Deciding on whether to have a 2nd child when you don't know how severe your 1st will be disabled

[Anonymous]

A hint, not a hot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And by the way, no parent is responsible for encouraging you to live abroad. You've gotta be kidding me.

If your young adult feels they are expected to stick close to home to care for a disabled sibling, you should encourage then to pursue their dreams and not be a third parent.

I'm going to throw you a big curve ball here: YOUR PARENTS HAVE DREAMS TOO. Perhaps your mother wanted to live in Europe. Perhaps your mother wanted to be a famous artist. Perhaps she wanted to go to medical school. Perhaps she wanted a date night.

The point is, your parents are not martyrs, they are people too. It sounds to me like you don't have children yet. Because I really only came to the realization after I had children that my parents were also works-in-progress and that I couldn't just go around blaming them for not constantly nurturing me and tending my dreams and doing everything perfectly. That they probably did the best they could to balance things on a daily basis and shot from the hip most of the time. Yes, they had needs too, and wow, my mother was only 23 when I was born!!! A baby herself!

You really ought to get some therapy. I don't mean that in a nasty way. I think it would be tremendously helpful for you. Because scolding us and lecturing us about how we treat our imaginary/potential SN and neurotypical kids is pretty weird and probably not very fulfilling for you.

Not scolding you, trying to give you some insight from the perspective of the now adult sibling of a disabled child. My parents blew it. Maybe you won't. I hope you don't, for all your kids sakes.

As for my own kids, they are not hypothetical, but very real so I know how hard it is balancing two under any circumstances. If you can do that and all the therapy appointments, IEP meetings, etc and still find balance-- great. Most families can't. Which is why I volunteer with SN families to provide respite for siblings.

And, yes, we even play stickball sometimes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't log into DCUM all that much lately but something made me this morning...sort of funny that I saw my old thread again from so long ago! Kid #2 is almost 2 years old and having a second one is the best decision we ever made. Kid #1 has struggled with bad health problems this year and is more delayed than I ever imagined, so it has been a tough year for us. Kid #2 provides some levity and delight in typical toddler behavior and makes us laugh daily. But he is also a toddler and prone to being highly irrational which has its own challenges! I have been more stressed this year than ever before, but I would say also very happy. The second kid definitely upped the stress level but has given us lots of joy. I'm not sure they will ever be playmates because kid #2 passed kid #1 by a year old, but that's ok. I never think of kid #2 as being a future caretaker for kid #1. All I can hope is to raise kid #2 to love #1 fiercely so I can be sure that when we are gone, there will still be someone here who loves #1 as much as we do. We can make financial plans for #1's future care, and we hope #2 can just provide some love.

Hi OP, I restarted your thread. I am sorry to hear it's been a hard year, but so glad to hear that kid 2 was a good decision for you and your family. My brother has a situation similar to yours, but the children are all older. The NT kids are wonderful with the delayed sibling, going out of their way to entertain and care of their sibling. Although this situation is hard for the whole family, the siblings rarely feel held back and I think they are the best kids I know. I think I big part of why they're so great is the experience they've had with their sibling.

I just found out I'm pregnant again and my kid 1 is significantly delayed, although in a different and less severe way than your kid 1 or my brother's. I am terrified. It's been helpful to me to read your thread, so thank you for starting it. Wishing you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And by the way, no parent is responsible for encouraging you to live abroad. You've gotta be kidding me.

If your young adult feels they are expected to stick close to home to care for a disabled sibling, you should encourage then to pursue their dreams and not be a third parent.

I'm going to throw you a big curve ball here: YOUR PARENTS HAVE DREAMS TOO. Perhaps your mother wanted to live in Europe. Perhaps your mother wanted to be a famous artist. Perhaps she wanted to go to medical school. Perhaps she wanted a date night.

The point is, your parents are not martyrs, they are people too. It sounds to me like you don't have children yet. Because I really only came to the realization after I had children that my parents were also works-in-progress and that I couldn't just go around blaming them for not constantly nurturing me and tending my dreams and doing everything perfectly. That they probably did the best they could to balance things on a daily basis and shot from the hip most of the time. Yes, they had needs too, and wow, my mother was only 23 when I was born!!! A baby herself!

You really ought to get some therapy. I don't mean that in a nasty way. I think it would be tremendously helpful for you. Because scolding us and lecturing us about how we treat our imaginary/potential SN and neurotypical kids is pretty weird and probably not very fulfilling for you.

Not scolding you, trying to give you some insight from the perspective of the now adult sibling of a disabled child. My parents blew it. Maybe you won't. I hope you don't, for all your kids sakes.

As for my own kids, they are not hypothetical, but very real so I know how hard it is balancing two under any circumstances. If you can do that and all the therapy appointments, IEP meetings, etc and still find balance-- great. Most families can't. Which is why I volunteer with SN families to provide respite for siblings.

And, yes, we even play stickball sometimes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't log into DCUM all that much lately but something made me this morning...sort of funny that I saw my old thread again from so long ago! Kid #2 is almost 2 years old and having a second one is the best decision we ever made. Kid #1 has struggled with bad health problems this year and is more delayed than I ever imagined, so it has been a tough year for us. Kid #2 provides some levity and delight in typical toddler behavior and makes us laugh daily. But he is also a toddler and prone to being highly irrational which has its own challenges! I have been more stressed this year than ever before, but I would say also very happy. The second kid definitely upped the stress level but has given us lots of joy. I'm not sure they will ever be playmates because kid #2 passed kid #1 by a year old, but that's ok. I never think of kid #2 as being a future caretaker for kid #1. [b]All I can hope is to raise kid #2 to love #1 fiercely so I can be sure that when we are gone, there will still be someone here who loves #1 as much as we do. We can make financial plans for #1's future care, and we hope #2 can just provide some love.

Hi OP, I restarted your thread. I am sorry to hear it's been a hard year, but so glad to hear that kid 2 was a good decision for you and your family. My brother has a situation similar to yours, but the children are all older. The NT kids are wonderful with the delayed sibling, going out of their way to entertain and care of their sibling. Although this situation is hard for the whole family, the siblings rarely feel held back and I think they are the best kids I know. I think I big part of why they're so great is the experience they've had with their sibling.

I just found out I'm pregnant again and my kid 1 is significantly delayed, although in a different and less severe way than your kid 1 or my brother's. I am terrified. It's been helpful to me to read your thread, so thank you for starting it. Wishing you all the best.

This is exactly the thinking that made me go for no. 2.