Why do so many of you NW adults have Trust Funds or get parental help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny this is the typical liberal mindset sponging off either the government Or parents believing they are entitled

Nice generalization! DH and I are very liberal but take zero money from our parents and don't feel we are entitled to any. Just because you are bitter don't wrongly label it as liberal or conservative. I guess conservatives are all just rich and don't worry about these things, like Mitt and George Bush?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We take NOTHING from our parents, either and are god damn proud of it.

theoretically (not snarky), would you take it if it gave your children better healthcare, or better education, or an opportunity your child really wanted/needed, but you couldn't afford? would you make your child suffer/lose an opportunity b/c you're too proud?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I am completely naive, but I am surprised that this is a widespread practice and perhaps even more surprised that people take it. I cannot imagine taking any money from my parents, regardless of how well off they are.

What would you suggest we do? When Dh's grandfather wrote checks out to the grandkids for sevral years and sent them to each of them with a note about how much he wanted to give this to us to help us get a start, or when DH's dad sends a check (which he does with some frequency) saying he got a windfall and wanted to share, should we rip up the check? Scrawl all over the letter, "We don't want your money because we can do it ourselves, godammit"?

We would never ask for help, but I would never insult them by taking such a stance on a gift. I learned years ago after jockeying for years with my FIL that he still needs to be the parent. He doesn't care that we can pay for everyone's dinner, for example. If we are out he always insists on picking up the check, and I have finally stopped fighting him. He wants to do it to show he is still the parent. So we let him. Why do we need to rub his nose in how much we don't need his influence (since we moved away from a place where he had some) or his money?

It's not about rubbing his nose in it and honestly, if i were in your situation I am not sure how I would handle it. This is also your DH's family, so you have less leverage in terms of dealing with them and turning down their "gifts."

I think that having limited resources has shaped me immensely. It has forced me to become efficient, creative, self-relient, and responsible. I can't speak for those who have always had plenty of money available to them, but I wonder how they are responsible and independent in other aspects of their lives given that they've never *had* to support themselves.

Life is not so black and white. Everyone's life has things that shape them and things that are difficult. You may perceive that having less makes you "better" in some ways, but what I see in real life AND on this thread is that it also makes a lot of people bitter, defensive, and illogical. We did have help with our downpayment from my parents and they put a few thousand dollars a year in our kids' 529s, and we know they can and will help us if we have an emergency. We work very hard ourselves (ER doctor and behavioral therapist for children with autism) and yes we live a fairly comfortable life, though not extravagant by this area's standards. (As a point of reference our house cost right around $1 million. My BIL/SIL are a firefighter and a secretary for the gov't, respectively, and they are constantly trying to game the system. My SIL was on disability for 2 years for an alleged "head injury" that she fully acknowledged was a crock of s**t, and my BIL is always trying to get on workers' comp. They buy expensive clothes and TVs instead of saving a dime. They think the whole world is conspiring against them--EVERY job they ever got turned down from is due to "affirmative action". And of course they think our lives are a cakewalk.

So yeah, having less doesn't necessarily bring out the best in everyone. Being lazy and entitled is no less likely if you're poor or rich. It's nice to think there's some kind of "reward" for having less, so it all evens out somehow, but that's just not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We take NOTHING from our parents, either and are god damn proud of it.

theoretically (not snarky), would you take it if it gave your children better healthcare, or better education, or an opportunity your child really wanted/needed, but you couldn't afford? would you make your child suffer/lose an opportunity b/c you're too proud?

I am not PP, but I think you and I probably have a different idea of what opportunities are good for your kids (and I mean teens/young adults). You might pay their living expenses so they could take an unpaid internship all summer, and I would have my kids working, because I believe the expectation of self-sufficiency and work ethic that comes along with it is more valuable. As far as education is concerned, I would pay for college and graduate school, as long as the kid had a plan and was going to make good use of his or her education. I would always pay for better healthcare.

In my experience, a lot of people who have always had easy access to money "need" a lot of things that they don't really need.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any respect for grown adults who gladly let their parents support them. Your kids are entitled to the lifestyle YOU can provide for them, as their parents, not what their grandparents can afford. Grandparents love being generous to their grandchildren, but at a certain point, you're just taking advantage of their generosity. Have a little self respect and stop letting your mom clothe you and your kids when you're, in theory, a grown ass person who can do it yourself.

[Anonymous]

My parents are multi-millionaires. They helped me buy a small condo when I got out of grad school, and gave me a car. I was able to save agressively and buy a house with my husband a few years after our wedding. They didn't give me anything for years, but now are paying half of our private school tuition bills (covering one of two kids). They also started a college fund for each kid. This year they are renting a beach house for a week for my family, them and my sibling's family to all get together. They weren't going to pay for the whole thing, but an investment sent them a $150,000 check last quarter, so they decided to pay more. My sibling and we still struggle a bit in this area because its so much more expensive than where we grew up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I am completely naive, but I am surprised that this is a widespread practice and perhaps even more surprised that people take it. I cannot imagine taking any money from my parents, regardless of how well off they are.

What would you suggest we do? When Dh's grandfather wrote checks out to the grandkids for sevral years and sent them to each of them with a note about how much he wanted to give this to us to help us get a start, or when DH's dad sends a check (which he does with some frequency) saying he got a windfall and wanted to share, should we rip up the check? Scrawl all over the letter, "We don't want your money because we can do it ourselves, godammit"?

We would never ask for help, but I would never insult them by taking such a stance on a gift. I learned years ago after jockeying for years with my FIL that he still needs to be the parent. He doesn't care that we can pay for everyone's dinner, for example. If we are out he always insists on picking up the check, and I have finally stopped fighting him. He wants to do it to show he is still the parent. So we let him. Why do we need to rub his nose in how much we don't need his influence (since we moved away from a place where he had some) or his money?

It's not about rubbing his nose in it and honestly, if i were in your situation I am not sure how I would handle it. This is also your DH's family, so you have less leverage in terms of dealing with them and turning down their "gifts."

I think that having limited resources has shaped me immensely. It has forced me to become efficient, creative, self-relient, and responsible. I can't speak for those who have always had plenty of money available to them, but I wonder how they are responsible and independent in other aspects of their lives given that they've never *had* to support themselves.

Life is not so black and white. Everyone's life has things that shape them and things that are difficult. You may perceive that having less makes you "better" in some ways, but what I see in real life AND on this thread is that it also makes a lot of people bitter, defensive, and illogical. We did have help with our downpayment from my parents and they put a few thousand dollars a year in our kids' 529s, and we know they can and will help us if we have an emergency. We work very hard ourselves (ER doctor and behavioral therapist for children with autism) and yes we live a fairly comfortable life, though not extravagant by this area's standards. (As a point of reference our house cost right around $1 million. My BIL/SIL are a firefighter and a secretary for the gov't, respectively, and they are constantly trying to game the system. My SIL was on disability for 2 years for an alleged "head injury" that she fully acknowledged was a crock of s**t, and my BIL is always trying to get on workers' comp. They buy expensive clothes and TVs instead of saving a dime. They think the whole world is conspiring against them--EVERY job they ever got turned down from is due to "affirmative action". And of course they think our lives are a cakewalk.

So yeah, having less doesn't necessarily bring out the best in everyone. Being lazy and entitled is no less likely if you're poor or rich. It's nice to think there's some kind of "reward" for having less, so it all evens out somehow, but that's just not true.

My point isn't about having less, it is about not having everything handed to you. What you make of financial resources or lack thereof will affect whether you have less or not. You're right though, it is not easy. I have a hard time relating to peers (I am single and under 30) who have always had significant financial help from their parents because at times, I've felt a lot of stress and anxiety over the responsibility to support myself. It is better now that I have savings, but starting out was difficult and scary.

And yes, some poors are lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are multi-millionaires. They helped me buy a small condo when I got out of grad school, and gave me a car. I was able to save agressively and buy a house with my husband a few years after our wedding. They didn't give me anything for years, but now are paying half of our private school tuition bills (covering one of two kids). They also started a college fund for each kid. This year they are renting a beach house for a week for my family, them and my sibling's family to all get together. They weren't going to pay for the whole thing, but an investment sent them a $150,000 check last quarter, so they decided to pay more. My sibling and we still struggle a bit in this area because its so much more expensive than where we grew up.

Not to be snarky, but do you understand that you were able to "save aggressively" because you didn't have to pay for your car/all of your housing/student loans?

[Anonymous]

My parents helped my DH and me buy a house in one of the outer 'burbs and I'm not ashamed. They lent us $100k for the downpayment with absolutely no strings attached. We pay them back $10k a year to have the loan repaid in 10 years. I didn't ask for this generous assistance- they offered.

[ThatSmileyFaceGuy]

Grandparents contributing to the 529 is one thing. Or providing a LOAN that will be paid back with generous terms. Even arranging for a vacation for the entire family is fine. But the 50K a year "gifts" is another thing entirely. Especially when you are using it to live beyond what your own jobs can support.

I haven't taken money from my parents since I moved out of the house 25 years ago at 17 to join the military. It's their money, they've earned it and if they spend every dime on themselves and leave me nothing that is fine with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are multi-millionaires. They helped me buy a small condo when I got out of grad school, and gave me a car. I was able to save agressively and buy a house with my husband a few years after our wedding. They didn't give me anything for years, but now are paying half of our private school tuition bills (covering one of two kids). They also started a college fund for each kid. This year they are renting a beach house for a week for my family, them and my sibling's family to all get together. They weren't going to pay for the whole thing, but an investment sent them a $150,000 check last quarter, so they decided to pay more. My sibling and we still struggle a bit in this area because its so much more expensive than where we grew up.

Not to be snarky, but do you understand that you were able to "save aggressively" because you didn't have to pay for your car/all of your housing/student loans?

Duh, yes.

[Anonymous]

ThatSmileyFaceGuy wrote: It's their money, they've earned it and if they spend every dime on themselves and leave me nothing that is fine with me.

What if they want to give something to you now? Shouldn't that be fine too?

[ThatSmileyFaceGuy]

See the rest of my post for acceptable reasons to take the money.

Like I said, I've been on my own for 25 years. Paid through college with a GI Bill. SAved all I could by living on base when in the Army, so I would have money to buy a house when that time came, and now I'm paid rather well for what I do. I live a rather comfortable middle class life and I'm happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

ThatSmileyFaceGuy wrote: It's their money, they've earned it and if they spend every dime on themselves and leave me nothing that is fine with me.

What if they want to give something to you now? Shouldn't that be fine too?

See, I hate this. If someone is going to take tons of money from their parents, let their parents pay private school tuition for their 3 kids, let their parents cover extravagant vacations, provide down payments for homes (or simply buy homes), buy cars, etc. etc., then whatever. I don't have respect for it, but that's their choice. BUT FUCKING OWN IT. Don't go around posturing as some selfless person who accepts all this "because it makes my parents happy" or "I don't have a choice, they WANT to help," or "it benefits them more than me." Please. Take the money if you're going to, but at least admit you're just doing it because it allows you to live a better lifestyle than you could afford yourself and you like living that lifestyle and like that your parents still provide it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

ThatSmileyFaceGuy wrote: It's their money, they've earned it and if they spend every dime on themselves and leave me nothing that is fine with me.

What if they want to give something to you now? Shouldn't that be fine too?

See, I hate this. If someone is going to take tons of money from their parents, let their parents pay private school tuition for their 3 kids, let their parents cover extravagant vacations, provide down payments for homes (or simply buy homes), buy cars, etc. etc., then whatever. I don't have respect for it, but that's their choice. BUT FUCKING OWN IT. Don't go around posturing as some selfless person who accepts all this "because it makes my parents happy" or "I don't have a choice, they WANT to help," or "it benefits them more than me." Please. Take the money if you're going to, but at least admit you're just doing it because it allows you to live a better lifestyle than you could afford yourself and you like living that lifestyle and like that your parents still provide it.

agreed. - 0826