adopting a child who is the product of rape

[Anonymous]

A recent poster was not explicit about the circumstances of her child's birth but I will be. I was told that my infant DC was the product of rape and the birthmother did not know the birth father. The agency explained that she may have been untruthful about that but let's assume that what I was told is true.

I have not told any family or friends and do not intend to ever tell anyone else but DC at age 16 or 18 or so. I have left some paperwork in our lawyer's office (with the rest of the adoption papers) and there is always a chance the birthmother might reach out also. I have read a few discussions about whether you should ever tell a child this news (if you tell, their world may be shattered/if you don't and they find out, they will never trust you again). I love my child dearly and do not believe that God makes mistakes. I am hoping these will be the two messages that stick if/when DC receives this news.

Has anyone else adopted a child who is the product of rape? What advice might you share, please?

[Anonymous]

My mom's friend was raped at 18, and got pregnant. The man who raped her was a stranger. This was 43 years ago. She kept the baby and raised him well. She did tell him when he was 17, and the guilt and pain almost destroyed him. He told her later that he wished she had just told him he was an illegitimate child. I mean if you are not 100% sure of this story, than why wold you burden your child with it? I think the fact that the birth mother gave her child up unselfishly instead of aborting it, and the beautiful person that DC became is the better message. Don't tell your DC that he/she was born of rape!

[Anonymous]

I totally agree with PP. If you don't know for sure the circumstances, then do not tell. My child was left in a bag to be found at an orphanage. You can bet I will not ever tell my child. We have changed the story to a box. I don't see why telling my child that she was in a bag is going to be beneficial. And even we are not sure if it was a cloth bag or a plastic bag, but it doesn't matter, this is not important.

[Anonymous]

OP,
I would not tell DCA ever. Unless you saw a police report, an emergency room visit, documents that substantiate the story. If for some reason your child finds out this story, which seems very unlikely, you have a very solid reason, given the doubt of the story.

[Anonymous]

Be honest, I would think the kid would respect you more and get a good life lesson out of this. Imagine where he might be if you didn't adopt him? You are a special person and he needs to know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I would not tell DCA ever. Unless you saw a police report, an emergency room visit, documents that substantiate the story. If for some reason your child finds out this story, which seems very unlikely, you have a very solid reason, given the doubt of the story.

Please follow this excellent advice. There's no need to share every sordid detail. Even adopted children who aren't the result of a rape may not have the best "history." In fact, there could be unpleasant details of a marriage that don't need to be shared with children who live with their natural parents. Unless you think someone is going to come forward, it can remain forever in the past. I'm happy for all of you that this child is now a part of your family!

[Anonymous]

I would never tell. Not in a million years. I just don't see the benefit.

[Anonymous]

You are the a-mother. You do not need to tell. Maybe the b-mother will tell.
Worry about it then.
I doubt the agency would pass on information like that if it was a lie. Women really do not need to come up with stories to relinguish a child. It most probably was true because of the b-mother counseling.

[Anonymous]

16:45 here. Be honest? Well, if OP is going to be honest, then she should relay that the agency said the birth mother may have been untruthful. Come on! It is going to confuse the poor child. Am I the product of a rape, or was my birth mother so ashamed to give me up, she claimed I was the product of a rape. OP, you can say in all honesty that the circumstances are not clear. That is the truth.

[Anonymous]

Children have a way of blaming everything on themselves. They somehow think everything is there fault. And as 16:16 posted it almost destroyed her friend. I just don't get why the child would ever need to be burdened by this.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should ever tell this story. You don't know its true and I can imagine that this kind of news could literally destroy a person.

This is one of those facts that you should take to the grave with you.

[Anonymous]

You might need to. If you have a girl child and she wants to find her father. She might get herself in danger.
I know of one adoptee who became very angry with her b-mother for not telling her who her father is

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is something that can be decided now - see what type of child/teenager your kid turns out to be. Maybe he/she can handle it? Maybe he/she can't. You'll know.

Maybe your child will really be interested in his/her past or maybe he/she will just want to know basic details and you won't have to tell the story. You seem worried that the b-mother can reach out to your child, does she know you/your family?

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP knows who the father is. Which might be why the birth mother gave this story, to protect his identity. Of course it might be true. But if it were true, wouldn't the agency be more clear on that?

[Anonymous]

My guess is that there are far more birth mothers whose babies who were conceived consensually, but who do not want the birth father to know about the baby, than mothers who were raped, brought the baby to term, and gave it up.

Presumably, if the mother says she was raped, that frees the government agencies involved from having to seek the father out and getting his consent for the adoption.

I can think of all kinds of reasons for wanting to leave the dad out of the picture. Maybe he's married. Maybe he might want the baby, but is unfit to raise it. Maybe the mom is angry with the father and can't bear the idea of him raising the baby. Maybe there is more than one possible dad. How embarrassing for a young girl to have to admit that. Maybe the birth mom wants to put the trauma of giving up the baby behind her and thinks that if the dad finds out, he'll tell people, and she'll be stigmatized.

If I were a teen in one of the above situations, I might conclude that the easiest thing to do was to say I was raped. Voila, everyone is sympathetic instead of judgmental and pushing for info.

I agree with the poster who said to make the decision when your child is older. You will know what to do when the time comes.