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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
s/o: How offensive would it be to get liquored up before sex duty?
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Anonymous
| Affairs are bad news - even with permission. I think getting tipsy together is a good idea. I think it's good that you are thinking abotu this - lots of couples just stop having sex. It's also good that you are thinking about your kids. |
TheManWithAUsername
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| Given the alternatives in your view, it doesn't seem like you have much to lose. Try it and see how it works for the two of you. However it turns out, I'm impressed by how sensible you're being about this. |
Anonymous
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OP back again. I can't believe I'm admitting this (you guys can't see me, right?), but, I don't think I would mind if my husband got some on the side now and again. Okay I wouldn't mind at all, so long as it wasn't in my face and he didn't bring it home.
And to the PP who said I was trying to be absolved of blame or something ... no way! I'm totally to blame here, at least 50%. I admit that. What I'm -trying- to do is keep our family unit intact for my children. My husband doesn't disagree on this point, fwiw. |
Anonymous
Oh yeah, then, I'd totally bring it up to him that if he's discreet and careful about it so it doesn't get out to friends/family and you don't have to know about it, you'll look the other way if he needs to get some from somewhere else. He gets what he wants (well, kind of, I'm sure he'd still prefer you), you get what you want, and the family remains intact. Does he travel for work? Tell him to confine his activities to when he's out of town. You really don't need to know the who/what/when/wheres. |
Anonymous
That's a very sensible approach. I'd have two concerns: 1. This will be difficult to communicate to him, because he will likely interpret it as some kind of test and not feel free to respond honestly at first, and 2. this may well hurt his feelings and you need to be sensitive to that. Also, he may suspect that you've found someone else yourself and are planning to exit the marriage, which is a legitimate concern and something you need to defuse if you want this to be a constructive conversation. If you want to go this route, and it sounds like it might be the best one for you, I do think that a counselor could help facilitate the discussion. This is not a risk-free course of action, either, but my guess it is lesser risk than continuing as you are and waiting for the inevitable blowup. But that is a judgment call. |
Anonymous
| I would be worried about pps two points as well as dh falling for his hookup. My dh would. Just out of nosiness op do you loathe sex with dh or generally? |
Anonymous
| I was just thinking about this the other night. DH understandably wants more sex. We have an infant and a pre-schooler and by the time everyone is in bed it is time to get sex in before the first nighttime feeding. The other night it was the first time I'd stopped moving and as soon as I laid down on the bed all the the things I needed to think about rushed into my head. At that point I though that I should have had a glass of wine so I could relax a bit more. Not the same thing, right? |
Anonymous
DH from above. That sounds like normal parenthood to me. OP's situation sounds more dire. You don't "loathe" having sex with your DH. |
Anonymous
You should seriously consider a "monogamish" marriage... http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shameless-woman/201107/the-monogamish-marriage-what-if-its-not-cheating-cheat http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/03/magazine/infidelity-will-keep-us-together.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ref=general&src=me http://www.advocate.com/Print_Issue/Features/Monogamish/ |
Anonymous
I was wondering the same thing - and WHY do you loathe sex with him? |
Anonymous
Why do you assume this? It seems like, if your relationship is so fragile that any random person could supplant you, you've got bigger fish to fry than who's rolling in the sheets with whom. |
Anonymous
Nope. Give it a year or three, when the infant is a pre-schooler, and things change considerable. It gets better. |
VivienneJ
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Totally agree. |
Anonymous
Yeah no duh. In the hypothetical case that I was in ops situation (ie big fish) and we tried to solve it with an on the side hookup, knowing my dh I know that he would be unable to enter into a sexual relationship without getting tangled up emotionally. Just something for op to consider. |
Anonymous
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OP, I apologize if I've missed this, but I didn't get a sense of how much the sex issue is leaking into other parts of your relationship. The reason I mention this is because I grew up in a house where it was evident on a daily basis that my mother "loathed" my dad. It was a pretty toxic, tense environment to grow up in, and I often wished my parents would split up.
I don't know you, your husband, or your circumstances. But I just hope that you consider that even if you solve the sex problem, your kids may still be negatively affected if you and your husband are unhappy in your marriage. Best of luck OP with this difficult situation. |