Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you even know she sees it as an emotional affair? Are you sure the infatuation was mutual?

She certainly flirts with him and feeds his ego. When dh mentioned he was sweaty and needed to take a shower, she said she would lick his body up and down. She then asked what he would do if she came over to our house right then, in the middle of the night.

Um WTF? If you actually read this then why in the hell did you not ask your DH about it? Seriously!

I just read it recently and need a little time for it to sink in.

Also, if he knows I'm reading his communication then he will change his password and then I will know nothing.

PP here again. I understand you want to know more but the more it goes on...the more damaging in can get. You might want to deal with it straight on soon!

I just found out this tidbit last night. I haven't even mentioned the other stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do women always want to hold on to their cheating scum husbands? If I were the OP I'd kick him out until he came to his senses and realizes what he was about to lose. And if he didn't, he wasn't worth holding on to. Have some self-respect.

How come when a man cheats he is scum? But when a woman cheats? She was trying to "discover" herself, he never connected with her emotionally, he was too distant, worked too many hours and didn't make her feel sexually desirable, etc?

Really? I've never heard that particular gendered take on affairs. If anything, the bias generally goes the other way. Personally, I have an equally poor opinion of anyone who has an affair - man or woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the contact info for the woman my DH is having an emotional affair with. Should I confront her?

She's divorcee of one year, doesn't seem to be over a previous boyfriend, currently has another unsatisfactory boyfriend, plus the EA with my DH.

See how easy woman have it. They can have a new guy at the snap of the fingers.

Because men will fuck almost anything with tits. You give us this power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the contact info for the woman my DH is having an emotional affair with. Should I confront her?

She's divorcee of one year, doesn't seem to be over a previous boyfriend, currently has another unsatisfactory boyfriend, plus the EA with my DH.

See how easy woman have it. They can have a new guy at the snap of the fingers.

Because men will fuck almost anything with tits. You give us this power.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I confronted the ohter person without my spouse knowing. I first really screwed with their mind and let them knwo bit by bit how much I knew about them personally and professionally and how I could ruin everything. I enjoyed watching them squirm and also enjoyed watching how my spouse grew more upset each day they didn't hear from the other person.

The game i was playing went on for awhile and I was able to get more and more information about the person and their family and friends because of my line of work and kept leaving hints that I knew where they were and what they were doing.

It was great fun.

Imagine going to your company picnic and having a delivery of balloons show up with a note saying something like you need to behave.......

Getting a phone call and the number that appears on your caller ID is your home #

OMG. I wish I knew you when I found out my DH was cheating. We got through it after a lot of hard work on his part. He took a lot of anger from me but I never did really get to share my feelings with the whore and I have always regretted that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Of course you shouldn't do that! What purpose would it serve? Talk to your husband but leave that woman alone.

Really? My counselor recommended contacting the OW. What do I owe her - nothing. If I want somebody to stop being a part of my life I have the right to tell them to get the f out of my life. She decided to be a part of my life - I am not going to sit around like a wuss.

Guess what - if you are driving too fast past where my kids play I will tell you that too - no vows needed.

I *heart* you. Darn straight!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Of course you shouldn't do that! What purpose would it serve? Talk to your husband but leave that woman alone.

Really? My counselor recommended contacting the OW. What do I owe her - nothing. If I want somebody to stop being a part of my life I have the right to tell them to get the f out of my life. She decided to be a part of my life - I am not going to sit around like a wuss.

Guess what - if you are driving too fast past where my kids play I will tell you that too - no vows needed.

I personally think contacting her gives her too much power over you. For my husband's EA, it took me about five minutes to figure out this woman is nothing to be jealous of. She was older than me, less attractive (I know those things are petty but I'm being honest here), but way, way more important, she had moved out on her husband and young kids, had a physical affair with another guy, and didn't try counseling with her husband/father of her kids or anything. She just didn't strike me as someone who was very together or stable (I'd also met her a few times).

I quickly realized SHE wasn't the problem, it was my husband's low self esteem that was causing him to seek from another woman what he should be filling in for himself (validation etc.). So I had no interest in contacting her. She was a non-issue. It was my husband's stuff we had to deal with.

I'm the first PP who said she didn't make vows to this woman and this was my point. The affair partner is not the issue. They are the personification of your husband's issue. You can run her off all you want, but if you don't address the issue that your husband, the person you are married to and can have expectations of, has, you will never rest. There will always be another woman to run off. The woman is so unimportant in the grand scheme of things; you can focus all your attention on her and get nowhere with your husband, which is where the true problem lies. It's like having a rotted tooth that is giving you secondary headaches. You gonna treat the headache, or are you going to treat the rotted tooth?

Says a woman who has never had another woman do this to her.

Look, I agree with your main point that in the long run, you can't save the marriage if the cheater doesn't fix the problem that created it. That is absolutely true. But to hold the OW entirely blameless, as many women seem to want to do, is also wrong. Screwing a married man is wrong. Period. I have never and would never do that to another woman because it is a question of MY integrity. Similarly, I would not steal money from a person I don't know. Although the "what do I owe them" logic could also apply. DH clearly holds 90% of the blame. The OW is still a whore.

[Anonymous]

My DH had an EA. He has had many female friends, and an EA is NOT the same thing.at.all.

We both recognize the difference, although he spent many months saying "just friends" while I wondered what was different about this friend. It took a long time for him to see what I had seen all along: that this one crossed a line, and that he was dating her, not meeting her for dinner or whatever. He finally got it when I asked him why he knew so much about some other woman's hopes and dreams. And I said, "What are my hopes and dreams?" He realized then that he spent all his emotional energy on her - connecting with her. Sharing with her. Listening to her. There was nothing left for me.

So all you people who claim EAs aren't real? I can only hope that you never experience one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH had an EA. He has had many female friends, and an EA is NOT the same thing.at.all.

We both recognize the difference, although he spent many months saying "just friends" while I wondered what was different about this friend. It took a long time for him to see what I had seen all along: that this one crossed a line, and that he was dating her, not meeting her for dinner or whatever. He finally got it when I asked him why he knew so much about some other woman's hopes and dreams. And I said, "What are my hopes and dreams?" He realized then that he spent all his emotional energy on her - connecting with her. Sharing with her. Listening to her. There was nothing left for me.

So all you people who claim EAs aren't real? I can only hope that you never experience one.

Speaking of, I'm surprised no one has mentioned "Not Just Friends," by Dr. Glass yet. OP, this will help: http://www.shirleyglass.com/bookmain.htm

[Anonymous]

Based on what you've told us OP, I'd bet your husband doesn't really mean anything to this woman. He sounds like another diversion from the reality of her life. Women that bold don't care about the wife. If you contacted her, it wouldn't surprise me if she told you off and you'd be hurt even more. Handle this with your DH and forget the other woman.

[Anonymous]

Screwing a married man is wrong. Period. I have never and would never do that to another woman because it is a question of MY integrity. Similarly, I would not steal money from a person I don't know.

I don't think anyone disagrees that it is wrong. I think people are saying that in the long term, it usually isn't helpful to the wife to focus a lot of energy on being angry at the OW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Of course you shouldn't do that! What purpose would it serve? Talk to your husband but leave that woman alone.

Really? My counselor recommended contacting the OW. What do I owe her - nothing. If I want somebody to stop being a part of my life I have the right to tell them to get the f out of my life. She decided to be a part of my life - I am not going to sit around like a wuss.

Guess what - if you are driving too fast past where my kids play I will tell you that too - no vows needed.

I personally think contacting her gives her too much power over you. For my husband's EA, it took me about five minutes to figure out this woman is nothing to be jealous of. She was older than me, less attractive (I know those things are petty but I'm being honest here), but way, way more important, she had moved out on her husband and young kids, had a physical affair with another guy, and didn't try counseling with her husband/father of her kids or anything. She just didn't strike me as someone who was very together or stable (I'd also met her a few times).

I quickly realized SHE wasn't the problem, it was my husband's low self esteem that was causing him to seek from another woman what he should be filling in for himself (validation etc.). So I had no interest in contacting her. She was a non-issue. It was my husband's stuff we had to deal with.

I'm the first PP who said she didn't make vows to this woman and this was my point. The affair partner is not the issue. They are the personification of your husband's issue. You can run her off all you want, but if you don't address the issue that your husband, the person you are married to and can have expectations of, has, you will never rest. There will always be another woman to run off. The woman is so unimportant in the grand scheme of things; you can focus all your attention on her and get nowhere with your husband, which is where the true problem lies. It's like having a rotted tooth that is giving you secondary headaches. You gonna treat the headache, or are you going to treat the rotted tooth?

Says a woman who has never had another woman do this to her.

Look, I agree with your main point that in the long run, you can't save the marriage if the cheater doesn't fix the problem that created it. That is absolutely true. But to hold the OW entirely blameless, as many women seem to want to do, is also wrong. Screwing a married man is wrong. Period. I have never and would never do that to another woman because it is a question of MY integrity. Similarly, I would not steal money from a person I don't know. Although the "what do I owe them" logic could also apply. DH clearly holds 90% of the blame. The OW is still a whore.

I don't think we disagree with you. Of course the OW is a whore. But our point is at least for me, she is a non-issue. It wasn't her beauty or talents or humor or anything else that attracted my husband to her, it was the fact that she was desperate and even more lost than he was, and they could validate the hell out of each other. My point was she had no power over me. I wasn't jealous of her so I didn't need to confront her. Maybe it would have been worse had I not known her, but in my case, she was not that attractive or desirable and her life was a fucking mess. I just didn't need to deal with her - it was my husband I needed to grow up and be a man. I don't really care what happens to her. If it wasn't her it would have been some other mess of a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Screwing a married man is wrong. Period. I have never and would never do that to another woman because it is a question of MY integrity. Similarly, I would not steal money from a person I don't know.

I don't think anyone disagrees that it is wrong. I think people are saying that in the long term, it usually isn't helpful to the wife to focus a lot of energy on being angry at the OW.

You'd be surprised. I've been reading "he cheated on me" threads since I found DCUM and there is a vocal minority of women who think there is nothing wrong with dating a married man and that the OW owes the wife nothing. They frequently hide behind the logic of "he took the vows, not me." It's disgusting.

Anyway, while the DH is the primary party here, it's also perfectly fine to hate the OW. Those are valid and normal feelings and it's counterproductive, IMHO, to tell the wife that feeling mad at the OW also is wrong - at least in the short run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Of course you shouldn't do that! What purpose would it serve? Talk to your husband but leave that woman alone.

Really? My counselor recommended contacting the OW. What do I owe her - nothing. If I want somebody to stop being a part of my life I have the right to tell them to get the f out of my life. She decided to be a part of my life - I am not going to sit around like a wuss.

Guess what - if you are driving too fast past where my kids play I will tell you that too - no vows needed.

I personally think contacting her gives her too much power over you. For my husband's EA, it took me about five minutes to figure out this woman is nothing to be jealous of. She was older than me, less attractive (I know those things are petty but I'm being honest here), but way, way more important, she had moved out on her husband and young kids, had a physical affair with another guy, and didn't try counseling with her husband/father of her kids or anything. She just didn't strike me as someone who was very together or stable (I'd also met her a few times).

I quickly realized SHE wasn't the problem, it was my husband's low self esteem that was causing him to seek from another woman what he should be filling in for himself (validation etc.). So I had no interest in contacting her. She was a non-issue. It was my husband's stuff we had to deal with.

I'm the first PP who said she didn't make vows to this woman and this was my point. The affair partner is not the issue. They are the personification of your husband's issue. You can run her off all you want, but if you don't address the issue that your husband, the person you are married to and can have expectations of, has, you will never rest. There will always be another woman to run off. The woman is so unimportant in the grand scheme of things; you can focus all your attention on her and get nowhere with your husband, which is where the true problem lies. It's like having a rotted tooth that is giving you secondary headaches. You gonna treat the headache, or are you going to treat the rotted tooth?

Says a woman who has never had another woman do this to her.

Look, I agree with your main point that in the long run, you can't save the marriage if the cheater doesn't fix the problem that created it. That is absolutely true. But to hold the OW entirely blameless, as many women seem to want to do, is also wrong. Screwing a married man is wrong. Period. I have never and would never do that to another woman because it is a question of MY integrity. Similarly, I would not steal money from a person I don't know. Although the "what do I owe them" logic could also apply. DH clearly holds 90% of the blame. The OW is still a whore.

I don't think we disagree with you. Of course the OW is a whore. But our point is at least for me, she is a non-issue. It wasn't her beauty or talents or humor or anything else that attracted my husband to her, it was the fact that she was desperate and even more lost than he was, and they could validate the hell out of each other. My point was she had no power over me. I wasn't jealous of her so I didn't need to confront her. Maybe it would have been worse had I not known her, but in my case, she was not that attractive or desirable and her life was a fucking mess. I just didn't need to deal with her - it was my husband I needed to grow up and be a man. I don't really care what happens to her. If it wasn't her it would have been some other mess of a woman.

Honestly, you actually sound pretty mad at her. You describe her in the worst possible terms. DESERVEDLY, but if she really was a non-issue it is unlikely that you would waste even a single vowel describing what a loser she is. No, she had no capacity to steal your husband and you don't have any cause to be jealous. And she doesn't have power over you, him, or your marriage. She never did. But she still betrayed you and you seem, as any normal person would be, mad about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Of course you shouldn't do that! What purpose would it serve? Talk to your husband but leave that woman alone.

Really? My counselor recommended contacting the OW. What do I owe her - nothing. If I want somebody to stop being a part of my life I have the right to tell them to get the f out of my life. She decided to be a part of my life - I am not going to sit around like a wuss.

Guess what - if you are driving too fast past where my kids play I will tell you that too - no vows needed.

I personally think contacting her gives her too much power over you. For my husband's EA, it took me about five minutes to figure out this woman is nothing to be jealous of. She was older than me, less attractive (I know those things are petty but I'm being honest here), but way, way more important, she had moved out on her husband and young kids, had a physical affair with another guy, and didn't try counseling with her husband/father of her kids or anything. She just didn't strike me as someone who was very together or stable (I'd also met her a few times).

I quickly realized SHE wasn't the problem, it was my husband's low self esteem that was causing him to seek from another woman what he should be filling in for himself (validation etc.). So I had no interest in contacting her. She was a non-issue. It was my husband's stuff we had to deal with.

I'm the first PP who said she didn't make vows to this woman and this was my point. The affair partner is not the issue. They are the personification of your husband's issue. You can run her off all you want, but if you don't address the issue that your husband, the person you are married to and can have expectations of, has, you will never rest. There will always be another woman to run off. The woman is so unimportant in the grand scheme of things; you can focus all your attention on her and get nowhere with your husband, which is where the true problem lies. It's like having a rotted tooth that is giving you secondary headaches. You gonna treat the headache, or are you going to treat the rotted tooth?

Says a woman who has never had another woman do this to her.

Look, I agree with your main point that in the long run, you can't save the marriage if the cheater doesn't fix the problem that created it. That is absolutely true. But to hold the OW entirely blameless, as many women seem to want to do, is also wrong. Screwing a married man is wrong. Period. I have never and would never do that to another woman because it is a question of MY integrity. Similarly, I would not steal money from a person I don't know. Although the "what do I owe them" logic could also apply. DH clearly holds 90% of the blame. The OW is still a whore.

I don't think we disagree with you. Of course the OW is a whore. But our point is at least for me, she is a non-issue. It wasn't her beauty or talents or humor or anything else that attracted my husband to her, it was the fact that she was desperate and even more lost than he was, and they could validate the hell out of each other. My point was she had no power over me. I wasn't jealous of her so I didn't need to confront her. Maybe it would have been worse had I not known her, but in my case, she was not that attractive or desirable and her life was a fucking mess. I just didn't need to deal with her - it was my husband I needed to grow up and be a man. I don't really care what happens to her. If it wasn't her it would have been some other mess of a woman.

Honestly, you actually sound pretty mad at her. You describe her in the worst possible terms. DESERVEDLY, but if she really was a non-issue it is unlikely that you would waste even a single vowel describing what a loser she is. No, she had no capacity to steal your husband and you don't have any cause to be jealous. And she doesn't have power over you, him, or your marriage. She never did. But she still betrayed you and you seem, as any normal person would be, mad about that.

Oh, hell yeah I'm mad. Look, we are still in the thick of this. He just ended things and we are just working on stuff. We have a long way to go. But my point is I have no desire to contact her. Yeah I'm pissed at them both, but I still don't think she is worth contacting. I didn't mean to imply the affair was a non-issue, I meant SHE is a non-issue. As in, she could be one of any number of women he had an affair with.

FWIW it did not get physical though my husband was ready to end the marriage (or so he thought. Once he came out of the fog things started changing. He didn't want to leave for her, as by the time I discovered what as happening things had cooled between them for the most part, but the affair definitely led him to think, I don't think I love my wife anymore!). It might be different if it was a physical affair...maybe I would want to contact her or her husband. I don't know. I don't think either of them meant for things to go this far, they are both married, have kids, etc. They were just both struggling and turned to each other as an escape instead of facing their issues.