Deciding on whether to have a 2nd child when you don't know how severe your 1st will be disabled

[Anonymous]

I guess this was bumped because I new poster is struggling with this question?

[Anonymous]

I think it would make more sense to it aside whatever you would have spent on a second child into a trust fund to help care for the sn child once you are gone.

I don't think it is appropriate to bring a child into this world to be a future caretaker for a sn child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it would make more sense to it aside whatever you would have spent on a second child into a trust fund to help care for the sn child once you are gone.

I don't think it is appropriate to bring a child into this world to be a future caretaker for a sn child.

So many people have latched onto this. I really doubt the OP intended to create a servant for her first child. DCUM commenters make the worst assumptions over and over. It's really tiring. Can we give the posters a little bit of credit on these boards? They are mostly likely not insensitive monsters who breed children for selfish reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your second child will be the world's worst sleeper, will hate vegetables, have a food allergy, be allergic to your cat, bite, only want to wear red, demand your constant attention, want Star Wars read to them every 30 minutes, be grumpy when they're tired, be a Daddy's girl/boy, and wish their big brother was never born 60% of the time. They will demand that you play with them when #1 is napping, get sick in the middle of the night, beg for horse lessons and roller skates, and want to take tae kwon do three times a week. If you still want a 2nd child knowing all that, then you should try to have one. If only a perfect child will do, then consider sticking with one.

This X 1000. Don't forget that you have to do all this for #2 while ALSO taking #1 to hours and hours of therapy per week, conducting at home therapy that specialists will encourage you to do, attending doctors and hospital stays that will exhaust your emotional and financial resources, and organize life for #2 so that he/she can still have some sort of normal childhood. It's, please excuse my language, a f*cking hard, involved life. You rarely get a break, at least for the first 4-5 years. Some people thrive on that type of life, some don't. Only you can answer that question.

[Anonymous]

My sister was in a very similar place as you OP. The had their second child when their SNs son was 2.5, and two years later they had a third. The kids are now 8, 5, and 3.

She does not regret having the second at all, and not the third either, although she has said she's not sure if having a third was the best idea (her third also has SNs, although not nearly as severe). That said, she works harder than any mom I know and has had to be very proactive in managing her stress. To that end, she's on anti-anxiety meds, has a good network of baby sitters (who can handle her children's needs), has found ways to ensure that she's able to exercise most days, and is able to get away for a night or two a couple times a year with just her husband. They've pretty much adopted your philosophy that "whatever keeps us happy and healthy and sane makes us better equipped emotionally for the daily challenges parenting a SN kid brings".

Overall, they are happy. Having siblings has been wonderful for my nephew, although my sister has to be cognizant that she doesn't place too much responsibility on her NT middle child, who by personality and circumstances has definitely taken on a bit of a mothering role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would make more sense to it aside whatever you would have spent on a second child into a trust fund to help care for the sn child once you are gone.

I don't think it is appropriate to bring a child into this world to be a future caretaker for a sn child.

So many people have latched onto this. I really doubt the OP intended to create a servant for her first child. DCUM commenters make the worst assumptions over and over. It's really tiring. Can we give the posters a little bit of credit on these boards? They are mostly likely not insensitive monsters who breed children for selfish reasons.

I don't think PPs think the person is doing this deliberately to make a caretaker for the child with SN. They are pointing out the reality. I have contact with families who have adults with SN. It is a very real issue. Setting up a fund to care for the person with SN, and the financial strain of it.
Adult NT siblings who are heading into adulthood, thinking about college, marriage, families of their own, but with the knowledge that a huge part of their lives will involve caring for their sibling. Forever. In some cases sibling living with them forever.

I think people just want OP to consider the long term ramifications of caring for a child with SN.

[Anonymous]

OP here, and again it's funny to see my original thread resurrected as we are now happily pregnant and excited about #2. Despite my original post 2 years ago, we did not get pregnant with #2 hoping to create a little caretaker for #1. We would never put that burden on any child. But we did hope, in the way that many parents of NT kids hope, I am sure, that #2 and #1 will love each other and be playmates, and that our family will feel complete. We adore #1 and my big worry throughout pregnancy is how I could love #2 as much as I love #1! Looking back on my original post, it seems to me that I was only asking those questions because I wasn't ready yet to have #2. Once we had more time to adjust to life with #1, it became clear that we wanted to stick with our original vision of our family, which was 2 kids, and that we did not want #1's special needs to be a reason not to realize that vision.

[Anonymous]

Congrats OP! I hope everything goes swimmingly. How's your little one doing now?

[Anonymous]

Congrats OP! Best wishes for your family.

[Anonymous]

Congrats OP! Nice to hear you are happy and well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would make more sense to it aside whatever you would have spent on a second child into a trust fund to help care for the sn child once you are gone.

I don't think it is appropriate to bring a child into this world to be a future caretaker for a sn child.

So many people have latched onto this. I really doubt the OP intended to create a servant for her first child. DCUM commenters make the worst assumptions over and over. It's really tiring. Can we give the posters a little bit of credit on these boards? They are mostly likely not insensitive monsters who breed children for selfish reasons.

I don't think PPs think the person is doing this deliberately to make a caretaker for the child with SN. They are pointing out the reality. I have contact with families who have adults with SN. It is a very real issue. Setting up a fund to care for the person with SN, and the financial strain of it.
Adult NT siblings who are heading into adulthood, thinking about college, marriage, families of their own, but with the knowledge that a huge part of their lives will involve caring for their sibling. Forever. In some cases sibling living with them forever.

I think people just want OP to consider the long term ramifications of caring for a child with SN.

*eyeroll*

Uh, yeah, this is exactly what I'm talking about. You assume I am unaware of the lifelong financial strain and responsibility required for a special needs child who will someday be an adult with a disability? We are on the Special Needs board! I doubt these considerations are foreign to any of us. Please skip the obvious!

[Anonymous]

We waited until our sn child gained enough skills that he needed less energy from us. In the first trimester already I was so wiped out from fatigue and nausea. We hired a live-in nanny with sn experience, and 2nd baby isn't even out of the womb yet! But the big thing is that our child can talk (enough) and has enough social skills to be willing to interact with nanny. Still pregnant so I dont know what lies ahead. Just my experience, hope it helps.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you still out there? Can you update?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids - the older one is NT the younger SN. It's very, very difficult. The biggest challenge for my husband and me is not expecting perfection from our NT kid. I have many friends and family members with SN kids and before we decided to have #2, we would talk all the time about how we would NEVER treat the NT kid like we saw those around us doing (expecting stellar behavior and flexibility, annoyance with "minor" health/emotional/school issues, etc). Unfortunately, now I now why we saw that behavior so ubiquitously: it's very difficult to be emotionally present and to attend to everyone's needs. Often, my SN kid's needs are more immediate and more complex (read exhausting) and I just run out of steam by the time I attend to NT's needs. We are thinking of doing some family therapy to figure this all out, but, honestly, the thought that my NT kid won't really understand it all until much later, when emotional damage is done, haunts me. I try so very hard to be even-handed, but sometimes my parenting skills just suck. Most days I'm spent. Anyway, good luck with your decision.

This, this, this! Please understand that the impact on the non-disabled child can be extreme. No, it likely IS. IF you have the financial resources and the emotional resources, and by that I mean, you need to do a serious assessment on how truly patient you and your husband are, and if not, do you have the financial resources to bring in LOTS and LOTS of outside help. Research tells us that it is extremely difficult on children raised with disabled siblings, in the best of circumstances. That's not to say that you shouldn't have a child. But it is to say that you need to do understand that your other child will be negatively impacted by #1's disability.

[Anonymous]

This is a very old thread.