I Opened Pandora's Box

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems that you are deeply ashamed of having a prior sexual partner, to the point that you are basically flagellating yourself to a pulp. This is something you need to work through and let go of - otherwise you won't be able to address this issue in your marriage with a clear head.
Your emotional reaction to this is way out of proportion to the event, and it just isn't healthy or rational.

No, that's just an excuse to justify my inappropriate behavior. There was no reason for me to engage him in any conversation period- especially such an extended one.

Let's say I was just trying to be polite. Ok, still there is no excuse for me to let his compliments and all that get into my head. It was wrong, it was inappropriate, and I certainly would not be happy if my husband was the one doing that. Then on top of that, I let all these fantasies occupy my mind to the point where I am very distracted. There's just no justfying that. It was disrespecful.

I take my marriage very seriously. And I take full responsibility for my mistakes. I'd be hurt beyond belief if DH said he'd like to have sex with someone else. I can't blame anything but my own foolishness.

I am thinking about what the PP said on how to correct this. I must admit, she is probably right, but that's a tough pill to swallow. I don't know if I am there yet because I'd rather bury things than dig them up. But I do wonder, if the PP is still around... did you figure this out on your own, did you go to counseling, pray all the time...how did all of this come together?

OP, we figured it out the most painful way possible:

I had a previous relationship. The breakup was so painful, I almost lost my mind. I was young, he was much older, and it was like he cast a spell over me.

I refused to even consider he was anything other than the love of my life. I made him out to be an awesome guy. I was going to get him back, no matter what. I had to make things work, because otherwise, I had made the biggest mistake of my life, and I just couldn't face that.

Even as I started dating my husband, I told him I had to be with this other man. So messed up, I know. And until we were married, my ex boyfriend would pop up now and then. Once, I almost, almost slept with him again. Thank God I didn't. But I can still remember that magnetic force field drawing me to him--even when I loved my now-husband dearly, even as I started to realize my ex was actually a loser. It's ridiculous and inexplicable. But so powerful!

Even after we were married, my ex contacted me occasionally, and I felt very drawn to him and defensive of my "first love" excuses. It's like I needed a certain narrative to be true, and I was willing to destroy all that was actually good in my life to hold onto it.

What was my husband thinking this whole time? That he could never compete. This other guy was my first. He was physically really strong, and older, so he had this big man's body, and he taught me almost everything I knew. There was no hope to get this other guy out of my head. But he loved me, and to have me, he needed to accept all of this. So he did, but it hurt him, and left him feeling inadequate and hopeless. He never said these things out loud. He barely let himself think them.

In the meantime, I felt like you. Like I had given away my chance for my one and only. That I did not deserve to feel really good ever again. So I held back. So he's angry. I'm full of self-loathing and denial. It was a mess. I'm leaving out lots of details because they hurt too much to write down.

We would have intense conversations sometimes. We made some progress. I told him everything about my past. He wanted to know every detail. The more I grew to love him, the more I regretted things, but also the more certain I was I was not worthy of what should have, could have been.

Finally, I confronted my ex of my own free will. I told him--and I meant it--that he had been wrong to take my virginity, that our whole relationship had been a mistake. I was a young, naive girl, and he was a grown man. I had culpability, but he should never have even thought about a relationship with me. That confrontation broke the spell he had over me. I have never looked back since.

I had been growing in my faith during this time, and that was a big part of things, because I was not strong enough on my own to face the truth. I needed grace to admit my mistakes, ask forgiveness, and try to do better. I still do that, every day--ask God for help, I mean.

My past is no longer a terrible weight over our relationship. But we still confront issues related to it sometime. Recently, my husband asked my forgiveness for not being strong enough to insist that I cut my ex out of my life a lot sooner. I understood what he was saying, and I loved him for that. So it wasn't all just "I'm bad, he's good"--he had his own faults along the way. We are both just human. But we love each other, faults and mistakes and all.

So we never went to counseling, and we didn't exactly pray our way out of it, though prayer and reconciliation was essential. We just had to work through the consequences of our weaknesses one at a time, we had to mature, and we needed time. It was slow, painful, and messed up, with the biggest failings on my part. I will never stop being sorry.

But I am absolutely certain I have been forgiven. And now I can see things clearly. And now we see and understand one another perfectly, no barriers between us at all. And that had led to a physical relationship that is millions and millions of times more pleasurable than I ever could have dreamed...and far, far, far more pleasurable than anything I had with my ex. In fact, OP, I can tell you with absolute honesty that I am disgusted by my memories with him, which, thankfully, fade more all the time.

I wish I had been faithful to my husband all along, before I even met him. I wish I could have come to him without any baggage, and figured out how to love him physically, just us. I accept responsibility for what I have done, and I thank God for the love we up have now, just as it is.

I know all I have said is total nonsense for most DCUMers. I'm at peace with that. I hope something of what I have said brings you to peace, OP. I've never written about this before, and I never planned to tell another soul. But I just hope my story is helpful to you somehow.

[Anonymous]

^^^sorry for so many typos!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18:25, you are sicker than OP. Telling OP she shouldn't feel guilty because she had a few "impure" thoughts but didn't act on them = "18:02 you must be one of those nasty pantied women I talked about earlier. You know the type, you could suck off a coworker and then come home and kiss your husband and kids without thinking twice. You probably have your husband washing your nasty semen stained panties."

Church lady, I do have something YOU could suck off. . .

How am I sick? OP should feel bad. I say this all the time on this forum. Stop with all the FB garbage. Leave the past in the past. But people don't listen. And you women are nasty. Nasty, nasty, nasty. You don't care about who you share your body with. You'll sleep with anything. Sucking all day like it's drinking water. You are probably the same ones in that "sexually fluid" thread. Yup, I'm the one that said you are animals who need to go to the zoo and hump monkeys all day. At least OP is trying to have some sense of decency, but the rest of you are heathens.

Your church probably provides some form of counseling. You should get it. This level of obsession with other people's behavior is evidence of profound disturbance.

By the way, I'm bisexual and have been faultlessly faithful throughout my long marriage.

This has nothing to do with church.

What is disturbing is people like you who support this bisexual myth. There is no such thing as bisexual. You are either gay, straight, asexual, or just plain gross. I've said this already today. Men today, women tomorrow, donkeys on the weekend...how do you pick your flavor? That's just a state of confusion and filth. Pick a side, stick to it. If you are gay- be gay. If you are straight- be straight. No one should ever proudly admit that they'll sleep with anything. You are a human being, not a Discovery Channel wildlife special. Calm your loins, and conduct yourself accordingly. Just because I find some of you to be nasty women it doesn't mean I am obsessed. Some of you are just nasty, and most of you have no idea what faithful is. Faithfully jacking off to other people...okay.

I think OP was wrong, but I am not being harsh with her. I just think it's crazy to call her crazy just because you lack any sort of moral compass.

LOL you are a complete wackjob. WTF do you know about sexuality; from your posts you sound completely repressed. I have advice for the OP, and for you--invest in a new vibrator, fantasize as much as you want about your ex, and work it out of your system. I guarantee your fantasy of how it would be to bang your ex after all this time is much hotter than actually doing it, so you'll get to get off without actually cheating on your DH. Really, people act like sex is a tiny part of marriage, but it's actually very important (thus all the rules, mores, etc. surrounding it).

Look up Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Along with air, shelter, and food is SEX as a basic need. Stop trying to deny this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18:25, you are sicker than OP. Telling OP she shouldn't feel guilty because she had a few "impure" thoughts but didn't act on them = "18:02 you must be one of those nasty pantied women I talked about earlier. You know the type, you could suck off a coworker and then come home and kiss your husband and kids without thinking twice. You probably have your husband washing your nasty semen stained panties."

Church lady, I do have something YOU could suck off. . .

How am I sick? OP should feel bad. I say this all the time on this forum. Stop with all the FB garbage. Leave the past in the past. But people don't listen. And you women are nasty. Nasty, nasty, nasty. You don't care about who you share your body with. You'll sleep with anything. Sucking all day like it's drinking water. You are probably the same ones in that "sexually fluid" thread. Yup, I'm the one that said you are animals who need to go to the zoo and hump monkeys all day. At least OP is trying to have some sense of decency, but the rest of you are heathens.

Your church probably provides some form of counseling. You should get it. This level of obsession with other people's behavior is evidence of profound disturbance.

By the way, I'm bisexual and have been faultlessly faithful throughout my long marriage.

This has nothing to do with church.

What is disturbing is people like you who support this bisexual myth. There is no such thing as bisexual. You are either gay, straight, asexual, or just plain gross. I've said this already today. Men today, women tomorrow, donkeys on the weekend...how do you pick your flavor? That's just a state of confusion and filth. Pick a side, stick to it. If you are gay- be gay. If you are straight- be straight. No one should ever proudly admit that they'll sleep with anything. You are a human being, not a Discovery Channel wildlife special. Calm your loins, and conduct yourself accordingly. Just because I find some of you to be nasty women it doesn't mean I am obsessed. Some of you are just nasty, and most of you have no idea what faithful is. Faithfully jacking off to other people...okay.

I think OP was wrong, but I am not being harsh with her. I just think it's crazy to call her crazy just because you lack any sort of moral compass.

LOL you are a complete wackjob. WTF do you know about sexuality; from your posts you sound completely repressed. I have advice for the OP, and for you--invest in a new vibrator, fantasize as much as you want about your ex, and work it out of your system. I guarantee your fantasy of how it would be to bang your ex after all this time is much hotter than actually doing it, so you'll get to get off without actually cheating on your DH. Really, people act like sex is a tiny part of marriage, but it's actually very important (thus all the rules, mores, etc. surrounding it).

Look up Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Along with air, shelter, and food is SEX as a basic need. Stop trying to deny this.

Ain't that usually the truth.

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks for posting this. Just last week I was contacted thru a social networking site by a long ago boyfriend. It brought back so many memories as I really had a thing for him. I fantasized so many things just from that one contact...very unhealthy. Unlike you, I am in a very difficult marriage and realize that I'm vulnerable. He emailed me as well. I have not responded. Thanks to you, your experience and struggle has convinced me not to open Pandora's box. I've been very busy and by not responding, it's given me time to get my head together. He was not good for me at all and he hurt me but for some reason I was so drawn to him. I realize now, that I will stay away. It's been 20+ years. Anyway, I write this in some small way to hopefully make you feel better, that by sharing you helped someone else. Please do not feel guilty. Use this as a learning experience to resolve whatever issues you have and move forward with your husband. 21.11's advice is good.

[Anonymous]

I don't get you, OP. You know what you should do, so do it. Cut off contact with ex.

Anything else is just you being a bad person. Period.

Stop trying to rationalize it. Slippery slope -- why not just hire a male prostitute if it's just hot sex you want? You're kinda gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems that you are deeply ashamed of having a prior sexual partner, to the point that you are basically flagellating yourself to a pulp. This is something you need to work through and let go of - otherwise you won't be able to address this issue in your marriage with a clear head.
Your emotional reaction to this is way out of proportion to the event, and it just isn't healthy or rational.

No, that's just an excuse to justify my inappropriate behavior. There was no reason for me to engage him in any conversation period- especially such an extended one.

Let's say I was just trying to be polite. Ok, still there is no excuse for me to let his compliments and all that get into my head. It was wrong, it was inappropriate, and I certainly would not be happy if my husband was the one doing that. Then on top of that, I let all these fantasies occupy my mind to the point where I am very distracted. There's just no justfying that. It was disrespecful.

I take my marriage very seriously. And I take full responsibility for my mistakes. I'd be hurt beyond belief if DH said he'd like to have sex with someone else. I can't blame anything but my own foolishness.

I am thinking about what the PP said on how to correct this. I must admit, she is probably right, but that's a tough pill to swallow. I don't know if I am there yet because I'd rather bury things than dig them up. But I do wonder, if the PP is still around... did you figure this out on your own, did you go to counseling, pray all the time...how did all of this come together?

OP, we figured it out the most painful way possible:

I had a previous relationship. The breakup was so painful, I almost lost my mind. I was young, he was much older, and it was like he cast a spell over me.

I refused to even consider he was anything other than the love of my life. I made him out to be an awesome guy. I was going to get him back, no matter what. I had to make things work, because otherwise, I had made the biggest mistake of my life, and I just couldn't face that.

Even as I started dating my husband, I told him I had to be with this other man. So messed up, I know. And until we were married, my ex boyfriend would pop up now and then. Once, I almost, almost slept with him again. Thank God I didn't. But I can still remember that magnetic force field drawing me to him--even when I loved my now-husband dearly, even as I started to realize my ex was actually a loser. It's ridiculous and inexplicable. But so powerful!

Even after we were married, my ex contacted me occasionally, and I felt very drawn to him and defensive of my "first love" excuses. It's like I needed a certain narrative to be true, and I was willing to destroy all that was actually good in my life to hold onto it.

What was my husband thinking this whole time? That he could never compete. This other guy was my first. He was physically really strong, and older, so he had this big man's body, and he taught me almost everything I knew. There was no hope to get this other guy out of my head. But he loved me, and to have me, he needed to accept all of this. So he did, but it hurt him, and left him feeling inadequate and hopeless. He never said these things out loud. He barely let himself think them.

In the meantime, I felt like you. Like I had given away my chance for my one and only. That I did not deserve to feel really good ever again. So I held back. So he's angry. I'm full of self-loathing and denial. It was a mess. I'm leaving out lots of details because they hurt too much to write down.

We would have intense conversations sometimes. We made some progress. I told him everything about my past. He wanted to know every detail. The more I grew to love him, the more I regretted things, but also the more certain I was I was not worthy of what should have, could have been.

Finally, I confronted my ex of my own free will. I told him--and I meant it--that he had been wrong to take my virginity, that our whole relationship had been a mistake. I was a young, naive girl, and he was a grown man. I had culpability, but he should never have even thought about a relationship with me. That confrontation broke the spell he had over me. I have never looked back since.

I had been growing in my faith during this time, and that was a big part of things, because I was not strong enough on my own to face the truth. I needed grace to admit my mistakes, ask forgiveness, and try to do better. I still do that, every day--ask God for help, I mean.

My past is no longer a terrible weight over our relationship. But we still confront issues related to it sometime. Recently, my husband asked my forgiveness for not being strong enough to insist that I cut my ex out of my life a lot sooner. I understood what he was saying, and I loved him for that. So it wasn't all just "I'm bad, he's good"--he had his own faults along the way. We are both just human. But we love each other, faults and mistakes and all.

So we never went to counseling, and we didn't exactly pray our way out of it, though prayer and reconciliation was essential. We just had to work through the consequences of our weaknesses one at a time, we had to mature, and we needed time. It was slow, painful, and messed up, with the biggest failings on my part. I will never stop being sorry.

But I am absolutely certain I have been forgiven. And now I can see things clearly. And now we see and understand one another perfectly, no barriers between us at all. And that had led to a physical relationship that is millions and millions of times more pleasurable than I ever could have dreamed...and far, far, far more pleasurable than anything I had with my ex. In fact, OP, I can tell you with absolute honesty that I am disgusted by my memories with him, which, thankfully, fade more all the time.

I wish I had been faithful to my husband all along, before I even met him. I wish I could have come to him without any baggage, and figured out how to love him physically, just us. I accept responsibility for what I have done, and I thank God for the love we up have now, just as it is.

I know all I have said is total nonsense for most DCUMers. I'm at peace with that. I hope something of what I have said brings you to peace, OP. I've never written about this before, and I never planned to tell another soul. But I just hope my story is helpful to you somehow.

No wonder you see this the way you do. You were an emotional cripple slash drama beast and caused a lot of damage to yourself and those around you. Sex was not the problem, your immaturity and lack of self-knowledge were the problem.

I'm glad things finally worked out for you, but would you please stop projecting your past onto everyone else? Your experience is not universal. We didn't all start off our sex lives as bull in a china shop whack jobs. We're not all incapable of having deeply honest and intimate relationships because we have sexual pasts. For many of us, the understanding and growth that we experienced in other relationships are gifts we bring into our marriages. We are not sullied and we have nothing to be sorry for.

Imagine the emotional maturity and honesty you feel you have now, only.... from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was on the situation of 22:06 except I am a guy and I did not respond to the ex-gf. After 20+ years what would be the point? What positive benefit would any interaction have? We are strangers by now with a common experience in the past.

Leave what happened before in the rear view mirror. No ex contacts someone after a long time just to say hello.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get you, OP. You know what you should do, so do it. Cut off contact with ex.

Anything else is just you being a bad person. Period.

Stop trying to rationalize it. Slippery slope -- why not just hire a male prostitute if it's just hot sex you want? You're kinda gross.

Have you been reading her posts at all? There's something very wrong with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No ex contacts someone after a long time just to say hello.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Thank you PP for sharing your story and advice with me. I really appreciate you taking the time to do so. This thread and this whole situtation has brought up a lot of pain that I didn't even know existed. It's been hurtful to go back down that lane. I appreciate you being candid because I would imagine that it could not have been easy for you. Thank you again. Know that you have really helped me.

I feel a lot better now. I know that I have to be careful because I am weak in that area. I cannot talk to him, think about him, and certainly not see him. We had a pattern, and it's like we have always been drawn to each other. Maybe because it started when I was young and he was older-I don't know. But I am married so the pattern must end. And even if I wasn't married- it still wouldn't be a good situation. I feel similar to the PP in many ways. She understands what it's like....

To the PP who said she decided not to respond to her ex- THANK YOU. If nothing, I hoped that someone would learn from my mistake. Even though you know you shouldn't do things, sometimes you just do stuff anyway- and I had hoped that someone would look at this mess and say "I am not doing that." And if you are thinking about contacting someone from the past because you are bored, or you want to apologize-don't do it. Just step away from the computer and go on about your life.