Deciding on whether to have a 2nd child when you don't know how severe your 1st will be disabled

[Anonymous]

Sibling of a disabled child here: please don't have a second child to have a built in care-taker or playmate for the first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sibling of a disabled child here: please don't have a second child to have a built in care-taker or playmate for the first.

I'm sorry for your experience, but NO ONE is talking about doing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sibling of a disabled child here: please don't have a second child to have a built in care-taker or playmate for the first.

I'm sorry for your experience, but NO ONE is talking about doing this.

Reread the original post carefully.

[Anonymous]

The one from 2011?

[Anonymous]

This is an old thread but it's been updated steadily since 2011. This is a question that a lot of SN parents have. I read through it when I was trying to get pregnant with no. 2.

[Anonymous]

Don't put the burden of taking care of your special needs child onto your other children. That is not fair. They have their own wants and desires for their future.

Have another child if you want another child, not because you want a playmate or caretaker.

[Anonymous]

I don't get this anti-caring for family thing, and it bugs me on two levels:

1. I wouldn't have a child just to breed slave labor for my SN kid, but I would like to raise all my kids to be compassionate and pull together when family needs it. If my NT sister suddenly had a traumatic brain injury or a stroke or whatever, I would pull together with family to take care of her. I'm not saying be a martyr but maturity is all about balancing your needs with those of your family/community. Would anyone really be proud of a child who walked away from a sick parent or sibling? I'd be bummed I raised such an asshole.

2. This attitude seems to reflect the larger social attitude towards people with disabilities. They're such a burden, etc. Disability is part of human life, it's a state anyone can slip in and out of throughout life. I get that it's scary to imagine yourself in that situation, but most of us will get old and frail, some of us will have accidents or other tragedies strike out of nowhere, and we as a society need to deal with that reality and step up to care for those in need. It shouldn't fall on individual families alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't get this anti-caring for family thing, and it bugs me on two levels:

1. I wouldn't have a child just to breed slave labor for my SN kid, but I would like to raise all my kids to be compassionate and pull together when family needs it. If my NT sister suddenly had a traumatic brain injury or a stroke or whatever, I would pull together with family to take care of her. I'm not saying be a martyr but maturity is all about balancing your needs with those of your family/community. Would anyone really be proud of a child who walked away from a sick parent or sibling? I'd be bummed I raised such an asshole.

2. This attitude seems to reflect the larger social attitude towards people with disabilities. They're such a burden, etc. Disability is part of human life, it's a state anyone can slip in and out of throughout life. I get that it's scary to imagine yourself in that situation, but most of us will get old and frail, some of us will have accidents or other tragedies strike out of nowhere, and we as a society need to deal with that reality and step up to care for those in need. It shouldn't fall on individual families alone.

Note your own word maturity. Now imagine being a small child and having your needs to a back seat to those of a sibling with SN? Do you think that would be a healthy way to grow up?

It is difficult enough to meet every child's needs when there are no SN, chronic illnesses, or traumatic accidents.

No one is saying "Don't have other kids." Just don't raise them to feel beholden to always be the playmate or caregiver. Let your 10 year son play stick ball every afternoon even if his brother can't. Encourage your 25 year old DD to move abroad if that's what she's always dreamt of doing.

[Anonymous]

Pp, you are setting up straw men. Get some therapy. No one on this forum took away your play time.

[Anonymous]

We have a NT 6yo and a pretty delayed almost 3yo. 2yo isn't yet walking or talking, has lots of therapies and appointments, had lots of attachments (feeding tube, cannula, etc) for the first year. My little guys are the best of friends and adore each other. Oldest is youngest's biggest cheerleader. Currently expecting our 3rd. Was it a risk to get pregnant, sure was. Truthfully, part of our decision was based on wanting our oldest to have a NT sibling to go through life with, but mostly, we just love being parents and wanted to expand our family. We give both kids chances to do activities just for them, but our oldest pretty much always insists we bring his brother .

[Anonymous]

And by the way, no parent is responsible for encouraging you to live abroad. You've gotta be kidding me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And by the way, no parent is responsible for encouraging you to live abroad. You've gotta be kidding me.

If your young adult feels they are expected to stick close to home to care for a disabled sibling, you should encourage then to pursue their dreams and not be a third parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And by the way, no parent is responsible for encouraging you to live abroad. You've gotta be kidding me.

If your young adult feels they are expected to stick close to home to care for a disabled sibling, you should encourage then to pursue their dreams and not be a third parent.

I'm going to throw you a big curve ball here: YOUR PARENTS HAVE DREAMS TOO. Perhaps your mother wanted to live in Europe. Perhaps your mother wanted to be a famous artist. Perhaps she wanted to go to medical school. Perhaps she wanted a date night.

The point is, your parents are not martyrs, they are people too. It sounds to me like you don't have children yet. Because I really only came to the realization after I had children that my parents were also works-in-progress and that I couldn't just go around blaming them for not constantly nurturing me and tending my dreams and doing everything perfectly. That they probably did the best they could to balance things on a daily basis and shot from the hip most of the time. Yes, they had needs too, and wow, my mother was only 23 when I was born!!! A baby herself!

You really ought to get some therapy. I don't mean that in a nasty way. I think it would be tremendously helpful for you. Because scolding us and lecturing us about how we treat our imaginary/potential SN and neurotypical kids is pretty weird and probably not very fulfilling for you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't log into DCUM all that much lately but something made me this morning...sort of funny that I saw my old thread again from so long ago! Kid #2 is almost 2 years old and having a second one is the best decision we ever made. Kid #1 has struggled with bad health problems this year and is more delayed than I ever imagined, so it has been a tough year for us. Kid #2 provides some levity and delight in typical toddler behavior and makes us laugh daily. But he is also a toddler and prone to being highly irrational which has its own challenges! I have been more stressed this year than ever before, but I would say also very happy. The second kid definitely upped the stress level but has given us lots of joy. I'm not sure they will ever be playmates because kid #2 passed kid #1 by a year old, but that's ok. I never think of kid #2 as being a future caretaker for kid #1. All I can hope is to raise kid #2 to love #1 fiercely so I can be sure that when we are gone, there will still be someone here who loves #1 as much as we do. We can make financial plans for #1's future care, and we hope #2 can just provide some love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't get this anti-caring for family thing, and it bugs me on two levels:

1. I wouldn't have a child just to breed slave labor for my SN kid, but I would like to raise all my kids to be compassionate and pull together when family needs it. If my NT sister suddenly had a traumatic brain injury or a stroke or whatever, I would pull together with family to take care of her. I'm not saying be a martyr but maturity is all about balancing your needs with those of your family/community. Would anyone really be proud of a child who walked away from a sick parent or sibling? I'd be bummed I raised such an asshole.

2. This attitude seems to reflect the larger social attitude towards people with disabilities. They're such a burden, etc. Disability is part of human life, it's a state anyone can slip in and out of throughout life. I get that it's scary to imagine yourself in that situation, but most of us will get old and frail, some of us will have accidents or other tragedies strike out of nowhere, and we as a society need to deal with that reality and step up to care for those in need. It shouldn't fall on individual families alone.

Note your own word maturity. Now imagine being a small child and having your needs to a back seat to those of a sibling with SN? Do you think that would be a healthy way to grow up?

It is difficult enough to meet every child's needs when there are no SN, chronic illnesses, or traumatic accidents.

No one is saying "Don't have other kids." Just don't raise them to feel beholden to always be the playmate or caregiver. Let your 10 year son play stick ball every afternoon even if his brother can't. Encourage your 25 year old DD to move abroad if that's what she's always dreamt of doing.

Here is a hot. If your last experience with something involved stickball, you should be open to the possibility that things have changed.