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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, it seems that you are deeply ashamed of having a prior sexual partner, to the point that you are basically flagellating yourself to a pulp. This is something you need to work through and let go of - otherwise you won't be able to address this issue in your marriage with a clear head.
Your emotional reaction to this is way out of proportion to the event, and it just isn't healthy or rational.
[/quote]

No, that's just an excuse to justify my inappropriate behavior. There was no reason for me to engage him in any conversation period- especially such an extended one.

Let's say I was just trying to be polite. Ok, still there is no excuse for me to let his compliments and all that get into my head. It was wrong, it was inappropriate, and I certainly would not be happy if my husband was the one doing that. Then on top of that, I let all these fantasies occupy my mind to the point where I am very distracted. There's just no justfying that. It was disrespecful.

I take my marriage very seriously. And I take full responsibility for my mistakes. I'd be hurt beyond belief if DH said he'd like to have sex with someone else. I can't blame anything but my own foolishness.

I am thinking about what the PP said on how to correct this. I must admit, she is probably right, but that's a tough pill to swallow. I don't know if I am there yet because I'd rather bury things than dig them up. But I do wonder, if the PP is still around... did you figure this out on your own, did you go to counseling, pray all the time...how did all of this come together?

[/quote]

OP, we figured it out the most painful way possible:

I had a previous relationship.  The breakup was so painful, I almost lost my mind.  I was young, he was much older, and it was like he cast a spell over me.

I refused to even consider he was anything other than the love of my life.  I made him out to be an awesome guy.  I was going to get him back, no matter what.  I had to make things work, because otherwise, I had made the biggest mistake of my life, and I just couldn't face that.

Even as I started dating my husband, I told him I had to be with this other man.  So messed up, I know.  And until we were married, my ex boyfriend would pop up now and then.  Once, I almost, almost slept with him again.  Thank God I didn't.  But I can still remember that magnetic force field drawing me to him--even when I loved my now-husband dearly, even as I started to realize my ex was actually a loser.  It's ridiculous and inexplicable.  But so powerful!

Even after we were married, my ex contacted me occasionally, and I felt very drawn to him and defensive of my "first love" excuses.  It's like I needed a certain narrative to be true, and I was willing to destroy all that was actually good in my life to hold onto it.

What was my husband thinking this whole time?  That he could never compete.  This other guy was my first.  He was physically really strong, and older, so he had this big man's body, and he taught me almost everything I knew.  There was no hope to get this other guy out of my head.  But he loved me, and to have me, he needed to accept all of this.  So he did, but it hurt him, and left him feeling inadequate and hopeless.  He never said these things out loud.  He barely let himself think them.

In the meantime, I felt like you.  Like I had given away my chance for my one and only.  That I did not deserve to feel really good ever again.  So I held back.  So he's angry.  I'm full of self-loathing and denial.  It was a mess.  I'm leaving out lots of details because they hurt too much to write down.

We would have intense conversations sometimes.  We made some progress.  I told him everything about my past.  He wanted to know every detail.  The more I grew to love him, the more I regretted things, but also the more certain I was I was not worthy of what should have, could have been.

Finally, I confronted my ex of my own free will.  I told him--and I meant it--that he had been wrong to take my virginity, that our whole relationship had been a mistake.  I was a young, naive girl, and he was a grown man.  I had culpability, but he should never have even thought about a relationship with me.  That confrontation broke the spell he had over me.  I have never looked back since.

I had been growing in my faith during this time, and that was a big part of things, because I was not strong enough on my own to face the truth.  I needed grace to admit my mistakes, ask forgiveness, and try to do better.  I still do that, every day--ask God for help, I mean.

My past is no longer a terrible weight over our relationship.  But we still confront issues related to it sometime.  Recently, my husband asked my forgiveness for not being strong enough to insist that I cut my ex out of my life a lot sooner.  I understood what he was saying, and I loved him for that.  So it wasn't all just "I'm bad, he's good"--he had his own faults along the way.  We are both just human.  But we love each other, faults and mistakes and all.

So we never went to counseling, and we didn't exactly pray our way out of it, though prayer and reconciliation was essential.  We just had to work through the consequences of our weaknesses one at a time, we had to mature, and we needed time.  It was slow, painful, and messed up, with the biggest failings on my part.  I will never stop being sorry.

But I am absolutely certain I have been forgiven.  And now I can see things clearly.  And now we see and understand one another perfectly, no barriers between us at all.  And that had led to a physical relationship that is millions and millions of times more pleasurable than I ever could have dreamed...and far, far, far more pleasurable than anything I had with my ex.  In fact, OP, I can tell you with absolute honesty that I am disgusted by my memories with him, which, thankfully, fade more all the time.

I wish I had been faithful to my husband all along, before I even met him.  I wish I could have come to him without any baggage, and figured out how to love him physically, just us.  I accept responsibility for what I have done, and I thank God for the love we up have now, just as it is.

I know all I have said is total nonsense for most DCUMers.  I'm at peace with that.  I hope something of what I have said brings you to peace, OP.  I've never written about this before, and I never planned to tell another soul.  But I just hope my story is helpful to you somehow.[/quote]

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