adopting a child who is the product of rape

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My adopted child is a product of rape. Our doctor who specializes in adoption said you must tell him. What if he goes off as an adult and finds his birthmom and SHE tells him. The parents he trusted all his life lied to him. Nothing can make up for that. Now he will feel even worse and not trust you anymore. There is also a technique to telling the child... You do not use the word 'rape'. We are also told to talk to him about it when he asks, there is no age to tell him or not tell him. The doctor said if it is talked about lovingly by his parents then it will not be such a big deal as opposed to springing it on him when he is a teenager and he is already going through other emotional 'stuff'. Everyone deserves to know their life story. I would feel horrible if i didn't tell him and i knew i was keeping a secret like that from him.

There's one example of an insane doctor. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bad idea to tell anyone that they were conceived as a result of rape. What will that do to your child's self image? Everyone wats to believe they were conceived in love - or at least non-violent lust! Just say you don't know all the details of her birth. If the birth mother reaches out, I'd make sure she understands and respects your decision not to disclose the rape.

Telling is equal to hating your child, not loving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom's friend was raped at 18, and got pregnant. The man who raped her was a stranger. This was 43 years ago. She kept the baby and raised him well. She did tell him when he was 17, and the guilt and pain almost destroyed him. He told her later that he wished she had just told him he was an illegitimate child. I mean if you are not 100% sure of this story, than why wold you burden your child with it? I think the fact that the birth mother gave her child up unselfishly instead of aborting it, and the beautiful person that DC became is the better message. Don't tell your DC that he/she was born of rape!

+1

Don't tell.

If you must give the kid a reason that his birth mother didn't keep him, just tell him that she didn't know the father and it was one night.

[Anonymous]

I believe the agency.

She was being untruthful to make it easy to adopt and move forward with her life. Don't tell the child anything that isn't 100% fact.

[Anonymous]

I would not ever, ever want to know this. I'd rather think I was the product of love or physical affection. Nobody needs to know something like that. In this situation, "truth" is not the primary virtue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not tell your son of the situation. At the age of 48, my husband found my Birth mother, I was not 100% sure of making contact but he told me "think of how your Birth mother feels". I used an intermediary and letters were exchanged for 2 months before she told me of the rape. I was left devastated at the time. We still write and I have met her once. She says I have brought peace to her life. I discussed what had happened to me with a close friend and she agreed with me that she could have told me the father had just gone to America. She had met him a couple of times and told me she gave him the wrong impression. I would urge anyone not to tell adopted children too much about their backgrounds. What you don't know, you don't worry about, that has always been my philosophy.

Really? I feel the opposite. I'm also an adoptee and would prefer to know if I was the product of rape. My parents gave me my adoption file and paperwork. The reason for my adoption is in there- do you think they should have redacted that portion? That is MY story and my right to know my story.

[Anonymous]

I would tell the child when the child is an older teenager. I would explain what the birth mother said and what the adoption agency said. And we would discuss it and I would do my best to cushion the blow and to make sure that my child understood how very much he/she was loved, valued, appreciated.

I agree that I would not want my child being blinded sided by this sort of info down the road.

[Anonymous]

It's not your story to tell.

[Anonymous]

Adopted people have different views on whether they want to find their birth families/information. I am 49, was adopted at birth, and am part of a wonderful family. I have never wanted to find out anything about my birth relatives.

I would not tell this child such horrible news. It's hard enough growing up adopted, having people ask you every day of your childhood who your "real" family is, etc. Why add this devastating information to the mix?

When the child grows up, if they want to find out more about their background, which is their right, they can find out then. I disagree with the so-called "experts" (probably not adoptees themselves) who say you should tell the child everything. It seems to me that your responsibility on that score ends with making sure that any medical information you might have from the birth parents is passed on. Otherwise, learning more should be the child's personal journey, to take or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not your story to tell.

If it was part of the adoption info given to ME by the adoption agency. That is info that I can choose to later share (or not share) with my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adopted people have different views on whether they want to find their birth families/information. I am 49, was adopted at birth, and am part of a wonderful family. I have never wanted to find out anything about my birth relatives.

I would not tell this child such horrible news. It's hard enough growing up adopted, having people ask you every day of your childhood who your "real" family is, etc. Why add this devastating information to the mix?

When the child grows up, if they want to find out more about their background, which is their right, they can find out then. I disagree with the so-called "experts" (probably not adoptees themselves) who say you should tell the child everything. It seems to me that your responsibility on that score ends with making sure that any medical information you might have from the birth parents is passed on. Otherwise, learning more should be the child's personal journey, to take or not.

If my child did not want to know about the adoption agency info then I would not share it with them. You're right, it does depend on the child.

[Anonymous]

I would never tell my child that. You don't know if it is true. I would just say that his birth mother was a single mother who could not provide for him and since she loved him so much she wanted to give him a better life, etc. You don't know anything about his father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A recent poster was not explicit about the circumstances of her child's birth but I will be. I was told that my infant DC was the product of rape and the birthmother did not know the birth father. The agency explained that she may have been untruthful about that but let's assume that what I was told is true.

I have not told any family or friends and do not intend to ever tell anyone else but DC at age 16 or 18 or so. I have left some paperwork in our lawyer's office (with the rest of the adoption papers) and there is always a chance the birthmother might reach out also. I have read a few discussions about whether you should ever tell a child this news (if you tell, their world may be shattered/if you don't and they find out, they will never trust you again). I love my child dearly and do not believe that God makes mistakes. I am hoping these will be the two messages that stick if/when DC receives this news.

Has anyone else adopted a child who is the product of rape? What advice might you share, please?

Rape is not a mistake it's intentional. And just because the mother decided not to abort doesn't mean the rapist did a "good thing."

You don't know what happened, so all you need to tell your child is that he/she is loved and its mother was unable to care for it. You don't know about the father, so let it be.

My only concern is that if the father didn't sign away rights, he could come back for his child later. It doesn't matter if it was rape or not. He is entitled to have his child. Another reason why women should abort a product of rape, but that's their choice. Unfortunately her choice to keep the child affects you, the father and the child should the father demand the return of his child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that there are far more birth mothers whose babies who were conceived consensually, but who do not want the birth father to know about the baby, than mothers who were raped, brought the baby to term, and gave it up.

Presumably, if the mother says she was raped, that frees the government agencies involved from having to seek the father out and getting his consent for the adoption.

I can think of all kinds of reasons for wanting to leave the dad out of the picture. Maybe he's married. Maybe he might want the baby, but is unfit to raise it. Maybe the mom is angry with the father and can't bear the idea of him raising the baby. Maybe there is more than one possible dad. How embarrassing for a young girl to have to admit that. Maybe the birth mom wants to put the trauma of giving up the baby behind her and thinks that if the dad finds out, he'll tell people, and she'll be stigmatized.

If I were a teen in one of the above situations, I might conclude that the easiest thing to do was to say I was raped. Voila, everyone is sympathetic instead of judgmental and pushing for info.

I agree with the poster who said to make the decision when your child is older. You will know what to do when the time comes.

That doesn't mean however, that the father has no rights. If he finds out, he can sue for custody. I read an article a few years ago where the woman was raped and her rapist (had been convicted), demanded to see his child and the judge let him! What a horrible thing, but that's the law

[Anonymous]

^^The child he wanted to see was the product of the rape.