I Opened Pandora's Box

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He contacted me to apologize. He's not married and he didn't know that I was married.

I was reading an article with Jill Scott and she talked about being "dickmatized". She said it's when the sex is so amazing that you are outside in the daytime with a flashlight looking for that man. That's ex for me.

I have puts lots of effort into improving that aspect of my marriage, but it hasn't worked. I've tried talking,being specific, buying books, etc. He's just the type that wants to just lay there. He'll participate if I start it off- but I have to put in most of the work. He's not interested in any toys or anything as that is a turn off to him. It hasn't been important because I love my husband. And I know he loves me. He makes me feel so loved all of the time...but not necessarily "wanted" in a sexual way.

I love him so much that I have actually been crying
about this because I feel guilty. How can I look
him in the face knowing that I've had such terrible thoughts?

I feel like I should apologize to him and ask for forgiveness. I didn't "do" anything, but in my mind I did. I should have known better than to even respond. I feel terrible.

Don't tell him!!! You didn't do anything wrong but if you tell him this you will make him mistrustful of you. Seriously: you're doing him no favors by telling him. Don't do that to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going to ask you a question. If your husband isn't interested in sex, is he not interested in being a lover. Sex is only part of being a lover. He may be a great guy and a great friend but not a good husband in the sexual and lover sense. You owe it to yourself to sort this out. Is husband interested in improving the sex. If not, then you need to think about what you want. Miserable sex is oftena sign of much more.

I think my husband would do anything to make me happy. It's just for some reason we are not there sexually. He's very conservative, which is fine. I've adjusted. I really don't even have sex for pleasure. I do it for emotional reasons. I don't get anything physically out of it. And I don't know how to change that, because I've tried.

[Anonymous]

As long as Pandora's is the only box you open, you'll be fine, and no reason to tell him.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are a couple of exes that I consider special. Wherever they are, I hope they are doing well and once in a while think of me in a positive way. But I would never want them to contact me because it is taking the past and putting it in the present.

You and this guy are not the same people as when you dated. I think it is a bad idea whenever someone from the past uses modern technology to say hello. As for issues with your DH, I hope they can be resolved as you legitimately seem to love him.

[Anonymous]

Oh, snap.

[Anonymous]

OP, I sympathize. I'm happy with my husband and we do have a satisfying sex life, but there was one man, a long time ago. I know exactly what Ms. Scott means. And if I'd never met this man I wouldn't know what you were talking about. I'd think you were talking about ordinary lust. So don't listen to the OPs who are shaming this feeling.

I don't know what to tell you. My feeling is that in a sexually unsatisfying marriage, you just need to feel SOMETHING and this man is the vehicle. And you know what - he's not touching you. What you're feeling is inside you and it's not dependent on him. So that's where you could go with this. It's mostly mental - get your imagination in gear and find a way to dip into this wellspring without that man guiding you. Take care of yourself sensually, take long wonderful baths, get massages, deepen your experience with your husband if you can. There's a lot you can do with a man who's just lying there, if he's cooperative.

[Anonymous]

What the heck is wrong with some of these posters? Crushes and fantasies are nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't sound like any boundaries have been crossed, and the correspondence has come to an end. OP is vulnerable - her DH withholds sex, and OP is a sexual person. That's a major issue, and it sounds like OP has been working through it as best she can. We're all human - sheesh! OP, please do not feel guilty. Use this as an opportunity to reopen the communication with your DH about your sexual incompatibility, and how to move forward (together).

[Anonymous]

DH on the other side of the coin; married twenty years - over the years had thought about one ex - first love - and was conscious that I had made trade-offs in marrying wife vs. relationship I had with first love. I knew my wife would be a great mom, homemaker, same nationality, similar views, etc. but never real interest in passion. Had some good times - financially very successful early in life - wife didn't have to work since 27; 2008 hit my business interests hard - very hard in fact but I believe in tenacity. Wife had to go to work to keep us going. I am very appreciative of that. She is/was very angry with me regarding the financials and because of/ and/or the resulting stress our sex life stopped; it has been a sexless marriage for 2 1/2 years. Now we have resentment on both sides - her at me for business cycle and me at her for lack of passion in the marriage. I am not without fault as during the boom years I was quite busy and quite demanding. It is also not about about intercourse - it is the gentle caresses that I offer when i walk by that are rejected.

So, I reached out and contacted my first love. I had done so prior to 2008, just a couple of emails. I know my wife found them as during a fight she quoted from text in them. Short answer is that there is a part of me that knows I married right, and have a great family. The other part always wondered about my first love (there has always been a yearning in my heart) and feel that if my wife would only show me the slightest affection I would not be fantasying about first love. I suspect the DW on this site might flame me, but for better or worse cuts both ways. I've been wealthy since before I was 30 (through luck and hard work) and my wife had it pretty well (although we lived conservatively). We go through a rough patch, admittedly I made some business mistakes that were amplified by the 2008 crash, and her anger is palpable. I do not think I can go through the rest of my life without sex. I think doing so is/will damage our relationship/intimacy.

I also think that, in my own case, given the passionate nature of my first love, that there was/is a biochemical reaction that occurred within my brain with respect to that first relationship. And I think that is why we see alot of these first love re-unions. I will tell you the pull is quite strong.

[Anonymous]

2015- how far have you taken it? Was it just emails or more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He contacted me to apologize. He's not married and he didn't know that I was married.

I was reading an article with Jill Scott and she talked about being "dickmatized". She said it's when the sex is so amazing that you are outside in the daytime with a flashlight looking for that man. That's ex for me.

I have puts lots of effort into improving that aspect of my marriage, but it hasn't worked. I've tried talking,being specific, buying books, etc. He's just the type that wants to just lay there. He'll participate if I start it off- but I have to put in most of the work. He's not interested in any toys or anything as that is a turn off to him. It hasn't been important because I love my husband. And I know he loves me. He makes me feel so loved all of the time...but not necessarily "wanted" in a sexual way.

I love him so much that I have actually been crying
about this because I feel guilty. How can I look
him in the face knowing that I've had such terrible thoughts?

I feel like I should apologize to him and ask for forgiveness. I didn't "do" anything, but in my mind I did. I should have known better than to even respond. I feel terrible.

oh the drama

[Anonymous]

Maybe OP can make her DH more passionate if she does more chores around the house, gets the kids out of the house, takes him out for date night, and maybe arranges some romantic getaway weekends. Oh, but she can't do these things because she wants sex because then he'll know and feel pressured.

[Anonymous]

I kept a fwb relationship going long distance for several years because of good sex. It was amazing....finally dropped him but now I'm out there looking. If fwb showed up on my doorstep, I'd have his britches off in a heartbeat and have lots of fun before I shoved him back outside and locked the door.

What I don't understand is why the jerks are good lovers and not the nice guys

[Anonymous]

This entire thread is like a commercial for abstinence before marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This entire thread is like a commercial for abstinence before marriage.

Why? So you won't know how shitty your sex life is?

OP, I think you're a drama queen, but I can't let my ex anywhere near me. I still love him. It's best to just cut all contact.

And my husband is AMAZING, but seriously the worst in bed. I have lots of toys for while he's working late nights. We get by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This entire thread is like a commercial for abstinence before marriage.

Why? So you won't know how shitty your sex life is?

That is *exactly* why patriarchal religions work so hard to control women's sexuality. You can't treat women like chattel if they know men are not interchangeable.