Looking for Advice on Building Empathy and Kindness in a Teen

[Anonymous]

You are an enabler OP. Shame!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered going to church weekly? The youth at our church have large hearts, do service projects together, and talk about empathy and reflect on others. Love the people, serve the people mentality.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it’s constant conversations. My kids are very caring and empathetic, but from very young ages we have conversations about thinking about how their actions impact others, putting themselves in others shoes, how the most important thing when living in communities is to look out for each other (while simultaneously teaching them about boundaries and self worth). The work never stops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered going to church weekly? The youth at our church have large hearts, do service projects together, and talk about empathy and reflect on others. Love the people, serve the people mentality.

That is not true of every worship group. Bullying is not uncommon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered going to church weekly? The youth at our church have large hearts, do service projects together, and talk about empathy and reflect on others. Love the people, serve the people mentality.

Those type of churches say all kinds of great things and then go back to the world as their same old bigoted, selfish, hateful ways.

[Anonymous]

The middle school years are about experimentation, learning about themselves and how to be good friends. They are very self-focused as a developmental stage. Most kids switch up their friendships during middle school and that is normal and ok. Learning how to balance advocating for herself while being kind to others is one of the projects of this stage of life/development. Material things are neither bad nor should they be necessary/the focus of friendships. Questions and setting a good example are how you influence and guide your kid. And occasionally telling them what you value and working through a more challenging situation with them.

My kid knows from early ES drama that I have no patience for kids who are being manipulative and mean. She goes to a huge public school - just avoid kids who don’t seem to be trying to be kind all the time. Will kids make mistakes? Of course. But there are plenty of kids who are pretty much always trying to be nice, kind, good friends (even if they sometimes fail). Choose your friends out of that group.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying fashion or femme coded stuff - hair, nails, etc. But true friends are the ones who enjoy spending time together, care about each other and look out for each other. My kid and I have had convos over the years about who is a good friend, a reliable friend, a loyal friend. And who is fun and trying but maybe a less reliable friend. Sometimes we hurt people by accident or because we misjudge a situation - that is going to happen in MS and in life. But there’s no excuse for being purposefully mean and you should not tolerate that in a friend. Those are people to avoid.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to know what you’re really asking about OP. You’re presenting her as a genuinely great kid who likes new clothes and material possessions too much but that can’t be what you’re really concerned about if you’re asking us how to “course correct.” You’re not being forthcoming enough about what’s worrying you about her behavior for us to really advise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to sit on my hands otherwise but you have a mean girl and you have contributed to her materialism and her likely mistreatment of other girls without Alo leggings and Stanley cups.

You’ll never fix it or her by being the kind of woman who produced that for years.

You realize posting this kind of thing means you are a mean girl, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to sit on my hands otherwise but you have a mean girl and you have contributed to her materialism and her likely mistreatment of other girls without Alo leggings and Stanley cups.

You’ll never fix it or her by being the kind of woman who produced that for years.

You realize posting this kind of thing means you are a mean girl, right?

You’re offended. Unlike OP, and you, my husband and I inculcated empathy into our tween DD. She is as “accomplished” as what OP has described and is very well-liked. She is not cold, mean, or instrumentalist. Because it mattered to us and because of who we are.

You’re a little on edge because you and OP failed in this as mothers. Failed, and now are lurking here faux-fretting about what can be done when that trait has been refined for years and years now by your parenting and communication. Parents who are troubled by their neurotypical tweens and teens who are cold and lack empathy are the culprits. We both know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to sit on my hands otherwise but you have a mean girl and you have contributed to her materialism and her likely mistreatment of other girls without Alo leggings and Stanley cups.

You’ll never fix it or her by being the kind of woman who produced that for years.

You realize posting this kind of thing means you are a mean girl, right?

You’re offended. Unlike OP, and you, my husband and I inculcated empathy into our tween DD. She is as “accomplished” as what OP has described and is very well-liked. She is not cold, mean, or instrumentalist. Because it mattered to us and because of who we are.

You’re a little on edge because you and OP failed in this as mothers. Failed, and now are lurking here faux-fretting about what can be done when that trait has been refined for years and years now by your parenting and communication. Parents who are troubled by their neurotypical tweens and teens who are cold and lack empathy are the culprits. We both know that.

Wow good point you sound so kind!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to sit on my hands otherwise but you have a mean girl and you have contributed to her materialism and her likely mistreatment of other girls without Alo leggings and Stanley cups.

You’ll never fix it or her by being the kind of woman who produced that for years.

You realize posting this kind of thing means you are a mean girl, right?

You’re offended. Unlike OP, and you, my husband and I inculcated empathy into our tween DD. She is as “accomplished” as what OP has described and is very well-liked. She is not cold, mean, or instrumentalist. Because it mattered to us and because of who we are.

You’re a little on edge because you and OP failed in this as mothers. Failed, and now are lurking here faux-fretting about what can be done when that trait has been refined for years and years now by your parenting and communication. Parents who are troubled by their neurotypical tweens and teens who are cold and lack empathy are the culprits. We both know that.

Wow good point you sound so kind!

So kind, and offered such great advice too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to sit on my hands otherwise but you have a mean girl and you have contributed to her materialism and her likely mistreatment of other girls without Alo leggings and Stanley cups.

You’ll never fix it or her by being the kind of woman who produced that for years.

You realize posting this kind of thing means you are a mean girl, right?

You’re offended. Unlike OP, and you, my husband and I inculcated empathy into our tween DD. She is as “accomplished” as what OP has described and is very well-liked. She is not cold, mean, or instrumentalist. Because it mattered to us and because of who we are.

You’re a little on edge because you and OP failed in this as mothers. Failed, and now are lurking here faux-fretting about what can be done when that trait has been refined for years and years now by your parenting and communication. Parents who are troubled by their neurotypical tweens and teens who are cold and lack empathy are the culprits. We both know that.

Wow good point you sound so kind!

So kind, and offered such great advice too!

The solution has been discussed here and it isn’t a class, book or podcast - it’s the modeling and myriad shifts in how they function as a family and what they show DD. They won’t do it because this has happened because of an ingrained decade of parenting patterns. This is seen repeatedly in families where empathy was simply not valued. It’s not one talk or one summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to sit on my hands otherwise but you have a mean girl and you have contributed to her materialism and her likely mistreatment of other girls without Alo leggings and Stanley cups.

You’ll never fix it or her by being the kind of woman who produced that for years.

You realize posting this kind of thing means you are a mean girl, right?

You’re offended. Unlike OP, and you, my husband and I inculcated empathy into our tween DD. She is as “accomplished” as what OP has described and is very well-liked. She is not cold, mean, or instrumentalist. Because it mattered to us and because of who we are.

You’re a little on edge because you and OP failed in this as mothers. Failed, and now are lurking here faux-fretting about what can be done when that trait has been refined for years and years now by your parenting and communication. Parents who are troubled by their neurotypical tweens and teens who are cold and lack empathy are the culprits. We both know that.

Wow good point you sound so kind!

So kind, and offered such great advice too!

The solution has been discussed here and it isn’t a class, book or podcast - it’s the modeling and myriad shifts in how they function as a family and what they show DD. They won’t do it because this has happened because of an ingrained decade of parenting patterns. This is seen repeatedly in families where empathy was simply not valued. It’s not one talk or one summer.

If your middle schooler never ever does anything that’s immature or you’re not entirely proud of you’re either a liar or you’ve been too controlling.

Op didn’t describe mean behavior she described a middle schooler being more materialistic than mom would like-if you think that means mom (who is trying to work on this!) and daughter (who probably believed in Santa like 2 years ago) are irredeemable that makes you an unkind jerk.

And in my experience it’s moms like you who are so sure their kids are perfect who are in for a rude awakening about what kind of person they have raised, not moms like op who are grappling with their kid (like all of us!) having room for growth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered going to church weekly? The youth at our church have large hearts, do service projects together, and talk about empathy and reflect on others. Love the people, serve the people mentality.

That is not true of every worship group. Bullying is not uncommon.

You would know!

[Anonymous]

If creating good kids was as easy as not buying them leggings and water bottles, everyone would do that.