s/o: How offensive would it be to get liquored up before sex duty?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. It's not that I don't enjoy it per se. It's that I'm exhausted all the time with working out of the home and a VERY clingy toddler right now who doesn't give me a minute's peace while my husband can sit idly on the couch surfing the net without a care in the world. So yeah, if he wants sex, he's going to have to wait until a few glasses of wine are in me. Those are the cold, hard facts. I hope it changes with her getting older but right now, that's the way it is.

I'm always curious when I read this kind of thing: Why on Earth does one parent put up with always being the one to put their child to bed? Or to let their kid cling to them like grim death while hubbie surfs the net? Are there still parents in 21st century America who don't take turns putting their kids to bed? Really?

I like putting my son to bed. I do it every night while my husband does whatever he feels like doing, sometimes he's working, sometimes he's just goofing around. Bedtime really just consists of putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, and reading a few books. It's fun and I consider it part of my job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. It's not that I don't enjoy it per se. It's that I'm exhausted all the time with working out of the home and a VERY clingy toddler right now who doesn't give me a minute's peace while my husband can sit idly on the couch surfing the net without a care in the world. So yeah, if he wants sex, he's going to have to wait until a few glasses of wine are in me. Those are the cold, hard facts. I hope it changes with her getting older but right now, that's the way it is.

I'm always curious when I read this kind of thing: Why on Earth does one parent put up with always being the one to put their child to bed? Or to let their kid cling to them like grim death while hubbie surfs the net? Are there still parents in 21st century America who don't take turns putting their kids to bed? Really?

Um, because she's going through a major transition right now and when he puts her to bed she screams bloody murder. She's had a lot to deal with lately and her way of dealing with it is to be very clingy. I put up with it because that's called being a slightly sympathetic parent. It's not the "norm". I said very clingy toddler "right now." While that's going on, I answered this question. In that context. Is that a good enough answer for you, judgmental jerk?

[Anonymous]

ThatSmileyFaceGuy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would be rather hurt and offended if I realized that she HAD to be tipsy to go to bed with me.

OP here. This is one thing I'm worried about. He would definitely know something is up, since I don't drink much now and certainly not while I'm sitting around after DCs go to sleep. It'd be pretty obvious what's up.

So would you still accept the sex, though? Do you think other men would? Or would it be so hurtful that you'd pick the laptop over the sex option.

Accept the sex? The first time or two before I caught on to what was going on. After that, I really can't say. Probably yes for the physical satisfaction, especially if I wasn't getting any otherwise, but I would still be hurt and even a bit resentful.

It would probably go over okay for me if I wasn't aware of it. Otherwise, it would be a bit like me saying I can't have a conversation with DW without getting drunk. Would she appreciate me engaging in conversation with her? Probably. Would it stave off divorce? Possibly. Might just be best to give the guy carte blanche to pursue casual hook-ups, though.

Honesty in, honesty out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. It's not that I don't enjoy it per se. It's that I'm exhausted all the time with working out of the home and a VERY clingy toddler right now who doesn't give me a minute's peace while my husband can sit idly on the couch surfing the net without a care in the world. So yeah, if he wants sex, he's going to have to wait until a few glasses of wine are in me. Those are the cold, hard facts. I hope it changes with her getting older but right now, that's the way it is.

I'm always curious when I read this kind of thing: Why on Earth does one parent put up with always being the one to put their child to bed? Or to let their kid cling to them like grim death while hubbie surfs the net? Are there still parents in 21st century America who don't take turns putting their kids to bed? Really?

I like putting my son to bed. I do it every night while my husband does whatever he feels like doing, sometimes he's working, sometimes he's just goofing around. Bedtime really just consists of putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, and reading a few books. It's fun and I consider it part of my job.

I like it too and actually find it sad when people like PP act like it's a chore. It's a great way to end the day.

[Anonymous]

ThatSmileyFaceGuy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would be rather hurt and offended if I realized that she HAD to be tipsy to go to bed with me.

OP here. This is one thing I'm worried about. He would definitely know something is up, since I don't drink much now and certainly not while I'm sitting around after DCs go to sleep. It'd be pretty obvious what's up.

So would you still accept the sex, though? Do you think other men would? Or would it be so hurtful that you'd pick the laptop over the sex option.

Accept the sex? The first time or two before I caught on to what was going on. After that, I really can't say. Probably yes for the physical satisfaction, especially if I wasn't getting any otherwise, but I would still be hurt and even a bit resentful.

Another DH. If my DW reaches the point where she needs to get drunk to have sex with me, I'm going to look elsewhere. How does anyone expect someone else to live that way? Totally unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. It's not that I don't enjoy it per se. It's that I'm exhausted all the time with working out of the home and a VERY clingy toddler right now who doesn't give me a minute's peace while my husband can sit idly on the couch surfing the net without a care in the world. So yeah, if he wants sex, he's going to have to wait until a few glasses of wine are in me. Those are the cold, hard facts. I hope it changes with her getting older but right now, that's the way it is.

I'm always curious when I read this kind of thing: Why on Earth does one parent put up with always being the one to put their child to bed? Or to let their kid cling to them like grim death while hubbie surfs the net? Are there still parents in 21st century America who don't take turns putting their kids to bed? Really?

I like putting my son to bed. I do it every night while my husband does whatever he feels like doing, sometimes he's working, sometimes he's just goofing around. Bedtime really just consists of putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, and reading a few books. It's fun and I consider it part of my job.

I like it too and actually find it sad when people like PP act like it's a chore. It's a great way to end the day.

Me too. Which is why I find it a bit sad when one partner decides that crucial bonding time is "my job." It shouldn't be something either parent can opt-out of; or monopolize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

ThatSmileyFaceGuy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would be rather hurt and offended if I realized that she HAD to be tipsy to go to bed with me.

OP here. This is one thing I'm worried about. He would definitely know something is up, since I don't drink much now and certainly not while I'm sitting around after DCs go to sleep. It'd be pretty obvious what's up.

So would you still accept the sex, though? Do you think other men would? Or would it be so hurtful that you'd pick the laptop over the sex option.

Accept the sex? The first time or two before I caught on to what was going on. After that, I really can't say. Probably yes for the physical satisfaction, especially if I wasn't getting any otherwise, but I would still be hurt and even a bit resentful.

Another DH. If my DW reaches the point where she needs to get drunk to have sex with me, I'm going to look elsewhere. How does anyone expect someone else to live that way? Totally unfair.

Ah, but then, see, you'd be "dishonest".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

ThatSmileyFaceGuy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would be rather hurt and offended if I realized that she HAD to be tipsy to go to bed with me.

OP here. This is one thing I'm worried about. He would definitely know something is up, since I don't drink much now and certainly not while I'm sitting around after DCs go to sleep. It'd be pretty obvious what's up.

So would you still accept the sex, though? Do you think other men would? Or would it be so hurtful that you'd pick the laptop over the sex option.

Accept the sex? The first time or two before I caught on to what was going on. After that, I really can't say. Probably yes for the physical satisfaction, especially if I wasn't getting any otherwise, but I would still be hurt and even a bit resentful.

Another DH. If my DW reaches the point where she needs to get drunk to have sex with me, I'm going to look elsewhere. How does anyone expect someone else to live that way? Totally unfair.

Ah, but then, see, you'd be "dishonest".

True. But that seems to me like the least bad of a whole lot of bad choices, if things are that far gone.

[Anonymous]

Accept the sex? The first time or two before I caught on to what was going on. After that, I really can't say. Probably yes for the physical satisfaction, especially if I wasn't getting any otherwise, but I would still be hurt and even a bit resentful.

Another DH. If my DW reaches the point where she needs to get drunk to have sex with me, I'm going to look elsewhere. How does anyone expect someone else to live that way? Totally unfair.

Ah, but then, see, you'd be "dishonest".

True. But that seems to me like the least bad of a whole lot of bad choices, if things are that far gone.

I am OP. This is the problem, I/we are left with a handful of really bad choices as I see it. We're past vaginal hormone creams and porn. We are left with divorce, extracurricular affairs, obligatory sex that I -loathe- (vs. kind of dislike) or obligatory sex that I don't mind because I'm somewhat drunk. All bad.

Someone is going to post now to the effect that divorce is kinder or something. Well, sure, for my husband it would be if he could find a nice 27 yr old pretty quickly and re-start the coitus clock in a new relationship.

But getting divorced is emphatically NOT in the best interests of my school-age children who are at the worst possible age, btw. Which is why I'm desperately casting about for less-bad alternatives. Thank you for your input thus far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

ThatSmileyFaceGuy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would be rather hurt and offended if I realized that she HAD to be tipsy to go to bed with me.

OP here. This is one thing I'm worried about. He would definitely know something is up, since I don't drink much now and certainly not while I'm sitting around after DCs go to sleep. It'd be pretty obvious what's up.

So would you still accept the sex, though? Do you think other men would? Or would it be so hurtful that you'd pick the laptop over the sex option.

Accept the sex? The first time or two before I caught on to what was going on. After that, I really can't say. Probably yes for the physical satisfaction, especially if I wasn't getting any otherwise, but I would still be hurt and even a bit resentful.

Another DH. If my DW reaches the point where she needs to get drunk to have sex with me, I'm going to look elsewhere. How does anyone expect someone else to live that way? Totally unfair.

Ah, but then, see, you'd be "dishonest".

True. But that seems to me like the least bad of a whole lot of bad choices, if things are that far gone.

Yep. I'm with Dan Savage on this issue: the flip side to the various vows of sexual exclusivity inherent in marriage is that there's a implicit vow of sexual activity. Obviously there are reasons why sex-life gets put on hold in the short term. The biggest of those is having very young children. But if you're not having sex by the time the kids are 4-5, aren't taking serious steps to fix that, that's a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Accept the sex? The first time or two before I caught on to what was going on. After that, I really can't say. Probably yes for the physical satisfaction, especially if I wasn't getting any otherwise, but I would still be hurt and even a bit resentful.

Another DH. If my DW reaches the point where she needs to get drunk to have sex with me, I'm going to look elsewhere. How does anyone expect someone else to live that way? Totally unfair.

Ah, but then, see, you'd be "dishonest".

True. But that seems to me like the least bad of a whole lot of bad choices, if things are that far gone.

I am OP. This is the problem, I/we are left with a handful of really bad choices as I see it. We're past vaginal hormone creams and porn. We are left with divorce, extracurricular affairs, obligatory sex that I -loathe- (vs. kind of dislike) or obligatory sex that I don't mind because I'm somewhat drunk. All bad.

Someone is going to post now to the effect that divorce is kinder or something. Well, sure, for my husband it would be if he could find a nice 27 yr old pretty quickly and re-start the coitus clock in a new relationship.

But getting divorced is emphatically NOT in the best interests of my school-age children who are at the worst possible age, btw. Which is why I'm desperately casting about for less-bad alternatives. Thank you for your input thus far.

Well, I think the problem here is that you're not really staving off divorce. If your husband's not down with decades of your "faking it", that's just as likely an outcome as if you stopped having sex. So you're just trying to absolve yourself of responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Accept the sex? The first time or two before I caught on to what was going on. After that, I really can't say. Probably yes for the physical satisfaction, especially if I wasn't getting any otherwise, but I would still be hurt and even a bit resentful.

Another DH. If my DW reaches the point where she needs to get drunk to have sex with me, I'm going to look elsewhere. How does anyone expect someone else to live that way? Totally unfair.

Ah, but then, see, you'd be "dishonest".

True. But that seems to me like the least bad of a whole lot of bad choices, if things are that far gone.

I am OP. This is the problem, I/we are left with a handful of really bad choices as I see it. We're past vaginal hormone creams and porn. We are left with divorce, extracurricular affairs, obligatory sex that I -loathe- (vs. kind of dislike) or obligatory sex that I don't mind because I'm somewhat drunk. All bad.

Someone is going to post now to the effect that divorce is kinder or something. Well, sure, for my husband it would be if he could find a nice 27 yr old pretty quickly and re-start the coitus clock in a new relationship.

But getting divorced is emphatically NOT in the best interests of my school-age children who are at the worst possible age, btw. Which is why I'm desperately casting about for less-bad alternatives. Thank you for your input thus far.

I'm not trying to be snarky at all I swear. Can you give him a "pass?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Accept the sex? The first time or two before I caught on to what was going on. After that, I really can't say. Probably yes for the physical satisfaction, especially if I wasn't getting any otherwise, but I would still be hurt and even a bit resentful.

Another DH. If my DW reaches the point where she needs to get drunk to have sex with me, I'm going to look elsewhere. How does anyone expect someone else to live that way? Totally unfair.

Ah, but then, see, you'd be "dishonest".

True. But that seems to me like the least bad of a whole lot of bad choices, if things are that far gone.

I am OP. This is the problem, I/we are left with a handful of really bad choices as I see it. We're past vaginal hormone creams and porn. We are left with divorce, extracurricular affairs, obligatory sex that I -loathe- (vs. kind of dislike) or obligatory sex that I don't mind because I'm somewhat drunk. All bad.

Someone is going to post now to the effect that divorce is kinder or something. Well, sure, for my husband it would be if he could find a nice 27 yr old pretty quickly and re-start the coitus clock in a new relationship.

But getting divorced is emphatically NOT in the best interests of my school-age children who are at the worst possible age, btw. Which is why I'm desperately casting about for less-bad alternatives. Thank you for your input thus far.

Well, in this case, I guess your best option would be to let him have affairs. From what you've written, that would be less painful to you (or at least no more painful) than the sex you loathe. It keeps your kids in their home. Tell him to be discreet, you want no details, and don't bring it home. Getting drunk for sex you actively hate is a very temporary fix. If you don't want to have sex and don't want to divorce, letting him get his satisfaction elsewhere seems like the best option of what you've got, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Accept the sex? The first time or two before I caught on to what was going on. After that, I really can't say. Probably yes for the physical satisfaction, especially if I wasn't getting any otherwise, but I would still be hurt and even a bit resentful.

Another DH. If my DW reaches the point where she needs to get drunk to have sex with me, I'm going to look elsewhere. How does anyone expect someone else to live that way? Totally unfair.

Ah, but then, see, you'd be "dishonest".

True. But that seems to me like the least bad of a whole lot of bad choices, if things are that far gone.

I am OP. This is the problem, I/we are left with a handful of really bad choices as I see it. We're past vaginal hormone creams and porn. We are left with divorce, extracurricular affairs, obligatory sex that I -loathe- (vs. kind of dislike) or obligatory sex that I don't mind because I'm somewhat drunk. All bad.

Someone is going to post now to the effect that divorce is kinder or something. Well, sure, for my husband it would be if he could find a nice 27 yr old pretty quickly and re-start the coitus clock in a new relationship.

But getting divorced is emphatically NOT in the best interests of my school-age children who are at the worst possible age, btw. Which is why I'm desperately casting about for less-bad alternatives. Thank you for your input thus far.

I'm not trying to be snarky at all I swear. Can you give him a "pass?"

That's the logical outcome here: DW wants a non-sexual companionship LTR with DH. DH wants to have occasional sex with someone who finds him attractive. DW wants to prevent this from happening because...fear, jealousy, etc...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Accept the sex? The first time or two before I caught on to what was going on. After that, I really can't say. Probably yes for the physical satisfaction, especially if I wasn't getting any otherwise, but I would still be hurt and even a bit resentful.

Another DH. If my DW reaches the point where she needs to get drunk to have sex with me, I'm going to look elsewhere. How does anyone expect someone else to live that way? Totally unfair.

Ah, but then, see, you'd be "dishonest".

True. But that seems to me like the least bad of a whole lot of bad choices, if things are that far gone.

I am OP. This is the problem, I/we are left with a handful of really bad choices as I see it. We're past vaginal hormone creams and porn. We are left with divorce, extracurricular affairs, obligatory sex that I -loathe- (vs. kind of dislike) or obligatory sex that I don't mind because I'm somewhat drunk. All bad.

Someone is going to post now to the effect that divorce is kinder or something. Well, sure, for my husband it would be if he could find a nice 27 yr old pretty quickly and re-start the coitus clock in a new relationship.

But getting divorced is emphatically NOT in the best interests of my school-age children who are at the worst possible age, btw. Which is why I'm desperately casting about for less-bad alternatives. Thank you for your input thus far.

12:49 here. I'm sympathetic to your plight. Is this a long term thing, or something new? If you've never liked having sex with him much, that's going to be a hard thing to either come clean about or change. If it's recent, do you know the reason? Has he changed? Medical issues? Loathe is a strong word -- what is the reason you've gotten to that point?

The hard truth is that, if you are so uninterested in him sexually, and its not fixable, he will either someday cheat, or he will become sufficiently miserable that he will want a divorce (or his misery will be damaging to your relationship and family). Letting him pursue extramarital options--not cheating, if you give him permission--might be the least bad resolution. It seems to me that if you loathe having sex with him to the point where you'd rather never have sex with him again, why would you actually care if he has sex with someone else? That's an honest question.