Is it reasonable to ask your parents what your inheritance expectations should be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While it's perfectly reasonable to ask where all the important papers are, who has the mortgage, where the bank accounts, investment accounts, life insurance policeis, ect. are in case of a sudden unexpected death. I find it digustingly in bad taste to ask "How much cash to I get when you die?".

Family heirlooms are another matter. My parents have discussed with my sister and I about what family peices are important to us and then they made a list (and many are marked already with small tags in inconpicious places) to add onto their will. We don't know who gets what, except for what is tagged, but we agreed that talking about the "heirlooms" is better while our parents are still very much alive.

I don't feel strongly about this either way (we are in the camp that MIL tells us she will pay for college but we don't count on that) but I find it odd that you think it's in "disgustingly bad taste" to discuss financial issues in advance, yet your parents are living with tags on their belongings designating who gets the pieces after they die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is the wise and responsible thing to do. Your family should consult an estate attorney.

You are not greedy and you want to plan - it makes perfect sense to know how much money your parents have, and to help them manage it. ESPECIALLY if you have to organize care for a sibling!

Is this an American, rabidly individualistic and independent thing? Posters on this board always respond MYOB when it comes to multi-generational money matters. I do not think that is responsible. But I'm French, and family money is just that - it belongs to the family and should be discussed.

It is important to plan ahead to get everyone to compromise now and avoid as much tax as possible. Saves a HUGE amount of heartbreak later, trust me - I've been there on all counts.

it's not family money, it's the parents' money! they can plan ahead and avoid taxes without divulging how much they are leaving to whom. and why should everyone get to compromise on THEIR money? they should be able to divide it as they wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. Their financial choices are none of your business. If they want to give you a gift like that, it is up to them to decide. It is their money. Their timing. Their choice to share that info with you or not.

Should it be discussed? No. If they tell you you've got a nest egg coming - great. If not, don't act like a greedy cow who is more interested in their demise than their lives.

Just plan on nothing and maybe you will be pleasantly surprised.

I agree.

I can also tell you that my mother has plowed through $1,000,000 in the last several years thanks to dementia and various other issues which necessitated assisted living to the tune of $11K/month.

If there is anything left at the end it will be very surprising to me.

[Anonymous]

^^^
PP here, and we are in the process of moving her to a nursing home. Her needs will consume at least $500/day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my children were to come to me and ask how much they should expect to get after I die, I would rip up our estate planning documents and have a lawyer draft a new will leaving everything to charity.

Well, I wouldn't go that far. That's just as stupid as them asking.

Ok fair enough, I would put it in a trust for their children and if they have no children then to charity

[Anonymous]

I think you guys are really weird. I see this as "family" money too, and I think you owe your children to leave them something if you can, just as your parents owe it to you to leave you something if they can. what is distasteful is blowing your lifetime of earnings on frivolous crap when your kids and their kids could really use it. If I cannot leave my daughters significant funds after I die, and help them with their first houses and their kids while I am alive, I will think I have failed as a parent in some respect. Just like my parents helped me whenever I needed it. It was implicit, just part of our relationship. And it goes both ways - if my parents needed help I would help them unconditionally.

[Anonymous]

People are funny about end-of-life planning, and not surprisingly: to plan for your death is to accept it, and not many people can do that.
My mother passed away recently and although we had been in good communication about a lot of things, she never spelled out to me what she would have wished for with the money she left us (a generous but not multi-million amount).
With this knowledge, I have discovered my in-laws have no will and will not discuss end-of-life planning (no will, no burial plans, etc.) with anyone; not even their two children. I say, 'but see how that has caused strife with me regarding my mother?' and they are a closed book. I think they are just afraid to go there... which is someone's right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my children were to come to me and ask how much they should expect to get after I die, I would rip up our estate planning documents and have a lawyer draft a new will leaving everything to charity.

Well, I wouldn't go that far. That's just as stupid as them asking.

Exactly! What's wrong with you, people? Death is inevitable, and everyone should be responsible enough to at least let their children know where to find their lawyer after they kick the bucket.

There is a difference between counting on your parents' money for buying yourself a new car, and knowing what to expect and how to handle it, when the inevitable happens. It's sad that a lot of people don't understand that difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this an American, rabidly individualistic and independent thing? Posters on this board always respond MYOB when it comes to multi-generational money matters. I do not think that is responsible. But I'm French, and family money is just that - it belongs to the family and should be discussed.

it's not family money, it's the parents' money! they can plan ahead and avoid taxes without divulging how much they are leaving to whom. and why should everyone get to compromise on THEIR money? they should be able to divide it as they wish.

There is a legal and cultural difference here. NP here, not from France but another country where your assets DO go to your children when you die. If your spouse is alive at the time of death, half goes to spouse and the other half is split equally to your children. You can't cut them out and leave everything to your pet dog.

Now I still think the living have a right to do with their funds as they pls (including spending every last cent) and think it is not acceptable to ask "how much for me?" Or any variation.
However, it's wise to ask about estate planning and where important docs are located. And we have asked specifically about plans for an adult sibling who relies heavily on parents for emotional and financial support.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I support myself and am saving for retirement, thank you. My parents seem to be fairly wealthy. But because we never discuss it, I don't really know. I know vaguely that there is a trust and we (all my siblings and I) will be expected to share in it and use it to provide for my disabled sibling's care. The concern I have is I have no idea what kind of numbers we are talking about here. And my parents are older and had more kids late in life, so it is almost certain that my disabled brother will live for many more years after they die. In fact he may even outlive me. This is a daunting responsibility.

I asked this question because I am in the midst of talking with a financial planner. She asked me about EVERYTHING - my social security (which we all know may not be there), my 401k (ditto) and other savings and investments. Seems to me that the details of what money if any a person might inherit someday, coupled with what expectations EXACTLY there will be for the care of the disabled sibling, is not an unreasonable thing to want to know. I realize that there may be nothing. I realize that my parents may spend it or need it for medical care.

As I said in my first post, it doesn't feel right to ask. Clearly my gut is correct, by the way many of the harpies have wigged out, it is NOT OK to ask about it. Thanks for the info and I can assure you I will be more forthcoming with my own children someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my children were to come to me and ask how much they should expect to get after I die, I would rip up our estate planning documents and have a lawyer draft a new will leaving everything to charity.

Well, I wouldn't go that far. That's just as stupid as them asking.

Exactly! What's wrong with you, people? Death is inevitable, and everyone should be responsible enough to at least let their children know where to find their lawyer after they kick the bucket.

There is a difference between counting on your parents' money for buying yourself a new car, and knowing what to expect and how to handle it, when the inevitable happens. It's sad that a lot of people don't understand that difference.

Please re-read my post and the OP's as well. Yes, children should have a general sense their parents' finances (including the name of the lawyer), but I think that is is totally crass to ask "how much" they should expect if I die. My kids are really small but as they grow I am sure that they will have a general sense of what we have - we are not hiding it and plan to talk openly about money but I do not want them to make financial decisions based on what they can expect to receive after we go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"There is a legal and cultural difference here. NP here, not from France but another country where your assets DO go to your children when you die. If your spouse is alive at the time of death, half goes to spouse and the other half is split equally to your children. You can't cut them out and leave everything to your pet dog. "

What percentage goes to the mistress?

the mistress gets money from bank accounts accross the border....

[Anonymous]

PP, you seriously think that someone owes you? Your parents? For real? How old are you? If I were your parents, I would be embarrassed for you and leave every penny to charity out of spite for your greedy shameless entitled attitude. I actually heard someone say "it will be mine someday anyway" with this same lazy sh*t attitude. Do for yourself, why don't you. Are you *legitimately* (not in a hypochondriac way) ill that you can not work? Otherwise, YUCK. Just yuck. You disgust me. and I don't even know you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


PP, you seriously think that someone owes you? Your parents? For real? How old are you? If I were your parents, I would be embarrassed for you and leave every penny to charity out of spite for your greedy shameless entitled attitude. I actually heard someone say "it will be mine someday anyway" with this same lazy sh*t attitude. Do for yourself, why don't you. Are you *legitimately* (not in a hypochondriac way) ill that you can not work? Otherwise, YUCK. Just yuck. You disgust me. and I don't even know you.

hah, glad that I disgust you. Yes, I think you owe your kids to try to pass on something after you are gone. That doesn't mean you don't raise them to be self-reliant with good education and a good work ethic. I help my sisters and my parents out unconditionally. They can count on me and I can count on them. We are a family. I'm 41 years old. I certainly plan on leaving my kids an inheritance and that would please me much more than spending a lot of money in my old age.

[Anonymous]

OP - I think you're getting a bad rep here.
To wonder about your parents' financial situation and how it may impact is perfectly reasonable. Nor do I think it is unreasonable to discuss it with them.

But as you mentioned, it is important to remember that you have no idea if that money will be around by the time it is a real issue. Nor do you know what you will want to do with it. You may find that you are financial secure when your parents leave you money, but want to pass it along to a charity or your disabled sibling. So you might be curious, but it may be irresponsible (on your part) to plan for it.

-- -- -- I knew my mother had a little money when she became ill; I honestly thought I would be excited about the money. When she passed away after an illness, I was distraught and devastated at the reminder of her passing. It was almost one year before I could get the paperwork together to settle the accounts where I was named benefiaciary - then another year to cash the checks.