I Opened Pandora's Box

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10/03/2012 17:52

Subject: Re:I Opened Pandora's Box

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Anonymous

OP, I'm the PP from before, who worked through this in my own marriage. Before I say more, please remember that everyone is unique. There could be countless other issues at work for you that were not issues for me, and I don't mean to project. These are just things for you to consider, as they may be helpful:

First, even though your husband says he's fine with the past, that does not mean it does not affect him, it just means he loves you and accepts you for who you are. Especially since you said you've never talked about it with him, you don't know what, exactly, he thinks, and I'm sure he censors himself because he doesn't want to make you feel bad AND he doesn't want to talk about it either, because then he had to confront feelings he doesn't want to feel.

Look, our society says no one should care how many people one's spouse has slept with, period. For a man to admit it's hurtful to think of his wife with another man, especially, is hard. But no matter what society says, our bodies are designed to bond through sex. It's normal to feel sadness and pain over the past, from both sides. And the magnetism you feel is normal, too, because a woman's body is biologically programmed to bond intensely through sex. That was revelatory for me.

I totally, completely get the feeling of being "tarnished" and unworthy of satisfying sex. I also would rather die than bring it up, and just shouldered it as a just "punishment" for what I had done in the past.

But here is the most crucial thing, OP: does your HUSBAND deserve a lifetime of unsatisfying sex because of what YOU did in the past? Why should HE be punished? Because by withholding your most intimate thoughts and your deepest fears and insecurities from him, you are withholding the possibility of mind blowing sex with him.

You say you love him so much. Well, YOU have the power to break through all these issues and give him the opportunity to experience incredible sex. Because the best sex happens when a man and a woman make themselves vulnerable, trust one another completely, and embrace each other whole.

Don't you see? By punishing yourself, you are punishing him, too. You are withholding yourself from him, because you've convinced yourself he can't ever possibly satisfy you, because you don't deserve satisfaction. I'm telling you, yes, you do! Because love actually does conquer all, including the past.

Now, of course, I don't know why your husband is turning you down so much. There could be a million other reasons. But this is heavy on your heart right now, and the only thing you can control is you. So why not take this as an opportunity to work through these deep-seated issues? You are right--it could initially hurt a lot to do so. But the payoff could be so great, and the status quo is unacceptable.

I started with the sacrament of reconciliation and moved on from there, but you can start with a simple apology to your husband. As I said, you can just keep it general, if it is too hard to get the words out: "Sweetheart, I don't know if I've ever said this before, but I want you to know I am so sorry for my past. I wish, with all my heart and soul, that there was nothing like that between us. Thank you for loving me as I am. I've been carrying around so much guilt and shame, and I can't take it anymore. I don't want there to be anything between us. I love you, and I want to be closer to you than ever before. Did you have any idea I felt this way?"

Just see what he says. He may have buried any feelings of inadequacy and hurt really deep down, so he may not have much to say at first. But at least you'll have started the conversation.

I don't want to say much about the particulars of my situation, because this is not about me, but I'll just say that it took a long, long time, and many painful talks, but now, our physical relationship is so incredible, beyond my wildest imaginations. He gives me more pleasure than I ever could have dreamed possible. We are in such a good place. I believe you'll get there, too, OP!