Looking for Advice on Building Empathy and Kindness in a Teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Materialism and lack of empathy aren’t the same. I agree that you shouldn’t give her everything she wants - but in order to build empathy, talk with her frequently about how OTHER people might be feeling. Have her do meaningful community service. When you hear her being unkind, call her out immediately. Ask how her friends are doing and listen for signs of empathy/non-empathy and catch it in the moment. Talk about nuanced topics without a clear right or wrong, where both sides have good points, and have her articulate different points of view.

In a case like this though, think carefully about the community service you choose. Don't choose something wehre she is simply doing something for someone else in a detached way. You are trying to build empathy, so she needs to understand the others' perspective, be able to feel what they feel, and then actually want to share and ease the burden of others because she has the necessary understanding. Look for something where she is working along side people different from or less advantaged than herself toward a common goal. Look for service organizations that espouse a "nothing about us without us" philosophy or that emphasize the dignity of the serivce recipients (examples, A Wider Circle, Bread for the City, Martha's Table, Red Wiggler Care Farm, A Farm Less Ordinary, Arcadia Farm). Having her work alongside people who have empathy in spades, as people in such organizations usually do, is also helpful.

[Anonymous]

It beggars belief that the inciting incident for OP posting is her daughter’s failure to have a cinematic “and then, everyone clapped” moment by paying for a non-friend’s seeming lunch debt. (I hate that any school anywhere operates with a lunch debt policy - it is cruel.) Or because a young teen isn’t fully aware of the complexities of carpool. Really. Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to know what you’re really asking about OP. You’re presenting her as a genuinely great kid who likes new clothes and material possessions too much but that can’t be what you’re really concerned about if you’re asking us how to “course correct.” You’re not being forthcoming enough about what’s worrying you about her behavior for us to really advise.

Fair point. This is OP. I’ll share the catalyst for my post.

My daughter came home from school recently and told me about “this weird thing” that happened at lunch. Apparently, a cafeteria worker followed a student to her table, removed an item from her tray, left the main meal, and said something about there not being money for whatever side item it was. When I asked, my daughter confirmed that the girl still had a meal.

The girl is someone my daughter knows from two classes, though they aren’t friends. My daughter overheard her telling friends that she didn’t understand what had happened because she’s on the free lunch program.

My daughter had a lot of questions afterward: how people qualify for free lunch, how common it is at her school (about 30% of students), whether it’s easy to qualify, and so on. We talked through all of that. We discussed how embarrassing the situation must have been for the girl and how the cafeteria worker could have handled it differently. My daughter understood and agreed with all of this.

I then reminded my daughter that she carries emergency cash in her backpack and told her that if something like that ever happened again, she could discreetly help out and I would replace the money.

Quite frankly, her response disappointed me. She asked, “Why would I do that? XXX is so mean.”

I was taken aback. I told her that we treat people with kindness and understanding because of our values, not because of how they treat us. She said she would think about it.

I could share other examples, but this one was the most direct. There are texts from friends that go unanswered because she’s tired or simply just doesn’t feel like responding. Sometimes I feel she doesn’t offer friends the validation or attention they’re looking for. She’s just not someone who readily sacrifices her own convenience for others. For example, with her sport there are a lot of carpools, and she consistently positions herself to ride with her closest friends rather than considering what might be easiest or most helpful for the group. She just always seems to out herself and her needs and wants first in a way that I don’t see in my other children.

Your daughter has great skills! She notices things and asks you about them. She has good boundaries. Mean people do not automatically deserve your assistance, you do not have to answer every text when it comes. She is not a doormat and your should be proud.
A lot of the kindness and SEL curriculum is doing a disservice. Many kids now think you can behave however you want and everyone has to be kind to you and be your friend. In the real world if you are not nice people probably won't buy your lunch. It's good to learn that lesson when you are young and have time to change.

+1. Your daughter is fine. Sounds like you’re the one who needs more help OP. Ask your daughter how not to be a people pleaser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It beggars belief that the inciting incident for OP posting is her daughter’s failure to have a cinematic “and then, everyone clapped” moment by paying for a non-friend’s seeming lunch debt. (I hate that any school anywhere operates with a lunch debt policy - it is cruel.) Or because a young teen isn’t fully aware of the complexities of carpool. Really. Really?

Did you not notice the OPs use of the word discreetly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It beggars belief that the inciting incident for OP posting is her daughter’s failure to have a cinematic “and then, everyone clapped” moment by paying for a non-friend’s seeming lunch debt. (I hate that any school anywhere operates with a lunch debt policy - it is cruel.) Or because a young teen isn’t fully aware of the complexities of carpool. Really. Really?

Did you not notice the OPs use of the word discreetly?

Yes, I’m so sure. Discreetly and tenderly tendered to the mean poor girl.

On what planet are teens unfamiliar with free lunch programs, poverty and relative wealth? Certainly not this one.

Whatever motivated the post is not what’s actually triggering some kind of delayed parenting worry in OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to know what you’re really asking about OP. You’re presenting her as a genuinely great kid who likes new clothes and material possessions too much but that can’t be what you’re really concerned about if you’re asking us how to “course correct.” You’re not being forthcoming enough about what’s worrying you about her behavior for us to really advise.

Fair point. This is OP. I’ll share the catalyst for my post.

My daughter came home from school recently and told me about “this weird thing” that happened at lunch. Apparently, a cafeteria worker followed a student to her table, removed an item from her tray, left the main meal, and said something about there not being money for whatever side item it was. When I asked, my daughter confirmed that the girl still had a meal.

The girl is someone my daughter knows from two classes, though they aren’t friends. My daughter overheard her telling friends that she didn’t understand what had happened because she’s on the free lunch program.

My daughter had a lot of questions afterward: how people qualify for free lunch, how common it is at her school (about 30% of students), whether it’s easy to qualify, and so on. We talked through all of that. We discussed how embarrassing the situation must have been for the girl and how the cafeteria worker could have handled it differently. My daughter understood and agreed with all of this.

I then reminded my daughter that she carries emergency cash in her backpack and told her that if something like that ever happened again, she could discreetly help out and I would replace the money.

Quite frankly, her response disappointed me. She asked, “Why would I do that? XXX is so mean.”

I was taken aback. I told her that we treat people with kindness and understanding because of our values, not because of how they treat us. She said she would think about it.

I could share other examples, but this one was the most direct. There are texts from friends that go unanswered because she’s tired or simply just doesn’t feel like responding. Sometimes I feel she doesn’t offer friends the validation or attention they’re looking for. She’s just not someone who readily sacrifices her own convenience for others. For example, with her sport there are a lot of carpools, and she consistently positions herself to ride with her closest friends rather than considering what might be easiest or most helpful for the group. She just always seems to out herself and her needs and wants first in a way that I don’t see in my other children.

Empathy comes from understanding or putting yourself in the other person's shows, which it sounds like you did about the cafeteria incident but maybe not about this girl's life in general (which may have been so hard as to give her a mean shell).

You said "my other kids" plural, so assuming you have 3, the free lunch threshold for our school is $69,653. Or you may know the girl's family size. I would have looked that up and talked about how hard it is to live on that amount, the instability, how our modest house would take up X% of that income and leave Y amount for all the other necessities, how much stress must come with that, etc. Not necessarily to imply she has to help her, but to get her to think about how other people have very different experiences that shape them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to know what you’re really asking about OP. You’re presenting her as a genuinely great kid who likes new clothes and material possessions too much but that can’t be what you’re really concerned about if you’re asking us how to “course correct.” You’re not being forthcoming enough about what’s worrying you about her behavior for us to really advise.

Fair point. This is OP. I’ll share the catalyst for my post.

My daughter came home from school recently and told me about “this weird thing” that happened at lunch. Apparently, a cafeteria worker followed a student to her table, removed an item from her tray, left the main meal, and said something about there not being money for whatever side item it was. When I asked, my daughter confirmed that the girl still had a meal.

The girl is someone my daughter knows from two classes, though they aren’t friends. My daughter overheard her telling friends that she didn’t understand what had happened because she’s on the free lunch program.

My daughter had a lot of questions afterward: how people qualify for free lunch, how common it is at her school (about 30% of students), whether it’s easy to qualify, and so on. We talked through all of that. We discussed how embarrassing the situation must have been for the girl and how the cafeteria worker could have handled it differently. My daughter understood and agreed with all of this.

I then reminded my daughter that she carries emergency cash in her backpack and told her that if something like that ever happened again, she could discreetly help out and I would replace the money.

Quite frankly, her response disappointed me. She asked, “Why would I do that? XXX is so mean.”

I was taken aback. I told her that we treat people with kindness and understanding because of our values, not because of how they treat us. She said she would think about it.

I could share other examples, but this one was the most direct. There are texts from friends that go unanswered because she’s tired or simply just doesn’t feel like responding. Sometimes I feel she doesn’t offer friends the validation or attention they’re looking for. She’s just not someone who readily sacrifices her own convenience for others. For example, with her sport there are a lot of carpools, and she consistently positions herself to ride with her closest friends rather than considering what might be easiest or most helpful for the group. She just always seems to out herself and her needs and wants first in a way that I don’t see in my other children.

Empathy comes from understanding or putting yourself in the other person's shows, which it sounds like you did about the cafeteria incident but maybe not about this girl's life in general (which may have been so hard as to give her a mean shell).

You said "my other kids" plural, so assuming you have 3, the free lunch threshold for our school is $69,653. Or you may know the girl's family size. I would have looked that up and talked about how hard it is to live on that amount, the instability, how our modest house would take up X% of that income and leave Y amount for all the other necessities, how much stress must come with that, etc. Not necessarily to imply she has to help her, but to get her to think about how other people have very different experiences that shape them.

To be clear, I'd have that conversation because those are my values, but I don't necessarily think what you've described is a crisis even if she's definitely mean sometimes. And I have similar conversations with my teen but ultimately think it's important for them to work out their own values.

[Anonymous]

Kindness, generosity and perspective taking have their places but they can also be overdone. There is probably too much kindness in today's world and a lot of problems are flourishing because people are too kind that they don't provide the judgment that also helps people.

It sounds like your daughter is growing up to be self confident, directed, and a go-getter. I find that admirable as those are highly valuable skills for adulthoods. I'd just have the quiet conversations and reminders that consideration and generosity need to be remembered for the less fortunate. But don't overdo it.

[Anonymous]

I still want to know OP and kid’s zodiac signs!

[Anonymous]

I have a 13 yo DD so I don't have all the answers here, but I see that empathy is undermined by outside forces, especially bullying and limited social options. It's the kids afraid of social shame who push down somebody else to protect themselves. The best thing you can do to create kindness, IMO, is get your kid into multiple activities and communities (so she doesn't need the approval of just one clique) and choose activities that support kindness and inclusion.

The other useful strategy is making her responsible for some aspect of another's life. Pet, plant, child, neighbor -- set up something so that she has obligations to someone other than herself.

[Anonymous]

Umm, I would not expect my kid to go buy an extra dessert for some kid who is mean to her. And the other kid might very well not even like her to do this since it would bring even more attention to the issue. If this is your only example, I think your kid is fine.