How would you react to this kid's birthday party invitation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Technically, you are not supposed to mention gifts on an invitation. BUT, I do think this is a nice idea.

And even if the cynics are right and the parents pushed the kid that way - imagine the joy the birthday girl is going to get from completing this donation. That's a lesson that will stay with her all of her life. The joy of giving to others in need. I think it's wonderful.

Not really, because she isn't giving anything that is hers or that has any value to her. If she received birthday presents then donated them, then I agree it is a good lesson. But taking soup cans and pasta out of a bin people dropped it in at her big bash and giving it to poor people isn't going to have much meaning and is kind of disrespectful.

Are you intentionally missing the point? Instead of doing a greedy gift grab - "me me me! More My Little Ponies!" - this kid is passing up on gifts for herself and instead giving that opportunity to OTHERS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Technically, you are not supposed to mention gifts on an invitation. BUT, I do think this is a nice idea.

And even if the cynics are right and the parents pushed the kid that way - imagine the joy the birthday girl is going to get from completing this donation. That's a lesson that will stay with her all of her life. The joy of giving to others in need. I think it's wonderful.

Not really, because she isn't giving anything that is hers or that has any value to her. If she received birthday presents then donated them, then I agree it is a good lesson. But taking soup cans and pasta out of a bin people dropped it in at her big bash and giving it to poor people isn't going to have much meaning and is kind of disrespectful.

Are you intentionally missing the point? Instead of doing a greedy gift grab - "me me me! More My Little Ponies!" - this kid is passing up on gifts for herself and instead giving that opportunity to OTHERS.

What message is it sending to a child that telling other people to donate to charity equals a selfless act. She shouldn't be taught that this is what giving is about. It also sends a message that the child was entitled to gifts in the first place which is not the case. You shouldn't expect a gift from someone. You really shouldn't assume you are entitled to a present and then tell the would be giver what they should get you (even if what you request is a charity donation).

[Anonymous]

Oh come on with the "it's not polite to assume you're getting gifts" and therefore don't tell people to bring a can of soup to your party. It's an 8 year old's birthday party for crying out loud! Of course gifts are involved! Who goes to a child's birthday party and doesn't bring a gift? It's not like the invitation says "sweaters from The Gap only". She's asking for food donations in lieu of a gift. If you find that soooo beyond the realm of proper etiquette bring a board game. Everyone needs to lighten up.

[Anonymous]

It is impolite to solicit gifts, let alone to request specific gifts!

This is a lesson that apparently needs to be taught to the so called unprovable 80% of readers of this thread.

[Anonymous]

How in the world is a food donation a gift to an 8 year old???? It's not. There, I answered my own question. You can't see the difference between asking for a donation to a food bank and asking for a new bike? Then I can't help you.

[Anonymous]

A slightly different perspective on these donations--I tried something similar years and years ago for my daughter's 5th (I think?) birthday. We did gently used or new books for a children't charity. The reason I offered that option is because I was told parents would not want to come empty handed to a kid's birtday party, so my "no gifts necessary; your presence is your present," instruction would not be heeded. It wasn't because I was trying to use the birthday party to solicit charitable donations or teach my kid a lesson about giving.

[Anonymous]

But it's not polite to tell your party guests what they need to or should not bring. It's never okay. Etiquette wise it's not even appropriate to put on the invitation not to bring a gift. If a guest inquires you can say that their presence is the only gift you'd want but otherwise it's not polite to give guests instructions.

If OP wants a teaching moment she should have her daughter organize a food drive, fund raising event, donate her own time. Doing a b-day party and asking for food donations really is not teaching her much. She'll feel "good" about giving when she actually didn't do any giving herself.


PP again - I did want to mention that I don't judge OP. I think her heart is in the right place...I just have differing opinions on the subject.

Of course you're judging the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But it's not polite to tell your party guests what they need to or should not bring. It's never okay. Etiquette wise it's not even appropriate to put on the invitation not to bring a gift. If a guest inquires you can say that their presence is the only gift you'd want but otherwise it's not polite to give guests instructions.

If OP wants a teaching moment she should have her daughter organize a food drive, fund raising event, donate her own time. Doing a b-day party and asking for food donations really is not teaching her much. She'll feel "good" about giving when she actually didn't do any giving herself.


PP again - I did want to mention that I don't judge OP. I think her heart is in the right place...I just have differing opinions on the subject.

Of course you're judging the OP.

She asked for feedback and I provided it. I don't think she is a bad person or has bad intentions. If my friend had a party for her kids and requested food donations I would do it with a smile on my face because I would know she means well. I wouldn't mention my opinion on the subject to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But it's not polite to tell your party guests what they need to or should not bring. It's never okay. Etiquette wise it's not even appropriate to put on the invitation not to bring a gift. If a guest inquires you can say that their presence is the only gift you'd want but otherwise it's not polite to give guests instructions.

If OP wants a teaching moment she should have her daughter organize a food drive, fund raising event, donate her own time. Doing a b-day party and asking for food donations really is not teaching her much. She'll feel "good" about giving when she actually didn't do any giving herself.


PP again - I did want to mention that I don't judge OP. I think her heart is in the right place...I just have differing opinions on the subject.

Of course you're judging the OP.

Um, she asked us to judge her.

This is all so stupid. If you need a million ways to rationalize a genuine good deed in an improper setting, we see that. It is quite transparent. The OP must know at some level this is wrong or she wouldn't be asking the question on a forum, hoping to get some support for her idea so she feels better about it. She has even asked for help working her invitation (which curiously no one has offered). The concept is bad etiquette and impolite and just because a bunch of you think it is OK doesn't in fact make it so.

[Anonymous]

30 kids plus parents and, maybe, siblings?!?!?! that is so weird. by 8 years old, your child should be able to choose a manageable small group of good friends and have a lovely party. why so many?
the size of the party seems much more showy and ostentatious than would the graciously acceptance of birthday gifts. also, can't a child's party simply be a child's party. why must it be an opportunity for the parents to make a statement about their charitable impulses. your charitable choices can be private and not involve your party guests.

[Anonymous]

I have a copy of Miss Manners book in my office --she would disapprove. You never ask for someone to give to charity in your behalf.

I like the idea floated by several others here -- a truly selfless act would be to have the child skip the party this year and donate the money you would have spent on the party...that way it is your money going to your charity...not someone else's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a copy of Miss Manners book in my office --she would disapprove. You never ask for someone to give to charity in your behalf.

I like the idea floated by several others here -- a truly selfless act would be to have the child skip the party this year and donate the money you would have spent on the party...that way it is your money going to your charity...not someone else's.

I love Miss Manners! She is the real deal...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So some of you would rather buy a kid a $20 toy that they may not want or like than be asked to direct the same $20 toward food for people who don't have any?

That is some very bizarre logic and world view. I hope I do not know you. I get that you don't want to be asked to contribute to your co-worker's pet causes.... but complaining about an opportunity to teach your own kids about kids who have no food and being generous... that is very strange and a sad statement on your humanity.

I completely agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a copy of Miss Manners book in my office --she would disapprove. You never ask for someone to give to charity in your behalf.

I like the idea floated by several others here -- a truly selfless act would be to have the child skip the party this year and donate the money you would have spent on the party...that way it is your money going to your charity...not someone else's.

Yes, but regardless of miss manners, with a party like this - everyone "wins". The kid gets to have a party. Everybody eats cake. Plays games. Has a nice meal. At the end a box of staples goes to the homeless shelter. Those who find this unbearably impolite can decline the invitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Technically, you are not supposed to mention gifts on an invitation. BUT, I do think this is a nice idea.

And even if the cynics are right and the parents pushed the kid that way - imagine the joy the birthday girl is going to get from completing this donation. That's a lesson that will stay with her all of her life. The joy of giving to others in need. I think it's wonderful.

Not really, because she isn't giving anything that is hers or that has any value to her. If she received birthday presents then donated them, then I agree it is a good lesson. But taking soup cans and pasta out of a bin people dropped it in at her big bash and giving it to poor people isn't going to have much meaning and is kind of disrespectful.

It teaches them more about the satisfaction of giving to others than a written thank you note is going to teach about gratitude.