Husband on his 4th DUI, worried about losing child in divorce.

[Anonymous]

He needs to go to jail.

[Anonymous]

You need to divorce him. He will get into an accident and someone will sue him and that's your joint finances.

[Anonymous]

OP I would not be arguing for 90/10 or thinking 50/50 or anything like that.

A PP mentioned supervised visitation with conditions. That's where you start. Intoxalock on his car. Breathalyzer twice every day. Urine tests, that sort of thing.

You can be super reasonable and child-focused and say "Once he does all this, we'll step up to <whatever your plan is>" but ask for continued monitoring of some sort and have a step-down plan to. And you've done the work of protecting your kid at least mostly with the continued monitoring.

If your DH is an addict, it's true that it's vanishingly rare that he'll be able to stop. It's also true that consequences are the way alcoholics do chose to stop. The pain of drinking becomes worse than the pain of not drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I would not be arguing for 90/10 or thinking 50/50 or anything like that.

A PP mentioned supervised visitation with conditions. That's where you start. Intoxalock on his car. Breathalyzer twice every day. Urine tests, that sort of thing.

You can be super reasonable and child-focused and say "Once he does all this, we'll step up to <whatever your plan is>" but ask for continued monitoring of some sort and have a step-down plan to. And you've done the work of protecting your kid at least mostly with the continued monitoring.

If your DH is an addict, it's true that it's vanishingly rare that he'll be able to stop. It's also true that consequences are the way alcoholics do chose to stop. The pain of drinking becomes worse than the pain of not drinking.

This is good advice. I am in a tricky custody situation and was repeatedly pressured by third parties in the legal process to name my preferred custody split. If you say 50/50 because you think that’s what you are supposed to say or as a starting point, they will decide it must not actually be that bad, they won’t take the safety issue seriously and you’ll end up with 50/50. If you say 90/10 or 100/0, they’ll say you’re not cooperative and are creating conflict and will discredit your safety concerns.

The best route is to say that until the current safety/health concerns are addressed, you cannot provide input on a parenting plan and that (as written above) changes to the children’s time with you or your supervision (or however your attorney decides to describe the situation) will need to be gradual and conditional. It was slightly easier for me to do that because my STbX disappeared for a while so our status quo was for the kids to be with me.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to divorce him. He will get into an accident and someone will sue him and that's your joint finances.

This is important. File now, figure out the rest later. Usually that isn’t the best strategy but you need a legal separation date to protect yourself from legal and financial disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has had his fourth arrest for a DUI.

He had three, over 10 years ago. Two were dropped due to issues with the police and calibrating the breathalyzer, and the other he pleaded down to negligent driving.

He blew a 2.17. I really want to divorce him, but what would happen? I end up with 50/50 custody, and then my kid is around an alcoholic unsupervised 50% of the time. It seems like a crappy deal for our son. If I stay with my husband, then I will at least always have my son with me. I can do without my husband, but I can't do without my child. I'm giving off the impression of being mildly supportive outwardly, but inside, I resent him.

It's 0.217. A 2.17 means he is so dead that you don't have to worry about divorce.

[Anonymous]

"I just divorced an alcoholic and was awarded sole legal and physical custody. My children are with me full time. The court ordered that their father may have supervised visitation only after completing treatment and enrolling in ongoing breath and urine monitoring to verify abstinence. He has refused to do any of that, so there is currently no visitation."

I'm curious if this was a settlement agreement your two lawyers came to and it was presented to the court, or if this is what the court came up with on its own.