Is it reasonable to ask your parents what your inheritance expectations should be?

[Anonymous]

seems bizarre not to discuss it. my dad has spelled out exactly what they have in assets, what their plans are for in case of heath issues, and what they hope to be able to leave us. My mom has indicated to me which piece of property she would like to go to which kid. Pretty normal communication in my opinion.

I would NEVER have asked but this happened to me and my siblings, right before my father remarried (my mom died five years before that. He was having trouble getting new wife to sign a prenup, and thank the baby Jesus he insisted and she did because they divorced two years later and it was a crazy mess, she would have taken him for everything without it.

My dad sat us down, gave us some rough numbers, the forms the money would take (trusts, etc.) and how it was going to be divided, as a way (I think) of letting us know how much there was supposed to be in case he died and the new wife put up a fight. Also picked one of us as the executor, not me though. The number was higher than I expected, but the whole thing made me very uncomfortable. I vaguely include it in my long-term financial plans, my husband definitely does not.

And in this case, it was not "family money" at all - my dad is totally self-made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems as if the subject is taboo. Sort of like asking for a gift or presuming someone IS going to get you a gift.

But if inheritance could possibly have a significant impact on your retirement planning - shouldn't you know this?

I can't imagine NOT telling my daughters what to expect, in general terms, when I die. But I'd feel really akward asking my parents about this. And, ours is a complicated situation, involving significant money, multiple marriages, 6 siblings, one of whom is disabled and will be dependent on the others after my parents die.

Shouldn't inheritance or lack thereof be discussed at least in an overview with one's children?

Good heavens, no! How gauche can you get?

[Anonymous]

I hate when grown ups rely on parents' money.

You are one selfish person.

[Anonymous]

One of the issues here is family financial planning where estate taxes, etc. are concerned. While I wouldn't "ask" my parents about their wills, etc, I would (and have) engaged in a conversation about gifting money to grandchildren, etc. in order to minimize exposure to the federal government.

[Anonymous]

Sure, but you can't count on it.

I expected to inherit $300,000 when my parents died, per my mother. Then daddy married wife #2, and guess what? I now have zero inheritance. I'm so glad I didn't quit work or stop saving for the kids' college because I was counting on that cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is the wise and responsible thing to do. Your family should consult an estate attorney.

You are not greedy and you want to plan - it makes perfect sense to know how much money your parents have, and to help them manage it. ESPECIALLY if you have to organize care for a sibling!

Is this an American, rabidly individualistic and independent thing? Posters on this board always respond MYOB when it comes to multi-generational money matters. I do not think that is responsible. But I'm French, and family money is just that - it belongs to the family and should be discussed.

It is important to plan ahead to get everyone to compromise now and avoid as much tax as possible. Saves a HUGE amount of heartbreak later, trust me - I've been there on all counts.

It's not family money when the money comes from the parent who's the first to die, and then the other parent remarries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems as if the subject is taboo. Sort of like asking for a gift or presuming someone IS going to get you a gift.

But if inheritance could possibly have a significant impact on your retirement planning - shouldn't you know this?

I can't imagine NOT telling my daughters what to expect, in general terms, when I die. But I'd feel really akward asking my parents about this. And, ours is a complicated situation, involving significant money, multiple marriages, 6 siblings, one of whom is disabled and will be dependent on the others after my parents die.

Shouldn't inheritance or lack thereof be discussed at least in an overview with one's children?

Good heavens, no! How gauche can you get?

amazing how horrible your communication is with your own parents. amazing. of course this should be discussed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you guys are really weird. I see this as "family" money too, and I think you owe your children to leave them something if you can, just as your parents owe it to you to leave you something if they can. what is distasteful is blowing your lifetime of earnings on frivolous crap when your kids and their kids could really use it. If I cannot leave my daughters significant funds after I die, and help them with their first houses and their kids while I am alive, I will think I have failed as a parent in some respect. Just like my parents helped me whenever I needed it. It was implicit, just part of our relationship. And it goes both ways - if my parents needed help I would help them unconditionally.

My parents refuse to help my brother financially because he does not, and has not in the past 20 years since graduating from college, work full time. They paid for his college education. Even though they could co-sign loans and "lend" him money, they worked hard for it, and he hasn't and doesn't, so they don't. And I don't need their money, so they don't give me or my children any of it.

[Anonymous]

OMG! People! Didn't you ask when they discussed their final wishes? My parents discussed "when to pull the plug". I told them it was entirely based on the amount I stand to gain. My parents found this hilarious. They have blown every cent since that discussion, but whatever! I would have pulled the plug either way!

[Anonymous]

My children know all of *their* money will be going to the cat, Mr. Biglesworth and Julio, the landscaper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


PP, you seriously think that someone owes you? Your parents? For real? How old are you? If I were your parents, I would be embarrassed for you and leave every penny to charity out of spite for your greedy shameless entitled attitude. I actually heard someone say "it will be mine someday anyway" with this same lazy sh*t attitude. Do for yourself, why don't you. Are you *legitimately* (not in a hypochondriac way) ill that you can not work? Otherwise, YUCK. Just yuck. You disgust me. and I don't even know you.

hah, glad that I disgust you. Yes, I think you owe your kids to try to pass on something after you are gone. That doesn't mean you don't raise them to be self-reliant with good education and a good work ethic. I help my sisters and my parents out unconditionally. They can count on me and I can count on them. We are a family. I'm 41 years old. I certainly plan on leaving my kids an inheritance and that would please me much more than spending a lot of money in my old age.

I am the PP whose mother has dementia, and I hope to leave my kids an inheritance. (I do not agree with you that I "owe" it to them.) On the other hand, it is entirely possible if not likely that I will eventually need every penny of my retirement savings for medical care.

My mom's expenses will be going up to $500/day next month. She never expected for her retirement to be trashed this way. But this is how it is playing out.


The best-laid plans of mice and men, and all that.

[Anonymous]

Keep your mouth shut and assume you are getting nothing. Anything else is greedy and will come across that way if you ask them about it. I think if you bring it up your relationship with them will be damaged. Besides. whatever they tell you now could change dramatically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I support myself and am saving for retirement, thank you. My parents seem to be fairly wealthy. But because we never discuss it, I don't really know. I know vaguely that there is a trust and we (all my siblings and I) will be expected to share in it and use it to provide for my disabled sibling's care. The concern I have is I have no idea what kind of numbers we are talking about here. And my parents are older and had more kids late in life, so it is almost certain that my disabled brother will live for many more years after they die. In fact he may even outlive me. This is a daunting responsibility.

I asked this question because I am in the midst of talking with a financial planner. She asked me about EVERYTHING - my social security (which we all know may not be there), my 401k (ditto) and other savings and investments. Seems to me that the details of what money if any a person might inherit someday, coupled with what expectations EXACTLY there will be for the care of the disabled sibling, is not an unreasonable thing to want to know. I realize that there may be nothing. I realize that my parents may spend it or need it for medical care.

As I said in my first post, it doesn't feel right to ask. Clearly my gut is correct, by the way many of the harpies have wigged out, it is NOT OK to ask about it. Thanks for the info and I can assure you I will be more forthcoming with my own children someday.

Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep your mouth shut and assume you are getting nothing. Anything else is greedy and will come across that way if you ask them about it. I think if you bring it up your relationship with them will be damaged. Besides. whatever they tell you now could change dramatically.

Agree, 100 percent.

[Anonymous]

I would'nt ask and I certainly won't be telling my kids!! What good could come from letting your children know they are going to inherit big bucks? As far as my kids know, they are getting zilch. I want them to be successful in life, not greedy little trust fund babies.