be very disappointed and confused if he did not; this shared view of parenting is one of the reasons I knew I wanted to have a child with him.

Of course my child is not the center of the universe, but she is the center of MY universe, and his, and we will do everything we can to make sure she always knows that. Of course husbands or wives can get angry and upset and marriages can fail, but adults can also compromise and await the easier times and look toward the greater good. the way we are raising our daughter, especially through infancy, toddlerhood, and her early childhood years, will shape the way she views and embraces the world for the rest of her life and there is absolutely nothing more important than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents always put themselves and their marriage first. Always.
They have been very happily married for 50 years. It IS nice to have happily married parents because I do not worry in the least about their marriage or loneliness, etc.

The only problem is that we kids knew that we rarely came first. We knew that we were a second priority because their decisions, small and large, over the years have reflected that.

Trust me, that is NOT a good feeling and it has negatively impacted the adult parent/child relationships. We all feel deep inside that our parents would never truly place our needs first in life because they never have. In some ways, they could have been a very happy childless couple, as they were very fulfilled within their two-some.

So do not make your kids feel that they always come second and your spouse always comes first.

Instead, let them learn that there is always an abundance to go around and that everyone in a family is a priority. There is no hierarchy of needs to be met. There is enough to fill everyone's needs.

Operate out of a model of abundance rather than scarcity.

m

Word. Nicely said.