Just out of curiosity.....

[Anonymous]

I love my child because he exists.

I love my husband because of the life we have chosen to share.

Two very different things that can't be compared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW puts the kids first before me. That's why I'm a sex starved DH who has resentment issues.

This a bit of a non sequitor. Putting kids first does not = husband gets ignored. In my house it means that the husband may need to wait a little bit if child has a pressing need and we have a great marriage. What, your kids never sleep!? This is not about your kids something else is going on with your wife.

In a balanced relationship, it shouldn't; but it can happen if a wife uniformly puts being a mother ahead of being a wife. If a wife is constantly exhausted because she loves her kids so much she will spare them nothing, it can lead to her not saving any energy for sex with her husband.

I think the more likely scenario is that wife does not WANT to have sex with you so she finds something else to fill her time. Like I said, there is something else going on with your wife. You need to talk to her.

True. If she has the opportunity to go do something she regards as fun, she's not "too tired" then. Probably too much beta behavior on the part of the husband. Being dutiful, diligent and supportive is appreciated but doesn't exactly cause a stirring in the loins.

Now, if she was *never* that into you but went ahead and had a baby with you anyway, she probably has some explaining to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 11 years with 4 children. My husband comes first. As others have said, the love for your spouse and children is totally different and equally as strong, but I still place my husband's needs first.

this is so bizarre. So, if your infant or toddler is crying because they fell and got hurt and need you. And your husband is asking you to clean off his cut and get him a bandaid - you're going to put your husband's needs above your child's? Crazy and I feel sorry for your kids.


For those of you talking about sex (or lack of sex) as an indicator of putting your kids' needs above your DH's or your DH's needs above your kids' needs. You are thinking of it wrong. Those that say I put my DH before kids because I have sex with him are really saying they are putting their DH's needs above their own - not above their kids. Same with those who say their kids come first because they don't have sex with DH. No, you are putting your OWN needs above (or below) your DH's. NOT your kids' needs. they go to bed. You either sleep (or clean house) or have sex with DH -

so really answer the question. In what order do you put everyone's needs. DH's kids and your own. If you REALLY answer honestly, you will ALL say your kids' needs are tended to first and formost.

OP here and the original post wasn't about the actual physical needs of my kids or my husband. Of course if my kids are hurt or hungry I will take car of them first because my husband can care for himself. When I'm saying is I'm not going to cancel a date night with my husband because I feel guilty about leaving my kids. Believe me when I say that my kids are very well and happy. I believe part of that is because they see mommy and daddy having such a good time together. The relationship I have with my husband is so much more important to me than the relationship I have with my kids.

Oh come on, do you really think that there are a lot of well adjusted women/men out there who would do this. You are just coping out bc the PP called you out. BTW, I think that you are lying about the last sentence as well.

Just want to add that you likely care about both and would not want to damage either. Life is about balance, I find it odd that you are trying to squeeze yourself into some "I love my DH more" box. No one cares!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my child because he exists.

I love my husband because of the life we have chosen to share.

Two very different things that can't be compared.

Oh don't get all foo foo on us. Of course they can be compared. They both require your time and attention, and that can be compared. You've got an hour to spend, neither your husband nor your child are going to get hurt if you ignore them for that hour, which person do you choose to spend it with?

[And no, in this hypothetical, you don't get to spend it alone!]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 11 years with 4 children. My husband comes first. As others have said, the love for your spouse and children is totally different and equally as strong, but I still place my husband's needs first.

this is so bizarre. So, if your infant or toddler is crying because they fell and got hurt and need you. And your husband is asking you to clean off his cut and get him a bandaid - you're going to put your husband's needs above your child's? Crazy and I feel sorry for your kids.


For those of you talking about sex (or lack of sex) as an indicator of putting your kids' needs above your DH's or your DH's needs above your kids' needs. You are thinking of it wrong. Those that say I put my DH before kids because I have sex with him are really saying they are putting their DH's needs above their own - not above their kids. Same with those who say their kids come first because they don't have sex with DH. No, you are putting your OWN needs above (or below) your DH's. NOT your kids' needs. they go to bed. You either sleep (or clean house) or have sex with DH -

so really answer the question. In what order do you put everyone's needs. DH's kids and your own. If you REALLY answer honestly, you will ALL say your kids' needs are tended to first and formost.

OP here and the original post wasn't about the actual physical needs of my kids or my husband. Of course if my kids are hurt or hungry I will take car of them first because my husband can care for himself. When I'm saying is I'm not going to cancel a date night with my husband because I feel guilty about leaving my kids. Believe me when I say that my kids are very well and happy. I believe part of that is because they see mommy and daddy having such a good time together. The relationship I have with my husband is so much more important to me than the relationship I have with my kids.

Oh come on, do you really think that there are a lot of well adjusted women/men out there who would do this. You are just coping out bc the PP called you out. BTW, I think that you are lying about the last sentence as well.

Seriously? Not the OP, but I know MANY moms who refuse to leave their kids with a sitter for even a few hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my child because he exists.

I love my husband because of the life we have chosen to share.

Two very different things that can't be compared.

Oh don't get all foo foo on us. Of course they can be compared. They both require your time and attention, and that can be compared. You've got an hour to spend, neither your husband nor your child are going to get hurt if you ignore them for that hour, which person do you choose to spend it with?

[And no, in this hypothetical, you don't get to spend it alone!]

My husband. Because he is a fully formed adult who doesn't require me to wipe his butt. But once my child is an adult? No idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my child because he exists.

I love my husband because of the life we have chosen to share.

Two very different things that can't be compared.

Oh don't get all foo foo on us. Of course they can be compared. They both require your time and attention, and that can be compared. You've got an hour to spend, neither your husband nor your child are going to get hurt if you ignore them for that hour, which person do you choose to spend it with?

[And no, in this hypothetical, you don't get to spend it alone!]

I would spend it with my husband but it has nothing to do with love. Its had to do with the fact that I dont get enough time together and I am with my kids most of the day. If the opposite were the case (say, DH and I work together), I would spend it with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband comes first. I adore all five of my kids. But we put each others needs above our kids. Obviously, I respond to a child who needs me immediately. But overall, my marriage comes first. Healthy marriage= happy kids.

Married 25 years. Five kids. Three in college. Two almost there. Kids grow up and leave home. Marriage is forever.

I agree 100•/°

[Anonymous]

Spouses can be replaced. My child cannot. No brainer...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband comes first. I adore all five of my kids. But we put each others needs above our kids. Obviously, I respond to a child who needs me immediately. But overall, my marriage comes first. Healthy marriage= happy kids.

Married 25 years. Five kids. Three in college. Two almost there. Kids grow up and leave home. Marriage is forever.

I agree 100•/°

Don't know too many marriags that are forever these days. Isn't divorce in the U.S. over 50%?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband comes first. I adore all five of my kids. But we put each others needs above our kids. Obviously, I respond to a child who needs me immediately. But overall, my marriage comes first. Healthy marriage= happy kids.

Married 25 years. Five kids. Three in college. Two almost there. Kids grow up and leave home. Marriage is forever.

I agree 100•/°

Don't know too many marriags that are forever these days. Isn't divorce in the U.S. over 50%?

The divorce rate is much lower for college educated people because they earn more money and marry later.

[Anonymous]

OP, you say that you don't feel guilty leaving your kids behind for date night. You also say they are "very well and happy." Don't you think the scenario would be quite different if the kids were unhappy?

What if you felt guilty for not devoting enough time to either husband or kids? Why do you have to pick one?

[Anonymous]

I put myself first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who here believes that being a parent comes first and your marriage comes second? Are you happy with the life you have with kids?

In my marriage my husband comes first and everything else comes second. I am not ashamed to say that I love him more than my kids and I know it is the same for him. Don't get me wrong I adore my 2 kids, but in the end they will leave and it will be just me and my husband again. We have a great relationship and are best friends because we put marriage first.

My kids are more important to me than my spouse. My spouse is an adult.

Is you spouse happy you feel that way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not a weird question. I suppose love itself might be an inexhaustible resource, but maintaining a healthy relationship with someone you love requires time and energy. When kids come along, they compete for time and affection that could previously be devoted to your spouse. When that happens, sometimes you have to prioritize.

The priority is going to depend on the context with a tie going to the kids when they're young; simply because they are unable to take care of themselves. When the kids are older or mature, the tie goes to the spouse because s/he is who you will be spending the rest of your life with.

But, you have to balance it. You have to interact with your spouse as a companion at times and not just as a co-parent. Otherwise, you'll probably lose the relationship with the spouse and, long-term, your kids will lose out more than if you'd just spent a little less time focused on them and a little more focused on your spouse in the first place.

So true. DW is all about the kids first and I'm merely a room mate at this time. Slowly but surely, the resentment is building up. The kids will suffer since that resentment transfers on them (innocently).