s/o: How offensive would it be to get liquored up before sex duty?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's really not that difficult. In my opinion marriage is about much more than sex.

Keep up the good work!

[Anonymous]

OP - I haven't read all the posts but do you enjoy your DH's company? Do you guys have fun when you are together? Not all the time of course, but at least half the time? I'm just curious if the lack of interest in sex has anything to do with how you feel about him as person. Allowing him to seek it elsewhere is not going make the everyday living any easier. IMHO

[Anonymous]

OP, no one here has enough information to tell you an actual solution.

But I can say with absolute certainty that the solution needs to be within your marriage. Involving other women instantly destroys the marriage you have. I respect your devotion to your children, and in their honor, you MUST NOT even consider infidelity, not even "with permission.". Not only does infidelity disrespect you, your husband, and your children it also disrespects any women your husband might get involved with, because he would be treating them as a means to an end, using them like things. That is always wrong.

Perhaps if you share more information, you could get more help. But perhaps this is not the right place to ask for help. You should be honest with your husband, but put your marriage FIRST in that discussion.

Some accident could happen tomorrow that could take your husband's sexual health permanently. What would your love for him look like then? His love for you? Your love for your children? Do you love him as a whole person? Would he take a bullet for you, your kids?

Love is an act of will. You promised to love one another forever. Honor that promise, and find a solution based on love, not utilitarianism or expediency.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have to bring the sexless perspective. I think you should try it a few times. If your husband asks why tell him the truth. In our marriage my spouse has no interest in sex 96 percent of the time. I resent the spouse for not at least making some sort of effort. I never plan to leave but often wonder if I can accept sexlessness for the next 40 years. If spouse ever tried to please me I would be more loyal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. DH does not need to know because I know it would hurt him a lot. I love him. The marriage is good except for that. If it were possible for me to be attracted to him perhaps I'd tell him and work on it, but it's not possible. I had not been attracted to him for some time before having kids, but after having kids I had a total loss of libido for years. I had no interest in anything to do with sex. Then when my interest returned I found myself thinking about other men and not him. It surprised me, but at least it gives me something to think about when I'm doing what has to be done.

I sympathize with your situation, PP, which is obviously very difficult. But if I was your DH I would feel like my marriage was a sham if this is what was going on.

Yep. I think that--just with "cheating"--lies can only hold up for so long. As so many have pointed out, it's the dishonesty, not the sex, right?

[Anonymous]

Involving other women instantly destroys the marriage you have. I respect your devotion to your children, and in their honor, you MUST NOT even consider infidelity, not even "with permission.". Not only does infidelity disrespect you, your husband, and your children it also disrespects any women your husband might get involved with, because he would be treating them as a means to an end, using them like things.

Perhaps involving other women instantly destroys the "marriage you have", but precipitates the marriage you *can* have. Aside from all these bromides about disrespect, etc... I find your celebration of dishonesty less respectful than an honest, open, adult relationship. Obviously an "monogamish" relationship might not work for everyone--especially those who are aredently religious, and whose religion happens to frown on such things--but who are you to decide?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. DH does not need to know because I know it would hurt him a lot. I love him. The marriage is good except for that. If it were possible for me to be attracted to him perhaps I'd tell him and work on it, but it's not possible. I had not been attracted to him for some time before having kids, but after having kids I had a total loss of libido for years. I had no interest in anything to do with sex. Then when my interest returned I found myself thinking about other men and not him. It surprised me, but at least it gives me something to think about when I'm doing what has to be done.

I sympathize with your situation, PP, which is obviously very difficult. But if I was your DH I would feel like my marriage was a sham if this is what was going on.

Yep. I think that--just with "cheating"--lies can only hold up for so long. As so many have pointed out, it's the dishonesty, not the sex, right?

I think this, but recognize the difficulty of the situation, since it really is true that it will be very painful for PP's husband to hear this, and it will cause significant instability for their children's environment. On the other hand, one partner to a marriage unilaterally deciding to deceive the other on such a core aspect of their marriage seems deeply wrong, as well. Not much to really say other than that the dice sometimes come up snake eyes and you end up in a situation where there are no good choices.

[Anonymous]

Love is an act of will. You promised to love one another forever. Honor that promise, and find a solution based on love, not utilitarianism or expediency.

Oh, one last thing: I find your conflation of "love" and "sex" to be a fatuous one.

[Anonymous]

I take a muscle relaxant and about an hour later I'm willing to let him do just about anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Involving other women instantly destroys the marriage you have. I respect your devotion to your children, and in their honor, you MUST NOT even consider infidelity, not even "with permission.". Not only does infidelity disrespect you, your husband, and your children it also disrespects any women your husband might get involved with, because he would be treating them as a means to an end, using them like things.

Perhaps involving other women instantly destroys the "marriage you have", but precipitates the marriage you *can* have. Aside from all these bromides about disrespect, etc... I find your celebration of dishonesty less respectful than an honest, open, adult relationship. Obviously an "monogamish" relationship might not work for everyone--especially those who are aredently religious, and whose religion happens to frown on such things--but who are you to decide?

Reread my post. I said repeatedly that she needs to be honest with her husband. I did the opposite of "celebrating dishonesty.". And infidelity is, in fact, wrong.

But let's be theoretical. Let's say that consenting adults can make up their own rules. That overlooks the fact that there are children involved. They do not get to consent to anything. Children have the right to parents who stay committed to each other through everything, and OP has acknowledged that. Put aside all the other reasons going OUtSIDE the marriage is always wrong, and nothing can get past that.

Discretion and lies don't help. Other women means X factors beyond anyone's control. You never treat human beings as means to an end. The consequences are always negative.

Lastly, love and sex are not the same thing. Love is agape, philia, eros. Love is an act of will as well as a human emotion and a physical act. Spouses need open, honest communication and a willingness to sacrifice, all WITHIN the marriage.

Any other option is guaranteed to fail.

[Anonymous]

"I grew up in a house where it was evident on a daily basis that my mother "loathed" my dad. It was a pretty toxic, tense environment to grow up in, and I often wished my parents would split up. I don't know you, your husband, or your circumstances. But I just hope that you consider that even if you solve the sex problem, your kids may still be negatively affected if you and your husband are unhappy in your marriage."

I grew up in a similar environment and echo PPs concerns. Please tell us more, OP. Is this really a pure sex issue for you? It's hard for me to imagine that you would loathe sex with DH if you had an otherwise happy and healthy marriage (althoug I obviously dont have all the facts).

I guess I wonder if the sexual issues are a symptom of something else going on in the marriage. Even if it is just sex, I would think those issues would find their way negatively manifesting in someway day to day...If either of these senerios are true (and no one know that but you) you may need to re-think your saving the marriage for the kids rationale.

Kids pick up on a whole lot more than we sometimes give them credit for and an unhappy marriage can be just as harmful (if not more so) than divorce. At least that was the case for myself and my siblings who have had challenges in our relationship due to growing up watching our parents disfunctional relationship. Try to take a good hard look at all factors at play and be honest with yourself about what is really going on.

If the relationship is otherwise good and the only issue really is the sex (again, hard for me to concieve, but I give you the benefit of the doubt), I agree with those who encouraged you to whatever you have to (drink a bottle of wine/whatever) to make it happen before you give DH a pass to look outside the marriage...

GL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. DH does not need to know because I know it would hurt him a lot. I love him. The marriage is good except for that. If it were possible for me to be attracted to him perhaps I'd tell him and work on it, but it's not possible. I had not been attracted to him for some time before having kids, but after having kids I had a total loss of libido for years. I had no interest in anything to do with sex. Then when my interest returned I found myself thinking about other men and not him. It surprised me, but at least it gives me something to think about when I'm doing what has to be done.

DIAF.