Reply to Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]WTF? Of course you shouldn't do that! What purpose would it serve? Talk to your husband but leave that woman alone.[/quote]

Really? My counselor recommended contacting the OW. What do I owe her - nothing. If I want somebody to stop being a part of my life I have the right to tell them to get the f out of my life. She decided to be a part of my life - I am not going to sit around like a wuss.

Guess what - if you are driving too fast past where my kids play I will tell you that too - no vows needed.[/quote]

I personally think contacting her gives her too much power over you. For my husband's EA, it took me about five minutes to figure out this woman is nothing to be jealous of. She was older than me, less attractive (I know those things are petty but I'm being honest here), but way, way more important, she had moved out on her husband and young kids, had a physical affair with another guy, and didn't try counseling with her husband/father of her kids or anything. She just didn't strike me as someone who was very together or stable (I'd also met her a few times).

[b]I quickly realized SHE wasn't the problem, it was my husband's low self esteem that was causing him to seek from another woman what he should be filling in for himself (validation etc.). So I had no interest in contacting her. She was a non-issue. It was my husband's stuff we had to deal with.[/quote][/b]

I'm the first PP who said she didn't make vows to this woman and this was my point. The affair partner is not the issue. They are the personification of your husband's issue. You can run her off all you want, but if you don't address the issue that your [i]husband[/i], the person you are [i]married to[/i] and [i]can[/i] have expectations of, has, you will never rest. There will always be another woman to run off. The woman is so unimportant in the grand scheme of things; you can focus all your attention on her and get nowhere with your husband, which is where the true problem lies. It's like having a rotted tooth that is giving you secondary headaches. You gonna treat the headache, or are you going to treat the rotted tooth? [/quote]

Says a woman who has never had another woman do this to her.

Look, I agree with your main point that in the long run, you can't save the marriage if the cheater doesn't fix the problem that created it. That is absolutely true. But to hold the OW entirely blameless, as many women seem to want to do, is also wrong. Screwing a married man is wrong. Period. I have never and would never do that to another woman because it is a question of MY integrity. Similarly, I would not steal money from a person I don't know. Although the "what do I owe them" logic could also apply. DH clearly holds 90% of the blame. The OW is still a whore.[/quote]

I don't think we disagree with you. Of course the OW is a whore. But our point is at least for me, she is a non-issue. It wasn't her beauty or talents or humor or anything else that attracted my husband to her, it was the fact that she was desperate and even more lost than he was, and they could validate the hell out of each other. My point was she had no power over me. I wasn't jealous of her so I didn't need to confront her. Maybe it would have been worse had I not known her, but in my case, she was not that attractive or desirable and her life was a fucking mess. I just didn't need to deal with her - it was my husband I needed to grow up and be a man. I don't really care what happens to her. If it wasn't her it would have been some other mess of a woman.[/quote]

Honestly, you actually sound pretty mad at her. You describe her in the worst possible terms. DESERVEDLY, but if she really was a non-issue it is unlikely that you would waste even a single vowel describing what a loser she is. No, she had no capacity to steal your husband and you don't have any cause to be jealous. And she doesn't have power over you, him, or your marriage. She never did. But she still betrayed you and you seem, as any normal person would be, mad about that.[/quote]

Oh, hell yeah I'm mad. Look, we are still in the thick of this. He just ended things and we are just working on stuff. We have a long way to go. But my point is I have no desire to contact her. Yeah I'm pissed at them both, but I still don't think she is worth contacting. I didn't mean to imply the affair was a non-issue, I meant SHE is a non-issue. As in, she could be one of any number of women he had an affair with.

FWIW it did not get physical though my husband was ready to end the marriage (or so he thought. Once he came out of the fog things started changing. He didn't want to leave for her, as by the time I discovered what as happening things had cooled between them for the most part, but the affair definitely led him to think, I don't think I love my wife anymore!). It might be different if it was a physical affair...maybe I would want to contact her or her husband. I don't know. I don't think either of them meant for things to go this far, they are both married, have kids, etc. They were just both struggling and turned to each other as an escape instead of facing their issues.[/quote]

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