s/o: How offensive would it be to get liquored up before sex duty?

[Anonymous]

I've done it. And I generally like sex. My kids are all older...2 away at college. 3 teens at home. Surprisingly, it doesn't get a whole lot easier when the kids get older. If anything, I am busier now than I was when the kids were little.

A glass of wine (or 2, or 3) will usually put me "in the mood" pretty fast.

[Anonymous]

OP, I echo this question - Do you loathe sex in general or just sex with your DH? Were you ever sexually attracted to him?

[Anonymous]

It's not that complicated. Have a couple of drinks, have sex, go to sleep. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not that complicated. Have a couple of drinks, have sex, go to sleep. Problem solved.

Its not that simple. OP is not just trying to relax or get in the mood. Based on her posts she wants to be drunk to the point that she becomes ok with something that she normally would not enjoy. Fail to see how this is sustainable in the long-term, expecially for someone who admits that they are not much of a drinker. Also, I think her husband is bound to notice if she is totally drunk each time they have sex and what happens if he initiate sex at times other than bedtime - does she go have drink at 6 in the morning is that is when he approaches her.

[Anonymous]

OP: you still haven't shared exactly why you loathe the sex. Please share. Is it that he has changed physically? Do you resent him for something? Did you enjoy sex at some point in your life? Can you imagine liking it again with someone else?
I'm curious because I also am in your same situation. My reason is resentment about some decisions he has made that have affected our finances as well as his physical shape....

[Anonymous]

Drink up that is what my friend told me to do and it was fun like when we first started dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Accept the sex? The first time or two before I caught on to what was going on. After that, I really can't say. Probably yes for the physical satisfaction, especially if I wasn't getting any otherwise, but I would still be hurt and even a bit resentful.

Another DH. If my DW reaches the point where she needs to get drunk to have sex with me, I'm going to look elsewhere. How does anyone expect someone else to live that way? Totally unfair.

Ah, but then, see, you'd be "dishonest".

True. But that seems to me like the least bad of a whole lot of bad choices, if things are that far gone.

I am OP. This is the problem, I/we are left with a handful of really bad choices as I see it. We're past vaginal hormone creams and porn. We are left with divorce, extracurricular affairs, obligatory sex that I -loathe- (vs. kind of dislike) or obligatory sex that I don't mind because I'm somewhat drunk. All bad.

Someone is going to post now to the effect that divorce is kinder or something. Well, sure, for my husband it would be if he could find a nice 27 yr old pretty quickly and re-start the coitus clock in a new relationship.

But getting divorced is emphatically NOT in the best interests of my school-age children who are at the worst possible age, btw. Which is why I'm desperately casting about for less-bad alternatives. Thank you for your input thus far.

Stop with the excuse that this is for the kids. Every age is the worst possible age. What's worse? Imprinting them with the image of a bad marriage, so that they carry it into their own marriage.

What you really mean is that you think he can start all over with someone else, and that kills you. Grow up. Don't put your kids through a miserable experience that they will never be able to erase.

[Anonymous]

I'm right there with you, OP. Hate the sex but love the husband. Have hated the sex for at least the past 20 years. I've definitely been attracted to other men but not DH. I'm not about to give him, or myself, a pass. Despite my lack of sexual interest in him I think extracurricular activity is a quick way to ruin a good marriage that has only one significant problem. So drink up, OP. I'll keep closing my eyes and thinking of another guy. DH does not need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm right there with you, OP. Hate the sex but love the husband. Have hated the sex for at least the past 20 years. I've definitely been attracted to other men but not DH. I'm not about to give him, or myself, a pass. Despite my lack of sexual interest in him I think extracurricular activity is a quick way to ruin a good marriage that has only one significant problem. So drink up, OP. I'll keep closing my eyes and thinking of another guy. DH does not need to know.

DH here. I'm curious, why do you think your DH isn't entitled to know this? It's a major reality of your marriage and no doubt has significant effects on it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am not judging you, and I am actually very sympathetic to your situation. I sort of admire your pragmatic view of this situation. My concern, though, is that drinking in order to get you in the mood will not be a long term solution. Sure it will work for a while, but I wonder if your libido won't start to be numb to the effects of the alcohol before long.

[ThatSmileyFaceGuy]

Anonymous wrote:I'm right there with you, OP. Hate the sex but love the husband. Have hated the sex for at least the past 20 years. I've definitely been attracted to other men but not DH. I'm not about to give him, or myself, a pass. Despite my lack of sexual interest in him I think extracurricular activity is a quick way to ruin a good marriage that has only one significant problem. So drink up, OP. I'll keep closing my eyes and thinking of another guy. DH does not need to know.

So then your idea of a"good" marriage includes a rather significant set of lies

[Anonymous]

Pp here. DH does not need to know because I know it would hurt him a lot. I love him. The marriage is good except for that. If it were possible for me to be attracted to him perhaps I'd tell him and work on it, but it's not possible. I had not been attracted to him for some time before having kids, but after having kids I had a total loss of libido for years. I had no interest in anything to do with sex. Then when my interest returned I found myself thinking about other men and not him. It surprised me, but at least it gives me something to think about when I'm doing what has to be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. DH does not need to know because I know it would hurt him a lot. I love him. The marriage is good except for that. If it were possible for me to be attracted to him perhaps I'd tell him and work on it, but it's not possible. I had not been attracted to him for some time before having kids, but after having kids I had a total loss of libido for years. I had no interest in anything to do with sex. Then when my interest returned I found myself thinking about other men and not him. It surprised me, but at least it gives me something to think about when I'm doing what has to be done.

I sympathize with your situation, PP, which is obviously very difficult. But if I was your DH I would feel like my marriage was a sham if this is what was going on.

[Anonymous]

It's really not that difficult. In my opinion marriage is about much more than sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's really not that difficult. In my opinion marriage is about much more than sex.

But you have taken it upon yourself to make that decision for your DH as well. If that's not difficult for you, then you really don't respect his right to make decisions based on what is really going on.