Is it reasonable to ask your parents what your inheritance expectations should be?

[Anonymous]

I would never ask this. I am dealing with my own finances and am planning as if I will get no inheritance.

[Anonymous]

I once felt it was in poor taste to ask one's parents about their finances or any future inheritance. I knew very little about my parents' assets. They grew up during the Depression years and like many of their peers, they always lived very frugally. I never knew if this was by choice or out of necessity, because money was never discussed when I was growing up.

Both died unexpectedly last year and I eventually discovered that their assets were worth close to a million dollars. My mother's estate lawyer revealed this to me, not realizing my sister (the executor) didn't want me to know this. I never would have known because the assets passed to her outside probate.

Both parents had wills which left everything to the surviving spouse or to my sister and I equally if the other spouse had already passed. I know this is what they truly wanted because my mother said as much after my father's death. I didn't ask her any questions about the estate at the time - something I will always regret.

To make a long story short, most of the assets went to my sister because my father added her name as POD beneficiary to their accounts. Like many elderly people, they assumed their wills had the final word and my sister didn't tell them otherwise. There were some assets that would have gone to probate but my sister used her POA to move them into her control while my mother was in the hospital dying. She did eventually share some of the assets with me after I threatened legal action but it was far from the half that my parents wanted me to have. I simply didn't have the resources to get into an costly legal battle with her.

I feel like I failed my parents by not getting past my discomfort and having a discussion about their finances with them. The worst part of this is that I have a severely disabled child whom my parents loved very much. I know her well-being was a priority for them but my sister betrayed their wishes. The family is torn apart forever - this is not what my parents wanted for any of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I once felt it was in poor taste to ask one's parents about their finances or any future inheritance. I knew very little about my parents' assets. They grew up during the Depression years and like many of their peers, they always lived very frugally. I never knew if this was by choice or out of necessity, because money was never discussed when I was growing up.

Both died unexpectedly last year and I eventually discovered that their assets were worth close to a million dollars. My mother's estate lawyer revealed this to me, not realizing my sister (the executor) didn't want me to know this. I never would have known because the assets passed to her outside probate.

Both parents had wills which left everything to the surviving spouse or to my sister and I equally if the other spouse had already passed. I know this is what they truly wanted because my mother said as much after my father's death. I didn't ask her any questions about the estate at the time - something I will always regret.

To make a long story short, most of the assets went to my sister because my father added her name as POD beneficiary to their accounts. Like many elderly people, they assumed their wills had the final word and my sister didn't tell them otherwise. There were some assets that would have gone to probate but my sister used her POA to move them into her control while my mother was in the hospital dying. She did eventually share some of the assets with me after I threatened legal action but it was far from the half that my parents wanted me to have. I simply didn't have the resources to get into an costly legal battle with her.

I feel like I failed my parents by not getting past my discomfort and having a discussion about their finances with them. The worst part of this is that I have a severely disabled child whom my parents loved very much. I know her well-being was a priority for them but my sister betrayed their wishes. The family is torn apart forever - this is not what my parents wanted for any of us.

That is very sad. My parents won't have two cents to their name maybe it is a blessing in disguise.

[Anonymous]

Don't ask about inheritance expectations. Assume your parents will live to an old age and need expensive medical/nursing home care that could wipe them out, and save accordingly. Whatever you end up getting will be a nice surprise.

That said, it is entirely appropriate to ask what plans your parents have made to provide for the disabled sibling after their death.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's reasonable to ask and definitely not reasonable for you to plan on. Your parents could both need years in nursing homes. Your special needs sibling may need expensive care. Assisted living/nursing homes are so expensive that it could really deplete what would otherwise be a substantial inheritance. Why put your parents in an awkward situation by asking about something that you can't plan on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I once felt it was in poor taste to ask one's parents about their finances or any future inheritance. I knew very little about my parents' assets. They grew up during the Depression years and like many of their peers, they always lived very frugally. I never knew if this was by choice or out of necessity, because money was never discussed when I was growing up.

Both died unexpectedly last year and I eventually discovered that their assets were worth close to a million dollars. My mother's estate lawyer revealed this to me, not realizing my sister (the executor) didn't want me to know this. I never would have known because the assets passed to her outside probate.

Both parents had wills which left everything to the surviving spouse or to my sister and I equally if the other spouse had already passed. I know this is what they truly wanted because my mother said as much after my father's death. I didn't ask her any questions about the estate at the time - something I will always regret.

To make a long story short, most of the assets went to my sister because my father added her name as POD beneficiary to their accounts. Like many elderly people, they assumed their wills had the final word and my sister didn't tell them otherwise. There were some assets that would have gone to probate but my sister used her POA to move them into her control while my mother was in the hospital dying. She did eventually share some of the assets with me after I threatened legal action but it was far from the half that my parents wanted me to have. I simply didn't have the resources to get into an costly legal battle with her.

I feel like I failed my parents by not getting past my discomfort and having a discussion about their finances with them. The worst part of this is that I have a severely disabled child whom my parents loved very much. I know her well-being was a priority for them but my sister betrayed their wishes. The family is torn apart forever - this is not what my parents wanted for any of us.

Sad, you should look at inheritance is an extra $$ for you to spend, but not look at it as your right to have. You are not failed your parents because you did not talk to them (their financial) before they die. You just felt you did not get your fair share. Maybe your father had a good reason putting your sister name as POD beneficiary. You are not going to win the legal battle with your sister on POD beneficiary and as long as your sister distributed the assets in accordance to the wills.

[Anonymous]

I think it's better not to know and you feeling entirled to the money is wrong. Anything can happen. MIL told me before DH and I got married that he had all this money in an
Inheritance- it was totally awkward, I smiled and changed the subject. Fast forward fifteen years and that inheritance from dear granny who is living in assisted living for $100,000 a year is gone.

The same thing happened with my grandparents. CD's were established in all grandkids names and while they weren't for much, a $10,000 cd accruing interest for years isn't chump change. Well, my grandmother has lived years beyond her wildest dreams and because of her nursing home bill, every grandchild has lost that inheritance. You can't count your chickens before they hatch. And, cant be bitter with the would have, could have, should have.

[Anonymous]

11:13, while you're right that you can't expect $$$ from an inheritance, I have a hard time justifying why you're A-OK with the sister violating what was the spirit of her parents' wishes.

Now if a PP's parents had left everything to the Cat Lady Foundation, and that PP was whining about that, then yes, you'd be entitled to slap that PP down rhetorically.

Also 13:17 is correct -- the money intended for the kids/grandkids just got spent on healthcare. No room for complaining there.

Also, if a parent wants to give more $$$ to the child with a bigger family, who're worse off, who aren't drug addicts, etc., then yeah. The slighted kid can feel slighted but at least it was a decision made by the parents for reasonable reasons.

But there's a difference between "my parents are spending money on themselves that should be MINE!", "My sibling is getting more money than me, waah!" and "My sister violated the spirit of my parents' wishes by keeping all the money passed on outside probate instead of splitting it 50/50."

Re-read:
"Both parents had wills which left everything to the surviving spouse or to my sister and I equally if the other spouse had already passed. I know this is what they truly wanted because my mother said as much after my father's death. I didn't ask her any questions about the estate at the time - something I will always regret."

[Anonymous]

Funny how inheritances work. My sister was buying a house that was an estate and since there were 6 kids, made a bid based on 6 kids getting a certain amount plus real estate fees. Everything was accepted, she moved in. It wasn't until three months later when someone showed up on her doorstep (one of the six kids) saying how the dad left everything to the one son and nothing to the other five! My sister felt bad but she could obviously do nothing- the woman started wanting furniture that was given to my sister as part of the deal, it was a true mess.

[Anonymous]

As a parent, you do your young children no favors by telling them to expect to inherit money. I've known too many kids who just lost all incentive to grow into their potential because they were going to "get an inheritance". Even a $100,000 inheritance, which we all know is not REALLY all that much money, sounds like a HUGE HUGE HUGE amount of money to a teenager. Let them grow up thinking they will get nothing and that they will have to make their own way in the world.

As for your children when they are adults, ditto. Make them work for their success, it's good for them.

As a parent, be prepared for death. Have your will, living will, financial info, funeral plans, etc., all ready, organized and paid for. It's appropriate to let trusted individuals know where those documents are.

As a child, it's appropriate to ask your parents to have their act together so you don't have to scramble around trying to figure out what they owe and whether they can pay it or not, if they are expecting you to be their executor.

If you have special needs siblings and you want them well taken care of, it's appropriate to ask about their plans and progress towards those plans. If you need to plan to take up the slack, you need to know how much slack needs taking up.

[Anonymous]

I think it's tacky & tasteless to ask your own parents other than being sure that they have a will, POAs, living wills, etc., as desired.

What you tell your kids is different. And so, in my case, when I did what I describe above, my parents shared with me their will & their plans (everything to my brother & me equally), and then later when they got closer to needing more help, got into details of what they had & where (a bit of a surprise how much it was).

And then when they were even more infirm, for ease in helping them & in administering affairs, I became joint owner on 2 bank accounts, credit card, etc., that were used for their (not my) things.

On their death, of course, the joint accounts passed to me outside the will but my brother & I get along and all was disclosed and accounted for &c., in contrast to the sad story about someone above's sister changing ownership, etc.

We are lucky. Our parents raised us well, we have our issues and disagreements but we also have/had a sense of being fair with each other that apparently is missing often.

Even knowing what the potential was for our inheritance, we also knew that it could suffer investment losses, could be eaten up in health & elder care, etc., so we planned with no expectation (and with an asterisk second column just in case).

Now, unfortunately, we know the answer: my father died in 2010, my mother last December, and my brother and I have more $ than we ever counted on. I retired 2 years early, we can continue to live our lives as we have (no Bentleys or new yachts) but things are very secure. It's nice but it's balanced by the void of missing our parents now that we are orphans at age 58 and 55, and you can't put a dollar value on that sense of loss.