Deciding on whether to have a 2nd child when you don't know how severe your 1st will be disabled

[Anonymous]

I don't have a child with a physical disability (neurological delays) but honestly I didn't know what the outcome would be when I had my second...although we were in a good place when I got pregnant .... they had made dire predictions about my first but I think I sort of just blocked the idea that my second could possibly have the same issues. I wanted a family, a bigger family, so badly, and I wanted a sibling for my daughter so badly. We went for it, and my younger one trotted around to therapies for three or four years with us. He was actually jealous i.e. "When do I get to go to speech and gym?" He has been and continues to be a loving sibling to her, a leader in helping her make friends and play in groups and he has her back....even at five years old. He is fiercely loyal to her. Its complicated and there are no guarantees but if this is what you want I hope you get it.

[Anonymous]

3 kids here. Oldest HFA, younger two completely neurotypical. We had them so close together that child #1 didn't have a dx until #3 was born (although by then we were aware of development delays). Wouldn't do anything differently. Younger two children are the best built-in social group we could have imagined. Oldest is very bright, very unusual, and we believe that living with her will teach them more about understanding difference and diversity than mere words ever could.

Life isn't easy, but we all rise to the occasion. Or so we hope.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We would not have a second without getting genetic testing done so we are a long way away from having a serious conversation about a second one. But even if the genetics turn out ok, does that tell me everything I need to know? What if I had a second one and he/she turned out to be a jerk? I guess I'm saying that genetic testing will only get me so far in the decision, and I worry that because I have a special needs #1, I will expect #2 to be perfectly healthy which is a poor assumption to make. I may have a special needs #1, but I also have the world's best sleeper, happiest funniest little guy around. #2 could be perfectly healthy but not sleep through the night until he's 2!

I have 2 NT kids, neither of whom slept through the night until they were 2. Just....don't know...FYI?

Good luck with your decision, either way.

[Anonymous]

I didn't know #1 was autistic until #2 was born. I'm glad I didn't or I probably wouldn't have had her. She has been so wonderful for her older brother. Absolutely the best playmate and friend. After she was born, her brother made huge improvement in his social skills.

The decision to have a second child is so personal. Do you have family nearby to help out? The more help you have, the better. It really does take a village to raise a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your second child will be the world's worst sleeper, will hate vegetables, have a food allergy, be allergic to your cat, bite, only want to wear red, demand your constant attention, want Star Wars read to them every 30 minutes, be grumpy when they're tired, be a Daddy's girl/boy, and wish their big brother was never born 60% of the time. They will demand that you play with them when #1 is napping, get sick in the middle of the night, beg for horse lessons and roller skates, and want to take tae kwon do three times a week. If you still want a 2nd child knowing all that, then you should try to have one. If only a perfect child will do, then consider sticking with one.

Reading this post made me want so badly to have another child. I miss these things so much (mine is now 11).

[Anonymous]

good luck.

Life is challenging. I would also chime in on what family resources are available and what other family responsibilities will you have? Do you have healthy grandparents ready, willing and able to lend a hand - or in contrast are you anticipating becoming the caregiver to your parents or in-laws. Is your marriage a true partnership? Is your spouse handling things ok now, but might drown if more is demanded of them? At the end of the day - resources, time, energy and basic disposition are the most important factors.

I am seeing a wave of divorces in friends who have older kids and a big issue in a lot of these divorces is that the fathers really did not have it in them to co-parent. All the kids are NT. After much therapy, one mom told me that on reflection she realized that her unhelpful unreliable former husband - was actually trying but he simply lacked certain basic empathy to really be a good dad. He could be a fun dad - but he was not built to be a good dad.

So, take a hard look at yourself and your spouse. If you have all the building blocks for success and willing to do all the hard work - go for it.

[Anonymous]

Giving this a bump as I am wrestling with the (overall) issue of whether or not to have a second when the first has special needs. Any updates from pp's or additional thoughts from others?

[Anonymous]

I have two HFA kids and one NT kid. I had #2 before we knew #1 had ASD, and frankly life was hellish when #1 and #2 were really little... then when #2 was 5, we decided to have a 3rd. I couldn't imagine life without any of them. It has its challenges, but they are such awesome kids!

[Anonymous]

OP here: Interesting timing to see my thread resurrected as we have just decided to try for #2. A year ago, I was still struggling with occasional deep sadness at what my little one might not be able to do in his life. Fast forward a year, and he is still waaaay behind (cannot even crawl yet at age 2 and does not have any words), but he has turned into such an amazing little person with his own personality that I rarely have those sad moments anymore. This is my child and I have accepted it. We decided not to let fear influence our decision to have a second. We will get all the genetic testing done that we can, so that will make this experience different and probably more difficult than my first pregnancy. Who knows what awaits us, but life as a whole is uncertain, right?

[Anonymous]

The only reason to have another child, in my humble opinion, is because you want one and your family does not feel complete. Not to take care of #1, not to provide a playmate for #1. That is a recipe for disappointment on your end and resentment on the kid's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only reason to have another child, in my humble opinion, is because you want one and your family does not feel complete. Not to take care of #1, not to provide a playmate for #1. That is a
recipe for disappointment on your end and resentment on the kid's.

Agree. It would be grossly unfair to have another child for these reasons.

[Anonymous]

Good for you for going for #2. It sounds like you are settled with the issues of #1 and you would always wonder what a 2nd child would bring to your life. There's no perfect child; my #1 is autistic and #2 is super easy, but they both need attention in their own ways. #1 needs therapy and consistent parenting. #2 needs attention and constant love and reassurance. It works. Not adding a 3rd, though! Good luck to you, OP. It will be fine because you seem like a really good parent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only reason to have another child, in my humble opinion, is because you want one and your family does not feel complete. Not to take care of #1, not to provide a playmate for #1. That is a
recipe for disappointment on your end and resentment on the kid's.

Agree. It would be grossly unfair to have another child for these reasons.

But lots of people (most) I know went for the 2nd to give #1 a sibling. Of course they all end up loving #2 in his/her own right. Do you know anyone who had another for the "wrong" reasons who actually is disappointed or resentful? Doubt it.

[Anonymous]

Rite

[Anonymous]

Bump