Looking for Advice on Building Empathy and Kindness in a Teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the helpful comments. My daughter and I have a good relationship, and we’ve talked about my concerns. She doesn’t see herself as mean or superficial, but I can tell she’s reflecting on past behavior that may have come across as dismissive or lacking empathy rather than intentionally unkind.

She’s said that some friends need more emotional engagement and validation than feels natural to her, though I still encourage her to consider others’ perspectives.

I also recognize that I’ve contributed to the issue by rarely saying no and giving her too much materially. While we’re comfortable, we’re not wealthy, and I think I overcompensate because I grew up with very little as the child of a single mother. My husband doesn’t share my concerns. -OP

The bolded sounds like she coming up with increasingly sophisticated rationalizations for nastiness. It’s all wrapped up in a bow to be handed to adults, as opposed to “I don’t want to hang with Jane anymore” “Jill and I have nothing in common and she’s a jerk” etc. Your husband is also parenting her and you’ve noted that he thinks everything is great. You both created this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Materialism and lack of empathy aren’t the same. I agree that you shouldn’t give her everything she wants - but in order to build empathy, talk with her frequently about how OTHER people might be feeling. Have her do meaningful community service. When you hear her being unkind, call her out immediately. Ask how her friends are doing and listen for signs of empathy/non-empathy and catch it in the moment. Talk about nuanced topics without a clear right or wrong, where both sides have good points, and have her articulate different points of view.

No one said materialism and lack of empathy are the same thing. But materialism can lead to lead to excessive self-focus and, if used to help kids avoid uncomfortable feelings, can reduce their ability to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings of others.

OP, how comfortable are you with tolerating her upset? Start there.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered going to church weekly? The youth at our church have large hearts, do service projects together, and talk about empathy and reflect on others. Love the people, serve the people mentality.

[Anonymous]

She should try to do some volunteer work. Food pantry, animal shelter, rec center for disadvantaged kids. That should help shake her out of her bubble into a more empathetic existence.

[Anonymous]

Youth group at house of worship will do a lot of service programs. Also house of worship will promote service and empathy.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure if it will correct, but we did a lot of things like volunteering at soup kitchens that served children (some are just adults) and helping refugee families. They interacted directly with the kids. Learning emotional intelligence is huge. Mister Roger’s is a hero in our family, they watched that show (on Amazon prime).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the helpful comments. My daughter and I have a good relationship, and we’ve talked about my concerns. She doesn’t see herself as mean or superficial, but I can tell she’s reflecting on past behavior that may have come across as dismissive or lacking empathy rather than intentionally unkind.

She’s said that some friends need more emotional engagement and validation than feels natural to her, though I still encourage her to consider others’ perspectives.

I also recognize that I’ve contributed to the issue by rarely saying no and giving her too much materially. While we’re comfortable, we’re not wealthy, and I think I overcompensate because I grew up with very little as the child of a single mother. My husband doesn’t share my concerns. -OP

The bolded sounds like she coming up with increasingly sophisticated rationalizations for nastiness. It’s all wrapped up in a bow to be handed to adults, as opposed to “I don’t want to hang with Jane anymore” “Jill and I have nothing in common and she’s a jerk” etc. Your husband is also parenting her and you’ve noted that he thinks everything is great. You both created this.

I’m not the original poster but perhaps YOU need a primer on empathy? She’s not asking how did we get here she’s asking for ideas on how to make a change.

OP, you’ve received some good ideas here and I’m a third recomendation for the book. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s said that some friends need more emotional engagement and validation than feels natural to her, though I still encourage her to consider others’ perspectives.

Much of Gen Z and Alpha want more validation from their friends than is necessary or healthy. OP empathy, humility, perspective-taking, gratitude and kindness probably run deeper than the superficial validating comments that your DD might be thinking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the helpful comments. My daughter and I have a good relationship, and we’ve talked about my concerns. She doesn’t see herself as mean or superficial, but I can tell she’s reflecting on past behavior that may have come across as dismissive or lacking empathy rather than intentionally unkind.

She’s said that some friends need more emotional engagement and validation than feels natural to her, though I still encourage her to consider others’ perspectives.

I also recognize that I’ve contributed to the issue by rarely saying no and giving her too much materially. While we’re comfortable, we’re not wealthy, and I think I overcompensate because I grew up with very little as the child of a single mother. My husband doesn’t share my concerns. -OP

The bolded sounds like she coming up with increasingly sophisticated rationalizations for nastiness. It’s all wrapped up in a bow to be handed to adults, as opposed to “I don’t want to hang with Jane anymore” “Jill and I have nothing in common and she’s a jerk” etc. Your husband is also parenting her and you’ve noted that he thinks everything is great. You both created this.

I’m not the original poster but perhaps YOU need a primer on empathy? She’s not asking how did we get here she’s asking for ideas on how to make a change.

OP, you’ve received some good ideas here and I’m a third recomendation for the book. Good luck

Oh, the drama. She’s presenting her DD’s perspective as showing her big heart when it indicates the opposite. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Mom here of a girl with an IEP who was severely bullied at school. Didn't want to go to school because of these female bullies. Without exception, the mothers were as mean as the daughters. As soon as I saw and overheard the mothers in their expensive clothing gossiping about whoever wasn't there, I knew exactly how the child got that way. Be a good example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom here of a girl with an IEP who was severely bullied at school. Didn't want to go to school because of these female bullies. Without exception, the mothers were as mean as the daughters. As soon as I saw and overheard the mothers in their expensive clothing gossiping about whoever wasn't there, I knew exactly how the child got that way. Be a good example.

It sounds like OP is being a good example, by recognizing there is a potential problem and asking how to fix it. FWIW, as a teacher and mother of a teen, I see all different types of kids and having nice things does not always equal selfish, materialistic, unempathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom here of a girl with an IEP who was severely bullied at school. Didn't want to go to school because of these female bullies. Without exception, the mothers were as mean as the daughters. As soon as I saw and overheard the mothers in their expensive clothing gossiping about whoever wasn't there, I knew exactly how the child got that way. Be a good example.

It sounds like OP is being a good example, by recognizing there is a potential problem and asking how to fix it. FWIW, as a teacher and mother of a teen, I see all different types of kids and having nice things does not always equal selfish, materialistic, unempathetic.

This has gotten derailed into a conversation about things. That may be part of it, in terms of that being the way of showing OP’s DD that she matters - getting her what she wants because of grades and ‘commitment to her club sport’ which is of course, sacred. But OP is also concerned that her kid is a poor friend who shows little empathy to peers, so the primary driver doesn’t seem to be around shopping or allowance.

[Anonymous]

I actually really believe that reading novels and watching movies or TV shows, and discussing them together, can help foster a lot of empathy. Our family watched the entire series This is Us and our pre-teen and teen boys would really dislike a character, and we could talk about WHY that person may be acting the way they are...how you can't really know what's going on with someone, their past, their fears, etc. It's also a way to make it a focus that seems less forced than volunteer work or just talking about empathy.

[Anonymous]

Take her to volunteer (food bank or something)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m noticing some things in my 13 year old daughter that concern me, and I’m wondering if others have navigated this successfully.

To be clear, I have no indication that she is a “mean girl,” but from things I’ve seen and read, I don’t think she is always as empathetic, thoughtful, or caring a friend as I would hope. She can be very focused on status, appearance, fitting in, and herself in a way that feels somewhat developmentally normal, but I also do not want to ignore it.

I also recognize my own role in this. She is a really hard working, conscientious kid with good grades, strong commitment to her club sport, and she is generally helpful when asked. Because of that, it has been easy for me to reward her with the latest clothes, accessories, and other material things she wants. I am starting to wonder whether I have unintentionally overemphasized achievement, status, and rewards and not enough kindness, perspective taking, or generosity.

I would love advice from parents who have successfully course corrected at this age. What actually helped build empathy, humility, gratitude, and genuine kindness in your tweens or teens? Especially for kids who are high achieving and socially aware but maybe becoming a little too invested in appearances or themselves.

I am hoping to use the summer intentionally and would really appreciate ideas, experiences, or even book or podcast recommendations.

She is not lacking empathy and compassion because she has a lot of material things. It also has nothing to do with grades and a sport. A lot of it innate, it comes naturally to some. The ones where they don’t seem to have it are the ones that need help from the adults in her life. You should congratulate girls who did well in their game, not just your daughter. Compliment people in front of her and she’ll notice. If someone I’m a store or public place needs help carrying a bag offer to help. Chat pleasantly with the teen carrying your groceries to the car. It’s the little things.

The term “high achieving” is overused. She gets good grades and she plays a sport. That a typical kid not a high achiever. Hopefully you don’t use that language in front of her. As for her physical appearance she might be feeling insecure and wants to make sure she doesn’t attract negative attention. You didn’t give any examples of her being mean, that’s a good thing.